Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

Trusting Self First

I have learned to trust myself. This is huge for someone that has experienced trauma especially as a child under the age of six. These children have been programed to believe that not one person cares enough to protect or save them. It takes a lot of therapy and rewiring the brain to have happy positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you be the default.

It did get worse before it got better. But the other side of the middle passage of pain is beautiful.

I listened to Brene Brown’s “The Anatomy of Trust” and it confirmed for me that I am healed enough to be true to my intuition, gut feeling or voice of God. Whatever you call knowing what is right for you, I trust that more than I trust people. As long as I stay in the will of God I trust everything will be alright.

https://youtu.be/ewngFnXcqao

I grew up at 50 in Therapy.

Until I began therapy and parented the abused, neglected and abandoned little girl in me I was stuck playing victim.  It was truly the only role I knew how to play.  The only coping skills I actually had were the ones I had when I was raped at five.  I would hear people say to me all the time, “stop playing the victim”.  Until I worked hard to process those feelings and to unlearn bad coping skills I was doomed to behaving immaturely.

After therapy I have an understanding of self that empowers me to change.

Group Therapy

it is, has been and always will be the words that save us,

all of us,

any of us can be affected

by words we speak and the ones spoken to us

I love them so much

with out the words we would not be able to create new realities for ourselves

all of us are essentially the sum total of words we have thought, spoken, written or heard and seen

 

I heard some words on Sunday that changed my whole perspective

it had a ripple affect

I called my mother and our words helped us heal and reconnect,

but that phone call was the result of many words

along this journey to healing

words have taught me about myself and the world around me

words have shown me where the pathology is rooted

words have given me solutions and testimonies of others

words have inspired courage to continue working on healing

even when the words were to traumatizing to be spoken

except in the heart and mind

 

words have been gleaned from my sisters

the ones that have chosen to share this part of our journey together

we have spoken the words that have healed and supported

our words have been used to say “I feel you sister”

sometimes those words were spoken with a nod of the head

or a look in the eyes with tears as the only evidence of words

that say, I understand

 

I will miss my sisters, we have changed together right here in this room

thank you for using your words to help me grow, heal and know I am never alone

there are women who really understand my pain and that heals us all on a lot of levels

let us please continue to use our word to heal

I have been in group therapy since January for childhood sexual abuse.  We have only a couple of weeks left.  It has been nothing less than grueling WORK.  I am blessed to be a part of a group of women sincerely dedicated to healing and moving on to inspire others to heal.

I will miss us and the place we shared the deepest parts of ourselves that had been buried.  I am grateful for the safe place at the YWCA Women’s Resource Center.  I cant find the words to express my appreciation for the support and guidance received at the center not just from my individual therapist but also for my group therapy facilitator.  The biggest contribution to my personal healing though, are the women who were brave and courageous enough to share their words with me through telling their painful  stories and their deliberate commitment to healing.

It has been worth it, we are better.  We did it and it is one of the most loving things we have done for ourselves and those that are watching and cheering us on so they can believe in the trans-formative power of Understanding self.

Agony

my groans are unutterable

the pain is too deep

the cries have no sound

and yet I weep

the soul is bound

with love nowhere found

not one person to connect with

“I am bound”

not one person to understand

that my suffering is my own

conceived by a wicked plan

if you say you love me

why can’t I feel it

why is your touch non-existent

am I alone in this great big world

will there be healing for this little girl

How are you supposed to feel about yourself when  accused of trying to kill your little brother at the age of three or four.  You know the truth although you are only three years old.  You know that your mother is lying to cover her own ass.  She knows damn well she left a three-year old and a two-year old in the apartment by themselves.  This is my very first memory of childhood.

Again, please let me say that I do not want pity.  I truly believe my soul chose the circumstances of my life.  All of these traumas were mine to experience to get the lessons I needed to evolve.  But, that does not mean I did not feel, or endure the effects of the traumas.  I am telling my story because I feel compelled to do so.  Maybe it is just for me to finally purge this crap.  Or, it might be someone needs to know they can make it and see that it does get better with time and hard work.

Yeah, it sucks that you have to fix your self.  I know there are people who have experienced things more horrific  but if my soul chose this, then it is safe to say that this is all I could handle.  We all walk our own path.

I would hear “yo mama did not want you, if it were not for me aint no telling where your little high yellow ass would be”  This may have been true but the delivery of the message was brutal.  I grew up feeling like I owed everybody something.  I felt I did not deserve love.  Come on, if I were worthy my mother would not have left me, right.  I could not see that them taking me in and protecting me was Love. My grandmother was correct, if she and my auntie and great-grandmother had not took me in only God knows………….

Fear was my everything.  It helped me survive when I was a child but as an adult it stopped me from having healthy relationships.  Through therapy I have learned to not take my mother’s neglect (leaving me in apartment alone for at least 2 days) personally.  I was caught up in her drama or sickness and it had nothing to do with me except this was what my soul chose.  She would have been what she was even if I had never been born.  Knowing that has freed me so much that words can not explain.  It wasn’t my fault.

I still had to heal from the side effects of her does not remove the effects of her boyfriend raping me when I was five years old.  I have abandonment issues, trust issues and fear was a part of my   Anger was my armor.  It kept people away from me so they could not hurt me.  Anger made me powerful and in control but nothing could be further from the truth.  It was controlling me because my anger was always inappropriate to the situation.

I really would not trade anything for my journey.  Everything is Everything and it all has a purpose.  It took me a while to get here but all that matters is I am here.  Love

p.s.

My brother survived only to die at the age 36 from the effects of alcoholism and drug addiction.  I don’t believe he ever healed from the abuse and neglect.