Mind Control

Mind Control

I am grateful that I can control me. If we master ourselves anything else is a cake walk. There was a time when I was so fragile psychologically that my family would withhold information from me in fear of how any bad news would affect me.

This year I am sitting in the home I have created for myself. I am happy, safe and more importantly, I am a prayer warrior  not a chronic worrier. I can take the bad news. I don’t take most things personally.

I have recovered from the fragile state of depression and anxiety. I still struggle from time to time but a stumble is better than the drastic falls I had before therapy.  I sacrificed a lot for my healing. I wish I had committed to healing sooner.

The root of bitterness has been destroyed. I am the master of my soul.

2-Edged Sword of PTSD

2-Edged Sword of PTSD

So, I sit, and I write

There are days when the words are the only thing I can trust. The words allow me to control the amount of trust given. When you have ptsd there are days when there is not one person that you can trust. They could be the most trust worthy person and deserving of your faith in their ability not to intentionally hurt you.

Because of all the many times people have deliberately plotted to take advantage of you it is with earnest effort that a person with ptsd extends any amount of trust to you.

I am intelligent enough to know that nobody is perfect. Being glaringly aware of my own frailties, makes me also aware of the reasons why people do what they do. I live between the logical knowledge of realistically knowing that people just need to be accepted for who they are and the fact that people committed horrendous acts against me when I was at my weakest and most vulnerable.

Craving physical touch but if I can’t trust you when I need compassion the most, how the hell am I going to be able to trust you at all. We are not meant to be alone and I have beyond doubt overcome the fear of being alone by living in this city without my family and friends. I have been able to prosper despite living in a shelter because my environment was hostile and I could no longer trust the very person I  had loved supported to have my back.

The fact is I did not come here to live alone. I landed on my feet. That is what I do. I am a survivor. One of the perks of having ptsd is knowing how to adapt to any situation. Even ones that may appear to be detrimental to you.

I want a partner. I want to make new friends but when I see that they will talk behind others backs and show no loyalty I don’t trust them and I believe that is a logical assessment.  I do wonder, though, if I am sabotaging myself because of the ptsd.

Anger is not far behind that question because then I must use my tools I learned in therapy to get me back to a place of love. Returning to the love space will allow me to trust God and more than that to trust the God in me.

Everyday lately I am wanting to go back home to the tried and true of my family and friends in St. Louis. Trust is so very important in all our interactions with people. I am aware of the different levels of trust, but when people show you who they are…….well you already know.

I am trying very hard not to end up old and alone. Being alone though is how I feel safe, but that is sometimes when I am most vulnerable. I know I need to get out more and make friends. I tried that already. I had to stop talking to a woman because she would put other women down and basically murder other women’s character. She would talk to me disrespectfully and was critical of some of the things that make me uniquely me. I did not feel accepted for who I am. It felt like she wanted me to change so she could be around me. I did not trust her for those reasons. I could no longer take her criticism.

I have good friends and not one has told me to tone it down, so they would be comfortable around me. I admit I am not the usual woman. I don’t believe in fairy-tales. I was raised by some very strong, self-sufficient, and fiercely independent women. So, for some I may come off as harsh. I don’t sugar coat anything.

If you are not straightforward I find it hard to trust you. Being perfect is not what I expect. I just need people to keep it real.

Maybe I need to work on accepting people just the way they are, but I need people to be who they say they are. You must know yourself if want to know someone else.

Anyway, having said all of that. It is hard to trust people. I trust only God and the God in me. Right now, being alone is the safest place to be. A victim is something I refuse to ever again be.

 

Triggered, but my soul reminded me, I am Queen. “I am the soul’s poet.”

Triggered, but my soul reminded me, I am Queen. “I am the soul’s poet.”
This is why I am the souls’ poet. I thought my computer was broken because I dropped it on the floor and it was giving me an error message to call Dell. I started freaking out because I was already stressing about having so much to do but still having a lot of pain. I began to cry and want to go home to St. Louis. I questioned myself about why I am here in Phoenix.
Pain is my biggest trigger. Pain leaves me feeling defeated. It makes me want to fight. That is what I am, at my core I am a fighter.
Maybe the Universe wants me to allow and surrender instead of fighting.
I have found ways to manage my pain and thought the days of tears from pain were over.  I would say however, that about 80% of my chronic pain is gone due to lifestyle changes I have made that included therapy, quitting smoking 7 years ago, losing weight, moving to a warmer climate and becoming more active.
I have been able to function without any pain medication for months but the training for my work at home job left me depleted and after going home to bury my mother in September my pain has increased.  I have been slowly getting back to myself.  Maybe I just need to be still for a while.
I am going to go see a pain specialist for the remaining pain in my neck, shoulder, upper back, my arm, hand, wrist and fingers. This doctor does not automatically write a prescription but treats the specific area first before prescribing a pill. Chronic pain wears on you like an obnoxious noise that becomes too much to bear, leaving you with a feeling of needing to escape. This feeling of needing to flee is the trigger.
Thank God for therapy and I know that “This is now and not then.” I guess I will always have to deal with triggers but now after therapy I have knowledge and I have tools to get back to feeling safe again.
 
To say I was feeling like giving up is putting it mildly, I felt devastated. I was worrying about how I was going to get my business up and running. All I think about lately is GirlGetYouSomeHelp.com. Now that I have a launch date I feel the pressure of being productive everyday.
 
I sat down and prayed, turned on the computer and it was working properly.
My soul reminded me of who I be. These words came out of me like water. I promise you that my soul wrote this to let me know just how powerful I am. I don’t have to stress or freak out because something feels a certain way. I am not my feelings. God is still in control.

Shine
I have been made in the fire,
laid out in the sun to become ashes
that fall upon my body and burn away the pain,
I know if I make through this,
after what I already made it through
a 100 facet diamond will have nothing on my glow,
my shine so bright that all night flees in the wake of me,
the powerful one able to look at the sun,
the one that gives life from the womb,
the one who holds up the moon and shoots stars around mars and can be the diamond that all diamonds aspire to be,
you cant see me because I be in your soul,
want to find me,
you want to be a kind like me,
but you will never be
because it is only your own shine
that will nurture you soul and make you whole.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

11.15.17

The truth is…..

The truth is…..
Honestly, almost all of my relationships have been abusive in some way, even my relationships with women. But the scary part is, I did not know it at times.
One day over 25 years ago, while in the midst of a deep depression that had left me unable to function I called the crisis hotline. I wanted to die to alleviate the emotional pain that had become unbearable. Suicide is more about wanting to stop the pain.
The woman on the phone asked me a series of questions, after which she said, “Yvette you are in an abusive relationship.” She said, “Although your husband is not hitting you he is emotionally and financially abusive.”
She gave me some resources for counseling. That is where my healing journey began.
It took many years of stopping and starting therapy before finally making a commitment to see what the end could be. I chose to Love me more than I had been trying to love the people in my life. It has been seven years. I have received a phenomenal return on my investment.
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

Healing is possible

Healing is possible
My passion is to help women understand the different types of abuse, understand how it has affected her, and where to go to get help.
I am not a therapist but I have had a lot of therapy that has allowed me to change. I am not an expert on therapy. I just want to serve as an example that women can relate to.

I want to say, “SisStar, if I did it you can too. You can be happy on the inside all of the time. It is a downright dirty shame that we have to fix ourselves. But we can do it and your healing will change the course of your entire family for generations to come.”.

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

Begin Again, 7 Years of Blogging

Begin Again, 7 Years of Blogging

The launch date for the GirlGetYouSomeHelp.com is March 23, 2018 the seven year anniversary of The Souls’ Poet.com

My mission is to lead women, particularly LGBTQ women to healing. I am the relate-able example that healing is possible.

My message is simple. Girl get you some help. I don’t say this in a judgemental tone. I say this because I love you. I see you. I know what you have been through. If I can heal so can you. I promise you it is better on the other side.

Writing has saved my life. Every therapist asked me to write.  Writing is a proven facilitator of  healing. Pouring your emotions and feelings onto the paper is one of the practical tools of therapy.

I will use journal writing, and poetry to not only help with healing but to also educate on the many forms of abuse and domestic violence specifically where it is women hurting women within the LGBT community. I want to also educate or demystify how to find a good fit when looking for a therapist. I will give tips on and how to work with your therapist, how to get what you need from therapy and when to say “I am out of here.” when the therapist is not a good fit.

It is my purpose and passion to help women heal with my whole life.

I feel it is utterly important that women heal because it is true,

the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.