There are days when you come face to face with self. These are usually the hardest days of your life. In one moment, you will decide what the rest of your life will look like. There are only two choices. Choose the path of fear that tells you this is all you will ever be or have, so you might as well get what you can. You do not believe you deserve anything more and your life will stop. You will be living a lie. If your life is a lie then your life is a waste.
The great thing is the other choice is the path to self-love that leads to unconditional love for others because you have it for yourself. Unconditional does not mean you expect less of yourself. It really demands that you take responsibility for the choices you have made thus far. This will empower you to…
View original post 121 more words
Only love matters. I was a young mother with mental illness. I was judged as a 18 year old teenage mother of 3 and I needed help.
I Am My Own Super Shero
(she can’t save me anyway)
she aint coming to save me
she can’t fix what she don’t see
her own pain blinds her
I know in this lifetime she won’t be free
I have to take care of me
cause aint nobody coming
and I just need to stay free in my mind
fear of lonely
beckons and taunts
I fight and flee the agony
of realizing that aint nobody coming to get me
so I take a few deep breaths,
fall on my knees
and allow Goddess to minister love
I stay free by keeping the best
and making it better
taking out my trash before it stinks
making sure I am not throwing away important pieces of me
that could someday be used against me.
I will protect me
by saving all this good for the woman that deserves me
by mozayk “the souls’ poet” 6.23.13
From my book SheRomance
As I sit here looking at pictures of my family. I have an absolutely beautiful family. I am not complaining about anything just writing so this feeling will pass. That is what feelings do, they leave eventually. In therapy I learned to not ignore my feelings they are giving me a message or an opportunity to shed another layer for healing. Everyday evolution is a fact to life.
Let me stay on topic. I was missing my family so much. God has miraculously given me six healthy babies. Six. But it gets even better, I had twins and triplets. I prayed as a little girl for a new family because the one I was experiencing was filled with hostility. There were no safe places. My soul hungered for the love I knew as a child would fix everything if only they would let it.
I remember the day exactly that I asked for another family. We were at some family gathering and my mother, my 2 aunts and my grandmother were setting up the tables to play spades. But they were arguing about something and my aunt Essie was the target of their viscous venomous words. She was crying. She was my favorite aunt and they were making her feel bad about her weight. My aunt died to trying to be skinny.
This type of destructive energy existed at every family gathering until as an adult and after much therapy, I decided to no longer participate.
The point of this post is to say that what happened to me as a child caused my mental illness. Depression was actually inevitable in that environment after being neglected and raped. PTSD could not be avoided. Some of us don’t have ptsd as a result of a trauma, but there are those like me that have had so many traumas that we kept recreating traumatic situations in an effort to heal. Or, that is what is familiar to us however uncomfortable.
My sacrifices are many when it comes to my healing. My family being the biggest sacrifice. I am grateful for the answered prayer for another family. Six healthy children, 14 healthy grandchildren within my 56 years. God willing there will eventually be many more souls that are a direct result of my prayer. These souls have chosen to come through my womb and be the start of the legacy of love I am deliberately creating.
I am grateful. I just miss my family and I was in my feelings and needed to write it out. I know I will be able to enjoy and influence my grandchildren face to face again. This move to Phoenix is what is supposed to happen and they will be here when it is time. I have no doubt this is where I am supposed to be. Once the healing came I could no longer stay in St. Louis.
Honestly sometimes I get in my feelings and feel sad and even angry that what happened to me cost me so much. But after writing through my feelings I am able to count my blessings.
I realize that God has given me exceedingly and abundantly above what I asked for, another family. A healthy family. A happy prosperous family. We love each other and when we all get together it is ALL LOVE. I love how my children work through their conflicts and disagreements. No matter what, they find love and let go of any animosity. I taught them that. I showed them to the best of my ability what unconditional love is.
I have had an interesting life. It has been good. I look forward to enjoying life for a long time to come. I am working to leave a legacy of love in the universe. God has used me to bring forth a lot of love. I am grateful.
So at the end of the day. My soul chose these circumstances. This is the way it is supposed to be. I am who am because of EVERY experience I have had.
I am mozayik “the souls’ poet”
A blog about the hard work of writing
My World, My Life, My Rules
Poet, Authorpreneur, Songwriter, Spoken Word Activist
The Souls' Poet
I am on a journey; a journey to heal through my voice - surving life after sexual abuse