Celebrate with me but, Please no Pity

Celebrate with me my healing.  Pity has not served me well.  I am done with pity parties. I tell my story so that some woman, girl, boy or man can believe they can heal.  I tell it so someone can know that their pain does not define who they can become.  I tell it so that my soul can no longer be in bondage to the secrets and shame.  I tell my story to show you can overcome tragedy and triumph.  I want others to feel empowered to tell their stories in hopes that we can save lives.  Secrets kill and I want to live. Related articles Window 289 – Self pity (awindowofwisdom.wordpress.com)  

ramble #1011

Today is one of those days where madness comes to taunt me saying “it is too hard, too heavy, not enough of whatever is needed. You just do not have it and although you are giving your best, your best is not enough. I have been spending a lot of effort to not think about the trauma and the apathy of the adults around me, some of them had to have known. I am giving my best today. I am deciding to not take it personal. I will not assume. I will be impeccable with my words to myself. I realize that the words I use to deflate and destroy my positive energy can be replaced with words that inflate and build or repair my positive energy or my soul or my highest good or my renewing of my mind, or my positive affirmations’, or whatever you want to call telling the past to go the hell back where it

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Cloak of Guilt

A journal entry from 1.3.2013 All day today I have been hearing that Mary J. Blige song “Just Fine”.  I made it through a tumultuous year.  If you had told me everything that happened in my life was a promise I would have laughed.  I believe I can be more than a survivor.  I can thrive.  I know how to hold on to my Joy.  (still holding 3.25.2013) I am still in therapy and I plan on staying for the long haul this time.  I am truly falling in love with me.  I had told myself that I deserved bad things to happen to me as restitution to what I thought I had done to people I love.  My therapist had me look at blame and what I found was that I was quick to take the blame for everything that went wrong in my children’s’ lives, the people I was in relationship with or any other situation.  It was

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I wont abandon me. (ptsd)

If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered.  It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now.  I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now? I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming. Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions.  I would resist the feelings.  I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff.  I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five.  I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved. I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche.  Now is the time my body

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Love letter to myself

i am loving you so much lately you have overcome so many obstacles you have had to make some hard choices you have grieved what was you are moving forward with new goals you did not give up i am proud of you for your tenacity you are a strong warrior you know sometimes the soldier needs help just because you took another route does not make you a failure it says you are courageous enough to move toward the unknown you had enough faith in god and belief that your efforts would be rewarded you are amazing when i think of how you have overcame still to love as you do ……………………….. you are beautiful

“Not Guilty”

The guilty seek punishment.  I have chosen to stop beating up on myself and declare myself not guilty.  Being guilty suggests that I have done something wrong.  I realize that I have done nothing wrong.  My intentions when making the decisions that haunt me were pure. I would be guilty if I’d made deliberate decisions with malice or ill will.  Guilt says that I intentionally did harm and expected a bad result.  Innocence suggests that the decision was made expecting a good outcome. At the time that is what was best.  Of course after years of experience I now have a 20/20 hindsight view.  I dealt with life based on the knowledge and experience I had up till that moment. So it is okay to let myself off the hook.  I can forgive myself. I can accept that I deserve love. I am worthy of all things good. I am much more than the sum of my choices. When we know

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I forgive me

Love is an inexhaustible stream given at birth for me to give away the only power I have the only thing I could ever control is my choice to love I don’t have to chase it or look for it I am it so I decide to love right now this second giving you my love makes my love overflow the only reason to be alive is to love any other reason and you are just biding time I was thinking about what motivated me to quit smoking.  I was not walking my talk.  Now that I know what self-love really looks like I am finding it easy to make changes in my life that prove how much i love myself. Since my earlier post where I talked about not yet having forgiven the man who raped me at five,  I have done a lot of thinking about forgiveness. I forgave the little girl in me for being vulnerable.  I

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