Mother I See You In Me (wrote before her transition)

Mother I See You In Me  (wrote before her transition)

I couldn’t have been more than three

and you were teaching me the abc’s

you would tell me to say the letter U

I would say “me”, you would say no, say U

I would say “Yvette”, then you would laugh at me

I remember you said my eyes made me look Chinese

our relationship has been tumultuous, hateful at it’s worst

but it has been worth it

I look at you and see so much of myself

my strength, my courage, my loving ways

even my own disappointments I sometimes see on your face

my creativity and love for words

my ability to make something out of nothing

to strut my stuff with style without a nickel in my pocket

I press on and hold my head high

that is what I have seen you do all of your life

I want you to know I am so proud of you

I see what you’ve been through

let me say that again

I see what you’ve been through

it made you bend but not break

it amazes me how you are still smiling and laughing

with such beautiful hues

in all of us lives the essence of you

I see you, the kind, generous woman

the I don’t take no mess woman

the sweet, loving but I am going to still tell you about yourself woman

who did her best with what she had woman

I see the wonderful woman

I am so glad you are still alive

we can sit here together and count our blessings

and be grateful to God that we did not have to feel this standing at a grave

I want you know I really love you, thank you for being my mother

we have overcome a legacy of hate

the curse has been broken, our ancestors celebrate

we both have the strength of Mamie and the wisdom of Bertha

the generations after us will be built on love

of that I am certain

Your daughter

Yvette Mozayik “the souls’ poet”

11/26/2008

Resentment (it is a state of mind)

Resentment (it is a state of mind)

Resentment equals un-forgiveness.  Letting go is healthy.  Holding grudges is a poison that erodes every relationship, especially the one we have with ourselves.  Loving ourselves includes not letting animosity rent space in our hearts or heads.

10-steps-letting-go-resentment

 

Celebrate with me but, Please no Pity

Celebrate with me my healing.  Pity has not served me well.  I am done with pity parties. I tell my story so that some woman, girl, boy or man can believe they can heal.  I tell it so someone can know that their pain does not define who they can become.  I tell it so that my soul can no longer be in bondage to the secrets and shame.  I tell my story to show you can overcome tragedy and triumph.  I want others to feel empowered to tell their stories in hopes that we can save lives.  Secrets kill and I want to live.

 

ramble #1011

Today is one of those days where madness comes to taunt me saying “it is too hard, too heavy, not enough of whatever is needed. You just do not have it and although you are giving your best, your best is not enough. I have been spending a lot of effort to not think about the trauma and the apathy of the adults around me, some of them had to have known.

I am giving my best today.

I am deciding to not take it personal.

I will not assume.

I will be impeccable with my words to myself.

I realize that the words I use to deflate and destroy my positive energy can be replaced with words that inflate and build or repair my positive energy or my soul or my highest good or my renewing of my mind, or my positive affirmations’, or whatever you want to call telling the past to go the hell back where it came from.

Because today, now, I am okay, I am enough, I have given my best, and I realize none of it is personal because we all have our own custom-made teaching experiences. It only means our souls have agreed to cross paths to hopefully help each to evolve to another level spiritually.

I cannot assume and it is not because my thinking is dysfunctional it is because it is never wise to assume without asking questions to avoid misunderstandings.

My real challenge is the words, the words I use to talk to me, the words I use to talk to my friends, the words all have to be on one accord, then I will be empowered to change. #isaidit

 

Cloak of Guilt

A journal entry from 1.3.2013

All day today I have been hearing that Mary J. Blige song “Just Fine”.  I made it through a tumultuous year.  If you had told me everything that happened in my life was a promise I would have laughed.  I believe I can be more than a survivor.  I can thrive.  I know how to hold on to my Joy.  (still holding 3.25.2013)

I am still in therapy and I plan on staying for the long haul this time.  I am truly falling in love with me.  I had told myself that I deserved bad things to happen to me as restitution to what I thought I had done to people I love.  My therapist had me look at blame and what I found was that I was quick to take the blame for everything that went wrong in my children’s’ lives, the people I was in relationship with or any other situation.  It was easier to be the scapegoat that way I did not have to address the issues.

Our society conditions women to wear guilt like a cloak of honor.  A case in point is my divorce and the custody battle.  My ex husband had one of the best and most expensive lawyers in Missouri and they had plotted their plan of action against me months before I ever spoke to a legal aid lawyer.  The Legal Services of Eastern Missouri  http://www.lsem.org/ could not help me  in the late 90’s, I hope the patriarchal stupidity has stopped
because they used his income to decide if I qualified for help.  Although,  it was documented that he was physically abusive.

Of course he won custody but I am still treated as if I abandoned my children.  Not once has anyone said anything negative about a man who would take his children from their mother when there was no history of anything negative.  As I look back I can understand his perseverance  to keep them away from my incestuous family.  He knew all about the molestation of me and my siblings and was determined to keep his children from that and I don’t blame him.  Looking back with 20/20, things happened the way that they were supposed to.

But I do blame myself and allow others to guilt trip me.  (working on changing my thoughts)

It showed up in my relationships.  Particularly the most recent involvement with a woman that triggered me to relive my childhood sexual abuse, trauma and neglect.   I clung to her with my life, and would not let go because doing so meant I had to stop blaming myself and do the hard work of healing.  I willing allowed her to tell me all of our problems were because “I had issues”.  She was abusive and I made excuses for her so I could live in denial, but that is another story..

I am grateful to know that I can be alone with myself and have peace.  That was something I had lost last year.

I am still free from the fear of being alone.  3.25.2013

I wont abandon me. (ptsd)

If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered.  It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now.  I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now?

I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming.

Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions.  I would resist the feelings.  I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff.  I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five.  I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved.

I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche.  Now is the time my body and mind have chosen to deal with this at this time in my life the only thing I have focus on is myself.  No more hiding behind children and spouses I am ready to create and reveal the life I deserve.

I am at a place where I can move forward to complete this book.  I am still in therapy dealing with my abandonment issues and working diligently to find  peace with the memories.  I am going to start a new page as I go through the process of dealing with these issues and how they have showed up in my behavior and my relationships.

I am striving towards healing to allow me to have more healthy relationships.  It is not something that can be dealt with quickly because i have learned that the mind will bring these memories and flashbacks to surface when i am ready to deal with them.  As i have learned the hard way, if i don’t deal with the feelings they will deal with me.

As i continue on my journey to healing and mental health and stability hopefully someone will be encouraged to start their own healing.

I promise the little girl in my that I will not abandon her and will stay with her for as long as it takes to learn how to live with PTSD.

Thank you for going on this journey of my soul with me.

 

Love letter to myself

i am loving you so much lately

you have overcome so many obstacles

you have had to make some hard choices

you have grieved what was

you are moving forward with new goals

you did not give up i am proud of you

for your tenacity

you are a strong warrior

you know sometimes the soldier needs help

just because you took another route does not make you a failure

it says you are courageous

enough to move toward the unknown

you had enough faith in god

and belief that your efforts would be rewarded

you are amazing

when i think of how you have overcame

still to love as you do ………………………..

you are beautiful