A mother’s thoughts on father’s day “the truth”

It is time to tell the truth.  As a man, a father and a husband you failed all of us.  As your wife you mistreated me, devalued me and abused me physically, financially and psychologically.  As your wife I laid down my life and entire body for your pleasure and happiness.  I literally gave you my soul trying to get you to give me what I rightfully deserved because I was your wife.  the minute you realized that I was waking up to your mistreatment you went into over drive to destroy me. You vowed to honor, cherish and protect me and you did none of these things. During my time living with you I was made to feel dispensable.  I gave you children by actually abusing my body with injections from hormones and going under the knife of three surgeries.  I poured everything of me into you, the children, the home and the community.  When I became aware of

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ramble #1011

Today is one of those days where madness comes to taunt me saying “it is too hard, too heavy, not enough of whatever is needed. You just do not have it and although you are giving your best, your best is not enough. I have been spending a lot of effort to not think about the trauma and the apathy of the adults around me, some of them had to have known. I am giving my best today. I am deciding to not take it personal. I will not assume. I will be impeccable with my words to myself. I realize that the words I use to deflate and destroy my positive energy can be replaced with words that inflate and build or repair my positive energy or my soul or my highest good or my renewing of my mind, or my positive affirmations’, or whatever you want to call telling the past to go the hell back where it

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Cloak of Guilt

A journal entry from 1.3.2013 All day today I have been hearing that Mary J. Blige song “Just Fine”.  I made it through a tumultuous year.  If you had told me everything that happened in my life was a promise I would have laughed.  I believe I can be more than a survivor.  I can thrive.  I know how to hold on to my Joy.  (still holding 3.25.2013) I am still in therapy and I plan on staying for the long haul this time.  I am truly falling in love with me.  I had told myself that I deserved bad things to happen to me as restitution to what I thought I had done to people I love.  My therapist had me look at blame and what I found was that I was quick to take the blame for everything that went wrong in my children’s’ lives, the people I was in relationship with or any other situation.  It was

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Is Pain really Fear leaving your body?

  fear you have no power over me. you’ve held me captive much too long you were my master and i your slave you even tried to take me to my grave the scales have fallen off my eyes perfect love found me now i know you are just a wanna be in the presence of love you flee i have power over you love has destroyed every yoke victory is mine i am free i have power over fear   My first reaction was to say there is no way I am that damn afraid. But when I think about all that I have accomplished since I decided to not let pain win I have to stop and see if there might be some truth in that. I realized I was going to hurt whether I lay in bed, cry and continue on with the vicious cycle of depression because I have pain 24/7 or I could get out

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I wont abandon me. (ptsd)

If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered.  It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now.  I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now? I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming. Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions.  I would resist the feelings.  I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff.  I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five.  I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved. I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche.  Now is the time my body

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