Category: Trunk of bitter

Secrets Killed repost 5/3/2011

All six of my children have been detrimentally affected by the lies told, and their potential robbed by the rapists in our family. It is 2022 and more lies are being revealed.

My goal is to leave a record of the truth. I am determined that my linage will know the truth,  I will continue to trust the guidance of my ancestors to lay a foundation that is built on the truth however brutal. There is still more to do. But the healing for our ancestors is continuing as we dig deeper and pull up the rotten roots to repair the damage.

I wrote this poem in January, 1999 for the brother we lost to alcoholism.  He was 36. Now 2011 we could lose another brother to alcoholism.  He just turned 37.  They both drank for the same reasons but we pretend it is not happening. We are as Sick as our Secrets and ours are killing us.

I am grateful for the work I started in 2011 by committing to therapy. I am continuing with creating the family tree on ancestry and getting my DNA analyzed.

finally brother you can rest
in this world you no longer stay
we must accept that god
has taken you away

no longer do you plead for love
from a world grown cold
we did not get to see you grow old
but now you are free
you don’t have to hurt any more

finally brother you can rest
no need to cry or feel blue
one day we will join you
your soul has taken flight
you are smiling at the sight
of angels welcoming you
into peace, finally brother,  rest

01/1999 by mozayik

Silence is deadly.   We may be silent but our sick secrets are exposed for all to see.  When a man drinks himself to death it is not happenstance. Some of us use drink, food, drugs or sex to abuse or addiction. It is self medicating to ease PAIN.

For the last week or so I have been contemplating why my family continues to pretend everything is okay.  Another brother will be lost if we continue to sweep things under the rug.  I feel so helpless to save him.  I don’t think I can look anyone in the eyes again without saying “we have to stop this shit now”.

I want to ask my mother “How long will you continue to lie?  How many of us have to die?  Free us and tell the truth, please.”

I am tired of the superficial relationships.  If we are not free to speak our truth in love then it is all a waste of time.  There was a time when all I wanted was revenge.  I was hurting, so I wanted the  “perpetrators” to hurt. That position did not serve me well and the poison of anger was killing me.  Once I sought my own healing I saw things differently.

My only motive now is to facilitate healing and stop others from being hurt.

Only LOVE can heal us.  I realize that people have reasons why they do the things they do.  The people who hurt us have been harmed by someone and the vicious cycle is repeated over and over because of silence.  I am telling my story.  I refuse to be quiet.

I finally killed George.

Healing is amazing. The man that raped me at 5 was named George. Before therapy anytime I heard the name George I would immediately be transported in my mind to him raping me. So I avoided George at all times. If I overheard the name I had to put my armor on. Without even knowing it that name had the power to send me to my bed for days.

Where I work the Fitness Instructor’s name is George. We were in an African performing arts group in the late ’90s together but I knew him by another name then.

I do believe that my steps are divinely ordered.  I believe this situation was tailor-made for me. When I first heard his name I did not run home to my bed. I don’t even think I recognized it as a past trigger.

Because he worked there his name was called out frequently. I would sometimes give George a ride home. On one occasion he asked me to take him to Walmart and then we would go to lunch, his treat. Well, the place “he” had chosen objectified women. I felt uncomfortable because of the staff’s attire. Most people’s bra and panties have more coverage than these young women were wearing.

He started going on about someone he knew really liked asses. I stopped him mid-story and told him that I did not objectify women. After that, I had to set some clear boundaries with George. The women at work say he was testing me. I stopped being chummy with him.

George had a stroke. Every day now his name is called out by people asking how he is doing. I am the person at the front desk. I am usually the one giving an update about his progress.

The George that raped me at five is dead to me now.

I have become desensitized to that name. Flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance caused by George are a thing of the past.

This is what healing feels like.

The George that raped me at 5 was murdered in prison. I don’t know this to be true but my memory is that my Father got the word out that he had raped his little girl and they killed him.

Before therapy, he was still alive for me. I wanted to kill him so badly. I thought that it was unfair that he was dead. I was angry because I could not make him suffer.

As I write this I take deep breaths and release any residual energy still tied to that event in my life. I made it to the promised land of happiness.

Ding Dong George is Dead, Finally.

love, sex, and abuse

I kept recreating the scenario where they would leave because I pushed them away and then I could cry victim that they left. I wanted them to come back and love me the way I deserved.

Childhood Emotional Neglect sent me a powerful, subliminal message that my feelings didn’t matter.

I kept looking for the unconditional love that only a mother could give. Now I know though that even mothers can’t give that kind of love sometimes. That is the biggest myth of motherhood. All mothers don’t love their babies because some don’t know how. Some mothers know but lack the resources and support. I was pregnant at 16. I married at 17. I escaped that marriage at 18 with three children. By 19 I was depressed, dealing with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, neglect, and poverty. The only real support I had was my disabled grandmother.

We are designed to benefit from the experience of loving nurturing touch. If you don’t get that as a child, you will search everywhere to find it. I was sexualized and raped at 5, I believed sex was love.

I subconsciously chose situations that felt familiar to me. My toxic environment had shaped me. My mother’s violent relationships were what I was born into. The cycle was intrinsically wired into my brain. They would love each other one minute and the next they were fighting and then they would fuck. It was like that for her entire life.

Subconsciously this is all I knew about relationships. Studies have proven that the first 6 years of a child’s life is when they are the most impressionable. What children learn about the world during this time will be what is subconsciously their default. This is one reason I kept choosing the same people.

I was hoping for a different outcome with each lover but doing the same things I had been programmed to do over and over.

The marvelous thing about a brain is we can rewire it; we can create another default. That is what I am taking the time to do my next level of healing. I am not taking time to grieve over something that was not good for me. That is wasted energy. I see the issue and I understand the why, I know how to fix the issue.

Now my time will be spent being grateful for today. I survived. I have learned. There is some undoing that needs to be done but I am able.

I don’t need another project. No more goals will be set at this time. I just want to slow down and be with the love inside of me. I just want to sit and think about whatever pops into my head. I want to read the books I have on my TO Read LIST. I want to get lost in some sexy Fiction.

It is time for a reset. All my circuits will be busy just loving life and enjoying this big family that God gave to me. I have really accomplished a lot in my 50+ years on this earth. I measure my accomplishments by how many people’s lives have been affected in a positive way by anything I have shared about my healing journey.

As a little girl, I asked God to use me to help somebody so my living would not be in vain. It is time for Release.

the goodbye poem

it is a sad commentary that our love would end like this

you may not feel anything or don’t even care

my heart is breaking cause

i know this time i don’t have any more love to give you

so you can throw it back in my face

discard me like gum on the bottom of your shoe

i have always been there for you

rescuing, rescuing and rescuing you over and over

only for you to discard, devalue me

i am stronger than your bullying

i know i have been a good woman to you

both of us know i don’t deserve for you

to shut down and treat me as if i am a bothering irritation

i don’t have any more

i hurt

i have hurt

i  give

i have given

been there and gave whatever was needed for our life

i wanted to be your wife

you said we would be together forever

i believed we could make it or else

i would not have come back

but your mistreatment has for the last time

driven me out of the door

all of your excuses don’t mean shit to me anymore

burned all my bridges running back and forth to you

but god got me

i will be alright

will you?

because you will miss me deeply

someone and i hate to say this but it is true,

will treat you worse than you did me

i don’t wish that for you

but you can’t miss the reaping you must do

i will pray for you

we could have ended better

we should have been better than this

why would i stay where i am not wanted

i don’t know how i am going to make it

but i know god knows that i deserve better

i hope better for you

but i am through

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

Positive Funk

Positive Funk

is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song

you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this  funky place you be

but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up

you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share  it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you

it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the  negative emotions

but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose

positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways

positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley

this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you

you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

pulling up the bitter root

It is very humbling when sitting with the consequences of choices made. I have really been wrestling with some stuff that was really starting to win the battle to take me under.

If I am acting weird that means I need you.

I know that when we have a family member that we don’t understand it can be hard to love them. Sometimes our loved ones may act strange. Similar to what I have been going through, I had so much anxiety that it was literally consuming me.

Truth has a bitter sting.

I am feeling better having accepted some hard truths. I was guilt-tripping myself so badly, I was whipping my own ass. I really was not comfortable in my own skin because I was dealing with shame. In order to be truly free of baggage, garbage or just some negative stuff, that was haunting me, I had to face it head-on. I am so very grateful that I never felt that God had left me or that I would not be delivered.

I was dealing with some depression, but I knew it was situational, it was hard. Growth hurts and if somebody says they grew and didn’t shed some tears or feel any emotional pain and probably some physical pain, they are lying and the truth ain’t in them as my grandmother would say.

I thank God for my free therapy. I thank God for all of the people that have poured into me as I struggled with my truths.

I wanted to run and yes it was overwhelming at times, but I trust the process and I tapped into my support system. I came out on the other side better able to reclaim my freedom.

Look y’all I am passionate about mental illness, mental health, and intimate partner violence as well as childhood sexual trauma because I struggle every day with these issues. PTSD is no joke and part of it is anxiety and depression. I believe we are slowing waking up to the importance of the mind being healthy. We are starting to see the mind-body connection and that everything really is everything. I am grateful for the education I have received through therapy and my own curious passion. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has used and will continue to use me to save lives by telling my truth so that they can be encouraged to heal.

I was so very angry at myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. But where is the lesson if I did not stop and acknowledge that the truth is, I still have some more healing to do.

The shame, disappointment, and fear of losing the image I had of myself was being challenged and I was seeing the places that needed some light and love. I had to do it with just me and God.  I had to have that positive funk experience.

Once I saw the silver lining, I was good. I had my ah-ha sigh of relief. Once I gleaned something that increases my understanding of myself and others, it is time for celebration. I Celebrate that I did make it over to the other side of depression. I did cope with anxiety. With help from my friends, and family, even my Facebook, Instagram and my blog flowers support me with good energy and encouraging words.

My longtime friends keep me grounded with the truth. I don’t want to go through that again. It had been years since I have felt depressed. The whole time in Phoenix I did not get depressed but I did have some anxiety, but the sunshine and blue skies were right outside my door and art, music and education were everywhere. God provided my every need in a City where I really didn’t know anyone. But it was time to take another layer off the onion of healing. So I was led to come home and I am so happy that I did. I have no regrets.

I heal out loud so that other women don’t have to die by silence.

I dwell in Truth’s freedom.

Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 9.5.19.12.02

 

Undo to Heal

Therapy was really good yesterday, my understanding of abandonment has grown. Children will seek approval of their parents even if the parent was abusive. It is just the nature of childhood.

I was abandoned by my mother at six and suffered severe neglect and rape.

I have been recreating the scenario of abandonment over and over subconsciously hoping for a different outcome. Hoping she would finally show up and give the unconditional love I deserved. I have been choosing partners just like my mother.  Ones that would leave or abuse.  My core belief has been that people will leave you, people will hurt you and not have any conscious about it.

It was always my fault that she is a bad person. My mother never admitted to what happened to me. I was a liar, a bad seed. It was not that bad, even though I was home alone, dirty and had no clean clothes or nothing to eat. My uncle had to break a window to get me out of the roach-infested apartment. I don’t know where my mother was.

My aunt had to scrub the dirt off my body.

This was a very hard truth to accept. My mother is dead and I wanted her to stay dead. But if I truly want to heal, at last, I had to look at her and what happened to me on her watch. I have long ago forgiven her.  I loved my mother. but that did not erase what happened and how it affected me.

The undo had to happen.

I understand now that until the pain of abandonment, neglect, and abuse are processed and the root of bitterness is excavated I will keep seeking approval from the abuser. I am grateful for all of my experiences. I look for the silver lining in every situation. I want my pain to serve a purpose. I need my pain to be the catalyst for someone else’s healing. I don’t want my living to be in vain, so I share this journey in hopes that others won’t wait until 50 to heal. I pray that healing comes soon and swiftly for all that are hurting.

I am calling this the season of my next level healing. I could be embarrassed about doing this healing process at 58. I choose instead to appreciate that at least I got it and I am literally destroying the trauma cycle for my entire family for generations to come. The work I do in therapy may not be appreciated by my children or grandchildren and that is okay. God knows the sacrifice. God knows my heart that wants to protect them 

It is all starting to make sense to me now. Therapy has helped explain why I have been doing the same thing over and over even until my detriment. Our subconscious mind is so powerful that we do things mindlessly. We are unaware until we have the courage to face the truth about ourselves and those that have hurt us we will not heal. 

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp♥️

NO, and NO I am not alone.

Whew! I am one of those people. The kind that starts immediately looking for the lesson in the situation so it can be over with and I can move on in this journey of healing.

I lost it today as someone stood at the end of my bed. belittling me and talking to me as if I were a child. I forgive myself for giving her another chance. She called and said what I wanted to hear and boom, right back to the same ole same ole dysfunction.  I asked for my possession and she refused to give it to me and I admit it. I lost it. I lunged at her from my hospital bed trying to get my car keys. she refused to give them to me so I got out of my bed and ran down the hospital hallway to get my keys. I got them too, but not without much embarrassment.

I learned that I do have a breaking point. We all do, but staying away from people that bring out the worst in me is the top priority. I am a force now because as I said, lessons are the most important. I really believe life is going to be filled with nothing but positivity. People that play with your mind are dangerous.

I am sorry for taking my family and friends with me on this journey to love. We don’t usually consider how our choices affect our loved ones that have witnessed you suffer needlessly. Healing is a process. Most women go back to an abuser 7 times before actually leaving and staying gone. I will talk more about that in upcoming blog posts.

I did not get real with therapy until I was 50 years old when I found myself cowered in the corner of my bedroom having flashbacks of when I was left home alone at 5. So this 8 year journey has been an education if nothing else. There have been gaps along the way but it has been probably a good 5 of those 8 were spent in therapy.

It became my mission to free myself and destroy patterns and pathologies in the family tree so that “we can rock the future generations without dysfunction”.

So anyway, let me get back to the point. I learned a lot about myself with these last, ugh, few uh, well let us call them revelations.

I learned that I was still co-dependent. I saw it from a different perspective by listening to my dear friend even though we have not ever met in person, Sherry Dickerson. She talked about needing to be needed was classic co-dependency.

I kinda sorta knew that but the way she put it just made all the circuits of codependency go off in my brain.

Finally, I really get it.

I will always go to therapy when things come up that I need support with, the best place to go is to a Mental Health Professional. That can not only listen and validate your feelings but will also give you tools to use while you heal.

I learned that I have been telling myself a lie about being alone.

My son and his wife and my grandson came to see me at the hospital. I did not call him and I should have. I did not want to bother him. That is that old tape playing in my head from childhood that says he is too busy to be bothered with me.

Let me say that none of my children have ever made feel bad about asking for help. I just don’t ask that is my issue. I see that and it does not serve my highest good to not allow my children to be there for me. It is a blessing for both parent and child when our children bless us with their care and concern.

My daughter checked on me throughout the evening and day.

Another son contacted to make sure I was okay.

I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of Facebook friends that prayed with and for me.

I have a great support system. My girlfriends have my back. These are friends from way back 30 or 40 years or more.

No matter what, even if they have to tell me I am wrong, they will still support whatever I decide to do with my life.

NO, and NO I am not alone. God is with me, and in me so I will always have love. I will not be dying alone. that is a lie from hellacious energy cause hell is right here on earth.

I learned how to let go. I am a Cancer so that is a hard one for me. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not stupid. I am kind. But when I realized that I can not trust you, and sometimes it takes me a long time because I have issues, but, baby, you get no more of my goodness. So I am working on keeping my goodies for the one that will appreciate them. I may have already overlooked her but I wasn’t ready. After all of the drama of the last few months, I am still not ready. That is a great place to be.

I learned that I am poised for greatness.

I also learned that my mouth could impede my growth.

I am a fighter. I fight back. I won’t allow you to do me any kind of way but on the flip side, I learned about my Trauma Brain and Trauma Bonding and a lot of other stuff about trauma and why some of us, especially survivors, keep having the same challenges.

I am even more committed to helping women. When I research and help you I am helping myself. As I encourage you, I encourage myself.

Believe me, I know when to quit, although it may appear that I don’t, and that is okay. I am going to continue letting God lead the way and keep on getting these lessons. This education will catapult me to the next level. I count it all joy, even the F*** ups. As long as we learn, hey, it is all good, right?

Thank you for letting me be myself again

Mozayik

8.18.19.4.41

the side effects of my trauma

fuck you i am done apologizing for the side affects of my trauma
if you don’t understand, oh well
that is your karma
judge me
hate me
ridicule me
that is your loss
sorry you lacked compassion
i have overcome so much that today
i am not allowing your ignorance
to make me feel less
than awesome
i am a phenomenal woman
fuck you i am not apologizing for being me

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet
4.27.19 4.29p