Mind Control

Mind Control

I am grateful that I can control me. If we master ourselves anything else is a cake walk. There was a time when I was so fragile psychologically that my family would withhold information from me in fear of how any bad news would affect me.

This year I am sitting in the home I have created for myself. I am happy, safe and more importantly, I am a prayer warrior  not a chronic worrier. I can take the bad news. I don’t take most things personally.

I have recovered from the fragile state of depression and anxiety. I still struggle from time to time but a stumble is better than the drastic falls I had before therapy.  I sacrificed a lot for my healing. I wish I had committed to healing sooner.

The root of bitterness has been destroyed. I am the master of my soul.

Resentment (it is a state of mind)

Resentment (it is a state of mind)

Resentment equals un-forgiveness.  Letting go is healthy.  Holding grudges is a poison that erodes every relationship, especially the one we have with ourselves.  Loving ourselves includes not letting animosity rent space in our hearts or heads.

10-steps-letting-go-resentment

 

A mother’s thoughts on father’s day “the truth”

It is time to tell the truth.  As a man, a father and a husband you failed all of us.  As your wife you mistreated me, devalued me and abused me physically, financially and psychologically.  As your wife I laid down my life and entire body for your pleasure and happiness.  I literally gave you my soul trying to get you to give me what I rightfully deserved because I was your wife.  the minute you realized that I was waking up to your mistreatment you went into over drive to destroy me.

You vowed to honor, cherish and protect me and you did none of these things.

During my time living with you I was made to feel dispensable.  I gave you children by actually abusing my body with injections from hormones and going under the knife of three surgeries.  I poured everything of me into you, the children, the home and the community.  When I became aware of your abuse and started down the path to healing you refused to do what was needed to save our family.

But I get all the blame and you get all the glory.

When my children put you on a pedestal I am continually traumatized because I want to scream to the top of my voice that this man did everything within his power to destroy and cast me aside as if I was of no value.

Mr. man the father of my children your children should know what you have deliberately done to their mother.

On mother’s day I don’t get cards or presents declaring their love for me at least not until recently that one of our sons took me to lunch and the other promised dinner that I have yet to receive.

You did not teach them to honor me but I taught them to honor you.  Those Father’s day cards they gave you growing up were bought with my money when I took them to the store and told them to buy.

It is time to finally tell my truth about you.  During our marriage you were despicable in your behavior towards me.  I did not deserve what you did to me.  You called me a stupid bitch even before we were married and you treated me like a stupid bitch the entire marriage.  You need to take ownership for the way you treated the woman that risked her live to give you children.

I was a great wife and mother and yes I said great.  I was the reason your children were healthy, smart and protected.  I kept your house clean, I cooked from scratch three hot meals everyday.  All you had to do was go to work and come home.

I did all that I could to make you happy but you still mistreated me.  On mothers day you would not even tell me happy mothers day and that still hurts to this day.  My needs were never a priority.  I gave you my blood and you threw it back in my face.  My oldest child would say to me “Mama why do you bend over backwards to please him when he treats you like shit?” That is when I knew I had to leave you.  I did not want her to think that this is how relationships should be.  My youngest child stood in front of us both and asked you, “Daddy why do you talk to mama like you talk to us?”  in other words a five year old child could see that your treatment of me was abusive.  I was not treated as an equal partner with value.  You treated me as if I was in the way.  I asked you for a divorce and you told me no because you were waiting until the children were 18 and then you were going to divorce me.

I need the truth to be told about your character as a man.  I begged you to go to counseling or to a minister so we could talk about saving our marriage, our family but you adamantly refused.  I told you I was unhappy and you told me that was not your problem.  You always had this tremendous animosity towards me as if I had somehow single-handedly destroyed your life.  You did not own your shity ways.  You set it up so that you got all the credit and I all the blame.

You plotted against me with your lawyer to destroy me “the mother of your children”.  I deserved honor.  I deserved respect.  I needed protecting but you cast me away like old shoes that had become uncomfortable and unsightly.

During the marriage I admit that some of my behavior was confusing but I needed help not judgment and criticism.  I remember lying in bed trying to explain to you that I was having flash backs and memories of my childhood sexual abuse.  Your response was I don’t want to hear that I am not your therapist.  I could fill a book with the disrespecting and demeaning comments you made to me.

I know now that because of the many traumas I suffered in my life I have PTSD and I was being constantly triggered by your abusive behavior and that resulted in my chronic suicidal depression.  I needed help.

Even after all I sacrificed for you, all that I gave to you I was the enemy.

Because you could not control me for your purposes I became something you needed to get rid of as soon as you had used me for your agenda.

You promised to honor me, to cherish me and to protect me until death separated us.  I did everything within my power to stay with you until I realized that you had no concern for my well being.  You just wanted me gone and were not willing to compromise or work on the marriage.

YOU FAILED ALL OF US.  If being the head is what you wanted you failed your family miserably.  You took my children and then didn’t do right by them.  You worked second shift everyday.  They spent weekends with me.  You would not answer your phone during the day. While the children were at school you were unavailable.  I was the parent the school called. I was the parent that attended the open houses and Parent/Teacher meetings.

You may have provided a roof over their heads but you did not really put any time in raising them and teaching the  values they needed to be better off than their parents.

You told them lies to manipulate them and trick them out of opportunities that I worked hard to provide for them.  I moved into one of the top school districts in the country.  They fall number 30 in the entire country.  They were enrolled, had their classes and id’s and would not let them attend.  I had deliberately worked hard to get a home big enough for them to live with me during the week and stay with you on the weekends.  I told you I did not want any money.  My husband and I at the time did not need your money.  You lied on me to them so they would not go to school from my house.  You essentially robbed them of a brighter future.

Your only concern has been how much money would come out of your pocket not your children’s well being.  You made it appear that I left you and the kids.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  You and your lawyer plotted and manipulated me out of the house.  You threatened to quit your job, leave town and burn the house down before you would give me your house or your children.  You were calling my phone and playing the funeral march to scare me out of the house.

The judge ordered you to pay all the bills in the house where your children and I lived so that I could save my money to move out.  You stopped paying and things started to get cut off.  He told you to co-sign for me to get an apartment because of being a stay at home mom and not having any rental history.  You refused to obey and that resulted in me living next door to a crack house.  You did not protect the mother of your children.

You made sure I felt like a stupid bitch.

So yeah, should you be honored?  Were you really a good father?  Hell NO.

I am done with protecting the children from the truth of who their father is.  I have talked positively about you always but you did not deserve it.  The truth is you abused their mother.  You did not protect their mother.  You never honored what their mother did so that you or them could be happy. 

You victimized their mother, forced her out to fend for herself.  You vilified their mother to them. To the world you wanted it to appear that I was the problem, when the whole time behind closed doors you were a complete and utter asshole.

You frequently told me that if I did not like the ways things were that I should leave and you could do it by yourself.  Stupid man that you are you thought you were gaining the upper hand when all along you were just still continuing the abuse of their mother.

I don’t ever remember you taking the children to store or getting a box of crayons to make a card for their mother on mother’s day but I still made sure they honored you.  Not because you deserved it but because I wanted to teach them how to treat people.

You are the stupid one for throwing their mother away.  You are the stupid one for not being grateful to a woman that gave you children and grandchildren.

Yes I had mental illness.  But that makes you look even worse.  You refused to refinance the car so I could afford it and when it got repossessed you went after me.

How did I become the enemy?  I gave you everything you wanted at the risk of my own life but you could see me out in the street?  You did not give a fuck about a woman that gave you everything. Those grandchildren you dote over are because I gave you children.

I tried and I begged you to try to keep our family together.

I will not be saying positive things about your anymore.  I am not being malicious.  I am just telling the truth about who you are.

You are an ungrateful, misogynistic, abusive human being.  You are selfish.  You are and was arrogant to think you could do it all by yourself.  But I have one question.  Who is the mother of your children?  Did you do right by her?  Did you value her contribution to the family?  Did you show your children in word and deed how to treat their mother?

ramble #1011

Today is one of those days where madness comes to taunt me saying “it is too hard, too heavy, not enough of whatever is needed. You just do not have it and although you are giving your best, your best is not enough. I have been spending a lot of effort to not think about the trauma and the apathy of the adults around me, some of them had to have known.

I am giving my best today.

I am deciding to not take it personal.

I will not assume.

I will be impeccable with my words to myself.

I realize that the words I use to deflate and destroy my positive energy can be replaced with words that inflate and build or repair my positive energy or my soul or my highest good or my renewing of my mind, or my positive affirmations’, or whatever you want to call telling the past to go the hell back where it came from.

Because today, now, I am okay, I am enough, I have given my best, and I realize none of it is personal because we all have our own custom-made teaching experiences. It only means our souls have agreed to cross paths to hopefully help each to evolve to another level spiritually.

I cannot assume and it is not because my thinking is dysfunctional it is because it is never wise to assume without asking questions to avoid misunderstandings.

My real challenge is the words, the words I use to talk to me, the words I use to talk to my friends, the words all have to be on one accord, then I will be empowered to change. #isaidit

 

Cloak of Guilt

A journal entry from 1.3.2013

All day today I have been hearing that Mary J. Blige song “Just Fine”.  I made it through a tumultuous year.  If you had told me everything that happened in my life was a promise I would have laughed.  I believe I can be more than a survivor.  I can thrive.  I know how to hold on to my Joy.  (still holding 3.25.2013)

I am still in therapy and I plan on staying for the long haul this time.  I am truly falling in love with me.  I had told myself that I deserved bad things to happen to me as restitution to what I thought I had done to people I love.  My therapist had me look at blame and what I found was that I was quick to take the blame for everything that went wrong in my children’s’ lives, the people I was in relationship with or any other situation.  It was easier to be the scapegoat that way I did not have to address the issues.

Our society conditions women to wear guilt like a cloak of honor.  A case in point is my divorce and the custody battle.  My ex husband had one of the best and most expensive lawyers in Missouri and they had plotted their plan of action against me months before I ever spoke to a legal aid lawyer.  The Legal Services of Eastern Missouri  http://www.lsem.org/ could not help me  in the late 90’s, I hope the patriarchal stupidity has stopped
because they used his income to decide if I qualified for help.  Although,  it was documented that he was physically abusive.

Of course he won custody but I am still treated as if I abandoned my children.  Not once has anyone said anything negative about a man who would take his children from their mother when there was no history of anything negative.  As I look back I can understand his perseverance  to keep them away from my incestuous family.  He knew all about the molestation of me and my siblings and was determined to keep his children from that and I don’t blame him.  Looking back with 20/20, things happened the way that they were supposed to.

But I do blame myself and allow others to guilt trip me.  (working on changing my thoughts)

It showed up in my relationships.  Particularly the most recent involvement with a woman that triggered me to relive my childhood sexual abuse, trauma and neglect.   I clung to her with my life, and would not let go because doing so meant I had to stop blaming myself and do the hard work of healing.  I willing allowed her to tell me all of our problems were because “I had issues”.  She was abusive and I made excuses for her so I could live in denial, but that is another story..

I am grateful to know that I can be alone with myself and have peace.  That was something I had lost last year.

I am still free from the fear of being alone.  3.25.2013

Is Pain really Fear leaving your body?

 

  • fear

    you have no power over me.

    you’ve held me captive much too long

    you were my master and i your slave

    you even tried to take me to my grave

    the scales have fallen off my eyes

    perfect love found me

    now i know you are just a wanna be

    in the presence of love you flee

    i have power over you

    love has destroyed every yoke

    victory is mine i am free

    i have power over fear

     

  • My first reaction was to say there is no way I am that damn afraid. But when I think about all that I have accomplished since I decided to not let pain win I have to stop and see if there might be some truth in that.
    I realized I was going to hurt whether I lay in bed, cry and continue on with the vicious cycle of depression because I have pain 24/7 or I could get out of bed and keep moving.
    People around me try to get me to be still and say I am doing too much, but they don’t understand that when I be still I am focused on the pain but movement allows me to transcend the pain. It never goes away. I just have days that are better than others.

    There may be some truth to pain is fear leaving. All of 2012 I have been in therapy dealing with the fear of PAIN. I was living with the fear of psychological and physical pain. My quality of life was affected because I feared doing anything that would result in me being in unbearable pain.

    I was afraid to allow the memories and flashbacks to surface because I thought I could not endure the overwhelming feelings of shame and heartbreak. Along with the memories my body would hurt in direct proportion to area of my body that was being harmed in my memory. I actually felt a release of painful energy. I felt lighter more free, less afraid.

    I know beyond a shadow of doubt that one of the biggest reasons I have Fibromyalgia is because my flight or fight response is stuck to ON. That means I have been living in a state of tension/terror all my life and this has caused me to tense all my muscles and now I am telling my muscles to relax and that is not my natural state. I do not know how to relax. Therein lies my problem. Even my brain has been wired abnormally but that is being changed every time I get out of bed and “Keep it Moving”

 

I wont abandon me. (ptsd)

If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered.  It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now.  I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now?

I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming.

Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions.  I would resist the feelings.  I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff.  I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five.  I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved.

I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche.  Now is the time my body and mind have chosen to deal with this at this time in my life the only thing I have focus on is myself.  No more hiding behind children and spouses I am ready to create and reveal the life I deserve.

I am at a place where I can move forward to complete this book.  I am still in therapy dealing with my abandonment issues and working diligently to find  peace with the memories.  I am going to start a new page as I go through the process of dealing with these issues and how they have showed up in my behavior and my relationships.

I am striving towards healing to allow me to have more healthy relationships.  It is not something that can be dealt with quickly because i have learned that the mind will bring these memories and flashbacks to surface when i am ready to deal with them.  As i have learned the hard way, if i don’t deal with the feelings they will deal with me.

As i continue on my journey to healing and mental health and stability hopefully someone will be encouraged to start their own healing.

I promise the little girl in my that I will not abandon her and will stay with her for as long as it takes to learn how to live with PTSD.

Thank you for going on this journey of my soul with me.