It is time to tell the truth. As a man, a father and a husband you failed all of us. As your wife you mistreated me, devalued me and abused me physically, financially and psychologically. As your wife I laid down my life and entire body for your pleasure and happiness. I literally gave you my soul trying to get you to give me what I rightfully deserved because I was your wife. the minute you realized that I was waking up to your mistreatment you went into over drive to destroy me.
You vowed to honor, cherish and protect me and you did none of these things.
During my time living with you I was made to feel dispensable. I gave you children by actually abusing my body with injections from hormones and going under the knife of three surgeries. I poured everything of me into you, the children, the home and the community. When I became aware of your abuse and started down the path to healing you refused to do what was needed to save our family.
But I get all the blame and you get all the glory.
When my children put you on a pedestal I am continually traumatized because I want to scream to the top of my voice that this man did everything within his power to destroy and cast me aside as if I was of no value.
Mr. man the father of my children your children should know what you have deliberately done to their mother.
On mother’s day I don’t get cards or presents declaring their love for me at least not until recently that one of our sons took me to lunch and the other promised dinner that I have yet to receive.
You did not teach them to honor me but I taught them to honor you. Those Father’s day cards they gave you growing up were bought with my money when I took them to the store and told them to buy.
It is time to finally tell my truth about you. During our marriage you were despicable in your behavior towards me. I did not deserve what you did to me. You called me a stupid bitch even before we were married and you treated me like a stupid bitch the entire marriage. You need to take ownership for the way you treated the woman that risked her live to give you children.
I was a great wife and mother and yes I said great. I was the reason your children were healthy, smart and protected. I kept your house clean, I cooked from scratch three hot meals everyday. All you had to do was go to work and come home.
I did all that I could to make you happy but you still mistreated me. On mothers day you would not even tell me happy mothers day and that still hurts to this day. My needs were never a priority. I gave you my blood and you threw it back in my face. My oldest child would say to me “Mama why do you bend over backwards to please him when he treats you like shit?” That is when I knew I had to leave you. I did not want her to think that this is how relationships should be. My youngest child stood in front of us both and asked you, “Daddy why do you talk to mama like you talk to us?” in other words a five year old child could see that your treatment of me was abusive. I was not treated as an equal partner with value. You treated me as if I was in the way. I asked you for a divorce and you told me no because you were waiting until the children were 18 and then you were going to divorce me.
I need the truth to be told about your character as a man. I begged you to go to counseling or to a minister so we could talk about saving our marriage, our family but you adamantly refused. I told you I was unhappy and you told me that was not your problem. You always had this tremendous animosity towards me as if I had somehow single-handedly destroyed your life. You did not own your shity ways. You set it up so that you got all the credit and I all the blame.
You plotted against me with your lawyer to destroy me “the mother of your children”. I deserved honor. I deserved respect. I needed protecting but you cast me away like old shoes that had become uncomfortable and unsightly.
During the marriage I admit that some of my behavior was confusing but I needed help not judgment and criticism. I remember lying in bed trying to explain to you that I was having flash backs and memories of my childhood sexual abuse. Your response was I don’t want to hear that I am not your therapist. I could fill a book with the disrespecting and demeaning comments you made to me.
I know now that because of the many traumas I suffered in my life I have PTSD and I was being constantly triggered by your abusive behavior and that resulted in my chronic suicidal depression. I needed help.
Even after all I sacrificed for you, all that I gave to you I was the enemy.
Because you could not control me for your purposes I became something you needed to get rid of as soon as you had used me for your agenda.
You promised to honor me, to cherish me and to protect me until death separated us. I did everything within my power to stay with you until I realized that you had no concern for my well being. You just wanted me gone and were not willing to compromise or work on the marriage.
YOU FAILED ALL OF US. If being the head is what you wanted you failed your family miserably. You took my children and then didn’t do right by them. You worked second shift everyday. They spent weekends with me. You would not answer your phone during the day. While the children were at school you were unavailable. I was the parent the school called. I was the parent that attended the open houses and Parent/Teacher meetings.
You may have provided a roof over their heads but you did not really put any time in raising them and teaching the values they needed to be better off than their parents.
You told them lies to manipulate them and trick them out of opportunities that I worked hard to provide for them. I moved into one of the top school districts in the country. They fall number 30 in the entire country. They were enrolled, had their classes and id’s and would not let them attend. I had deliberately worked hard to get a home big enough for them to live with me during the week and stay with you on the weekends. I told you I did not want any money. My husband and I at the time did not need your money. You lied on me to them so they would not go to school from my house. You essentially robbed them of a brighter future.
Your only concern has been how much money would come out of your pocket not your children’s well being. You made it appear that I left you and the kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. You and your lawyer plotted and manipulated me out of the house. You threatened to quit your job, leave town and burn the house down before you would give me your house or your children. You were calling my phone and playing the funeral march to scare me out of the house.
The judge ordered you to pay all the bills in the house where your children and I lived so that I could save my money to move out. You stopped paying and things started to get cut off. He told you to co-sign for me to get an apartment because of being a stay at home mom and not having any rental history. You refused to obey and that resulted in me living next door to a crack house. You did not protect the mother of your children.
You made sure I felt like a stupid bitch.
So yeah, should you be honored? Were you really a good father? Hell NO.
I am done with protecting the children from the truth of who their father is. I have talked positively about you always but you did not deserve it. The truth is you abused their mother. You did not protect their mother. You never honored what their mother did so that you or them could be happy.
You victimized their mother, forced her out to fend for herself. You vilified their mother to them. To the world you wanted it to appear that I was the problem, when the whole time behind closed doors you were a complete and utter asshole.
You frequently told me that if I did not like the ways things were that I should leave and you could do it by yourself. Stupid man that you are you thought you were gaining the upper hand when all along you were just still continuing the abuse of their mother.
I don’t ever remember you taking the children to store or getting a box of crayons to make a card for their mother on mother’s day but I still made sure they honored you. Not because you deserved it but because I wanted to teach them how to treat people.
You are the stupid one for throwing their mother away. You are the stupid one for not being grateful to a woman that gave you children and grandchildren.
Yes I had mental illness. But that makes you look even worse. You refused to refinance the car so I could afford it and when it got repossessed you went after me.
How did I become the enemy? I gave you everything you wanted at the risk of my own life but you could see me out in the street? You did not give a fuck about a woman that gave you everything. Those grandchildren you dote over are because I gave you children.
I tried and I begged you to try to keep our family together.
I will not be saying positive things about your anymore. I am not being malicious. I am just telling the truth about who you are.
You are an ungrateful, misogynistic, abusive human being. You are selfish. You are and was arrogant to think you could do it all by yourself. But I have one question. Who is the mother of your children? Did you do right by her? Did you value her contribution to the family? Did you show your children in word and deed how to treat their mother?
Celebrate with me my healing. Pity has not served me well. I am done with pity parties. I tell my story so that some woman, girl, boy or man can believe they can heal. I tell it so someone can know that their pain does not define who they can become. I tell it so that my soul can no longer be in bondage to the secrets and shame. I tell my story to show you can overcome tragedy and triumph. I want others to feel empowered to tell their stories in hopes that we can save lives. Secrets kill and I want to live.
- Window 289 – Self pity (awindowofwisdom.wordpress.com)
It has been a while since my last post. I have been putting my mental and physical health first. I seek to be whole. I am ready for truth. I await my teachers. Bring me my answers, show me how to go in and bring out the gift. This is my prayer.
I have been reflecting because my homework from my therapist is for me to look at my emotional and physical boundaries. All of my relationships with men and women have been abusive in some way, except for maybe two, and those two people are still a part of my life.
I am asking myself some hard questions lately. Why do I partner with abusive people? Why do I partner with people who need me to take care of them? I am seeing the patterns. I am committed to taking the time and energy to do what is necessary to change my thinking so I make better choices. My relationships have not been healthy but that does not mean future relationships are doomed to be a repeat of the past, especially if I do the work.
So much has happened since my last blog post. This journey is mine uniquely. Others may have been able to endure what I have and not be as affected. Others still, did not survive and have severe mental illness, addictions or have committed suicide. We do not know why some are affected more or less than others.
I have given up feeling guilty because it appears to have been harder for me than someone else “getting over it”. We all have own limits. PTSD is Post/After Trauma Stress Disorder the very name describes a disorder in the way a person handles stress physiologically, psychologically and certainly emotionally get so tired of people saying, “Let it go, it happened so long ago, get over it, and move on”
I am now finally learning how to move on. I started taking care of people at the age of eleven. I married at 17, again at 25 and again at 38 along the way having twins and triplets. This is the first time in my life the only person I have to take care of is myself. Now is the perfect time to devote to “getting over” this. I am creating my best life. My likelihood of having a healthy, loving, and honest relationship increases every time I go to therapy even when my body is taunting me with pain.
Any way I may have digressed, I think one main reason that my partners turned out to be abusive, (they did not seem abusive in the beginning), is I do not have well established emotional boundaries. I never even considered this concept until my therapist brought it up.I am an open book and I was proud of it until now. Being too emotionally open has allowed people into parts of me they did not deserve access to. I gave them a map to my buttons by telling all of my darkest secrets and fears. All the things I felt guilty about or felt ashamed of were deliberately used to their advantage. Well, not anymore. I am a survivor. I always figure out the way through difficult situations.I am strong enough to write about the past and still live in the now.
I still have some work to do, but the hardest part is over. Now I can work on the side effects. The images, memories, and the feelings that accompanied them don’t take me hostage while robbing me of my breath.
I will definitely tell y’all about it when the time is right. But, it will be soon. I am now working on the final touches for the book. I have a feeling that now is the time to give my gift away to the world.
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
you have no power over me.
you’ve held me captive much too long
you were my master and i your slave
you even tried to take me to my grave
the scales have fallen off my eyes
perfect love found me
now i know you are just a wanna be
in the presence of love you flee
i have power over you
love has destroyed every yoke
victory is mine i am free
i have power over fear
- My first reaction was to say there is no way I am that damn afraid. But when I think about all that I have accomplished since I decided to not let pain win I have to stop and see if there might be some truth in that.
I realized I was going to hurt whether I lay in bed, cry and continue on with the vicious cycle of depression because I have pain 24/7 or I could get out of bed and keep moving.
People around me try to get me to be still and say I am doing too much, but they don’t understand that when I be still I am focused on the pain but movement allows me to transcend the pain. It never goes away. I just have days that are better than others.
There may be some truth to pain is fear leaving. All of 2012 I have been in therapy dealing with the fear of PAIN. I was living with the fear of psychological and physical pain. My quality of life was affected because I feared doing anything that would result in me being in unbearable pain.
I was afraid to allow the memories and flashbacks to surface because I thought I could not endure the overwhelming feelings of shame and heartbreak. Along with the memories my body would hurt in direct proportion to area of my body that was being harmed in my memory. I actually felt a release of painful energy. I felt lighter more free, less afraid.
I know beyond a shadow of doubt that one of the biggest reasons I have Fibromyalgia is because my flight or fight response is stuck to ON. That means I have been living in a state of tension/terror all my life and this has caused me to tense all my muscles and now I am telling my muscles to relax and that is not my natural state. I do not know how to relax. Therein lies my problem. Even my brain has been wired abnormally but that is being changed every time I get out of bed and “Keep it Moving”
- Fibromyalgia and the Fear of Chronic Pain (everydayhealth.com)
- The Mental War against Fibromyalgia (painfighter.wordpress.com)
- Quieting Chronic Pain (massageenvy.com)
- Emotional Causes of Disease (youwerebornthatway.com)
- Fibromyalgia’s Invisible Face (painfighter.wordpress.com)
- Pain Robs You of Everything (bartogirl.com)
If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered. It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now. I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now?
I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming.
Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions. I would resist the feelings. I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff. I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five. I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved.
I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche. Now is the time my body and mind have chosen to deal with this at this time in my life the only thing I have focus on is myself. No more hiding behind children and spouses I am ready to create and reveal the life I deserve.
I am at a place where I can move forward to complete this book. I am still in therapy dealing with my abandonment issues and working diligently to find peace with the memories. I am going to start a new page as I go through the process of dealing with these issues and how they have showed up in my behavior and my relationships.
I am striving towards healing to allow me to have more healthy relationships. It is not something that can be dealt with quickly because i have learned that the mind will bring these memories and flashbacks to surface when i am ready to deal with them. As i have learned the hard way, if i don’t deal with the feelings they will deal with me.
As i continue on my journey to healing and mental health and stability hopefully someone will be encouraged to start their own healing.
I promise the little girl in my that I will not abandon her and will stay with her for as long as it takes to learn how to live with PTSD.
Thank you for going on this journey of my soul with me.
- Flashbacks (labringle.wordpress.com)
I am doing the last editing of my book and the feelings that are coming up this time are intense. I want to feel so I can grow but the overwhelming sense of abandonment is making me want to not feel anything. This is why it has taken so long to finish.
Reliving the events that have been the inspiration for this book is excruciatingly painful. I have made an appointment to see a therapist because I am going to need some help with this part. At least I know there is resolution if I move through these feelings I will have gained better insight into why I keep repeating the same patterns.
Applied knowledge is power. They say awareness is half the battle. I am determined to stay on purpose. Hopefully I can finish this time and move on to more pleasing endeavors.
So, I will leave you with an excerpt from the book that will explain some of the emotions I am dealing with.
excerpt from “Life in Poetry”
looking and searching for something
that was supposed to be my birthright
why am I called out to endure such a trial
how is it that people overlooked the fact
that I was a child
now as an adult
what can I do to undo what has been done to me
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
it seems you will always be
the thorn in my flesh
by my human frailty
i rely on god’s grace
when your actions get the best of me
you can find me on my knees
for you to see
you could have already been free
I wrote this poem in January, 1999 for the brother we lost to alcoholism. He was 36. Now 2011 we could lose another brother to alcoholism. He just turned 37. They both drank for the same reasons but we pretend it is not happening. We are as Sick as our Secrets and ours are killing us.
finally brother you can rest
in this world you no longer stay
we must accept that god
has taken you away
no longer do you plead for love
from a world grown cold
we did not get to see you grow old
but now you are free
you don’t have to hurt any more
finally brother you can rest
no need to cry or feel blue
one day we will join you
you are now comforted by
your heavenly father’s arms
your soul has taken flight
you are smiling at the sight
of angels welcoming you
into a peaceful rest
finally brother you can rest
Silence is deadly. I am learning that the secrets we think we are keeping are most times obvious to everyone but ourselves. We may be silent but our sick secrets are exposed for all to see. When a man drinks himself to death it is not happenstance. Usually when we drink, eat, drug or sex ourselves to abuse or addiction, it is to ease PAIN.
For the last week or so I have been contemplating why my family continue to pretend everything is okay. Another brother will be lost if we continue to sweep things under the rug. I feel so helpless to save him. I don’t think I can look anyone in the eyes again without saying “we have to stop this shit now”. I want to ask my mother “How long will you continue to deny the facts? How many of us have to die? Free us and tell the truth, please.”
I need to find a way to stop participating. I am tired of the superficial relationships. If we are not free to speak our truth in love then it is all a waste of time. There was a time when all I wanted was revenge. I was hurting so I wanted the so-called “perpetrators” to hurt with me. That position did not serve me well and the poison of anger was killing me. Once I sought my own healing I saw things differently.
My only motive now is to facilitate healing and stop others from being hurt.
Only LOVE can heal us. I realize that people have reasons why they do the things they do. The people who hurt us have been harmed by someone and the vicious cycle is repeated over and over because of silence. I am telling my story. I refuse to be quiet.