A mother’s thoughts on father’s day “the truth”

It is time to tell the truth.  As a man, a father and a husband you failed all of us.  As your wife you mistreated me, devalued me and abused me physically, financially and psychologically.  As your wife I laid down my life and entire body for your pleasure and happiness.  I literally gave you my soul trying to get you to give me what I rightfully deserved because I was your wife.  the minute you realized that I was waking up to your mistreatment you went into over drive to destroy me. You vowed to honor, cherish and protect me and you did none of these things. During my time living with you I was made to feel dispensable.  I gave you children by actually abusing my body with injections from hormones and going under the knife of three surgeries.  I poured everything of me into you, the children, the home and the community.  When I became aware of

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Celebrate with me but, Please no Pity

Celebrate with me my healing.  Pity has not served me well.  I am done with pity parties. I tell my story so that some woman, girl, boy or man can believe they can heal.  I tell it so someone can know that their pain does not define who they can become.  I tell it so that my soul can no longer be in bondage to the secrets and shame.  I tell my story to show you can overcome tragedy and triumph.  I want others to feel empowered to tell their stories in hopes that we can save lives.  Secrets kill and I want to live. Related articles Window 289 – Self pity (awindowofwisdom.wordpress.com)  

Emotional Boundaries? Girl,I am doing my work!

It has been a while since my last post. I have been putting my mental and physical health first. I seek to be whole. I am ready for truth. I await my teachers. Bring me my answers, show me how to go in and bring out the gift. This is my prayer. I have been reflecting because my homework from my therapist is for me to look at my emotional and physical boundaries. All of my relationships with men and women have been abusive in some way, except for maybe two, and those two people are still a part of my life. I am asking myself some hard questions lately. Why do I partner with abusive people? Why do I partner with people who need me to take care of them? I am seeing the patterns. I am committed to taking the time and energy to do what is necessary to change my thinking so I make better choices. My

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Is Pain really Fear leaving your body?

  fear you have no power over me. you’ve held me captive much too long you were my master and i your slave you even tried to take me to my grave the scales have fallen off my eyes perfect love found me now i know you are just a wanna be in the presence of love you flee i have power over you love has destroyed every yoke victory is mine i am free i have power over fear   My first reaction was to say there is no way I am that damn afraid. But when I think about all that I have accomplished since I decided to not let pain win I have to stop and see if there might be some truth in that. I realized I was going to hurt whether I lay in bed, cry and continue on with the vicious cycle of depression because I have pain 24/7 or I could get out

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I wont abandon me. (ptsd)

If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered.  It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now.  I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now? I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming. Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions.  I would resist the feelings.  I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff.  I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five.  I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved. I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche.  Now is the time my body

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On Purpose

I am doing the last editing of my book and the feelings that are coming up this time are intense.  I want to feel so I can grow but the overwhelming sense of abandonment is making me want to not feel anything.  This is why it has taken so long to finish. Reliving the events that have been the inspiration for this book is excruciatingly painful.  I have made an appointment to see a therapist because I am going to need some help with this part.  At least I know there is resolution if I move through these feelings I will have gained better insight into why I keep repeating the same patterns. Applied knowledge is power.  They say awareness is half the battle.  I am determined to stay on purpose.  Hopefully I can finish this time and move on to more pleasing endeavors. So, I will leave you with an excerpt from the book that will explain some of

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Pseudo Secrets

I wrote this poem in January, 1999 for the brother we lost to alcoholism.  He was 36. Now 2011 we could lose another brother to alcoholism.  He just turned 37.  They both drank for the same reasons but we pretend it is not happening. We are as Sick as our Secrets and ours are killing us. finally brother you can rest in this world you no longer stay we must accept that god has taken you away no longer do you plead for love from a world grown cold we did not get to see you grow old but now you are free you don’t have to hurt any more finally brother you can rest no need to cry or feel blue one day we will join you you are now comforted by your heavenly father’s arms your soul has taken flight you are smiling at the sight of angels welcoming you into a peaceful rest finally brother you can

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