Author: Mozayik "the souls' poet"

The true story told in poetry. I am a Real and Raw Poet and Author of ”The Souls’ Poetry” my soul's true story of its’ journey to healing from the pain of childhood sexual trauma. I blog about my three-year commitment to therapy and what life is like before and after healing. Decreasing the stigma of mental illness, inspiring women to tell their stories, and leading women To and Through Therapy is my mission.

Fight, is My Middle Name

The Souls' Poet

I’ve fought all my life

Coming here backward was a glimpse of my fight

I did not turn around I came feet first

I was born fighting

There have been times when I didn’t want to fight

But because I am fight

I fought

Again and again

I fought

I have fought for rights

Fought for love

Fought for and with my words

I have fought old people with a challenge to the status quo

Saying we don’t have to do that anymore

I have fought for children that nobody wanted

There has been infighting

Out fighting with only two of us

I’ve kicked down doors with my fight

Been speaking my piece to gain peace with my fight

My fight has won tons of progress

I fight for the ones that don’t have any fight

They can count on me to fight

I stopped fighting one day

I tried…

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Healing Brings Good Memories

I know I have healed because I can remember the many great things I had as a child. I now have fond memories and they now cover up the bad memories. The good memories bring me joy, cause me to break out and smile while bringing happy tears to my eyes. A walk down memory lane is now filled with gratefulness. I don’t hesitate to walk down memory lane. It is a pleasant welcome experience. That is freedom.

I was raised by two great women my grandmother Mamie and my great grandmother Bertha. Cara my aunt also shared in raising. Tragically, I never saw them in a healthy relationship with men. However, I never heard them be mean to anyone. I did not overhear them plotting about revenge.
I saw them work together to accomplish goals like being homeowners. I saw them share with friends, family, and neighbors.

Healing has allowed me to see the glorious upbringing these women gave me. I am who I am because of them. I am kind-hearted because they were kind-hearted. I have a passion for helping people just like they taught me to be. I believe in order and setting boundaries like they taught me.
They also taught me to fight back, stand on my own two feet and don’t take no shit off nobody. Just as they taught me to pray and trust God. They also taught me to be ready to protect myself. I really saw no fear in them at all.

One man got rowdy with my grandmother when I was about eight or nine and she got her gun and run his ass out of the house. We never saw or heard from him again. I saw them have male friends but no live-in man. A man did not ever spend the night.
They worked and provided for themselves. I started working at eleven cleaning offices with my grandmother. They taught me by example and word that “If you don’t work, you don’t eat”.

They poured so much love into me. My great grandmother would hold me and rock me in her rocking chair while reading the bible to me. This has to be my fondest memory of her. I thank God that I can carry these memories with me in my heart every day. There is no more rain in this cloud. I found the silver lining. All the hard work has been worth it. #Healed

Mamie and Bertha in me

I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me

the image they continue to give me is one of possibility

these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break

a slight bend now and again

but never broken

I never saw them without what they needed

they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated

I am not afraid to break a sweat

so you have not even seen the best of me yet

I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,

she walked through this world on her own terms

she paid the price to decide

when to prop up her feet and die to flesh

this is who I am

my grandmother Mamie  did the same thing

you would always her saying

I will  die before I lose my independence

and she left this world on her own terms

this is where I come from

backs do not break

we walk on through

our souls help us decide what to do

like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa

even though they left her for dead

she has a mission

she will decide when it is time to go home

so I am going to be all right

this is where I come from

I have decided I have more work to do

more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home

I am going to lay my burdens  down

at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, Annie,

Essie and Margie’s feet

they are already free

and they are waiting for me to finish up this work

and come home and be free

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  3.11.13

 

my daughter’s words

Mama, thanks for always being my biggest supporter. Thanks for growing with me, always gently pushing, even when I get off track you’re still there, saying you can do this girl. No one has ever told me I’m phenomenal more than you. You are definitely my ride or die. I know I can be a bit bossy, controlling and difficult to deal with.

You have always shown me patience through love and honesty. I truly enjoy being around you. You are very special. This is why every child that has come from you, is extraordinarily smart, wise, and loving. All of that came with a price. All of your suffering and sacrifice has come with a cost.

Now you can be a beacon of light and love. You attract what you put out, love, happiness, and sunshine. You may not have heard any of your children say they wanted to be like you. But I do, I want my children and grandchildren to adore me, like yours. It’s your love that motivates us to be our best, you have only poured love into us, and I appreciate that more than anything in life.

Thank you for the tough love, because it made me stronger. Thank you for tender love, it has taught me patience, acceptance, and understanding.💓💋💋melisa💜

brokenness

Because we are broken we choose broken people who help us to perpetuate the brokenness to a multigenerational level.  We have been socialized and conditioned to withstand breaking.  It has been our normal for so long that we don’t even question the breaking.  We see it everywhere.  It is a part of our history.  We were determined to not break or at least not show our brokenness.

It is my brokenness that has made me whole. The tears in my soul are sewn with the golden thread of Grace. Beautiful scars honor my journey. Breaking open has allowed my soul to evolve to unconditional love for myself.

 

 

 

 

Soul Deep

There has always been something deep inside my soul that has kept me going.  Writing poetry allowed my soul to bleed, my soul spoke to me through the words on the pages.

Sometimes I run across something I’ve written long ago and I don’t remember pouring these words onto the paper.  It is usually profound, honest and deeply moving.

Most of my best poetry has been penned while tears rolled down my face.  When the ache in my heart can’t be expressed verbally or the pain is unbearable writing is the only release for the anguish.

I want to share the gifts I have been given.  Each poem expressed something that my mouth could not utter. Each poem a letting of the painful emotions buried for decades.  Words on a paper are safe, but it is time to share.

May every poem be a balm for another soul. needing to know they are not alone.  Hopefully just knowing that another soul made it over to the other side will encourage other women to start their journey to healing.

invisible w/depression

Wow, Thank God I recovered

I posted this on August 30, 2010.

all i do is sit in my room and cry

while the world passes me by

I’ve become invisible

out of sight out of mind

I’ve been robbed and cheated

out of what i thought my life would be

it is hard not to believe

that it is something i did

to make this horrible reality i now live

seems like the saying is true

nobody wants you

when you are down and out

they get tired of hearing

what your day has been about

the only conversation is about

pain, pain and more pain

so i suffer in silence

unseen because they don’t want

to hear the same

ole song i always sing

everybody has disappeared

to only be replaced by tears

my world is so small

only me, myself and pain

and the tears that fall like rain

mozayik 8/2010

30 days in, then, this

I wrote this letter exactly one month after moving in with an ex.

You promised to not yell at me. You promised I would be free to be me.  All this yelling is unnecessary when a simple reply would suffice. You threatened to lock me in the basement and called me stupid.  What am I to do with this new information about you. Your pride will cause you to lose. No need to be mean and although it hurt so bad I know your angry is not about me.  I’m trying hard not to take it personally, but I was afraid you were going to hit me. I needed to run for my safety even if you were not going to hit me.

Was all that necessary especially when you know my history? Are you not able to control your self and just say Yvette whatever leave me alone? Even when I try to own my mistake and let you know I am sorry pleading for forgiveness, you just let me deal with it alone.

You said you said you said …..you know I don’t deserve it, this has got to stop.  Your flying off the handle makes it hard to trust.  My life has taught me what happens when people are out of control.

I really cant believe this is happing we are too old, you blame me as if I can control you, if you don’t want to argue don’t argue, if you don’t want to fight don’t fight, if you don’t want yelling don’t yell, the way you express your anger or frustration is not appropriate for the situation, I just don’t know what to do with this information.

And don’t try to tell me that it is just me, this is how you have behaved with everybody,

I know this is not the total of who you are, but this one thing will drive us apart, two wrongs don’t make a right, and I don’t want to live my life with strife.  I want to run to find safety.  There will be arguments, but the hollering and screaming has got to cease, I love me too much to put up with that.  You or we are not children that throw temper tantrums, if you are not pleased just simply state it but not at one hundred degrees of aggressiveness.  You can’t blame your behavior on me that is your responsibility to act accordingly.   I see you have a pattern of blowing up on everybody not just me, but it needs to cease if we are to be prosperous and healthy to any degree.

I will not allow you to put the blame for your outbursts on me. Own your shit and fix it so we can move on. I am not perfect and if this is a problem for you and you want it to stop, your behavior is not helping us at all.

I don’t want the responsibility of controlling your behavior. I can only control myself. I will do my best and you know I will, but that shit has got to be chilled. Period, point, blank I am not your puppet master, act like it.

love, sex, and abuse

I kept recreating the scenario where they would leave because I pushed them away and then I could cry victim that they left. I wanted them to come back and love me the way I deserved.

Childhood Emotional Neglect sent me a powerful, subliminal message that my feelings didn’t matter.

I kept looking for the unconditional love that only a mother could give. Now I know though that even mothers can’t give that kind of love sometimes. That is the biggest myth of motherhood. All mothers don’t love their babies because some don’t know how. Some mothers know but lack the resources and support. I was pregnant at 16. I married at 17. I escaped that marriage at 18 with three children. By 19 I was depressed, dealing with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, neglect, and poverty. The only real support I had was my disabled grandmother.

We are designed to benefit from the experience of loving nurturing touch. If you don’t get that as a child, you will search everywhere to find it. I was sexualized and raped at 5, I believed sex was love.

I subconsciously chose situations that felt familiar to me. My toxic environment had shaped me. My mother’s violent relationships were what I was born into. The cycle was intrinsically wired into my brain. They would love each other one minute and the next they were fighting and then they would fuck. It was like that for her entire life.

Subconsciously this is all I knew about relationships. Studies have proven that the first 6 years of a child’s life is when they are the most impressionable. What children learn about the world during this time will be what is subconsciously their default. This is one reason I kept choosing the same people.

I was hoping for a different outcome with each lover but doing the same things I had been programmed to do over and over.

The marvelous thing about a brain is we can rewire it; we can create another default. That is what I am taking the time to do my next level of healing. I am not taking time to grieve over something that was not good for me. That is wasted energy. I see the issue and I understand the why, I know how to fix the issue.

Now my time will be spent being grateful for today. I survived. I have learned. There is some undoing that needs to be done but I am able.

I don’t need another project. No more goals will be set at this time. I just want to slow down and be with the love inside of me. I just want to sit and think about whatever pops into my head. I want to read the books I have on my TO Read LIST. I want to get lost in some sexy Fiction.

It is time for a reset. All my circuits will be busy just loving life and enjoying this big family that God gave to me. I have really accomplished a lot in my 50+ years on this earth. I measure my accomplishments by how many people’s lives have been affected in a positive way by anything I have shared about my healing journey.

As a little girl, I asked God to use me to help somebody so my living would not be in vain. It is time for Release.