Realizing my potential

Realizing my potential

Therapy has given me the power to control my emotions. It also gave me  the knowledge that I am not my feelings. The past no longer stops me from being consistent in pursuing my goals.

Without the constant interruptions of Depression, PTSD and the time spent regaining control I am able to realize my dreams of living in my purpose.

To those looking from the outside it may appear that I am slow,. I have been judged with people saying that I should be further along than I am, but they don’t know the struggle to get here in a place of peace. A place of trusting God and the God in me.

Nothing can stop me. Watch me Rise

It is worthy of repeat. 

It is worthy of repeat. 

RAW & REAL 

Therapy essentially taught me how to cope.  Because of childhood trauma and a dysfunctional environment I wasn’t taught healthy coping skills.  My therapist gave me practical things to do that were meant to develop new skills for coping.  I had to learn how to recognize habits that did not serve me well and replace them with tools that I would ultimately use for the rest of my life  Therapy was mostly about understanding self, figuring out how what happened to me affected me.  It was about unlearning, relearning and replacing unhealthy coping with healthy coping.  Awareness is just the beginning.  Practicing my new skills don’t come naturally I fall often to what is comfortable but I must say I am quick to recover.  I used to wallow in depression and self pity because I did not know any other way to be.  Thanks God for therapy.  #therapyworks

Graduation Pictures

Graduation Pictures

I moved to Phoenix Arizona in March of 2016. I found the Fresh Start Women’s Foundation .

I graduated from their Small Business Start Up Certificate Program on May 12th. Professors from Paradise Valley Community College sacrificed their time and energy to teach us every Saturday morning from 9:30-2:00. I did not miss one Saturday from September to May.

My book The Souls’ Poetry is the catalyst for my Business The Souls’ Poetry LLC where my mission is “To Lead Women in the LGBTQI community to commit to and complete therapy.”  The Souls’ Poetry

No one is talking about the violence that women do to other women in their relationships. I want to start the conversation about how to heal so that we have more healthy interactions.

I now have a GREAT Professional Business Plan. Next step of my strategy is to get licensed to do business. My focus will be to use writing and poetry workshops to help women to give voice to the pain endured from DV (domestic violence) and IPV (intimate partner violence) that may have resulted in PTSD. There is a severe lack of education behind the walls of shelters for domestic violence about PTSD. I want to use these workshops to get the information out there about the different types of abuse, provide resources and peer support. All of this takes money so pray for me that all will be provided.

The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world so my long term goal is to have an organization that supports Mothers that have mental illness.

My book is soon to be published. Anyone that has self published a book or started a small business understands the tedious process. I am encouraged because I am much closer now thanks to all of the support I have received mostly from women.

Life after therapy is wonderful. I never knew I could be so happy and accomplish so much. I’m not whole if my SisStar isn’t whole. Your healing is my healing. #GirlGetYouSomeHelp

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Healing does not equal “perfect” 

Have you ever fell down and cut your knee? Even if you were a child if the cut was deep I bet the scar is still there. Why is it then, that we expect someone healing from the effects of trauma to just get over it? Telling someone experiencing emotional pain how to heal is in the least arrogant. I pray that anyone that has lacked compassion for this healing journey will never be without sincere loving energy in their time of need. 

#healingiswork

Core Beliefs “dichotomies”

Thank God I am not my feelings.

I realized in therapy that one of my core beliefs was “I am not safe”. I am grateful for awareness and the ability to change that belief to “I am always protected by God’s Love. Always.

Cognitively I know that I am safe but if triggered I feel as if my life is at stake.  Before therapy I would run.  After therapy I can use my tools, like grounding, walking, talking, dancing or asking for help when all else fails.  Praying and going to church are the most effective when strongholds are at play.

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“crazy” woman talking (a personal trigger)

“crazy” woman talking (a personal trigger)

Calling someone crazy is the lowest of the low digs that an emotional antagonist uses to dismiss and discount someone with mental illness.  We with mental illness struggle to not feel, think, or appear crazy. It hurts worse when it comes from someone that has first hand knowledge of your struggle to overcome the stigma of mental illness.

Calling someone crazy is like throwing a dagger that lands in the middle of our heart and it stays there for days while we struggle to tell ourselves that we arenot crazy.

We are what happened to us.  We did not give ourselves P,T.S.D. or depression.

I have worked hard in therapy to undo what has been done unto me and to call me crazy invalidates every thing I have sacrificed to be make myself whole.

Calling me crazy triggers me to a place that is hard to return.  The spirits of the past are all too willing to remind me of what happened to me.  I have to fight to keep from falling into the deep hole of depression.

In the past it took me weeks, even months to return to a place of peace where I control the thoughts and images that enter my mind.  I mean, really?, do people really think  I enjoy this shit?  I isolate because I am bruised and cant stand for anyone to look at me feeling defeated.   I want to disappear and not have to deal with the exhaustion of fighting an invisible enemy.

Depression

I feel it licking at my heels

it pulls and laughs at me

challenging me

I have to dig deep

pull out what God has given me for this storm

God can you hear me

as I scream from the depth of my soul

no sound

bound

it is grabbing my ankles

its slithers up my legs

when it reaches my heart

I am full

I burst when it reaches my mind

I sling slander in my path

so you wont hinder my form of descent

into the pits of hell

depression says

sunshine blue skies seem so far a way

But God, when I reach my lowest

the light is waiting

it holds me

it consoles me

I breath in the energy

I need to make this reappearance sweet

I retreat

the light of love

heals me with relief

I remember

whose I am

free

breath

peace

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

A letter to survivors

The Souls' Poetry

If you had told me that I would I be living this free two years ago, I would not have believed you. Two years ago, events happened that triggered my healing. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a result of surviving childhood sexual abuse, abandonment, neglect, and rape before the age of five. Five is the age of the first rape memory at the hands of my mothers’ boyfriend.

Writing saved my life. Words were my saviors. This is why I am compelled to tell my story. I do not tell it to gain pity or fame. I tell it because I was born to tell it. So I tell. Everywhere I go I tell.

I want to tell my story of PTSD because most of us do not know what that looks like on an African American girl or woman. The number is many but until…

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