A letter to survivors
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
A letter to survivors
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
All six of my children have been detrimentally affected by the lies told, and their potential robbed by the rapists in our family. It is 2022 and more lies are being revealed.
My goal is to leave a record of the truth. I am determined that my linage will know the truth, I will continue to trust the guidance of my ancestors to lay a foundation that is built on the truth however brutal. There is still more to do. But the healing for our ancestors is continuing as we dig deeper and pull up the rotten roots to repair the damage.
I wrote this poem in January, 1999 for the brother we lost to alcoholism. He was 36. Now 2011 we could lose another brother to alcoholism. He just turned 37. They both drank for the same reasons but we pretend it is not happening. We are as Sick as our Secrets and ours are killing us.
I am grateful for the work I started in 2011 by committing to therapy. I am continuing with creating the family tree on ancestry and getting my DNA analyzed.
finally brother you can rest
in this world you no longer stay
we must accept that god
has taken you away
no longer do you plead for love
from a world grown cold
we did not get to see you grow old
but now you are free
you don’t have to hurt any more
finally brother you can rest
no need to cry or feel blue
one day we will join you
your soul has taken flight
you are smiling at the sight
of angels welcoming you
into peace, finally brother, rest
01/1999 by mozayik
Silence is deadly. We may be silent but our sick secrets are exposed for all to see. When a man drinks himself to death it is not happenstance. Some of us use drink, food, drugs or sex to abuse or addiction. It is self medicating to ease PAIN.
For the last week or so I have been contemplating why my family continues to pretend everything is okay. Another brother will be lost if we continue to sweep things under the rug. I feel so helpless to save him. I don’t think I can look anyone in the eyes again without saying “we have to stop this shit now”.
I want to ask my mother “How long will you continue to lie? How many of us have to die? Free us and tell the truth, please.”
I am tired of the superficial relationships. If we are not free to speak our truth in love then it is all a waste of time. There was a time when all I wanted was revenge. I was hurting, so I wanted the “perpetrators” to hurt. That position did not serve me well and the poison of anger was killing me. Once I sought my own healing I saw things differently.
My only motive now is to facilitate healing and stop others from being hurt.
Only LOVE can heal us. I realize that people have reasons why they do the things they do. The people who hurt us have been harmed by someone and the vicious cycle is repeated over and over because of silence. I am telling my story. I refuse to be quiet.
Karma is not a bitch. Karma is sweet. Karma is fair.
She will give you what you deserve.
About your feelings she doesn’t care.
She will pay you in love.
If that is what you reap.
Sowing seeds of love and positivity
will keep you out of the path of Karma’s negative proclivity.
Karma will be your friend, until you make her your enemy.
Whether you acknowledge her or not
she will bite that ass no doubt.
It is an absolute guarantee.
See, me and Karma go way back,
to a time when I did not know
I finally woke up when my love debt was past due.
I had burned too many bridges,
so, a reckoning with Karma I had to do.
That changed my views.
Everyone will get what they are due,
no matter your hue.
I love every day my very best.
I am reaping love in abundance, cause I let go of judgments.
No more right or wrong.
I am living the moments of my life’s song.
I have created a life in love for myself.
My journey is filled with valley blessings.
I am receiving my wealth in love that Karma has dispensed.
by Mozayik “the souls’ poet” © 61917
Some have asked, “Yvette why did you do it?”
My answer, I did it because I wanted to.
I did it because it needed to be done.
Somebody had to do it.
F that mess about keeping our business in our house.
That is precisely why I did it,
it was time out for letting abusers get away with it.
It was time out for others controlling the narrative about my life.
It had to be done.
Why should I have walked around in shame?
Why should I have hidden the marks placed on my body
by someone that said they loved me?
Why should I have worn long sleeves so I would not be ashamed
when people asked how that happened?
Was I supposed to walk around in secrecy
trying to cover up your indecency?
Hell no, I did it because it had to be done.
It was time out for people getting away with hurting me.
I did it for all the girls and boys that went to sleep weeping
because they could not speak their truth.
I did it so you would suffer the shame that you threw.
I threw it back at you
and all those that thought they got away with hurting others.
I did it so you would get help,
or crawl into a hole and leave us good people alone.
Be gone or get some help.
I did it because I needed to be sure we were through.
I did it because I wanted to.
The same way you wanted to hurt me.
But I was not trying to hurt.
I did it so a way could be paved.
So someone would have courage to do what I did
I bet you thought this was about you.
Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
MAKE A CHOICE TODAY TO BELIEVE IN YOU
Give in to the belief that you are unique
with talents and gifts all your own
No one can do it like you
No one but you can make your dream come true
Whatever mistakes we make are only a tool
To purge and cut to help make us rule
Better we learn from them and move on
Don’t wallow in self pity and doubt
Use your errors as a spring board to break out
Bounce back to the positive
Give in to the belief that you are someone special
Grab it, take hold of it and don’t let it go
Speak it, Chant it, Pray it,
Say it until you’ve convinced your own soul
You are SOMEBODY for the world to behold
I had a panic attack. I was afraid to leave my apartment. I cried, I prayed and I grabbed my box cutter, mace, gloves, mask and sanitizing wipes. I reminded myself that “I AM NOT MY FEELINGS” I went out and got my medicine because no one was coming to save me. I prayed that I would not be stopped by the police because they may not understand that I had to take the weapons to protect myself. They may think that I mean to harm them or they may use it as an excuse to kill me. All kinds of thoughts run through your head when you are a black woman living alone with ptsd.
I look back on 2020 and know that it was God that I held on to me, otherwise I never would have made it. I would have lost my mind, y’all know the rest of the song.
Thank God for therapy or else I probably would have just lay there and kept crying. This pandemic, the isolation, losing people that I love, and living alone with the constant uncertainty is starting to get to me. I am just keeping it real.
Crying helped me to release my emotions because I know that I am not my feelings so the sooner I face the fear and let it go the better.
BUT, I am exhausted from the unrelenting battle with fear. I am not paranoid. I have valid reasons to be afraid to step outside my front door. I was brutally beaten in the streets in July. I saw the man in my neighborhood again and he recognized me.
I came here to live because I was fleeing a domestically violent partner. I was unemployed and living in my daughters basement. They were the first people to give me a lease. I figured I would get in and get out but I had no idea what was about to happen.
I have been trying to move but the manager where I live is a Narcissistic a-hole that has it in for me because I wanted to start a tenant associations to address the horrific conditions she expects people to live in.
One example is allowing raw sewage to run through the parking lot while people walked through it and took it back into the buildings during the Coronavirus Pandemic. I reported it and forced her hand with other things so every time I apply somewhere else she lies and says that I have bogus lease violations. It is a very long story.
I have a good job and I don’t want to live here anymore but she thinks she is making good on her threat that if I sue her “I wont have any place to live.” God is still in control though especially since I have done nothing wrong by trying to help improve our living conditions.
I know that I am not the only one going through things. I am just telling my little story. I am tired of Covid-19, tired of racism, tired of white people not getting, that, WE BEEN TIRED. Tired of fighting for the basic right to feel like I matter.
We are supposed to be celebrating the legacy of Dr. King but now we live in a world where Hatred is at an all-time high. It is all very disheartening. I know I will survive. I always do, but I need a f***ing break.
flash back to the past
reliving as child
even if abnormal
sometimes alone is safer but inflicts more pain
and the cycle repeats again and again
looking for rescue
anybody will do
just so i can make you love me
so, I can make true
nobody loves me
isn’t that what you did to me
because it was done to you
so, we are stuck in this maze of abuse
today though, I’m really freaking tired of everyday being about you
I’m still running away while clinging to you
I don’t know how to separate me from you
yvette mozayik circa 2017
this poem fell onto the paper like most
you had to learn that life is not fair
play by the unjust rules or lose
they set you up just to tear you down
whatever goes around comes around
there are some things we can’t change
some things we cannot manipulate
try as we may
there really is a thing called fate
destiny if you believe
the universe is under God’s control
take a minute to think about it
the earth keeps turning
the sun forever shines
the moon revolves around us
and birds always chirp
summer comes, winter goes
trees bud each and every spring
it rains when the heavens declare it should
nothing we can do to stop it
if we could just trust in the universal laws
the world keeps turning but we don’t fall
plant a seed deep in the ground and watch it grow
from a tiny seed to a mighty tree
stop, think about it for a minute
if we would just believe
it’s hard when all around us we see injustice
every day they try to take our dignity
but you are in control ultimately
of what you let them plant in your soul
take the good, plant it in you
can’t find it out there in the world
find it in yourself
nurture goodness and peace
it will grow inside your soul
you really do reap what you sow
tell them go ahead hate me
because I believe in justice and equality
but one day just like a seed
I’ll grow into a mighty tree
I’ll be a power to be reckoned with
I held onto what I believed
I didn’t let you plant your seeds of negativity in me
I became responsible made good choices
held on steadfastly to the belief that
what I put out there is what I’ll receive
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 1997
for Melisa when things were hard
2 Timothy 1:7 KJV
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
I am no longer comfortable using the word fear or the word afraid. The other day I told my daughter that I was not coming out because I was afraid of coming out after dark. Fear feeds anxiety.
Because I have been given a sound mind and because of the love I have for my own wellbeing I am empowered by the spirit of god that lives in me to make a wise decision and protect myself. There are many rational reasons why it is not wise for me an African American Woman to go out alone in the dark during these unprecedented times.
From now on I will to be focused on the fact that because of the spirit of God that lives in me I do not have to fear anything.
Fear is illusion. Trusting God requires fearlessness.
I feel compelled to share this. When I was 16 I had Agoraphobia. I could not even open my front door and step less than 4 feet to get the mail out of the mailbox. I understand now that Agoraphobia is what was going on. I don’t know how I overcame it but I do remember doing some breathing and meditation techniques I learned from a psychology book I had checked out of the school library.
This is why I say that our soul knows what we need to heal.
I don’t believe that I am any different than anyone else. I believe we all have it within us to thrive. But, just in case I was called out to learn so that I can teach. I am sharing this with you in hopes there is someone that needs this information, You can heal, you can transcend the pain. It sucks that you have to do it and sometimes you have to do it alone but God is always with you. In your soul are all the answers.
Lately, I have had a very hard time leaving my apartment. This Pandemic, the politics of the pandemic, the protests, the continuous news loops of people that look like me being murdered in cold blood, the politics, and again the politics has been going on for so long. I will be 60 soon and I have seen it all before. There is something different this time.
I am a baby boomer so it is a beautiful sight to see our grandchildren leading the way to justice for all.
There are no instructions as to how to navigate through this except the most simplistic of all and that is the basics of washing hands, staying at least 6 away, and wear a mask. We all are finding a new normal.
I plan to make it out alive and thriving.
God is the source and strength of my life. God removes all pain, misery, and strife. God promised to keep me and never leave me. God has always been my provider, my way maker, and my comfort.
Be encouraged whoever you are that needed to know that this too shall pass and God got you just like all the times before.