A letter to survivors
https://thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
— Read on thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
I’ve fought all my life
Coming here backward after 64 hours of labor
was a glimpse of my fight
I came feet first
I was born fighting
There have been times when I didn’t want to fight
But because I am fight
I fought
Again, and again
I fought
I have fought for rights
Fought for love
Fought for and with my words
I have fought for children that nobody wanted
There has been infighting
Out fighting with only two of us
I’ve kicked down doors with my fight
Been speaking my piece to gain peace with my fight
My fight has won tons of progress
I fight for the ones that don’t have any fight
They can count on me to fight
I stopped fighting one day
I tried to keep the fight at bay
It did not work
God called me to fight
so, I fought again once more
I fought the professor along with the university,
making them see my invisible disability
I have fought directors, presidents, public officials,
doctors, lawyers, even religious individuals
Shit, I have fought anybody telling me no
Growing up all I saw was fight
Fight to smile
Fight to keep the tears away
Save those tears to fuel the fight another day
I am going to keep on fighting
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
2.21.19
Karma is not a bitch. Karma is sweet. Karma is fair.
She will give you what you deserve.
About your feelings she doesn’t care.
She will pay you in love.
If that is what you reap.
Sowing seeds of love and positivity
will keep you out of the path of Karma’s negative proclivity.
Karma will be your friend, until you make her your enemy.
Whether you acknowledge her or not
she will bite that ass no doubt.
It is an absolute guarantee.
See, me and Karma go way back,
to a time when I did not know
or respect
her affect.
I finally woke up when my love debt was past due.
I had burned too many bridges,
so, a reckoning with Karma I had to do.
That changed my views.
Everyone will get what they are due,
no matter your hue.
Now?
I love every day my very best.
I am reaping love in abundance, cause I let go of judgments.
No more right or wrong.
I am living the moments of my life’s song.
I have created a life in love for myself.
Now?
My journey is filled with valley blessings.
I am receiving my wealth in love that Karma has dispensed.
by Mozayik “the souls’ poet” © 61917
Some have asked, “Yvette why did you do it?”
My answer, I did it because I wanted to.
I did it because it needed to be done.
Somebody had to do it.
F that mess about keeping our business in our house.
That is precisely why I did it,
it was time out for letting abusers get away with it.
It was time out for others controlling the narrative about my life.
It had to be done.
Why should I have walked around in shame?
Why should I have hidden the marks placed on my body
by someone that said they loved me?
Why should I have worn long sleeves so I would not be ashamed
when people asked how that happened?
Was I supposed to walk around in secrecy
trying to cover up your indecency?
Hell no, I did it because it had to be done.
It was time out for people getting away with hurting me.
I did it for all the girls and boys that went to sleep weeping
because they could not speak their truth.
I did it so you would suffer the shame that you threw.
I threw it back at you
and all those that thought they got away with hurting others.
I did it so you would get help,
or crawl into a hole and leave us good people alone.
Be gone or get some help.
I did it because I needed to be sure we were through.
I did it because I wanted to.
The same way you wanted to hurt me.
But I was not trying to hurt.
I did it so a way could be paved.
So someone would have courage to do what I did
I bet you thought this was about you.
Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
5.2.2021.12.29a
you had to learn that life is not fair
play by the unjust rules or lose
they set you up just to tear you down
whatever goes around comes around
there are some things we can’t change
some things we cannot manipulate
try as we may
there really is a thing called fate
destiny if you believe
the universe is under God’s control
take a minute to think about it
the earth keeps turning
the sun forever shines
the moon revolves around us
and birds always chirp
summer comes, winter goes
trees bud each and every spring
it rains when the heavens declare it should
nothing we can do to stop it
if we could just trust in the universal laws
the world keeps turning but we don’t fall
plant a seed deep in the ground and watch it grow
from a tiny seed to a mighty tree
stop, think about it for a minute
if we would just believe
it’s hard when all around us we see injustice
every day they try to take our dignity
but you are in control ultimately
of what you let them plant in your soul
take the good, plant it in you
can’t find it out there in the world
find it in yourself
nurture goodness and peace
it will grow inside your soul
you really do reap what you sow
tell them go ahead hate me
because I believe in justice and equality
but one day just like a seed
I’ll grow into a mighty tree
I’ll be a power to be reckoned with
I held onto what I believed
I didn’t let you plant your seeds of negativity in me
I became responsible made good choices
held on steadfastly to the belief that
what I put out there is what I’ll receive
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 1997
for Melisa when things were hard
2 Timothy 1:7 KJV
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
I am no longer comfortable using the word fear or the word afraid. The other day I told my daughter that I was not coming out because I was afraid of coming out after dark. Fear feeds anxiety.
Because I have been given a sound mind and because of the love I have for my own wellbeing I am empowered by the spirit of god that lives in me to make a wise decision and protect myself. There are many rational reasons why it is not wise for me an African American Woman to go out alone in the dark during these unprecedented times.
From now on I will to be focused on the fact that because of the spirit of God that lives in me I do not have to fear anything.
Fear is illusion. Trusting God requires fearlessness.
#INeededThatLesson
I feel compelled to share this. When I was 16 I had Agoraphobia. I could not even open my front door and step less than 4 feet to get the mail out of the mailbox. I understand now that Agoraphobia is what was going on. I don’t know how I overcame it but I do remember doing some breathing and meditation techniques I learned from a psychology book I had checked out of the school library.
This is why I say that our soul knows what we need to heal.
I don’t believe that I am any different than anyone else. I believe we all have it within us to thrive. But, just in case I was called out to learn so that I can teach. I am sharing this with you in hopes there is someone that needs this information, You can heal, you can transcend the pain. It sucks that you have to do it and sometimes you have to do it alone but God is always with you. In your soul are all the answers.
Lately, I have had a very hard time leaving my apartment. This Pandemic, the politics of the pandemic, the protests, the continuous news loops of people that look like me being murdered in cold blood, the politics, and again the politics has been going on for so long. I will be 60 soon and I have seen it all before. There is something different this time.
I am a baby boomer so it is a beautiful sight to see our grandchildren leading the way to justice for all.
There are no instructions as to how to navigate through this except the most simplistic of all and that is the basics of washing hands, staying at least 6 away, and wear a mask. We all are finding a new normal.
I plan to make it out alive and thriving.
God is the source and strength of my life. God removes all pain, misery, and strife. God promised to keep me and never leave me. God has always been my provider, my way maker, and my comfort.
Be encouraged whoever you are that needed to know that this too shall pass and God got you just like all the times before.
🙌🦋👑#GirlGotSomeHelp #MeAndGodWeGotThis
I had a core belief that I did not deserve to be treated well. Of course, this is an expected response to abandonment, neglect, rape, and abuse. How else was my psyche able to allow this assault on my person, on my innocent soul?
It killed my healthy self-image. Convinced me that, I, the victim deserved this because I was bad and nobody cared. I had been programmed to expect to be traumatized.
I was guilty of not being enough. I was guilty of everything that had ever happened to me. I was guilty of ruining everybody’s life. I was fucking guilty if I did not buy the right toothpaste.
guilty felt normal
grandma said my mother did not want me
so I was guilty of being a burden
guilty of being unwanted
guilty of needing love
guilty of not adequately paying the debt I owed
for never being enough no matter how hard I tried
mother said I was crazy cause Mamie j raised me
after she abandoned me
it was my grandmothers fault for doing
what my mother did not
I was not enough to be kept
I was not enough for her to love me unconditionally
so I kept running into the arms that made me
feel like my mother
so I could one day be enough for her to love me
but just like my mother
they abused and abandoned
they were narcissistic just like she
but that was then
now my boundaries abound
I see the truth of who I am
I no longer need trauma bonding
my trauma brain synapses are rewired
the holes in my soul are filled with self-love
by mozayik thesoulspoet.com
5.5.2020.1.33p
Healing is amazing. The man that raped me at 5 was named George. Before therapy anytime I heard the name George I would immediately be transported in my mind to him raping me. So I avoided George at all times. If I overheard the name I had to put my armor on. Without even knowing it that name had the power to send me to my bed for days.
Where I work the Fitness Instructor’s name is George. We were in an African performing arts group in the late ’90s together but I knew him by another name then.
I do believe that my steps are divinely ordered. I believe this situation was tailor-made for me. When I first heard his name I did not run home to my bed. I don’t even think I recognized it as a past trigger.
Because he worked there his name was called out frequently. I would sometimes give George a ride home. On one occasion he asked me to take him to Walmart and then we would go to lunch, his treat. Well, the place “he” had chosen objectified women. I felt uncomfortable because of the staff’s attire. Most people’s bra and panties have more coverage than these young women were wearing.
He started going on about someone he knew really liked asses. I stopped him mid-story and told him that I did not objectify women. After that, I had to set some clear boundaries with George. The women at work say he was testing me. I stopped being chummy with him.
George had a stroke. Every day now his name is called out by people asking how he is doing. I am the person at the front desk. I am usually the one giving an update about his progress.
The George that raped me at five is dead to me now.
I have become desensitized to that name. Flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance caused by George are a thing of the past.
This is what healing feels like.
The George that raped me at 5 was murdered in prison. I don’t know this to be true but my memory is that my Father got the word out that he had raped his little girl and they killed him.
Before therapy, he was still alive for me. I wanted to kill him so badly. I thought that it was unfair that he was dead. I was angry because I could not make him suffer.
As I write this I take deep breaths and release any residual energy still tied to that event in my life. I made it to the promised land of happiness.
Ding Dong George is Dead, Finally.
someone walks into the room quietly and i jump
the startle reflex is the dominant symptom of the day
that was yesterday
today
i hyperventilate as i drive back home
i saw a man walking in the dark around our doors
I am triggered by this, i am tired, i have not slept
i am trying to put fear back on the shelf
understanding is far and i am just a complaint
my body hurts, i have struggled with chores
while trying to take care of my health
if i try to explain how i have felt
it is always and never
go back to your happy place self
the throw away is imminently dealt
the rejection, the judgment because i am myself
could i just not be me
i struggle with accepting me the way i are
i am scarred
i am scarred
i may even be broken but
most of the time i am just angry
about the battle days with fear
gripping me tight choking out safe light
i must fight to let it go
i must tell my mind that this is not then
and it is not happening again like before
so many befores’
so many befores’
sometimes they come rushing out the doors of my soul
in a second
a simple moment
i could lose control
i could stumble down the dark hole of ptsd
hypervigilance, easily startled, just fucking afraid of everything
it affects my breathing, my being
at least after therapy
i know what is happening to me
i can use my breath to regain free
i can breathe to release my body from this memory
my soul reminds me of who i am and the awesome power to live is me
in a single moment
i breath
shutting the door to the past
accepting me
even if no one else gets it
i still must love and live with myself
my superpower is the unconditional love that resides in me
fear is not really a factor
God lives in me
bring it on fear
i only need to breathe
to be free
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
4.9.2019 716a
The Souls' Poet 