A letter to survivors
https://thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
— Read on thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
Karma is not a bitch. Karma is sweet. Karma is fair.
She will give you what you deserve.
About your feelings she doesn’t care.
She will pay you in love.
If that is what you reap.
Sowing seeds of love and positivity
will keep you out of the path of Karma’s negative proclivity.
Karma will be your friend, until you make her your enemy.
Whether you acknowledge her or not
she will bite that ass no doubt.
It is an absolute guarantee.
See, me and Karma go way back,
to a time when I did not know
or respect
her affect.
I finally woke up when my love debt was past due.
I had burned too many bridges,
so, a reckoning with Karma I had to do.
That changed my views.
Everyone will get what they are due,
no matter your hue.
Now?
I love every day my very best.
I am reaping love in abundance, cause I let go of judgments.
No more right or wrong.
I am living the moments of my life’s song.
I have created a life in love for myself.
Now?
My journey is filled with valley blessings.
I am receiving my wealth in love that Karma has dispensed.
by Mozayik “the souls’ poet” © 61917
MAKE A CHOICE TODAY TO BELIEVE IN YOU
Give in to the belief that you are unique
with talents and gifts all your own
No one can do it like you
No one but you can make your dream come true
Whatever mistakes we make are only a tool
To purge and cut to help make us rule
Better we learn from them and move on
Don’t wallow in self pity and doubt
Use your errors as a spring board to break out
Bounce back to the positive
Give in to the belief that you are someone special
Grab it, take hold of it and don’t let it go
Speak it, Chant it, Pray it,
Say it until you’ve convinced your own soul
You are SOMEBODY for the world to behold
I had a core belief that I did not deserve to be treated well. Of course, this is an expected response to abandonment, neglect, rape, and abuse. How else was my psyche able to allow this assault on my person, on my innocent soul?
It killed my healthy self-image. Convinced me that, I, the victim deserved this because I was bad and nobody cared. I had been programmed to expect to be traumatized.
I was guilty of not being enough. I was guilty of everything that had ever happened to me. I was guilty of ruining everybody’s life. I was fucking guilty if I did not buy the right toothpaste.
guilty felt normal
grandma said my mother did not want me
so I was guilty of being a burden
guilty of being unwanted
guilty of needing love
guilty of not adequately paying the debt I owed
for never being enough no matter how hard I tried
mother said I was crazy cause Mamie j raised me
after she abandoned me
it was my grandmothers fault for doing
what my mother did not
I was not enough to be kept
I was not enough for her to love me unconditionally
so I kept running into the arms that made me
feel like my mother
so I could one day be enough for her to love me
but just like my mother
they abused and abandoned
they were narcissistic just like she
but that was then
now my boundaries abound
I see the truth of who I am
I no longer need trauma bonding
my trauma brain synapses are rewired
the holes in my soul are filled with self-love
by mozayik thesoulspoet.com
5.5.2020.1.33p
I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me
the image they continue to give me is one of possibility
these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break
a slight bend now and again
but never broken
I never saw them without what they needed
they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated
I am not afraid to break a sweat
so you have not even seen the best of me yet
I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,
she walked through this world on her own terms
she paid the price to decide
when to prop up her feet and die to flesh
this is who I am
my grandmother Mamie did the same thing
you would always her saying
I will die before I lose my independence
and she left this world on her own terms
this is where I come from
backs do not break
we walk on through
our souls help us decide what to do
like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa
even though they left her for dead
she has a mission
she will decide when it is time to go home
so I am going to be all right
this is where I come from
I have decided I have more work to do
more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home
I am going to lay my burdens down
at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, Annie,
Essie and Margie’s feet
they are already free
and they are waiting for me to finish up this work
and come home and be free
by mozayik “the souls’ poet” 3.11.13
Because we are broken we choose broken people who help us to perpetuate the brokenness to a multigenerational level. We have been socialized and conditioned to withstand breaking. It has been our normal for so long that we don’t even question the breaking. We see it everywhere. It is a part of our history. We were determined to not break or at least not show our brokenness.
It is my brokenness that has made me whole. The tears in my soul are sewn with the golden thread of Grace. Beautiful scars honor my journey. Breaking open has allowed my soul to evolve to unconditional love for myself.
I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.
That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.
My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.
With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.
Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.
I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.
I am enough for me.
it is a sad commentary that our love would end like this
you may not feel anything or don’t even care
my heart is breaking cause
i know this time i don’t have any more love to give you
so you can throw it back in my face
discard me like gum on the bottom of your shoe
i have always been there for you
rescuing, rescuing and rescuing you over and over
only for you to discard, devalue me
i am stronger than your bullying
i know i have been a good woman to you
both of us know i don’t deserve for you
to shut down and treat me as if i am a bothering irritation
i don’t have any more
i hurt
i have hurt
i give
i have given
been there and gave whatever was needed for our life
i wanted to be your wife
you said we would be together forever
i believed we could make it or else
i would not have come back
but your mistreatment has for the last time
driven me out of the door
all of your excuses don’t mean shit to me anymore
burned all my bridges running back and forth to you
but god got me
i will be alright
will you?
because you will miss me deeply
someone and i hate to say this but it is true,
will treat you worse than you did me
i don’t wish that for you
but you can’t miss the reaping you must do
i will pray for you
we could have ended better
we should have been better than this
why would i stay where i am not wanted
i don’t know how i am going to make it
but i know god knows that i deserve better
i hope better for you
but i am through
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
Positive Funk
is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song
you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this funky place you be
but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up
you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you
it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the negative emotions
but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose
positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways
positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley
this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you
you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
It is very humbling when sitting with the consequences of choices made. I have really been wrestling with some stuff that was really starting to win the battle to take me under.
If I am acting weird that means I need you.
I know that when we have a family member that we don’t understand it can be hard to love them. Sometimes our loved ones may act strange. Similar to what I have been going through, I had so much anxiety that it was literally consuming me.
Truth has a bitter sting.
I am feeling better having accepted some hard truths. I was guilt-tripping myself so badly, I was whipping my own ass. I really was not comfortable in my own skin because I was dealing with shame. In order to be truly free of baggage, garbage or just some negative stuff, that was haunting me, I had to face it head-on. I am so very grateful that I never felt that God had left me or that I would not be delivered.
I was dealing with some depression, but I knew it was situational, it was hard. Growth hurts and if somebody says they grew and didn’t shed some tears or feel any emotional pain and probably some physical pain, they are lying and the truth ain’t in them as my grandmother would say.
I thank God for my free therapy. I thank God for all of the people that have poured into me as I struggled with my truths.
I wanted to run and yes it was overwhelming at times, but I trust the process and I tapped into my support system. I came out on the other side better able to reclaim my freedom.
Look y’all I am passionate about mental illness, mental health, and intimate partner violence as well as childhood sexual trauma because I struggle every day with these issues. PTSD is no joke and part of it is anxiety and depression. I believe we are slowing waking up to the importance of the mind being healthy. We are starting to see the mind-body connection and that everything really is everything. I am grateful for the education I have received through therapy and my own curious passion. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has used and will continue to use me to save lives by telling my truth so that they can be encouraged to heal.
I was so very angry at myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. But where is the lesson if I did not stop and acknowledge that the truth is, I still have some more healing to do.
The shame, disappointment, and fear of losing the image I had of myself was being challenged and I was seeing the places that needed some light and love. I had to do it with just me and God. I had to have that positive funk experience.
Once I saw the silver lining, I was good. I had my ah-ha sigh of relief. Once I gleaned something that increases my understanding of myself and others, it is time for celebration. I Celebrate that I did make it over to the other side of depression. I did cope with anxiety. With help from my friends, and family, even my Facebook, Instagram and my blog flowers support me with good energy and encouraging words.
My longtime friends keep me grounded with the truth. I don’t want to go through that again. It had been years since I have felt depressed. The whole time in Phoenix I did not get depressed but I did have some anxiety, but the sunshine and blue skies were right outside my door and art, music and education were everywhere. God provided my every need in a City where I really didn’t know anyone. But it was time to take another layer off the onion of healing. So I was led to come home and I am so happy that I did. I have no regrets.
I heal out loud so that other women don’t have to die by silence.
I dwell in Truth’s freedom.
Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 9.5.19.12.02
The Souls' Poet 