Category: Family

love, sex, and abuse

I kept recreating the scenario where they would leave because I pushed them away and then I could cry victim that they left. I wanted them to come back and love me the way I deserved.

Childhood Emotional Neglect sent me a powerful, subliminal message that my feelings didn’t matter.

I kept looking for the unconditional love that only a mother could give. Now I know though that even mothers can’t give that kind of love sometimes. That is the biggest myth of motherhood. All mothers don’t love their babies because some don’t know how. Some mothers know but lack the resources and support. I was pregnant at 16. I married at 17. I escaped that marriage at 18 with three children. By 19 I was depressed, dealing with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, neglect, and poverty. The only real support I had was my disabled grandmother.

We are designed to benefit from the experience of loving nurturing touch. If you don’t get that as a child, you will search everywhere to find it. I was sexualized and raped at 5, I believed sex was love.

I subconsciously chose situations that felt familiar to me. My toxic environment had shaped me. My mother’s violent relationships were what I was born into. The cycle was intrinsically wired into my brain. They would love each other one minute and the next they were fighting and then they would fuck. It was like that for her entire life.

Subconsciously this is all I knew about relationships. Studies have proven that the first 6 years of a child’s life is when they are the most impressionable. What children learn about the world during this time will be what is subconsciously their default. This is one reason I kept choosing the same people.

I was hoping for a different outcome with each lover but doing the same things I had been programmed to do over and over.

The marvelous thing about a brain is we can rewire it; we can create another default. That is what I am taking the time to do my next level of healing. I am not taking time to grieve over something that was not good for me. That is wasted energy. I see the issue and I understand the why, I know how to fix the issue.

Now my time will be spent being grateful for today. I survived. I have learned. There is some undoing that needs to be done but I am able.

I don’t need another project. No more goals will be set at this time. I just want to slow down and be with the love inside of me. I just want to sit and think about whatever pops into my head. I want to read the books I have on my TO Read LIST. I want to get lost in some sexy Fiction.

It is time for a reset. All my circuits will be busy just loving life and enjoying this big family that God gave to me. I have really accomplished a lot in my 50+ years on this earth. I measure my accomplishments by how many people’s lives have been affected in a positive way by anything I have shared about my healing journey.

As a little girl, I asked God to use me to help somebody so my living would not be in vain. It is time for Release.

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to the next lover, she grew up

I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.

That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.

My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.

With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.

Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.

I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.

I am enough for me.

Undo to Heal

Therapy was really good yesterday, my understanding of abandonment has grown. Children will seek approval of their parents even if the parent was abusive. It is just the nature of childhood.

I was abandoned by my mother at six and suffered severe neglect and rape.

I have been recreating the scenario of abandonment over and over subconsciously hoping for a different outcome. Hoping she would finally show up and give the unconditional love I deserved. I have been choosing partners just like my mother.  Ones that would leave or abuse.  My core belief has been that people will leave you, people will hurt you and not have any conscious about it.

It was always my fault that she is a bad person. My mother never admitted to what happened to me. I was a liar, a bad seed. It was not that bad, even though I was home alone, dirty and had no clean clothes or nothing to eat. My uncle had to break a window to get me out of the roach-infested apartment. I don’t know where my mother was.

My aunt had to scrub the dirt off my body.

This was a very hard truth to accept. My mother is dead and I wanted her to stay dead. But if I truly want to heal, at last, I had to look at her and what happened to me on her watch. I have long ago forgiven her.  I loved my mother. but that did not erase what happened and how it affected me.

The undo had to happen.

I understand now that until the pain of abandonment, neglect, and abuse are processed and the root of bitterness is excavated I will keep seeking approval from the abuser. I am grateful for all of my experiences. I look for the silver lining in every situation. I want my pain to serve a purpose. I need my pain to be the catalyst for someone else’s healing. I don’t want my living to be in vain, so I share this journey in hopes that others won’t wait until 50 to heal. I pray that healing comes soon and swiftly for all that are hurting.

I am calling this the season of my next level healing. I could be embarrassed about doing this healing process at 58. I choose instead to appreciate that at least I got it and I am literally destroying the trauma cycle for my entire family for generations to come. The work I do in therapy may not be appreciated by my children or grandchildren and that is okay. God knows the sacrifice. God knows my heart that wants to protect them 

It is all starting to make sense to me now. Therapy has helped explain why I have been doing the same thing over and over even until my detriment. Our subconscious mind is so powerful that we do things mindlessly. We are unaware until we have the courage to face the truth about ourselves and those that have hurt us we will not heal. 

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp♥️

NO, and NO I am not alone.

Whew! I am one of those people. The kind that starts immediately looking for the lesson in the situation so it can be over with and I can move on in this journey of healing.

I lost it today as someone stood at the end of my bed. belittling me and talking to me as if I were a child. I forgive myself for giving her another chance. She called and said what I wanted to hear and boom, right back to the same ole same ole dysfunction.  I asked for my possession and she refused to give it to me and I admit it. I lost it. I lunged at her from my hospital bed trying to get my car keys. she refused to give them to me so I got out of my bed and ran down the hospital hallway to get my keys. I got them too, but not without much embarrassment.

I learned that I do have a breaking point. We all do, but staying away from people that bring out the worst in me is the top priority. I am a force now because as I said, lessons are the most important. I really believe life is going to be filled with nothing but positivity. People that play with your mind are dangerous.

I am sorry for taking my family and friends with me on this journey to love. We don’t usually consider how our choices affect our loved ones that have witnessed you suffer needlessly. Healing is a process. Most women go back to an abuser 7 times before actually leaving and staying gone. I will talk more about that in upcoming blog posts.

I did not get real with therapy until I was 50 years old when I found myself cowered in the corner of my bedroom having flashbacks of when I was left home alone at 5. So this 8 year journey has been an education if nothing else. There have been gaps along the way but it has been probably a good 5 of those 8 were spent in therapy.

It became my mission to free myself and destroy patterns and pathologies in the family tree so that “we can rock the future generations without dysfunction”.

So anyway, let me get back to the point. I learned a lot about myself with these last, ugh, few uh, well let us call them revelations.

I learned that I was still co-dependent. I saw it from a different perspective by listening to my dear friend even though we have not ever met in person, Sherry Dickerson. She talked about needing to be needed was classic co-dependency.

I kinda sorta knew that but the way she put it just made all the circuits of codependency go off in my brain.

Finally, I really get it.

I will always go to therapy when things come up that I need support with, the best place to go is to a Mental Health Professional. That can not only listen and validate your feelings but will also give you tools to use while you heal.

I learned that I have been telling myself a lie about being alone.

My son and his wife and my grandson came to see me at the hospital. I did not call him and I should have. I did not want to bother him. That is that old tape playing in my head from childhood that says he is too busy to be bothered with me.

Let me say that none of my children have ever made feel bad about asking for help. I just don’t ask that is my issue. I see that and it does not serve my highest good to not allow my children to be there for me. It is a blessing for both parent and child when our children bless us with their care and concern.

My daughter checked on me throughout the evening and day.

Another son contacted to make sure I was okay.

I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of Facebook friends that prayed with and for me.

I have a great support system. My girlfriends have my back. These are friends from way back 30 or 40 years or more.

No matter what, even if they have to tell me I am wrong, they will still support whatever I decide to do with my life.

NO, and NO I am not alone. God is with me, and in me so I will always have love. I will not be dying alone. that is a lie from hellacious energy cause hell is right here on earth.

I learned how to let go. I am a Cancer so that is a hard one for me. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not stupid. I am kind. But when I realized that I can not trust you, and sometimes it takes me a long time because I have issues, but, baby, you get no more of my goodness. So I am working on keeping my goodies for the one that will appreciate them. I may have already overlooked her but I wasn’t ready. After all of the drama of the last few months, I am still not ready. That is a great place to be.

I learned that I am poised for greatness.

I also learned that my mouth could impede my growth.

I am a fighter. I fight back. I won’t allow you to do me any kind of way but on the flip side, I learned about my Trauma Brain and Trauma Bonding and a lot of other stuff about trauma and why some of us, especially survivors, keep having the same challenges.

I am even more committed to helping women. When I research and help you I am helping myself. As I encourage you, I encourage myself.

Believe me, I know when to quit, although it may appear that I don’t, and that is okay. I am going to continue letting God lead the way and keep on getting these lessons. This education will catapult me to the next level. I count it all joy, even the F*** ups. As long as we learn, hey, it is all good, right?

Thank you for letting me be myself again

Mozayik

8.18.19.4.41

Words of the Matriarch

Nana Reflections
I have granddaughters that left for college today. I cried. Not because I am sad but because I am so happy for our family.
I had a granddaughter that went to kindergarten this week and she is filled with so much promise.
 
Life is so good. My heart fills with pride when I see my happy grandchildren thriving and safe. Being raised by loving parents. Being better parents than I was while preparing the next generation of our Legacy of Love.
 
I am the oldest in my generation, so that makes me the Matriarch of this family tree. We have destroyed some branches that were not serving us well. We have had things crop up as life will do you. But when the chips are down, we huddle together in love, we pray, we pitch in wherever needed and we overcome together.
 
My children probably don’t even realize just how special they are, and I know I am the mother and would say that, but it is true. Anyone that knows any of them can vouch for that.
We have consciously determined to be love and positive energy in this world. How beautiful that I can say that about all of my children and grandchildren.
 
We are not perfect but we are love and loving. We don’t tolerate any negativity or malicious gossip when we get together. We keep it real because we have learned that lies and secrets kill.
I wonder do they remember that when they would speak ill of one another I would have us sit in a circle and say something nice about everybody in that circle.
 
I am just being reflective of how blessed we are as a family.
I am trying to be the best me so that they can be proud of me too.
I was not the best mom or grandmom but I always tell the truth and I accept everybody exactly the way they are. Giving them the freedom to express themselves.
mozayik

Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

My African American HerStory

***My HerStory***
I hope she is proud of me. This is my Great Grandmother Bertha Sanders she transitioned in August of 1972. She was 80 years old. Her Father was an African Slave and her Mother was A Native American. She worked and was on her feet till the day she passed.. She had just been diagnosed with Heart Disease when she told us that she would not under any circumstances die in a “white man’s ” hospital. She said, “I am going to lay down, prop my feet up, close my eyes and go home.”

That is exactly how she transitioned. She laid down on the couch in the living room and closed her eyes and did not wake up.

I had gone to church and when I returned she was already gone. The coroner had taken her body. It was just my Grandmother and I left to fend for ourselves.

My Great Grandmother had what we now call a bucket list. She wanted a Family Reunion on her 80th Birthday July 4th. She wanted me to start going to church. This had not really been a priority because she prayed with me and read from the Psalms and Proverbs to me at night before bed.

After her death I swear I could hear her at times saying to me, “Nesie be a good girl.” I also remember that she would say to my Grandmother Mamie, “Give that girl whatever she wants.” I was her girl and forever will be.

I share this story in HONOR of Black History Month. My Great Grandmother is truly African American. This is why I am offended when society wants me to be reduced to a color.
There is only one race, the human race.This is my HerStory

I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me

the image they continue to give me is one of possibility 

these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break

a slight bend now and again

but never broken

I never saw them without what they needed

they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated

I am not afraid to break a sweat

so you have not even seen the best of me yet

I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,

she walked through this world on her own terms

she paid the price to decide

when to prop up her feet and die to flesh

this is who I am

my grandmother Mamie  did the same thing

you would always her saying

I will go die before I lose my independence

and she left this world on her own terms

this is where I come from

backs do not break

we walk on through

our souls help us decide what to do

like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa

even though they left her for dead

she has a mission

she will decide when it is time to go home

so I am going to be all right

this is where I come from

I have decided I have more work to do

more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home

I am going to lay my burdens  down

at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, and Margie’s feet

they are already free

and they are waiting on me to finish up this work

and come home and be free

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  3.11.13

 

When Love is the Intention…..

Today at 3pm CST I will be interviewed by Marci Baptiste about being a Co-Author sharing my story of wisdom gleaned from living over 57 years ,in her Book ‘The Power of 50.

A lot has happened this year that was on my Vision Board for 2018. Being a published Author will give me more opportunities to not only produce interest in my Book ‘The Souls’ Poetry’, but also allows me to share an experience from my life as an 18 year old mother of three children. I share so that other young women will know they are not alone in their struggles and they can persevere in therapy. I want to show them that it is possible to recover.

I have tried performing, reciting my poetry and even sold t-shirts but my true calling is writing.  I will always encourage women to heal. Therapy and God have been the ingredients needed to destroy patterns of abuse in my family.

 

Worthy Reflection (I’m priceless)

As I think back over my life in this reflective vibe I have been in lately, I see all the places in my life where I discounted my value. It saddens me to know that I did not see how immensely valuable my presence was in my family’s life.

Coming to Phoenix is exactly what I needed to realize my worth. To understand my influence and my purpose. Even when I was a very young woman considering placing my children for adoption, it was because I thought I could not be a good mother.

I now know that with this big ole heart that God gave me nothing could be further from the truth.
Now that I know what I bring to the table of life I see where my presence can make a difference in this world.
What I have to give my family, friends, community and partner is extremely valuable. Now that I know how to give from my overflow I am ready to continue this journey of healing. The next step is to continue to encourage women to heal with #GirlGetYouSomeHelp brand. I am not thru.
The next level is going to be Fantastic. I already have a vision but more than that I have a plan. Still basically the same mission but the HOW is clear. I am excited to see what the rest of this year will bring.
I started out with investing in myself and my business. I have grown greatly as a woman and as a business woman. My confidence is huge because I have built a support system of like minded business women that I follow.
I know more about me, so I can pace myself in all areas of my life. I know how to set boundaries now. I am not ruled by my emotions. Finding peace, contentment or happiness is a breath away now.
When I remember to breath and acknowledge gratefully where that breath comes from, all is well in my soul in the moment. Is not the moment all we have?