My African American HerStory

***My HerStory***
I hope she is proud of me. This is my Great Grandmother Bertha Sanders she transitioned in August of 1972. She was 80 years old. Her Father was an African Slave and her Mother was A Native American. She worked and was on her feet till the day she passed.. She had just been diagnosed with Heart Disease when she told us that she would not under any circumstances die in a “white man’s ” hospital. She said, “I am going to lay down, prop my feet up, close my eyes and go home.”

That is exactly how she transitioned. She laid down on the couch in the living room and closed her eyes and did not wake up.

I had gone to church and when I returned she was already gone. The coroner had taken her body. It was just my Grandmother and I left to fend for ourselves.

My Great Grandmother had what we now call a bucket list. She wanted a Family Reunion on her 80th Birthday July 4th. She wanted me to start going to church. This had not really been a priority because she prayed with me and read from the Psalms and Proverbs to me at night before bed.

After her death I swear I could hear her at times saying to me, “Nesie be a good girl.” I also remember that she would say to my Grandmother Mamie, “Give that girl whatever she wants.” I was her girl and forever will be.

I share this story in HONOR of Black History Month. My Great Grandmother is truly African American. This is why I am offended when society wants me to be reduced to a color.
There is only one race, the human race.This is my HerStory

I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me

the image they continue to give me is one of possibility 

these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break

a slight bend now and again

but never broken

I never saw them without what they needed

they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated

I am not afraid to break a sweat

so you have not even seen the best of me yet

I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,

she walked through this world on her own terms

she paid the price to decide

when to prop up her feet and die to flesh

this is who I am

my grandmother Mamie  did the same thing

you would always her saying

I will go die before I lose my independence

and she left this world on her own terms

this is where I come from

backs do not break

we walk on through

our souls help us decide what to do

like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa

even though they left her for dead

she has a mission

she will decide when it is time to go home

so I am going to be all right

this is where I come from

I have decided I have more work to do

more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home

I am going to lay my burdens  down

at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, and Margie’s feet

they are already free

and they are waiting on me to finish up this work

and come home and be free

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  3.11.13

 

When Love is the Intention…..

Today at 3pm CST I will be interviewed by Marci Baptiste about being a Co-Author sharing my story of wisdom gleaned from living over 57 years ,in her Book ‘The Power of 50.

A lot has happened this year that was on my Vision Board for 2018. Being a published Author will give me more opportunities to not only produce interest in my Book ‘The Souls’ Poetry’, but also allows me to share an experience from my life as an 18 year old mother of three children. I share so that other young women will know they are not alone in their struggles and they can persevere in therapy. I want to show them that it is possible to recover.

I have tried performing, reciting my poetry and even sold t-shirts but my true calling is writing.  I will always encourage women to heal. Therapy and God have been the ingredients needed to destroy patterns of abuse in my family.

 

Worthy Reflection (I’m priceless)

As I think back over my life in this reflective vibe I have been in lately, I see all the places in my life where I discounted my value. It saddens me to know that I did not see how immensely valuable my presence was in my family’s life.

Coming to Phoenix is exactly what I needed to realize my worth. To understand my influence and my purpose. Even when I was a very young woman considering placing my children for adoption, it was because I thought I could not be a good mother.

I now know that with this big ole heart that God gave me nothing could be further from the truth.
Now that I know what I bring to the table of life I see where my presence can make a difference in this world.
What I have to give my family, friends, community and partner is extremely valuable. Now that I know how to give from my overflow I am ready to continue this journey of healing. The next step is to continue to encourage women to heal with #GirlGetYouSomeHelp brand. I am not thru.
The next level is going to be Fantastic. I already have a vision but more than that I have a plan. Still basically the same mission but the HOW is clear. I am excited to see what the rest of this year will bring.
I started out with investing in myself and my business. I have grown greatly as a woman and as a business woman. My confidence is huge because I have built a support system of like minded business women that I follow.
I know more about me, so I can pace myself in all areas of my life. I know how to set boundaries now. I am not ruled by my emotions. Finding peace, contentment or happiness is a breath away now.
When I remember to breath and acknowledge gratefully where that breath comes from, all is well in my soul in the moment. Is not the moment all we have?

pray don’t worry “compartmentalize”

I pray so I don’t have to worry.

At 50 years old I learned in therapy  the tools needed to cope. I essentially grew up. My family of origin was dysfunctional, so I was not aware of the pathology in my thinking that showed up in my behavior.

Therapy for me was  examining behaviors that don’t serve me well, like catastrophizing. The understanding of why I do something helped me love myself unconditionally. I then had the confidence that I could  reprogram and resetting my default to healthy thinking which fueled the change in how I respond to life’s challenges.
We say knowledge is power but it can only be powerful when we use what we have learned to change.
I had been known to freak out. To not be able to handle stress was my legacy. My family would deliberately keep things from me. They felt they had to protect me or I would collapse under the pressure.
After therapy I use the tool my therapist and I  practiced, “compartmentalizing”.
It is inline with my now favorite motto or chant.

If you are going to pray, don’t worry and if you are going to worry don’t pray.

I had a situation come up yesterday that in the past would have sent me reeling straight into anger and then depression and the cycle would start. Depression, pain, and anger from feeling out control.

That is FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

The truth is we have a choice to make moment to moment. We cant be happy and sad at the same exact moment. The brain does not work that way. And thank God because we would loose our choice or ability to be the miraculous human beings we are.

Our mindset is a choice. Our power lies in the fact we can create. We can think a thing, speak the thing and manifest a thing. It really is that simple.
I have changed. When things crop up and I don’t have the resources to solve the problem I am okay with allowing God to lead me to the solution.

Yesterday, I prayed and enjoyed the rest of my evening because there was nothing I could do about it at the time.  I have learned to be present in the moment by compartmentalizing. I slept well last night.  When I  rose I went about  my usual morning rituals. When I sat down and I allowed myself to think about it again, the problem was not as bad as I had initially thought.

No matter what I know I can trust God so I pray.  Praying is giving it to God. But I don’t take it back by worrying about it. Breathing a sigh of relief, and smiling from the reassurance that it will all work out because I am in Gods will. Being happy moment to moment is the choice I make . Being present and Being grateful are the main keys to my happiness.

I am happy because I am grateful.

Catastrophizing

How to compartmentalize.

Best Year Ever

Finally getting back on track. This year has already proven to be the best ever. It started with the amazing Manifest your Vision Event where I created a fantastic Vision Board. I promise you that many things have already come true. Not because the board is magical but because it is in a place in my home where I see it everyday and I am diligently working to make my vision happen.
 
Then I became laser focused on working with my Business Coach. I invested time, money and energy into learning and developing the tools needed to be a successful Business Owner. It is going to take a minute to incorporate all of the knowledge into practice It has already taken me and my business to the next level.
I realized through working with my Coach that I needed to slow down and focus on my health. I am diabetic and my numbers were out of control for various reasons, some not my fault.
 
Ultimately though it is my responsibility to improve the quality of my life. My number are good and I am exercising in the sun everyday. I have lost the extra 10 pounds and my energy levels are improving drastically.
 
Even though I did not sell a lot of #GirlGetYouSomeHelp t-shirts, the experience of getting ready to do business on Shopify and Printful will prove to be beneficial in making a profit in the near future. I was not fully ready to do business but at least I am set up and just need to add the final touches.
 
My visit home to St. Louis was truly life changing when I was able to read The Official Girl Get You Some Help poem among all of my favorite people in St. Louis. I was able to see where I have changed and also the opportunities for improvement within myself and my Business.
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp was taken to a new level. I learned so much and have more clarity on how to be better next time.
 
By the time my friend came to visit me in Phoenix for Pride, I did my best to muster up enthusiasm but I was spent.
Hanging out with friends at the Pride parade and Festival was one of the best times this year.
The very best and most precious times were meeting and spending time with my two new grandsons’. Going to the circus with two of my grandchildren, spending the night at my babygirl’s new home with her, her fiance and children was truly delightful.    All of the family and friends I was blessed to share time with has been a blessing.
 
It is only April and I have no doubt that the rest of this year will stay on trend to be THE BEST YEAR EVER

She is the reason I don’t believe in Fairytales. (there were no men in our house)

I am celebrating Bertha Sanders my Great GrandMother on International Women’s Day. She passed when I was eleven and it was devastating because she was my constant protector. She would read from the book of Proverbs and Psalms with me on her lap as we rocked in her rocking chair.
She poured so much love into me in those moments I can actually feel them when I remember. I am positive she is responsible for molding me into a poet.
She taught me how to stand up for myself. She taught me that I could have whatever I want. She would tell her daughter (my grandmother), “Give that girl what she want.”. So, No, has never been an option for me because, well…….. I can hear her telling me, “Ne’sa be a good girl.” My nickname was Nesie but she pronounced it as Ne’sa.
This truly African American woman (her father was an African slave and her mother was indigenous to this place we call America) was a homeowner in the early 70’s. She did not have a husband. That is saying a lot considering her age, ethenticity and the history this country has when it comes to the very ones the colonizors stole from and mudered.
I get my hustle from the two grandmothers that raised me. Hard work was the norm in our house. The motto was if you don’t work you dont eat.
I know I get my will from her. She refused to die in the “white man’s hospital” she said when she passed on she would lie down on the couch, put her feet up and go home. That is exactly how she transitioned.
She exemplified  to me, “You will have whatever you say you will have.”
#InternationalWomensDay #GirlGetYouSomeHelp

Mamie and Bertha in me

I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me

the image they continue to give me is one of possibility

these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break

a slight bend now and again

but never broken

I never saw them without what they needed

they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated

I am not afraid to break a sweat

so you have not even seen the best of me yet

I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,

she walked through this world on her own terms

she paid the price to decide

when to prop up her feet and die to flesh

this is who I am

my grandmother Mamie  did the same thing

you would always her saying

I will  die before I lose my independence

and she left this world on her own terms

this is where I come from

backs do not break

we walk on through

our souls help us decide what to do

like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa

even though they left her for dead

she has a mission

she will decide when it is time to go home

so I am going to be all right

this is where I come from

I have decided I have more work to do

more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home

I am going to lay my burdens  down

at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, Annie,

Essie and Margie’s feet

they are already free

and they are waiting for me to finish up this work

and come home and be free

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  3.11.13