As I sit here looking at pictures of my family. I have an absolutely beautiful family. I am not complaining about anything just writing so this feeling will pass. That is what feelings do, they leave eventually. In therapy I learned to not ignore my feelings they are giving me a message or an opportunity to shed another layer for healing. Everyday evolution is a fact to life.
Let me stay on topic. I was missing my family so much. God has miraculously given me six healthy babies. Six. But it gets even better, I had twins and triplets. I prayed as a little girl for a new family because the one I was experiencing was filled with hostility. There were no safe places. My soul hungered for the love I knew as a child would fix everything if only they would let it.
I remember the day exactly that I asked for another family. We were at some family gathering and my mother, my 2 aunts and my grandmother were setting up the tables to play spades. But they were arguing about something and my aunt Essie was the target of their viscous venomous words. She was crying. She was my favorite aunt and they were making her feel bad about her weight. My aunt died to trying to be skinny.
This type of destructive energy existed at every family gathering until as an adult and after much therapy, I decided to no longer participate.
The point of this post is to say that what happened to me as a child caused my mental illness. Depression was actually inevitable in that environment after being neglected and raped. PTSD could not be avoided. Some of us don’t have ptsd as a result of a trauma, but there are those like me that have had so many traumas that we kept recreating traumatic situations in an effort to heal. Or, that is what is familiar to us however uncomfortable.
My sacrifices are many when it comes to my healing. My family being the biggest sacrifice. I am grateful for the answered prayer for another family. Six healthy children, 14 healthy grandchildren within my 56 years. God willing there will eventually be many more souls that are a direct result of my prayer. These souls have chosen to come through my womb and be the start of the legacy of love I am deliberately creating.
I am grateful. I just miss my family and I was in my feelings and needed to write it out. I know I will be able to enjoy and influence my grandchildren face to face again. This move to Phoenix is what is supposed to happen and they will be here when it is time. I have no doubt this is where I am supposed to be. Once the healing came I could no longer stay in St. Louis.
Honestly sometimes I get in my feelings and feel sad and even angry that what happened to me cost me so much. But after writing through my feelings I am able to count my blessings.
I realize that God has given me exceedingly and abundantly above what I asked for, another family. A healthy family. A happy prosperous family. We love each other and when we all get together it is ALL LOVE. I love how my children work through their conflicts and disagreements. No matter what, they find love and let go of any animosity. I taught them that. I showed them to the best of my ability what unconditional love is.
I have had an interesting life. It has been good. I look forward to enjoying life for a long time to come. I am working to leave a legacy of love in the universe. God has used me to bring forth a lot of love. I am grateful.
So at the end of the day. My soul chose these circumstances. This is the way it is supposed to be. I am who am because of EVERY experience I have had.
I am mozayik “the souls’ poet”
I have learned to trust myself. This is huge for someone that has experienced trauma especially as a child under the age of six. These children have been programed to believe that not one person cares enough to protect or save them. It takes a lot of therapy and rewiring the brain to have happy positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you be the default.
It did get worse before it got better. But the other side of the middle passage of pain is beautiful.
I listened to Brene Brown’s “The Anatomy of Trust” and it confirmed for me that I am healed enough to be true to my intuition, gut feeling or voice of God. Whatever you call knowing what is right for you, I trust that more than I trust people. As long as I stay in the will of God I trust everything will be alright.
I want to say, “SisStar, if I did it you can too. You can be happy on the inside all of the time. It is a downright dirty shame that we have to fix ourselves. But we can do it and your healing will change the course of your entire family for generations to come.”.
She said, “I spent most of my life looking for the next rescue. Sometimes I was savior, and other times I was saved. It was a constant cycle of codependency.”
~ a free woman
Before therapy I handled stress by running and hiding from life
going under the covers not letting in any light
after therapy though, I use my tools
put on some funky music
dance until the frown is soothed
grab a walking stick
go for a stroll and wack the shit out of uselessness
now, that I have tools to navigate through the rough terrain
a smile is not far away
now, I know I am worth the effort
I don’t need anyone to tell me that
I killed the metaphoric demons
that used to taunt me and make me believe
that these negative thoughts are real
I know better now, so I use my tools
soon all of the gloom has bloomed into gratitude
that I made it through but more than that I ain’t blue
I am bright orange and yellow
spreading happy energy to my fellow
soul seekers of light
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
Karma is not a bitch. Karma is sweet. Karma is fair.
She will give you what you deserve
and about your feelings she doesn’t care.
She will pay you in love,
If that is what you reap.
sowing seeds of love and positivity
will keep you out of the path of Karma’s negative proclivity.
Karma will be your friend,
until you make her your enemy.
Whether you acknowledge her or not
she will bite that ass no doubt
it is an absolute guarantee.
See, me and Karma go way back
to a time when I did not know
I finally woke up when my love debt was past due.
I had burned too many bridges,
so, a reckoning with Karma I had to do
that changed my views.
Everyone will get what they are due.
No matter your hue.
I love every day my very best,
I am reaping love in abundance cause I let go of judgments,
no more right or wrong.
I am living the moments of my life’s song
I have created a life in love for myself,
my journey is filled with valley blessings.
I am receiving my wealth of love that Karma has dispensed.
by Mozayik “the souls’ poet” © 61917
Happiness is not just a word in a far away place
somewhere in no one’s land
happiness now makes perfect sense
it is a state for which we are meant live
from moment to moment
happiness resides now in my soul
it lives in all the little nooks and crannies
cut by all my broken pieces
mozayik is now whole
and the masterpiece
trimmed in gold
in the places where trauma left it’s hole
happiness lives and dances in all of my dreams
all of my expectations are of happy everything
I swear I never thought i could exist
in a state of happiness
from moment to moment
I am not going to lie
there are moments when memories make me sad
but I now know how to not let the moments last
I honor and acknowledge my soul’s brave journey
if tears are in order I respectfully cry
but even with the memories I will be alright
cause I know that I now live in the light
that I can intentionally share
I am not looking for anything out there
because healing has brought me to knowing my own worth
I truly love me and am okay with self
it feels wonderful to just be and breath in peace
knowing that happiness is always available to me
and now I don’t have drudge through shit to see
that if I live moment to moment happiness is free
it is a gift that I give freely to me
mozayik “the souls’ poet”
Anybody that knows even the very basic about me knows that 11 is my number. I actually started seeing 11’s everywhere in 2011. On any clock anywhere I would see 1111 or 111 a.m and p.m. I would see it on the most random items like what time someone called me or how long the message was they left on voice mail. It got to the point it spooked me and I did my due diligence research. I found out so many interesting facts about the number 11. According to Numerology I am an 11.
I said all that to say how cool is that? I sat down to create a new post and happen to notice that this is my 111th post.
I take this as a tap on the shoulder from the Universe that I am on the right path. I see it as God smiling on me. I feel connected to the all. The energetic power to create your version of happiness. The energy in our soul placed there and filled with desire by God. Bliss is finding your purpose and fulfilling it. There is a huge reward for killing your demons in therapy.
My soul chose this path to heal itself. With that being my belief there is no room for regret. I follow the urging of my soul. Some call it intuition or “a gut feeling” or maybe even God speaking. We cant really explain it but it usually serves our highest good if we follow.
So on today as I reflect on all this blog has allowed me to accomplish it get chills as I realize just how far I have come and that my readers and followers have taken this journey to healing with me.
When I started this blog I could not finish my book because the poetry was so triggering and would cause a decline in my mental health that usually landed me in the hospital. I look through the archives and see that the journey was long and hard but my perseverance, resilience and passionate commitment to heal lead me through.
Now I am able to share my story without the tears, heartache, triggers and flashbacks. This is what healing looks like. I am a success story so that other women can see that if I can do it they can too. The same God that blessed me and carried me through the worst will do the same for them also.
There were days when the grief was all consuming and it seemed it would never end. Anger was the river of blood I swam in because it was unfair that the victim had to fix herself. But as I remember how horrific remembering is I remember how the emotions were devastating because it is reliving it again and sometimes over and over until the feelings don’t dont have the same meaning. Healing is painful and it takes a lot of courage but the other side is so worth it.
To be able to help other women and men be inspired enough to do the work necessary to be free is my life’s purpose. I say work because I don’t want to sugar coat it. It fucking sucks that you have to undo what has been done unto to you.
But when I look at it from a holistic spiritual perspective and believe that there really is a purpose for all of this pain. There is sunshine after the rain.
Mozayik “the souls’ poet”
A blog about the hard work of writing
My World, My Life, My Rules
Poet, Authorpreneur, Songwriter, Spoken Word Activist
The Souls' Poet
I am on a journey; a journey to heal through my voice - surving life after sexual abuse