from your mama

you had to learn that life is not fair

play by the unjust rules or lose

they set you up just to tear you down

whatever goes around comes around

there are some things we can’t change

some things we cannot manipulate

try as we may

there really is a thing called fate

destiny if you believe

the universe is under God’s control

take a minute to think about it

the earth keeps turning

the sun forever shines

the moon revolves around us

and birds always chirp

summer comes, winter goes

trees bud each and every spring

it rains when the heavens declare it should

nothing we can do to stop it

if we could just trust in the universal laws

the world keeps turning but we don’t fall

plant a seed deep in the ground and watch it grow

from a tiny seed to a mighty tree

stop, think about it for a minute

if we would just believe

it’s hard when all around us we see injustice

every day they try to take our dignity

but you are in control ultimately

of what you let them plant in your soul

take the good, plant it in you

can’t find it out there in the world

find it in yourself

nurture goodness and peace

it will grow inside your soul

you really do reap what you sow

tell them go ahead hate me

because I believe in justice and equality

but one day just like a seed

I’ll grow into a mighty tree

I’ll be a power to be reckoned with

I held onto what I believed

I didn’t let you plant your seeds of negativity in me

I became responsible made good choices

held on steadfastly to the belief that

what I put out there is what I’ll receive

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 1997

for Melisa when things were hard

Fear is Ilusion

2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I am no longer comfortable using the word fear or the word afraid. The other day I told my daughter that I was not coming out because I was afraid of coming out after dark. Fear feeds anxiety.

Because I have been given a sound mind and because of the love I have for my own wellbeing I am empowered by the spirit of god that lives in me to make a wise decision and protect myself. There are many rational reasons why it is not wise for me an African American Woman to go out alone in the dark during these unprecedented times.

From now on I will to be focused on the fact that because of the spirit of God that lives in me I do not have to fear anything.

Fear is illusion. Trusting God requires fearlessness.

#INeededThatLesson

music is my lover

music is my drug of choice

my constant companion

through all of this terror

it saves me minute by minute from madness

I turn it off , it keeps playing

I get lost in thought,  it keeps swaying

soothing me with lyrics of the last song that wooed me

music touches my soul, my hair follicles, my toes

I start groving and the next thing I know

me and music are rocking and rolling

until I am totally holding

freedom

in the palms of my hands

my fingers keep poping

while I drop it like its hot

before I know it me and music are in love

and we ain’t to proud to show it

music is my lover

my drug of choice

call me a gleeful forever addict

i get high

so i can fly

away on my lyrical horses

above the noises

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

circa 4.2020

It is finished

I have not been promoting my book because that journey has ended. I don’t know where I would be without poetry. I was born a poet because that is what I needed to give voice to my pain. I bled onto the pages and it helped to heal me.

The poems in my book tell the story of my healing. It is amazing to me how clearly the poems actually chronologically portray my healing process.  The title was My Healing Journey and I actually published and printed the part of the book that was finished at that time in 2008.

My healing journey was not complete, though.  The book has gone from 48 pages to 80 pages. It seemed it would never be complete because every editing session triggered me.  I would spiral down into depression,  get into therapy and when I felt better or I allowed myself to be distracted I stopped therapy.  there were also other reasons I had to stop, like insurance or lack thereof.

The book became one of my biggest motivators to continue therapy.  I could clearly see my progress but also see where there was more work needed. I started to realize that my soul knew what I needed to heal. So I trusted it. It became apparent that the book would not get published or even completed until I healed. 

The book became a labor of self-love. It became my promise to God that I would give my gift at no cost. Writing is the tool or gift God has given me to heal myself and to heal others. It is better to give.

A therapist once told me that after I did the work to heal that I would be happier than I could imagine. I did not believe her but I had to try and see what the end was going to be. What did I have to lose? I had happiness to gain, so I  finally committed to therapy because being in pain became unbearable.

I got very serious about healing once I started having flashbacks. I had to face the fact that I suffered with PTSD.  As it is often said,  when the student is ready the teacher will appear. In January 2012 I was led to the YWCA where I spent over 3 years healing from childhood sexual abuse.

My therapist told me that I could be healed from PTSD and Fibromyalgia. She was right. It is true, that if you heal the mind you heal the body. Depression hurts.

I went over 3 years without therapy but the journey was not over. I still dealt with anxiety. Depression was and still is a thing of the past.  I still had to heal from domestic violence among other things that had left side effects.

I don’t regret any part of my journey. I am a powerhouse now for women that are healing or want to start healing.

I was born with a calling to tell women that they can be free from the pain that stops them from being all that they want to be. God has used me to pull women from the edge of the ledge. I am sure I could not even imagine how much God has used me to tell women they can be free.

So I regret nothing. I was called out to endure and heal to say, “Girl get you some help”.

This last year in therapy and the last domestic violence experience gave me valuable lessons.  Iyanla VanZant said, “There is value in the valley”. 2019  took my understanding of why I and many other women keep choosing the same type of person. We attract to us the people we need to heal. Sounds a little skewed but it is true. When we heal that part of ourselves we no longer need that situation to mirror our pain.

I have learned about things like Trauma bonding and The Trauma Brain and Narsacism as well as what it means to be an Empath. I count it all Joy. This information was essential for me to complete my journey to healing.

I decided ten years ago to take control of my life and make the necessary changes to have a better quality of life. I needed my children to be proud of me. I wanted them to see that Mama worked hard to get her shit together. I wanted to show not tell them that asking for help is a sign of strength and if you are willing to do the work you can change.

Now it is time to thrive. Now it is time to teach. Now is the time to reach even more women with the message, “I promise on the other side of healing is Happy”.

Healing Brings Good Memories

I know I have healed because I can remember the many great things I had as a child. I now have fond memories and they now cover up the bad memories. The good memories bring me joy, cause me to break out and smile while bringing happy tears to my eyes. A walk down memory lane is now filled with gratefulness. I don’t hesitate to walk down memory lane. It is a pleasant welcome experience. That is freedom.

I was raised by two great women my grandmother Mamie and my great grandmother Bertha. Cara my aunt also shared in raising. Tragically, I never saw them in a healthy relationship with men. However, I never heard them be mean to anyone. I did not overhear them plotting about revenge.
I saw them work together to accomplish goals like being homeowners. I saw them share with friends, family, and neighbors.

Healing has allowed me to see the glorious upbringing these women gave me. I am who I am because of them. I am kind-hearted because they were kind-hearted. I have a passion for helping people just like they taught me to be. I believe in order and setting boundaries like they taught me.
They also taught me to fight back, stand on my own two feet and don’t take no shit off nobody. Just as they taught me to pray and trust God. They also taught me to be ready to protect myself. I really saw no fear in them at all.

One man got rowdy with my grandmother when I was about eight or nine and she got her gun and run his ass out of the house. We never saw or heard from him again. I saw them have male friends but no live-in man. A man did not ever spend the night.
They worked and provided for themselves. I started working at eleven cleaning offices with my grandmother. They taught me by example and word that “If you don’t work, you don’t eat”.

They poured so much love into me. My great grandmother would hold me and rock me in her rocking chair while reading the bible to me. This has to be my fondest memory of her. I thank God that I can carry these memories with me in my heart every day. There is no more rain in this cloud. I found the silver lining. All the hard work has been worth it. #Healed

Mamie and Bertha in me

I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me

the image they continue to give me is one of possibility

these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break

a slight bend now and again

but never broken

I never saw them without what they needed

they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated

I am not afraid to break a sweat

so you have not even seen the best of me yet

I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,

she walked through this world on her own terms

she paid the price to decide

when to prop up her feet and die to flesh

this is who I am

my grandmother Mamie  did the same thing

you would always her saying

I will  die before I lose my independence

and she left this world on her own terms

this is where I come from

backs do not break

we walk on through

our souls help us decide what to do

like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa

even though they left her for dead

she has a mission

she will decide when it is time to go home

so I am going to be all right

this is where I come from

I have decided I have more work to do

more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home

I am going to lay my burdens  down

at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, Annie,

Essie and Margie’s feet

they are already free

and they are waiting for me to finish up this work

and come home and be free

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  3.11.13

 

my daughter’s words

Mama, thanks for always being my biggest supporter. Thanks for growing with me, always gently pushing, even when I get off track you’re still there, saying you can do this girl. No one has ever told me I’m phenomenal more than you. You are definitely my ride or die. I know I can be a bit bossy, controlling and difficult to deal with.

You have always shown me patience through love and honesty. I truly enjoy being around you. You are very special. This is why every child that has come from you, is extraordinarily smart, wise, and loving. All of that came with a price. All of your suffering and sacrifice has come with a cost.

Now you can be a beacon of light and love. You attract what you put out, love, happiness, and sunshine. You may not have heard any of your children say they wanted to be like you. But I do, I want my children and grandchildren to adore me, like yours. It’s your love that motivates us to be our best, you have only poured love into us, and I appreciate that more than anything in life.

Thank you for the tough love, because it made me stronger. Thank you for tender love, it has taught me patience, acceptance, and understanding.💓💋💋melisa💜

Soul Deep

There has always been something deep inside my soul that has kept me going.  Writing poetry allowed my soul to bleed, my soul spoke to me through the words on the pages.

Sometimes I run across something I’ve written long ago and I don’t remember pouring these words onto the paper.  It is usually profound, honest and deeply moving.

Most of my best poetry has been penned while tears rolled down my face.  When the ache in my heart can’t be expressed verbally or the pain is unbearable writing is the only release for the anguish.

I want to share the gifts I have been given.  Each poem expressed something that my mouth could not utter. Each poem a letting of the painful emotions buried for decades.  Words on a paper are safe, but it is time to share.

May every poem be a balm for another soul. needing to know they are not alone.  Hopefully just knowing that another soul made it over to the other side will encourage other women to start their journey to healing.

to the next lover, she grew up

I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.

That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.

My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.

With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.

Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.

I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.

I am enough for me.

pulling up the bitter root

It is very humbling when sitting with the consequences of choices made. I have really been wrestling with some stuff that was really starting to win the battle to take me under.

If I am acting weird that means I need you.

I know that when we have a family member that we don’t understand it can be hard to love them. Sometimes our loved ones may act strange. Similar to what I have been going through, I had so much anxiety that it was literally consuming me.

Truth has a bitter sting.

I am feeling better having accepted some hard truths. I was guilt-tripping myself so badly, I was whipping my own ass. I really was not comfortable in my own skin because I was dealing with shame. In order to be truly free of baggage, garbage or just some negative stuff, that was haunting me, I had to face it head-on. I am so very grateful that I never felt that God had left me or that I would not be delivered.

I was dealing with some depression, but I knew it was situational, it was hard. Growth hurts and if somebody says they grew and didn’t shed some tears or feel any emotional pain and probably some physical pain, they are lying and the truth ain’t in them as my grandmother would say.

I thank God for my free therapy. I thank God for all of the people that have poured into me as I struggled with my truths.

I wanted to run and yes it was overwhelming at times, but I trust the process and I tapped into my support system. I came out on the other side better able to reclaim my freedom.

Look y’all I am passionate about mental illness, mental health, and intimate partner violence as well as childhood sexual trauma because I struggle every day with these issues. PTSD is no joke and part of it is anxiety and depression. I believe we are slowing waking up to the importance of the mind being healthy. We are starting to see the mind-body connection and that everything really is everything. I am grateful for the education I have received through therapy and my own curious passion. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has used and will continue to use me to save lives by telling my truth so that they can be encouraged to heal.

I was so very angry at myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. But where is the lesson if I did not stop and acknowledge that the truth is, I still have some more healing to do.

The shame, disappointment, and fear of losing the image I had of myself was being challenged and I was seeing the places that needed some light and love. I had to do it with just me and God.  I had to have that positive funk experience.

Once I saw the silver lining, I was good. I had my ah-ha sigh of relief. Once I gleaned something that increases my understanding of myself and others, it is time for celebration. I Celebrate that I did make it over to the other side of depression. I did cope with anxiety. With help from my friends, and family, even my Facebook, Instagram and my blog flowers support me with good energy and encouraging words.

My longtime friends keep me grounded with the truth. I don’t want to go through that again. It had been years since I have felt depressed. The whole time in Phoenix I did not get depressed but I did have some anxiety, but the sunshine and blue skies were right outside my door and art, music and education were everywhere. God provided my every need in a City where I really didn’t know anyone. But it was time to take another layer off the onion of healing. So I was led to come home and I am so happy that I did. I have no regrets.

I heal out loud so that other women don’t have to die by silence.

I dwell in Truth’s freedom.

Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 9.5.19.12.02