NO, and NO I am not alone.

Whew! I am one of those people. The kind that starts immediately looking for the lesson in the situation so it can be over with and I can move on in this journey of healing.

I lost it today as someone stood at the end of my bed. belittling me and talking to me as if I were a child. I forgive myself for giving her another chance. She called and said what I wanted to hear and boom, right back to the same ole same ole dysfunction.  I asked for my possession and she refused to give it to me and I admit it. I lost it. I lunged at her from my hospital bed trying to get my car keys. she refused to give them to me so I got out of my bed and ran down the hospital hallway to get my keys. I got them too, but not without much embarrassment.

I learned that I do have a breaking point. We all do, but staying away from people that bring out the worst in me is the top priority. I am a force now because as I said, lessons are the most important. I really believe life is going to be filled with nothing but positivity. People that play with your mind are dangerous.

I am sorry for taking my family and friends with me on this journey to love. We don’t usually consider how our choices affect our loved ones that have witnessed you suffer needlessly. Healing is a process. Most women go back to an abuser 7 times before actually leaving and staying gone. I will talk more about that in upcoming blog posts.

I did not get real with therapy until I was 50 years old when I found myself cowered in the corner of my bedroom having flashbacks of when I was left home alone at 5. So this 8 year journey has been an education if nothing else. There have been gaps along the way but it has been probably a good 5 of those 8 were spent in therapy.

It became my mission to free myself and destroy patterns and pathologies in the family tree so that “we can rock the future generations without dysfunction”.

So anyway, let me get back to the point. I learned a lot about myself with these last, ugh, few uh, well let us call them revelations.

I learned that I was still co-dependent. I saw it from a different perspective by listening to my dear friend even though we have not ever met in person, Sherry Dickerson. She talked about needing to be needed was classic co-dependency.

I kinda sorta knew that but the way she put it just made all the circuits of codependency go off in my brain.

Finally, I really get it.

I will always go to therapy when things come up that I need support with, the best place to go is to a Mental Health Professional. That can not only listen and validate your feelings but will also give you tools to use while you heal.

I learned that I have been telling myself a lie about being alone.

My son and his wife and my grandson came to see me at the hospital. I did not call him and I should have. I did not want to bother him. That is that old tape playing in my head from childhood that says he is too busy to be bothered with me.

Let me say that none of my children have ever made feel bad about asking for help. I just don’t ask that is my issue. I see that and it does not serve my highest good to not allow my children to be there for me. It is a blessing for both parent and child when our children bless us with their care and concern.

My daughter checked on me throughout the evening and day.

Another son contacted to make sure I was okay.

I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of Facebook friends that prayed with and for me.

I have a great support system. My girlfriends have my back. These are friends from way back 30 or 40 years or more.

No matter what, even if they have to tell me I am wrong, they will still support whatever I decide to do with my life.

NO, and NO I am not alone. God is with me, and in me so I will always have love. I will not be dying alone. that is a lie from hellacious energy cause hell is right here on earth.

I learned how to let go. I am a Cancer so that is a hard one for me. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not stupid. I am kind. But when I realized that I can not trust you, and sometimes it takes me a long time because I have issues, but, baby, you get no more of my goodness. So I am working on keeping my goodies for the one that will appreciate them. I may have already overlooked her but I wasn’t ready. After all of the drama of the last few months, I am still not ready. That is a great place to be.

I learned that I am poised for greatness.

I also learned that my mouth could impede my growth.

I am a fighter. I fight back. I won’t allow you to do me any kind of way but on the flip side, I learned about my Trauma Brain and Trauma Bonding and a lot of other stuff about trauma and why some of us, especially survivors, keep having the same challenges.

I am even more committed to helping women. When I research and help you I am helping myself. As I encourage you, I encourage myself.

Believe me, I know when to quit, although it may appear that I don’t, and that is okay. I am going to continue letting God lead the way and keep on getting these lessons. This education will catapult me to the next level. I count it all joy, even the F*** ups. As long as we learn, hey, it is all good, right?

Thank you for letting me be myself again

Mozayik

8.18.19.4.41

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Words of the Matriarch

Nana Reflections
I have granddaughters that left for college today. I cried. Not because I am sad but because I am so happy for our family.
I had a granddaughter that went to kindergarten this week and she is filled with so much promise.
 
Life is so good. My heart fills with pride when I see my happy grandchildren thriving and safe. Being raised by loving parents. Being better parents than I was while preparing the next generation of our Legacy of Love.
 
I am the oldest in my generation, so that makes me the Matriarch of this family tree. We have destroyed some branches that were not serving us well. We have had things crop up as life will do you. But when the chips are down, we huddle together in love, we pray, we pitch in wherever needed and we overcome together.
 
My children probably don’t even realize just how special they are, and I know I am the mother and would say that, but it is true. Anyone that knows any of them can vouch for that.
We have consciously determined to be love and positive energy in this world. How beautiful that I can say that about all of my children and grandchildren.
 
We are not perfect but we are love and loving. We don’t tolerate any negativity or malicious gossip when we get together. We keep it real because we have learned that lies and secrets kill.
I wonder do they remember that when they would speak ill of one another I would have us sit in a circle and say something nice about everybody in that circle.
 
I am just being reflective of how blessed we are as a family.
I am trying to be the best me so that they can be proud of me too.
I was not the best mom or grandmom but I always tell the truth and I accept everybody exactly the way they are. Giving them the freedom to express themselves.
mozayik

Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

**STL HOMESICK**

I want to go home
homesick for my people in St Louis
I miss being around those that know me
the shock of culture in Phoenix is stark
I miss those that hold my heart
never thought I would miss St Louis
not missing the mold and high humidity
but I do miss the familiarity of my city
a walk in Creve Coeur park stimulated creativity
strolling through the Delmar loop
or traveling down Euclid looking for parking
just to get some Chinese food
is what I want to do.
just woke up this morning missing St Louis
yearning to swing down to the mangrove
by way of forest park
after viewing a movie premiere
sitting comfy in the art museum
twilight Tuesday celebrated
the music that flowed through our city
I have to admit it, St Louis is in my blood and I don’t regret it

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

4.30.17 1:55 PM

Do you know your God’s Voice?

It is imperative that we know the voice of God for ourselves. We can not allow another human being to tell us who God is to us. I am not a young woman anymore and I have healed and grown enough to know that whatever I do will affect not only me but my entire family, my friends, my community and the universe that is me. I must consult God when making decisions.
There was a time when I needed the approval of others.
I have been through a lot in my life and because God has always protected and provided for me even when I did not acknowledge God.
I bumped my head a lot and took myself through some unnecessary drama.
But GOD, was patient with me as I learned how to be the woman I am born to be.
My journey is unique and my path is specifically for me and me alone.
Now my prayer is “Let the Will of God be done. No matter the situation, that prayer is the one to pray. For me it is Fail Proof. I only want what God wants me to have.
I know when God is speaking to me. I know the leading of my soul, my intuition, my gut feeling, the holy spirit or whatever you wish to call that knowing.
Do you trust God’s leading beyond the shadow of doubt even when the entire world is saying don’t do it.
I know that the decision to return to St Louis is God’s will for my life. God has given me a partner that I can grow with spiritually.
God has shown us that WE ARE IN GOD’S WILL.
I am Happy, We are happy and it is both of our desire to serve and sow good seed into good ground so that our harvest is good enough to share.

God even supplies the Hugs

It’s the God in me. I promise you that God supplies my every need, even hugs. I have a neighbor that gives me a hug every time she sees me. Today she brought tears to my eyes because we are in the monsoon season here in Phoenix and she was using her walker. She has arthritis,but she walked outside our building to the spot where I dance in the sun every morning just to give me a hug.
Anyone that knows me well know how I love my hugs, honey. I truly believe we start a fast decent to death without human contact.
The thing is the hugs have been supplied by different Mamas. As people move out someone else takes their place. They all have been old enough to be my mother or even my grandmother as was the case with the 96 old Choctaw Native American.
She has transitioned but I had the absolute privilege and honor to be encouraged by her. She would say to me and anyone within earshot that she was so proud of me. Being a retired Therapist she told me to follow my heart to help women, I was needed.
When I went to speak at a Domestic Violence Shelter for women, she listened intently to the recording and hugged my neck tight although her body was twisted from the arthritis. I would talk with her for hours and show her pictures of my family. I will never doubt God’s faithfulness to always provide for me just like all of Creation.
It is not me but the God in me that draws people to me.
I am not really that special. I just have experienced a time when I pushed people away. I have always prayed to be an instrument of Love but my issues had a way of keeping me feeling defeated.
After therapy, I am not emotionally unstable. Depression thinking is not my default. I know Anxiety is Fear and Fear is ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’. In therapy I learned to check any thought that was giving me anxiety with the question, “What is the Evidence of the belief?”
When you are OnPurpose and your only Goal is to stay in the Will of God so that your mission for this lifetime is fulfilled, there is no need to worry. Everything you need will be there when you get there.
mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
8.17.18
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

Worthy Reflection (I’m priceless)

As I think back over my life in this reflective vibe I have been in lately, I see all the places in my life where I discounted my value. It saddens me to know that I did not see how immensely valuable my presence was in my family’s life.

Coming to Phoenix is exactly what I needed to realize my worth. To understand my influence and my purpose. Even when I was a very young woman considering placing my children for adoption, it was because I thought I could not be a good mother.

I now know that with this big ole heart that God gave me nothing could be further from the truth.
Now that I know what I bring to the table of life I see where my presence can make a difference in this world.
What I have to give my family, friends, community and partner is extremely valuable. Now that I know how to give from my overflow I am ready to continue this journey of healing. The next step is to continue to encourage women to heal with #GirlGetYouSomeHelp brand. I am not thru.
The next level is going to be Fantastic. I already have a vision but more than that I have a plan. Still basically the same mission but the HOW is clear. I am excited to see what the rest of this year will bring.
I started out with investing in myself and my business. I have grown greatly as a woman and as a business woman. My confidence is huge because I have built a support system of like minded business women that I follow.
I know more about me, so I can pace myself in all areas of my life. I know how to set boundaries now. I am not ruled by my emotions. Finding peace, contentment or happiness is a breath away now.
When I remember to breath and acknowledge gratefully where that breath comes from, all is well in my soul in the moment. Is not the moment all we have?

Your Soul Knows What You Need To Heal

When you know your purpose and you know your God your Faith can not be shaken. You wont let others tell you how your life should be lived. I know the God in me intimately. How could I not get to know God intimately after living in a city alone with no family or friends.
I landed on my feet because of my faith in God.
I trust God to lead me. I have learned to wait and listen before making changes in my life. All any of us need is already in our soul.
We all have a journey. There is purpose for every soul.
Our personality or our ego/flesh is the tool that shows us where we need to change.
The people we encounter represent a mirror into the cracks in our soul. When we seek truth and search for the lesson our souls evolve.
As we grow we enlighten others and the soul just keeps growing and healing until we reach what is called nirvana or bliss or total enlightenment or self realization.
Whatever you call it, it is just knowing who you are, knowing what your purpose is and knowing that your purpose is greater than you.
Knowing that God lives in your soul and what your purpose is in this life is Heaven. It is a life without worry. It is a life lived listening and moving as God tells you to and not listening to the doubts others have about your life or your life choices. There really is not a man or woman alive that can reassure you of your purpose.
Only you and God know and that is ALL you have to know.

Just Love somebody damn it!!!  Love or Fear which will you choose?

My love is an inexhaustible stream

given at birth for me to give away

the only power i have

the only thing i could ever control

is my choice to love

i don’t have to chase it

or look for it

i am it

so i decide to love

right now

this second

giving you my love makes my love overflow

when i give it to you god gives me more

the only reason to be alive is to love

any other reason and you have chosen an unnecessary chore

excerpt from “the souls’ poetry” by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  pg 67

Fear robs us of so much. Today I have talked about love, thought a lot about love and read a lot about people wanting but fearing love.  It seems we all want love but we are afraid to love anyone cause we don’t want to hurt.

Yet people like me get criticized for just wanting to experience love in all its facets.  I am love so why wouldn’t I want to give this love away?   All we have really, to give, is love.  You can judge me and call me kooky.  But while you living in fear I am living in love.
I may get “hurt” 25 more times before I die but at least I lived and loved.  I may have 6 more relationships that fail (I hope not, that is why I am doing my work in therapy) but at least I have created some great memories and loved some wonderful people.

I don’t regret any love I have given and I will love the next lover  with as much fervency as the last.
This love is mine to give and it is inexhaustible.  At the end of my life you can say “She loved”

Just Love somebody damn it!!!  Love or Fear which will you choose?

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

#loveisallthatmatters