Spoils of mental illness

Spoils of mental illness

As I sit here looking at pictures of my family. I have an absolutely beautiful family. I am not complaining about anything just writing so this feeling will pass. That is what feelings do, they leave eventually. In therapy I learned to not ignore my feelings they are giving me a message or an opportunity to  shed another layer for healing. Everyday evolution is a fact to life.
Let me stay on topic. I was missing my family so much. God has miraculously given me six healthy babies. Six. But it gets even better, I had twins and triplets. I prayed as a little girl for a new family because the one I was experiencing was filled with hostility. There were no safe places. My soul hungered for the love I knew as a child would fix everything if only they would let it.

I remember the day exactly that I asked for another family. We were at some family gathering and my mother, my 2 aunts and my grandmother were  setting up the tables to play spades. But they were arguing about something and my aunt Essie was the target of their viscous venomous words. She was crying. She was my favorite aunt and they were making her feel bad about her weight. My aunt died to trying to be skinny.
This type of destructive energy existed at every family gathering until as an adult and after much therapy, I decided to no longer participate.

The point of this post is to say that what happened to me as a child caused my mental illness.  Depression was actually inevitable in that environment after being neglected and raped. PTSD could not be avoided. Some of us don’t have ptsd as a result of a trauma, but there are those like me that have had so many traumas that we kept recreating traumatic situations in an effort to heal. Or, that is what is familiar to us however uncomfortable.

My sacrifices are many when it comes to my healing. My family being the biggest sacrifice. I am grateful for the answered prayer for another family. Six healthy children, 14 healthy grandchildren within my 56 years. God willing there will eventually be many more souls that are a direct result of my prayer. These souls have chosen to come through my womb and be the start of the legacy of love I am deliberately creating.
I am grateful. I just miss my family and I was in my feelings and needed to write it out. I know I will be able to enjoy and influence my grandchildren face to face again. This move to Phoenix is what is supposed to happen and they will be here when it is time. I have no doubt this is where I am supposed to be. Once the healing came I could no longer stay in St. Louis.
Honestly sometimes I get in my feelings and feel sad and even angry that what happened to me cost me so much. But after writing through my feelings I am able to count my blessings.

I realize that God has given me exceedingly and abundantly above what I asked for, another family. A healthy family. A happy prosperous family. We love each other and when we all get together it is ALL LOVE. I love how my children work through their conflicts and disagreements. No matter what, they find love and let go of any animosity. I taught them that.  I showed them to the best of my ability what unconditional love is.

I have had an interesting life. It has been good. I look forward to enjoying life for a long time to come. I am working to leave a legacy of love in the universe. God has used me to bring forth a lot of love. I am grateful.
So at the end of the day. My soul chose these circumstances. This is the way it is supposed to be. I am who am because of EVERY experience I have had.

I am mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Beautiful Misery

Beautiful Misery
 This is a picture of  the year I turned 50, got serious about therapy for the neglect, abandonment and childhood sexual abuse/rape at 5 years old. The year I decided to  quit smoking, lost 60 lbs, and went back to school.
I was miserable and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had no direction and really did not know who I was.
This was before the breast reduction that decreased my pain by at least 50% and before I realized I did not need anyone to validate me.
thesoulspoet.com
#TherapyWorks #GirlGetYouSomeHelp #ThisWomanGotSomeHelp #BetterThanBefore
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You don’t get to choose who to love.

You don’t get to choose who to love.
You don’t get to choose who to love.
As an advocate of therapy, I often get backlash even from those in the field of helping us to heal, when I say society wont start to truly healing until we look at the entire problem.
We cant just allow the victims to “Heal themselves” alone. I was raped at the age of five and life before then was horrific. I did not get serious and commit to therapy until I was 50. My family did not inquire about my 3 1/2 solid years of therapy. I walked many miles alone taking a total of four busses.
I went to therapy no matter the weather. I walked in the snow, wind chills below zero and the thunder and lighting, because it was life or death for me. I could not bear the weight pain any longer. The stigma of the crazy label didn’t sting worse than the flashbacks and nightmarish symptoms of ptsd.
 
I don’t give anybody a pass or excuse. I just want us to mean what we say. We are quick to say “Hurt people hurt people” but we don’t help ALL of the hurting people. We talk about God’s love that supposedly resides in our souls, but we find it hard to forgive and love those that are the most needing of compassion.
 
I really don’t believe that everyone will make the commitment to heal but I believe if we support healing for ALL we can start to clean up this insidious sickness in our society. Our entire society is in need of healing.
 
Men need to accept responsibility for any behavior that hurts their mothers, daughter’s and all women.
We need to start raising our boys to NOT Rape instead of teaching our daughters how not to be raped.
Also as women we have been taught that it is always our fault and men cant help themselves.
My mother said the reason her boyfriend tried to get in bed with me was because he was drunk and high. I am sure there are completely evil people in our society, but there are also people dealing with the guilt of what they have done. I am not saying pardon them. I am asking to extend some compassion to encourage and support the healing for all.
I think of my three brothers, two of them committed suicide by drinking themselves to death before the age of 38. I tried many times to reach out to my youngest brother but the stigma was stronger than his will to accept my help.
My family referred to me as the crazy sister because I went to therapy. It hurt but I knew that I could only show instead of tell them about therapy. They have all witnessed what therapy has done for me. Many are now seeking therapy for themselves.

Trusting Self First

Trusting Self First

I have learned to trust myself. This is huge for someone that has experienced trauma especially as a child under the age of six. These children have been programed to believe that not one person cares enough to protect or save them. It takes a lot of therapy and rewiring the brain to have happy positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you be the default.

It did get worse before it got better. But the other side of the middle passage of pain is beautiful.

I listened to Brene Brown’s “The Anatomy of Trust” and it confirmed for me that I am healed enough to be true to my intuition, gut feeling or voice of God. Whatever you call knowing what is right for you, I trust that more than I trust people. As long as I stay in the will of God I trust everything will be alright.

https://youtu.be/ewngFnXcqao

Mind Control

Mind Control

I am grateful that I can control me. If we master ourselves anything else is a cake walk. There was a time when I was so fragile psychologically that my family would withhold information from me in fear of how any bad news would affect me.

This year I am sitting in the home I have created for myself. I am happy, safe and more importantly, I am a prayer warrior  not a chronic worrier. I can take the bad news. I don’t take most things personally.

I have recovered from the fragile state of depression and anxiety. I still struggle from time to time but a stumble is better than the drastic falls I had before therapy.  I sacrificed a lot for my healing. I wish I had committed to healing sooner.

The root of bitterness has been destroyed. I am the master of my soul.

Triggered, but my soul reminded me, I am Queen. “I am the soul’s poet.”

Triggered, but my soul reminded me, I am Queen. “I am the soul’s poet.”
This is why I am the souls’ poet. I thought my computer was broken because I dropped it on the floor and it was giving me an error message to call Dell. I started freaking out because I was already stressing about having so much to do but still having a lot of pain. I began to cry and want to go home to St. Louis. I questioned myself about why I am here in Phoenix.
Pain is my biggest trigger. Pain leaves me feeling defeated. It makes me want to fight. That is what I am, at my core I am a fighter.
Maybe the Universe wants me to allow and surrender instead of fighting.
I have found ways to manage my pain and thought the days of tears from pain were over.  I would say however, that about 80% of my chronic pain is gone due to lifestyle changes I have made that included therapy, quitting smoking 7 years ago, losing weight, moving to a warmer climate and becoming more active.
I have been able to function without any pain medication for months but the training for my work at home job left me depleted and after going home to bury my mother in September my pain has increased.  I have been slowly getting back to myself.  Maybe I just need to be still for a while.
I am going to go see a pain specialist for the remaining pain in my neck, shoulder, upper back, my arm, hand, wrist and fingers. This doctor does not automatically write a prescription but treats the specific area first before prescribing a pill. Chronic pain wears on you like an obnoxious noise that becomes too much to bear, leaving you with a feeling of needing to escape. This feeling of needing to flee is the trigger.
Thank God for therapy and I know that “This is now and not then.” I guess I will always have to deal with triggers but now after therapy I have knowledge and I have tools to get back to feeling safe again.
 
To say I was feeling like giving up is putting it mildly, I felt devastated. I was worrying about how I was going to get my business up and running. All I think about lately is GirlGetYouSomeHelp.com. Now that I have a launch date I feel the pressure of being productive everyday.
 
I sat down and prayed, turned on the computer and it was working properly.
My soul reminded me of who I be. These words came out of me like water. I promise you that my soul wrote this to let me know just how powerful I am. I don’t have to stress or freak out because something feels a certain way. I am not my feelings. God is still in control.

Shine
I have been made in the fire,
laid out in the sun to become ashes
that fall upon my body and burn away the pain,
I know if I make through this,
after what I already made it through
a 100 facet diamond will have nothing on my glow,
my shine so bright that all night flees in the wake of me,
the powerful one able to look at the sun,
the one that gives life from the womb,
the one who holds up the moon and shoots stars around mars and can be the diamond that all diamonds aspire to be,
you cant see me because I be in your soul,
want to find me,
you want to be a kind like me,
but you will never be
because it is only your own shine
that will nurture you soul and make you whole.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

11.15.17

The truth is…..

The truth is…..
Honestly, almost all of my relationships have been abusive in some way, even my relationships with women. But the scary part is, I did not know it at times.
One day over 25 years ago, while in the midst of a deep depression that had left me unable to function I called the crisis hotline. I wanted to die to alleviate the emotional pain that had become unbearable. Suicide is more about wanting to stop the pain.
The woman on the phone asked me a series of questions, after which she said, “Yvette you are in an abusive relationship.” She said, “Although your husband is not hitting you he is emotionally and financially abusive.”
She gave me some resources for counseling. That is where my healing journey began.
It took many years of stopping and starting therapy before finally making a commitment to see what the end could be. I chose to Love me more than I had been trying to love the people in my life. It has been seven years. I have received a phenomenal return on my investment.
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp