pulling up the bitter root

It is very humbling when sitting with the consequences of choices made. I have really been wrestling with some stuff that was really starting to win the battle to take me under.

If I am acting weird that means I need you.

I know that when we have a family member that we don’t understand it can be hard to love them. Sometimes our loved ones may act strange. Similar to what I have been going through, I had so much anxiety that it was literally consuming me.

Truth has a bitter sting.

I am feeling better having accepted some hard truths. I was guilt-tripping myself so badly, I was whipping my own ass. I really was not comfortable in my own skin because I was dealing with shame. In order to be truly free of baggage, garbage or just some negative stuff, that was haunting me, I had to face it head-on. I am so very grateful that I never felt that God had left me or that I would not be delivered.

I was dealing with some depression, but I knew it was situational, it was hard. Growth hurts and if somebody says they grew and didn’t shed some tears or feel any emotional pain and probably some physical pain, they are lying and the truth ain’t in them as my grandmother would say.

I thank God for my free therapy. I thank God for all of the people that have poured into me as I struggled with my truths.

I wanted to run and yes it was overwhelming at times, but I trust the process and I tapped into my support system. I came out on the other side better able to reclaim my freedom.

Look y’all I am passionate about mental illness, mental health, and intimate partner violence as well as childhood sexual trauma because I struggle every day with these issues. PTSD is no joke and part of it is anxiety and depression. I believe we are slowing waking up to the importance of the mind being healthy. We are starting to see the mind-body connection and that everything really is everything. I am grateful for the education I have received through therapy and my own curious passion. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has used and will continue to use me to save lives by telling my truth so that they can be encouraged to heal.

I was so very angry at myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. But where is the lesson if I did not stop and acknowledge that the truth is, I still have some more healing to do.

The shame, disappointment, and fear of losing the image I had of myself was being challenged and I was seeing the places that needed some light and love. I had to do it with just me and God.  I had to have that positive funk experience.

Once I saw the silver lining, I was good. I had my ah-ha sigh of relief. Once I gleaned something that increases my understanding of myself and others, it is time for celebration. I Celebrate that I did make it over to the other side of depression. I did cope with anxiety. With help from my friends, and family, even my Facebook, Instagram and my blog flowers support me with good energy and encouraging words.

My longtime friends keep me grounded with the truth. I don’t want to go through that again. It had been years since I have felt depressed. The whole time in Phoenix I did not get depressed but I did have some anxiety, but the sunshine and blue skies were right outside my door and art, music and education were everywhere. God provided my every need in a City where I really didn’t know anyone. But it was time to take another layer off the onion of healing. So I was led to come home and I am so happy that I did. I have no regrets.

I heal out loud so that other women don’t have to die by silence.

I dwell in Truth’s freedom.

Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 9.5.19.12.02

 

Advertisements

Undo to Heal

Therapy was really good yesterday, my understanding of abandonment has grown. Children will seek approval of their parents even if the parent was abusive. It is just the nature of childhood.

I was abandoned by my mother at six and suffered severe neglect and rape.

I have been recreating the scenario of abandonment over and over subconsciously hoping for a different outcome. Hoping she would finally show up and give the unconditional love I deserved. I have been choosing partners just like my mother.  Ones that would leave or abuse.  My core belief has been that people will leave you, people will hurt you and not have any conscious about it.

It was always my fault that she is a bad person. My mother never admitted to what happened to me. I was a liar, a bad seed. It was not that bad, even though I was home alone, dirty and had no clean clothes or nothing to eat. My uncle had to break a window to get me out of the roach-infested apartment. I don’t know where my mother was.

My aunt had to scrub the dirt off my body.

This was a very hard truth to accept. My mother is dead and I wanted her to stay dead. But if I truly want to heal, at last, I had to look at her and what happened to me on her watch. I have long ago forgiven her.  I loved my mother. but that did not erase what happened and how it affected me.

The undo had to happen.

I understand now that until the pain of abandonment, neglect, and abuse are processed and the root of bitterness is excavated I will keep seeking approval from the abuser. I am grateful for all of my experiences. I look for the silver lining in every situation. I want my pain to serve a purpose. I need my pain to be the catalyst for someone else’s healing. I don’t want my living to be in vain, so I share this journey in hopes that others won’t wait until 50 to heal. I pray that healing comes soon and swiftly for all that are hurting.

I am calling this the season of my next level healing. I could be embarrassed about doing this healing process at 58. I choose instead to appreciate that at least I got it and I am literally destroying the trauma cycle for my entire family for generations to come. The work I do in therapy may not be appreciated by my children or grandchildren and that is okay. God knows the sacrifice. God knows my heart that wants to protect them 

It is all starting to make sense to me now. Therapy has helped explain why I have been doing the same thing over and over even until my detriment. Our subconscious mind is so powerful that we do things mindlessly. We are unaware until we have the courage to face the truth about ourselves and those that have hurt us we will not heal. 

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp♥️

We need each other, y’all.

STRUGGLE? A lot of times I am called “harsh” because I don’t really have a lot of pity for people that whine about their BLESSINGS. If you have not struggled you have no idea what struggle is. Nothing gets under my skin more than women gossiping and tearing other women down. We need each other, y’all.
I was an 18-year-old girl with 3 children that included twins living in my grandmother’s basement. I was married but he was a drug addict and wife beater. I had to flee from him to keep me and my children safe. After leaving him I was getting up before dawn to catch two buses to school and then catch another bus to work a part-time job after school only to get home at 10:30 at night.
I did the very best I could. I made some bad decisions but I was a child myself that had been abandoned by my mother I did not have a clue how to mother.
I wish my community and family had helped me and not judged me. Something very bad happened to me before I even started kindergarten and that is why I behaved as I did. My passion and my purpose for helping women come from my own struggle. #StopWhining #GodIsGreat#BeGrateful

Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

Beautiful Misery

This is a picture of  the year I turned 50, got serious about therapy for the neglect, abandonment and childhood sexual abuse/rape at 5 years old. The year I decided to  quit smoking, lost 60 lbs, and went back to school.
I was miserable and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had no direction and really did not know who I was.
This was before the breast reduction that decreased my pain by at least 50% and before I realized I did not need anyone to validate me.

You don’t get to choose who to love.

You don’t get to choose who to love.
As an advocate of therapy, I often get backlash even from those in the field of helping us to heal, when I say society wont start to truly healing until we look at the entire problem.
We cant just allow the victims to “Heal themselves” alone. I was raped at the age of five and life before then was horrific. I did not get serious and commit to therapy until I was 50. My family did not inquire about my 3 1/2 solid years of therapy. I walked many miles alone taking a total of four busses.
I went to therapy no matter the weather. I walked in the snow, wind chills below zero and the thunder and lighting, because it was life or death for me. I could not bear the weight pain any longer. The stigma of the crazy label didn’t sting worse than the flashbacks and nightmarish symptoms of ptsd.
 
I don’t give anybody a pass or excuse. I just want us to mean what we say. We are quick to say “Hurt people hurt people” but we don’t help ALL of the hurting people. We talk about God’s love that supposedly resides in our souls, but we find it hard to forgive and love those that are the most needing of compassion.
 
I really don’t believe that everyone will make the commitment to heal but I believe if we support healing for ALL we can start to clean up this insidious sickness in our society. Our entire society is in need of healing.
 
Men need to accept responsibility for any behavior that hurts their mothers, daughter’s and all women.
We need to start raising our boys to NOT Rape instead of teaching our daughters how not to be raped.
Also as women we have been taught that it is always our fault and men cant help themselves.
My mother said the reason her boyfriend tried to get in bed with me was because he was drunk and high. I am sure there are completely evil people in our society, but there are also people dealing with the guilt of what they have done. I am not saying pardon them. I am asking to extend some compassion to encourage and support the healing for all.
I think of my three brothers, two of them committed suicide by drinking themselves to death before the age of 38. I tried many times to reach out to my youngest brother but the stigma was stronger than his will to accept my help.
My family referred to me as the crazy sister because I went to therapy. It hurt but I knew that I could only show instead of tell them about therapy. They have all witnessed what therapy has done for me. Many are now seeking therapy for themselves.

I grew up at 50 in Therapy.

Until I began therapy and parented the abused, neglected and abandoned little girl in me I was stuck playing victim.  It was truly the only role I knew how to play.  The only coping skills I actually had were the ones I had when I was raped at five.  I would hear people say to me all the time, “stop playing the victim”.  Until I worked hard to process those feelings and to unlearn bad coping skills I was doomed to behaving immaturely.

After therapy I have an understanding of self that empowers me to change.

Group Therapy

it is, has been and always will be the words that save us,

all of us,

any of us can be affected

by words we speak and the ones spoken to us

I love them so much

with out the words we would not be able to create new realities for ourselves

all of us are essentially the sum total of words we have thought, spoken, written or heard and seen

 

I heard some words on Sunday that changed my whole perspective

it had a ripple affect

I called my mother and our words helped us heal and reconnect,

but that phone call was the result of many words

along this journey to healing

words have taught me about myself and the world around me

words have shown me where the pathology is rooted

words have given me solutions and testimonies of others

words have inspired courage to continue working on healing

even when the words were to traumatizing to be spoken

except in the heart and mind

 

words have been gleaned from my sisters

the ones that have chosen to share this part of our journey together

we have spoken the words that have healed and supported

our words have been used to say “I feel you sister”

sometimes those words were spoken with a nod of the head

or a look in the eyes with tears as the only evidence of words

that say, I understand

 

I will miss my sisters, we have changed together right here in this room

thank you for using your words to help me grow, heal and know I am never alone

there are women who really understand my pain and that heals us all on a lot of levels

let us please continue to use our word to heal

I have been in group therapy since January for childhood sexual abuse.  We have only a couple of weeks left.  It has been nothing less than grueling WORK.  I am blessed to be a part of a group of women sincerely dedicated to healing and moving on to inspire others to heal.

I will miss us and the place we shared the deepest parts of ourselves that had been buried.  I am grateful for the safe place at the YWCA Women’s Resource Center.  I cant find the words to express my appreciation for the support and guidance received at the center not just from my individual therapist but also for my group therapy facilitator.  The biggest contribution to my personal healing though, are the women who were brave and courageous enough to share their words with me through telling their painful  stories and their deliberate commitment to healing.

It has been worth it, we are better.  We did it and it is one of the most loving things we have done for ourselves and those that are watching and cheering us on so they can believe in the trans-formative power of Understanding self.

In The Arms Of My Angel

I don’t care what anybody ever tells you.

it is the human touch that heals the soul

it is the yearning and craving of touch

that causes us to seek a crutch

I don’t know about you

but honestly

I have those days

when no matter the waves of sunshine

brought by compliments of others

it is still for me and always will be

the arms of someone who loves me

willing to hold

until my tears bring relief

as I struggle to be whole

I’m not there yet and I can’t afford

to give away my goodness before I know

if you are the one that will hold me

as I repair my soul

please my sweet angel

come hold me so my soul can fly higher

9.24.13 mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Healing is a process and I have stopped forcing the memories back into my subconscious.  I am optimistic about my healing, but the truth of it is.  I have to cry, I have to remember and that is not easy.  Doing it alone sometimes makes me sad because I endured it alone.  But, I am comforted by my Angels’ constant presence.  In those moments when I feel most alone.  I sense my Angel holding me and wiping my tears.  She tells me that this will pass and on the other side is relief.  She has not lied to me yet.  Tears release endorphin’s that make us feel better.  I am going to keep moving forward.  There is no stopping me now~