I approve of me

Before Therapy, I gave away my power because I did not value myself. I thought I deserved mistreatment. I constantly sought approval from those that did not deserve me.

After Therapy, I stand up for myself. I don’t allow anyone to mistreat me. I set clear boundaries and have the strength and value of self to enforce them. #therapyworks

What is the Evidence?

One therapy-tool that I use frequently is asking myself a simple question. “What is the evidence to support the thought?”
If I am dwelling on an imaged wrong it can be put to rest with a simple, “what is the evidence of that?”
In the past my abusers had a way of turning things around to make it appear that I was the one with the problem. Not anymore. I see right through the BS much quicker now.
#therapyworks #getyousome

We find each other, the ones that seek love. The price of love is truth.

There are days when you come face to face with self.  These are usually the hardest days of your life.  In one moment, you will decide what the rest of your life will look like.  There are only two choices.  Choose the path of fear that tells you this is all you will ever be or have, so you might as well get what you can.  You do not believe you deserve anything more and your life will stop.  You will be living a lie.  If your life is a lie then your life is a waste.

 

The great thing is the other choice is the path to self-love that leads to unconditional love for others because you have it for yourself.  Unconditional does not mean you expect less of yourself.  It really demands that you take responsibility for the choices you have made thus far.  This will empower you to make wiser choices.  The choices that serve your “Highest” good and   that are the absolute for your purpose.

 

This path to truth will try everything you say you are.  Only the path of love will help you evolve to another level of self.  A more authentic soul is all most of us desire.  When it is all said and done, we just want to serve and we accept that means some days we will be alone but the journey to love is not lonely.  Love does not hurt.

 

We find each other, the ones that seek love.  The price of love is truth.

~~~~~mozayik “the souls’ poet

 

Celebrate with me but, Please no Pity

Celebrate with me my healing.  Pity has not served me well.  I am done with pity parties. I tell my story so that some woman, girl, boy or man can believe they can heal.  I tell it so someone can know that their pain does not define who they can become.  I tell it so that my soul can no longer be in bondage to the secrets and shame.  I tell my story to show you can overcome tragedy and triumph.  I want others to feel empowered to tell their stories in hopes that we can save lives.  Secrets kill and I want to live.

 

Emotional Boundaries? Girl,I am doing my work!

It has been a while since my last post. I have been putting my mental and physical health first. I seek to be whole. I am ready for truth. I await my teachers. Bring me my answers, show me how to go in and bring out the gift. This is my prayer.

I have been reflecting because my homework from my therapist is for me to look at my emotional and physical boundaries. All of my relationships with men and women have been abusive in some way, except for maybe two, and those two people are still a part of my life.

I am asking myself some hard questions lately. Why do I partner with abusive people? Why do I partner with people who need me to take care of them? I am seeing the patterns. I am committed to taking the time and energy to do what is necessary to change my thinking so I make better choices. My relationships have not been healthy but that does not mean future relationships are doomed to be a repeat of the past, especially if I do the work.

So much has happened since my last blog post. This journey is mine uniquely. Others may have been able to endure what I have and not be as affected. Others still, did not survive and have severe mental illness, addictions or have committed suicide. We do not know why some are affected more or less than others.

I have given up feeling guilty because it appears to have been harder for me than someone else “getting over it”. We all have own limits. PTSD is Post/After Trauma Stress Disorder the very name describes a disorder in the way a person handles stress physiologically, psychologically and certainly emotionally get so tired of people saying, “Let it go, it happened so long ago, get over it, and move on”

I am now finally learning how to move on. I started taking care of people at the age of eleven. I married at 17, again at 25 and again at 38 along the way having twins and triplets. This is the first time in my life the only person I have to take care of is myself. Now is the perfect time to devote to “getting over” this. I am creating my best life. My likelihood of having a healthy, loving, and honest relationship increases every time I go to therapy even when my body is taunting me with pain.

Any way I may have digressed, I think one main reason that my partners turned out to be abusive, (they did not seem abusive in the beginning), is I do not have well established emotional boundaries. I never even considered this concept until my therapist brought it up.I am an open book and I was proud of it until now. Being too emotionally open has allowed people into parts of me they did not deserve access to. I gave them a map to my buttons by telling all of my darkest secrets and fears. All the things I felt guilty about or felt ashamed of were deliberately used to their advantage. Well, not anymore. I am a survivor. I always figure out the way through difficult situations.I am strong enough to write about the past and still live in the now.

I still have some work to do, but the hardest part is over. Now I can work on the side effects. The images, memories, and the feelings that accompanied them don’t take me hostage while robbing me of my breath.

I will definitely tell y’all about it when the time is right. But, it will be soon. I am now working on the final touches for the book. I have a feeling that now is the time to give my gift away to the world.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Love Chase

All of my life

I’ve been risking it all.

Fall after fall

I kept getting up,

running,

trying to catch the next heart.

Broken up with lies,

“we” never arriving to a destination

that had no beginning

or ending for its’ route.

 

Emotions roll,

we separate,

trying to be whole by

fixing the holes in our souls

and so it goes, “we”

wearing many faces

until we finally admit

that our addictions

are the vehicles

we use to chase love.

 

The tragedy of this reality is

we search all over,

only to find

we had it all along,

it is our home.

We travel far

looking for ourselves.

In our own hearts

are the answers,

that is where you find your love.

Once you find it,

the only way to keep it

is to give it away

by mozayik “the souls’ poet” 121712

 

Repeat

you see I am holding on the best I can

but I don’t see you there extending

the hand that rubbed my body

and released it from pain

the hand you held out to me

has now changed

where it was smooth and healing

it is rough and cutting and cold

tearing my secrets apart

I have to take care of me

I was wrong to offer myself incomplete

I will go to make myself whole

but I know I wont need your hand anymore

I want and deserve more

I will never change you into what I need

you will forever let me chase and bleed

I am strong enough now

so go ahead take your bow

out of this, is what I need

if I am ever going to get back to me

I was born with what I need to take care of me

my biggest red flag should have been

“Baby, I want to take care of your every need.”

silly ole me

tired of the trickery

no longer able to see the difference

between me and we

again

here I am

with me

and I’ve learned the hard way

this is the safest place to be

ill be glad when I stop trying

to recreate what she

did to me when I was three

so off I go to therapy

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

I am learning much about myself in therapy. I am looking at my patterns and why they are there. This therapy stuff is no joke if you really do the work.” I am doing my work” (in my Iyanla Vanzant voice). I go every Monday now since school started. I have not been able to really get into the Childhood Sexual Trauma therapy yet because I had to deal with my family crisis. My assignment this week is to take an event that was abusive and write about it. This is going to be hard because just talking about in therapy I started to hyperventilate, my heart started racing and I had pain in my chest. If this is what I need to do to stop repeating the same scenario in my life then I will do what needs to be done so I can have the healthiest relationships I can. Especially the one I have with self. I will keep y’all posted. I am finding my truth in therapy.