to the next lover, she grew up

I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.

That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.

My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.

With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.

Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.

I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.

I am enough for me.

Advertisements

the goodbye poem

it is a sad commentary that our love would end like this

you may not feel anything or don’t even care

my heart is breaking cause

i know this time i don’t have any more love to give you

so you can throw it back in my face

discard me like gum on the bottom of your shoe

i have always been there for you

rescuing, rescuing and rescuing you over and over

only for you to discard, devalue me

i am stronger than your bullying

i know i have been a good woman to you

both of us know i don’t deserve for you

to shut down and treat me as if i am a bothering irritation

i don’t have any more

i hurt

i have hurt

i  give

i have given

been there and gave whatever was needed for our life

i wanted to be your wife

you said we would be together forever

i believed we could make it or else

i would not have come back

but your mistreatment has for the last time

driven me out of the door

all of your excuses don’t mean shit to me anymore

burned all my bridges running back and forth to you

but god got me

i will be alright

will you?

because you will miss me deeply

someone and i hate to say this but it is true,

will treat you worse than you did me

i don’t wish that for you

but you can’t miss the reaping you must do

i will pray for you

we could have ended better

we should have been better than this

why would i stay where i am not wanted

i don’t know how i am going to make it

but i know god knows that i deserve better

i hope better for you

but i am through

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

Positive Funk

Positive Funk

is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song

you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this  funky place you be

but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up

you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share  it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you

it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the  negative emotions

but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose

positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways

positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley

this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you

you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

pulling up the bitter root

It is very humbling when sitting with the consequences of choices made. I have really been wrestling with some stuff that was really starting to win the battle to take me under.

If I am acting weird that means I need you.

I know that when we have a family member that we don’t understand it can be hard to love them. Sometimes our loved ones may act strange. Similar to what I have been going through, I had so much anxiety that it was literally consuming me.

Truth has a bitter sting.

I am feeling better having accepted some hard truths. I was guilt-tripping myself so badly, I was whipping my own ass. I really was not comfortable in my own skin because I was dealing with shame. In order to be truly free of baggage, garbage or just some negative stuff, that was haunting me, I had to face it head-on. I am so very grateful that I never felt that God had left me or that I would not be delivered.

I was dealing with some depression, but I knew it was situational, it was hard. Growth hurts and if somebody says they grew and didn’t shed some tears or feel any emotional pain and probably some physical pain, they are lying and the truth ain’t in them as my grandmother would say.

I thank God for my free therapy. I thank God for all of the people that have poured into me as I struggled with my truths.

I wanted to run and yes it was overwhelming at times, but I trust the process and I tapped into my support system. I came out on the other side better able to reclaim my freedom.

Look y’all I am passionate about mental illness, mental health, and intimate partner violence as well as childhood sexual trauma because I struggle every day with these issues. PTSD is no joke and part of it is anxiety and depression. I believe we are slowing waking up to the importance of the mind being healthy. We are starting to see the mind-body connection and that everything really is everything. I am grateful for the education I have received through therapy and my own curious passion. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has used and will continue to use me to save lives by telling my truth so that they can be encouraged to heal.

I was so very angry at myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. But where is the lesson if I did not stop and acknowledge that the truth is, I still have some more healing to do.

The shame, disappointment, and fear of losing the image I had of myself was being challenged and I was seeing the places that needed some light and love. I had to do it with just me and God.  I had to have that positive funk experience.

Once I saw the silver lining, I was good. I had my ah-ha sigh of relief. Once I gleaned something that increases my understanding of myself and others, it is time for celebration. I Celebrate that I did make it over to the other side of depression. I did cope with anxiety. With help from my friends, and family, even my Facebook, Instagram and my blog flowers support me with good energy and encouraging words.

My longtime friends keep me grounded with the truth. I don’t want to go through that again. It had been years since I have felt depressed. The whole time in Phoenix I did not get depressed but I did have some anxiety, but the sunshine and blue skies were right outside my door and art, music and education were everywhere. God provided my every need in a City where I really didn’t know anyone. But it was time to take another layer off the onion of healing. So I was led to come home and I am so happy that I did. I have no regrets.

I heal out loud so that other women don’t have to die by silence.

I dwell in Truth’s freedom.

Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 9.5.19.12.02

 

Domestic Violence? HEAL EVERYBODY

She asked, “Don’t you think you are overestimating your influence when it comes to domestic violence. How can you be seen as credible?”
This comment gave me insight into how a Narrcist operates.
I said, “No. I keep it real and tell the truth about this insidious sickness in our society. I was called to live out loud so other women (especially African American lesbians) can have a relatable example.
Women need to know what healing really is about. Healing is messy and it is not linear. We will have times in our lives when it seems we can’t get it together but I am here to say, “Even if you take 10 steps back it does not mean you can’t move forward, learn from it and get better.”
I have to be authentic. Or else I have no voice or influence. Domestic Violence Awareness means we have to tell our TRUE stories. 
A truth that most don’t want to look at or have not considered si that the offender and the victim both need healing. Until we recognize and embrace that  FACT we will continue the cycle of Abuse.
God loves us all. God wants all to be healed. We all have access to the unlimited supply of healing. Until we embrace supporting ALL through healing. WE WILL NOT HEAL.

NO, and NO I am not alone.

Whew! I am one of those people. The kind that starts immediately looking for the lesson in the situation so it can be over with and I can move on in this journey of healing.

I lost it today as someone stood at the end of my bed. belittling me and talking to me as if I were a child. I forgive myself for giving her another chance. She called and said what I wanted to hear and boom, right back to the same ole same ole dysfunction.  I asked for my possession and she refused to give it to me and I admit it. I lost it. I lunged at her from my hospital bed trying to get my car keys. she refused to give them to me so I got out of my bed and ran down the hospital hallway to get my keys. I got them too, but not without much embarrassment.

I learned that I do have a breaking point. We all do, but staying away from people that bring out the worst in me is the top priority. I am a force now because as I said, lessons are the most important. I really believe life is going to be filled with nothing but positivity. People that play with your mind are dangerous.

I am sorry for taking my family and friends with me on this journey to love. We don’t usually consider how our choices affect our loved ones that have witnessed you suffer needlessly. Healing is a process. Most women go back to an abuser 7 times before actually leaving and staying gone. I will talk more about that in upcoming blog posts.

I did not get real with therapy until I was 50 years old when I found myself cowered in the corner of my bedroom having flashbacks of when I was left home alone at 5. So this 8 year journey has been an education if nothing else. There have been gaps along the way but it has been probably a good 5 of those 8 were spent in therapy.

It became my mission to free myself and destroy patterns and pathologies in the family tree so that “we can rock the future generations without dysfunction”.

So anyway, let me get back to the point. I learned a lot about myself with these last, ugh, few uh, well let us call them revelations.

I learned that I was still co-dependent. I saw it from a different perspective by listening to my dear friend even though we have not ever met in person, Sherry Dickerson. She talked about needing to be needed was classic co-dependency.

I kinda sorta knew that but the way she put it just made all the circuits of codependency go off in my brain.

Finally, I really get it.

I will always go to therapy when things come up that I need support with, the best place to go is to a Mental Health Professional. That can not only listen and validate your feelings but will also give you tools to use while you heal.

I learned that I have been telling myself a lie about being alone.

My son and his wife and my grandson came to see me at the hospital. I did not call him and I should have. I did not want to bother him. That is that old tape playing in my head from childhood that says he is too busy to be bothered with me.

Let me say that none of my children have ever made feel bad about asking for help. I just don’t ask that is my issue. I see that and it does not serve my highest good to not allow my children to be there for me. It is a blessing for both parent and child when our children bless us with their care and concern.

My daughter checked on me throughout the evening and day.

Another son contacted to make sure I was okay.

I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of Facebook friends that prayed with and for me.

I have a great support system. My girlfriends have my back. These are friends from way back 30 or 40 years or more.

No matter what, even if they have to tell me I am wrong, they will still support whatever I decide to do with my life.

NO, and NO I am not alone. God is with me, and in me so I will always have love. I will not be dying alone. that is a lie from hellacious energy cause hell is right here on earth.

I learned how to let go. I am a Cancer so that is a hard one for me. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not stupid. I am kind. But when I realized that I can not trust you, and sometimes it takes me a long time because I have issues, but, baby, you get no more of my goodness. So I am working on keeping my goodies for the one that will appreciate them. I may have already overlooked her but I wasn’t ready. After all of the drama of the last few months, I am still not ready. That is a great place to be.

I learned that I am poised for greatness.

I also learned that my mouth could impede my growth.

I am a fighter. I fight back. I won’t allow you to do me any kind of way but on the flip side, I learned about my Trauma Brain and Trauma Bonding and a lot of other stuff about trauma and why some of us, especially survivors, keep having the same challenges.

I am even more committed to helping women. When I research and help you I am helping myself. As I encourage you, I encourage myself.

Believe me, I know when to quit, although it may appear that I don’t, and that is okay. I am going to continue letting God lead the way and keep on getting these lessons. This education will catapult me to the next level. I count it all joy, even the F*** ups. As long as we learn, hey, it is all good, right?

Thank you for letting me be myself again

Mozayik

8.18.19.4.41

Letting It Out (more room out than in)

Whew! today has been loooong. I feel like I need to shake it off, shake off all the energy that is not mine. So much has happened today. So much has changed I have been in deep thought about a lot of things. I have questioned my own motives for doing a thing. I know that great struggle will produce enormous growth. So I count it all Joy.

My therapist is leaving the YWCA. I am happy for her. I am happy that she is doing what will serve her highest good. I trust her. She has supported me through some pretty rough terrain since I moved back to St. Louis. One of the main reasons I moved back home was because I could not, no matter what I did, get any kind of therapy at all.

They said my income was too high. Really, umph, anyway, I went all that time without any therapy. Yeah, I was fine for the most part, but I had some struggles with anxiety. I was not depressed because I had a strong relationship with God. I had sunshine and the tools I learned in therapy. I had processed all of the trauma that was causing the depression. I know how to keep my joy.

Please let me say that I don’t regret anything. I needed what Phoenix taught but I knew it was time to come home. Even if no one else understood. There were many reasons that God led me back to St Louis. Me and God we good like that, I know and trust God to lead me. Wherever I am God is.

I learned so much from the therapy I had already had, but there were some missing pieces. Healing is a process. Like going to school, you graduate to different levels based on your understanding of the Curriculum.

Coming home and working with her has taken my understanding to the next level. I needed to understand why I have continued to have certain challenges.

She said I get it. I tackle a problem head-on. I don’t live in denial but choose to make the changes necessary to be at peace. I am not a whiner and if I complain about something, I am willing to be the change. After a few therapists, I realized what worked for me. Talking is good for some but in addition to that, I need something practical to do. I tell therapists that when I first meet them now.

I am rambling, I know, but I am a writer that spills her thoughts and feelings onto the page where it can make sense. I have learned the hard way that there is more room out than in. That was one of my grandmothers’ favorite sayings, “There is more room out than in.” but she was talking about farting. But it applies to our emotions as well. Holding things in will literally kill you.

So, thanks for listening y’all

I am breathing better now.

If none of this makes sense, please chalk it up to venting. Thanks for letting me be myself again.

mozayik

 

Trauma Bonding My Truth

Stopping the violence against women starts with telling the truth. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be going through this again but giving cover to abusers is no longer acceptable. Obviously, I have some more healing to do. Being Empathic can be deadly. I am transparent because that is what I am called to be. How else will women get the truth about what is really going on with us and why we keep doing the same thing over and over. We need to start talking about this very prevalent issue of Domestic violence.

I am so angry and that is a part of healing, but damn, I get double angry that the reason women like me keep choosing the same person over and over is that some A-hole did something to us so bad that it left us broken.

I still want to be a relatable example and the irony of it, is I AM A RELATABLE EXAMPLE. I am okay with that. Whatever is necessary for all o our healing.

This is my expression of truth in anger while I heal, reprogram my subconscious and continue on my purpose to do exactly what God called me to do. We can be free.

I have seen TOO MANY WOMEN living in fear all of my life. I am going to figure this ish out and help us all to understand and grow.

All of my abusers had this to say about me “That mouth of yours…..”

See, I am not going to allow you to talk to me any kind of way, so when I stand up for myself or try to enforce my boundaries they want to fight me because they can’t control me. But this scenario was familiar to me because of the programming of my subconscious as a child. All of my mother’s relationships were violent. As an infant, I was being wired to feel like this type of exchange between people that love each other is normal.

The part I play in all of it is not paying attention to the red flags or repeating the cycle all codependents go through. The cycle of  Rescuer, Victim, and Perpetrator.  I moved too fast in some situations and not so fast in others but no matter the circumstances I know now that I was only seeking healing. So here I go on this next therapy journey. I am assured by my therapist that this time healing won’t take as long. I am committed. It is my purpose

#GirlGetSomeHelp #TraumaBondingIsReal #NeverAgain

 

bleeding holey soul

she bled out onto the paper
and threw against the wall the tall tall
order to be perfect
she said take me as i am or take nothing at all
she cried unto mother god to please hear her call
she didn’t don’t want to fall
into the valley of despair
the dam wear and tear
on her psyche
to meet the image of her they have
she said i am a real person
with a soul
all i am trying to do is fix these holes

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
4.27.19 6.16p

breathe

being alone sucks when the clouds start to turn gray

and the memory of abuse is alive and well

the memories laugh and taunt

the breath though saves me

between the inhale and exhale

is where God restores my soul

I remember just like the last breath I took

this feeling of lonely will pass

I remember I am love

love is my super power

the next inhale comes to straighten my spine

the exhale releases all the indecision and doubt

the between the exhale and inhale

reminds me of my purpose

all my tears are stored

in between the inhale, the exhale,

the space where I release the energy that has

clogged my spiritual pores

in between the inhale and exhale

the space where my soul speaks

a language only God understands

by mozayik ‘the soul’ poet’

8.21.18