Happy, the Gift to Self

Happy, the Gift to Self
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After Therapy

Happiness is not just a word in a far away place

somewhere in no one’s land

happiness now makes perfect sense

it is a state for which we are meant live

from moment to moment

happiness resides now in my soul

it lives in all the little nooks and crannies

cut by all my broken pieces

mozayik is now whole

and the masterpiece

is bright,

colorful

trimmed in gold

in the places where trauma left it’s hole

happiness lives and dances in all of my dreams

all of my expectations are of happy everything

I swear I never thought i could exist

in a state of happiness

from moment to moment

I am not going to lie

there are moments when memories make me sad

but I now know how to not let the moments last

I honor and acknowledge my soul’s brave journey

if tears are in order I respectfully cry

but even with the memories I will be alright

cause I know that I now live in the light

that I can intentionally share

I am not looking for anything out there

because healing has brought me to knowing my own worth

I truly love me and am okay with self

it feels wonderful to just be and breath in peace

knowing that happiness is always available to me

and now I don’t have drudge through shit to see

that if I live moment to moment happiness is free

it is a  gift that I give freely to me

mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Healing does not equal “perfect” 

Have you ever fell down and cut your knee? Even if you were a child if the cut was deep I bet the scar is still there. Why is it then, that we expect someone healing from the effects of trauma to just get over it? Telling someone experiencing emotional pain how to heal is in the least arrogant. I pray that anyone that has lacked compassion for this healing journey will never be without sincere loving energy in their time of need. 

#healingiswork

Holding on to happy Is easy to do after therapy. 

I am literally loving the skin I am in. I have self-worth. There was a time in my life when I did not know what self-love felt like. After therapy I understand how to keep loving myself no matter the circumstances.   There have been  times in my life recently when I’ve been challenged to be who I say I am.

Before therapy I thought I really  trusted God,  and I did, according to my life experiences at that point in life.  I had to learn how to rely on the God in me. Because I am made in the image of God. I  have the God-given attribute to speak things into existence. God gave that attribute to all of us. I have experienced creating my desires with the words I have spoken. Before therapy I didn’t have the ability to trust anyone not even myself. I took personal what happened to me as a child.

After therapy I realize that I am able to take care of me and to protect myself. What happened in the past had nothing to do with me. I just happened to be caught in someone else’s hell or those were the circumstances my soul chose for my purpose in this lifetime.

I have been in   codependent relationships that relied on me being disabled in sort of way,  be it physical or psychological. We were both needy and dependant. It was not healthy because it enabled dysfunction.

My faith in God is strengthened after therapy.  I know God will provide me with the power to change the parts of my personality that do not serve me well. I am a work in progress and every day I am provided with opportunities to be better than the day before.  I have  self-worth. I know what I bring to the table of love. My spot in the Universe is important. I have confidence in my ABILITY to manifest the vision God has given me for my life. 

After therapy I still stumble and on occasion fall down but the difference is I don’t sit in it, or feel sorry for myself. I search for the Silver Lining my grandmother Mamie J Coopwood taught me could be found inside every cloud. The lesson gleaned provides the springboard to change. She also taught me that Practice makes perfect. So I believe without a doubt that the tools I practiced in  therapy will continue to provide support out in the REAL WORLD.   I am better today than yesterday but not as good as I will be tomorrow. I am grateful for God’s Grace and Mercy. Holding on to Happy is easy to do after therapy.  

Core Beliefs “dichotomies”

Thank God I am not my feelings.

I realized in therapy that one of my core beliefs was “I am not safe”. I am grateful for awareness and the ability to change that belief to “I am always protected by God’s Love. Always.

Cognitively I know that I am safe but if triggered I feel as if my life is at stake.  Before therapy I would run.  After therapy I can use my tools, like grounding, walking, talking, dancing or asking for help when all else fails.  Praying and going to church are the most effective when strongholds are at play.

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“crazy” woman talking (a personal trigger)

“crazy” woman talking (a personal trigger)

Calling someone crazy is the lowest of the low digs that an emotional antagonist uses to dismiss and discount someone with mental illness.  We with mental illness struggle to not feel, think, or appear crazy. It hurts worse when it comes from someone that has first hand knowledge of your struggle to overcome the stigma of mental illness.

Calling someone crazy is like throwing a dagger that lands in the middle of our heart and it stays there for days while we struggle to tell ourselves that we arenot crazy.

We are what happened to us.  We did not give ourselves P,T.S.D. or depression.

I have worked hard in therapy to undo what has been done unto me and to call me crazy invalidates every thing I have sacrificed to be make myself whole.

Calling me crazy triggers me to a place that is hard to return.  The spirits of the past are all too willing to remind me of what happened to me.  I have to fight to keep from falling into the deep hole of depression.

In the past it took me weeks, even months to return to a place of peace where I control the thoughts and images that enter my mind.  I mean, really?, do people really think  I enjoy this shit?  I isolate because I am bruised and cant stand for anyone to look at me feeling defeated.   I want to disappear and not have to deal with the exhaustion of fighting an invisible enemy.

Depression

I feel it licking at my heels

it pulls and laughs at me

challenging me

I have to dig deep

pull out what God has given me for this storm

God can you hear me

as I scream from the depth of my soul

no sound

bound

it is grabbing my ankles

its slithers up my legs

when it reaches my heart

I am full

I burst when it reaches my mind

I sling slander in my path

so you wont hinder my form of descent

into the pits of hell

depression says

sunshine blue skies seem so far a way

But God, when I reach my lowest

the light is waiting

it holds me

it consoles me

I breath in the energy

I need to make this reappearance sweet

I retreat

the light of love

heals me with relief

I remember

whose I am

free

breath

peace

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Resentment (it is a state of mind)

Resentment (it is a state of mind)

Resentment equals un-forgiveness.  Letting go is healthy.  Holding grudges is a poison that erodes every relationship, especially the one we have with ourselves.  Loving ourselves includes not letting animosity rent space in our hearts or heads.

10-steps-letting-go-resentment

 

A mother’s thoughts on father’s day “the truth”

It is time to tell the truth.  As a man, a father and a husband you failed all of us.  As your wife you mistreated me, devalued me and abused me physically, financially and psychologically.  As your wife I laid down my life and entire body for your pleasure and happiness.  I literally gave you my soul trying to get you to give me what I rightfully deserved because I was your wife.  the minute you realized that I was waking up to your mistreatment you went into over drive to destroy me.

You vowed to honor, cherish and protect me and you did none of these things.

During my time living with you I was made to feel dispensable.  I gave you children by actually abusing my body with injections from hormones and going under the knife of three surgeries.  I poured everything of me into you, the children, the home and the community.  When I became aware of your abuse and started down the path to healing you refused to do what was needed to save our family.

But I get all the blame and you get all the glory.

When my children put you on a pedestal I am continually traumatized because I want to scream to the top of my voice that this man did everything within his power to destroy and cast me aside as if I was of no value.

Mr. man the father of my children your children should know what you have deliberately done to their mother.

On mother’s day I don’t get cards or presents declaring their love for me at least not until recently that one of our sons took me to lunch and the other promised dinner that I have yet to receive.

You did not teach them to honor me but I taught them to honor you.  Those Father’s day cards they gave you growing up were bought with my money when I took them to the store and told them to buy.

It is time to finally tell my truth about you.  During our marriage you were despicable in your behavior towards me.  I did not deserve what you did to me.  You called me a stupid bitch even before we were married and you treated me like a stupid bitch the entire marriage.  You need to take ownership for the way you treated the woman that risked her live to give you children.

I was a great wife and mother and yes I said great.  I was the reason your children were healthy, smart and protected.  I kept your house clean, I cooked from scratch three hot meals everyday.  All you had to do was go to work and come home.

I did all that I could to make you happy but you still mistreated me.  On mothers day you would not even tell me happy mothers day and that still hurts to this day.  My needs were never a priority.  I gave you my blood and you threw it back in my face.  My oldest child would say to me “Mama why do you bend over backwards to please him when he treats you like shit?” That is when I knew I had to leave you.  I did not want her to think that this is how relationships should be.  My youngest child stood in front of us both and asked you, “Daddy why do you talk to mama like you talk to us?”  in other words a five year old child could see that your treatment of me was abusive.  I was not treated as an equal partner with value.  You treated me as if I was in the way.  I asked you for a divorce and you told me no because you were waiting until the children were 18 and then you were going to divorce me.

I need the truth to be told about your character as a man.  I begged you to go to counseling or to a minister so we could talk about saving our marriage, our family but you adamantly refused.  I told you I was unhappy and you told me that was not your problem.  You always had this tremendous animosity towards me as if I had somehow single-handedly destroyed your life.  You did not own your shity ways.  You set it up so that you got all the credit and I all the blame.

You plotted against me with your lawyer to destroy me “the mother of your children”.  I deserved honor.  I deserved respect.  I needed protecting but you cast me away like old shoes that had become uncomfortable and unsightly.

During the marriage I admit that some of my behavior was confusing but I needed help not judgment and criticism.  I remember lying in bed trying to explain to you that I was having flash backs and memories of my childhood sexual abuse.  Your response was I don’t want to hear that I am not your therapist.  I could fill a book with the disrespecting and demeaning comments you made to me.

I know now that because of the many traumas I suffered in my life I have PTSD and I was being constantly triggered by your abusive behavior and that resulted in my chronic suicidal depression.  I needed help.

Even after all I sacrificed for you, all that I gave to you I was the enemy.

Because you could not control me for your purposes I became something you needed to get rid of as soon as you had used me for your agenda.

You promised to honor me, to cherish me and to protect me until death separated us.  I did everything within my power to stay with you until I realized that you had no concern for my well being.  You just wanted me gone and were not willing to compromise or work on the marriage.

YOU FAILED ALL OF US.  If being the head is what you wanted you failed your family miserably.  You took my children and then didn’t do right by them.  You worked second shift everyday.  They spent weekends with me.  You would not answer your phone during the day. While the children were at school you were unavailable.  I was the parent the school called. I was the parent that attended the open houses and Parent/Teacher meetings.

You may have provided a roof over their heads but you did not really put any time in raising them and teaching the  values they needed to be better off than their parents.

You told them lies to manipulate them and trick them out of opportunities that I worked hard to provide for them.  I moved into one of the top school districts in the country.  They fall number 30 in the entire country.  They were enrolled, had their classes and id’s and would not let them attend.  I had deliberately worked hard to get a home big enough for them to live with me during the week and stay with you on the weekends.  I told you I did not want any money.  My husband and I at the time did not need your money.  You lied on me to them so they would not go to school from my house.  You essentially robbed them of a brighter future.

Your only concern has been how much money would come out of your pocket not your children’s well being.  You made it appear that I left you and the kids.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  You and your lawyer plotted and manipulated me out of the house.  You threatened to quit your job, leave town and burn the house down before you would give me your house or your children.  You were calling my phone and playing the funeral march to scare me out of the house.

The judge ordered you to pay all the bills in the house where your children and I lived so that I could save my money to move out.  You stopped paying and things started to get cut off.  He told you to co-sign for me to get an apartment because of being a stay at home mom and not having any rental history.  You refused to obey and that resulted in me living next door to a crack house.  You did not protect the mother of your children.

You made sure I felt like a stupid bitch.

So yeah, should you be honored?  Were you really a good father?  Hell NO.

I am done with protecting the children from the truth of who their father is.  I have talked positively about you always but you did not deserve it.  The truth is you abused their mother.  You did not protect their mother.  You never honored what their mother did so that you or them could be happy. 

You victimized their mother, forced her out to fend for herself.  You vilified their mother to them. To the world you wanted it to appear that I was the problem, when the whole time behind closed doors you were a complete and utter asshole.

You frequently told me that if I did not like the ways things were that I should leave and you could do it by yourself.  Stupid man that you are you thought you were gaining the upper hand when all along you were just still continuing the abuse of their mother.

I don’t ever remember you taking the children to store or getting a box of crayons to make a card for their mother on mother’s day but I still made sure they honored you.  Not because you deserved it but because I wanted to teach them how to treat people.

You are the stupid one for throwing their mother away.  You are the stupid one for not being grateful to a woman that gave you children and grandchildren.

Yes I had mental illness.  But that makes you look even worse.  You refused to refinance the car so I could afford it and when it got repossessed you went after me.

How did I become the enemy?  I gave you everything you wanted at the risk of my own life but you could see me out in the street?  You did not give a fuck about a woman that gave you everything. Those grandchildren you dote over are because I gave you children.

I tried and I begged you to try to keep our family together.

I will not be saying positive things about your anymore.  I am not being malicious.  I am just telling the truth about who you are.

You are an ungrateful, misogynistic, abusive human being.  You are selfish.  You are and was arrogant to think you could do it all by yourself.  But I have one question.  Who is the mother of your children?  Did you do right by her?  Did you value her contribution to the family?  Did you show your children in word and deed how to treat their mother?