A letter to survivors
https://thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
— Read on thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
Some have asked, “Yvette why did you do it?”
My answer, I did it because I wanted to.
I did it because it needed to be done.
Somebody had to do it.
F that mess about keeping our business in our house.
That is precisely why I did it,
it was time out for letting abusers get away with it.
It was time out for others controlling the narrative about my life.
It had to be done.
Why should I have walked around in shame?
Why should I have hidden the marks placed on my body
by someone that said they loved me?
Why should I have worn long sleeves so I would not be ashamed
when people asked how that happened?
Was I supposed to walk around in secrecy
trying to cover up your indecency?
Hell no, I did it because it had to be done.
It was time out for people getting away with hurting me.
I did it for all the girls and boys that went to sleep weeping
because they could not speak their truth.
I did it so you would suffer the shame that you threw.
I threw it back at you
and all those that thought they got away with hurting others.
I did it so you would get help,
or crawl into a hole and leave us good people alone.
Be gone or get some help.
I did it because I needed to be sure we were through.
I did it because I wanted to.
The same way you wanted to hurt me.
But I was not trying to hurt.
I did it so a way could be paved.
So someone would have courage to do what I did
I bet you thought this was about you.
Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
5.2.2021.12.29a
Healing is amazing. The man that raped me at 5 was named George. Before therapy anytime I heard the name George I would immediately be transported in my mind to him raping me. So I avoided George at all times. If I overheard the name I had to put my armor on. Without even knowing it that name had the power to send me to my bed for days.
Where I work the Fitness Instructor’s name is George. We were in an African performing arts group in the late ’90s together but I knew him by another name then.
I do believe that my steps are divinely ordered. I believe this situation was tailor-made for me. When I first heard his name I did not run home to my bed. I don’t even think I recognized it as a past trigger.
Because he worked there his name was called out frequently. I would sometimes give George a ride home. On one occasion he asked me to take him to Walmart and then we would go to lunch, his treat. Well, the place “he” had chosen objectified women. I felt uncomfortable because of the staff’s attire. Most people’s bra and panties have more coverage than these young women were wearing.
He started going on about someone he knew really liked asses. I stopped him mid-story and told him that I did not objectify women. After that, I had to set some clear boundaries with George. The women at work say he was testing me. I stopped being chummy with him.
George had a stroke. Every day now his name is called out by people asking how he is doing. I am the person at the front desk. I am usually the one giving an update about his progress.
The George that raped me at five is dead to me now.
I have become desensitized to that name. Flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance caused by George are a thing of the past.
This is what healing feels like.
The George that raped me at 5 was murdered in prison. I don’t know this to be true but my memory is that my Father got the word out that he had raped his little girl and they killed him.
Before therapy, he was still alive for me. I wanted to kill him so badly. I thought that it was unfair that he was dead. I was angry because I could not make him suffer.
As I write this I take deep breaths and release any residual energy still tied to that event in my life. I made it to the promised land of happiness.
Ding Dong George is Dead, Finally.
There has always been something deep inside my soul that has kept me going. Writing poetry allowed my soul to bleed, my soul spoke to me through the words on the pages.
Sometimes I run across something I’ve written long ago and I don’t remember pouring these words onto the paper. It is usually profound, honest and deeply moving.
Most of my best poetry has been penned while tears rolled down my face. When the ache in my heart can’t be expressed verbally or the pain is unbearable writing is the only release for the anguish.
I want to share the gifts I have been given. Each poem expressed something that my mouth could not utter. Each poem a letting of the painful emotions buried for decades. Words on a paper are safe, but it is time to share.
May every poem be a balm for another soul. needing to know they are not alone. Hopefully just knowing that another soul made it over to the other side will encourage other women to start their journey to healing.
I kept recreating the scenario where they would leave because I pushed them away and then I could cry victim that they left. I wanted them to come back and love me the way I deserved.
Childhood Emotional Neglect sent me a powerful, subliminal message that my feelings didn’t matter.
I kept looking for the unconditional love that only a mother could give. Now I know though that even mothers can’t give that kind of love sometimes. That is the biggest myth of motherhood. All mothers don’t love their babies because some don’t know how. Some mothers know but lack the resources and support. I was pregnant at 16. I married at 17. I escaped that marriage at 18 with three children. By 19 I was depressed, dealing with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, neglect, and poverty. The only real support I had was my disabled grandmother.
We are designed to benefit from the experience of loving nurturing touch. If you don’t get that as a child, you will search everywhere to find it. I was sexualized and raped at 5, I believed sex was love.
I subconsciously chose situations that felt familiar to me. My toxic environment had shaped me. My mother’s violent relationships were what I was born into. The cycle was intrinsically wired into my brain. They would love each other one minute and the next they were fighting and then they would fuck. It was like that for her entire life.
Subconsciously this is all I knew about relationships. Studies have proven that the first 6 years of a child’s life is when they are the most impressionable. What children learn about the world during this time will be what is subconsciously their default. This is one reason I kept choosing the same people.
I was hoping for a different outcome with each lover but doing the same things I had been programmed to do over and over.
The marvelous thing about a brain is we can rewire it; we can create another default. That is what I am taking the time to do my next level of healing. I am not taking time to grieve over something that was not good for me. That is wasted energy. I see the issue and I understand the why, I know how to fix the issue.
Now my time will be spent being grateful for today. I survived. I have learned. There is some undoing that needs to be done but I am able.
I don’t need another project. No more goals will be set at this time. I just want to slow down and be with the love inside of me. I just want to sit and think about whatever pops into my head. I want to read the books I have on my TO Read LIST. I want to get lost in some sexy Fiction.
It is time for a reset. All my circuits will be busy just loving life and enjoying this big family that God gave to me. I have really accomplished a lot in my 50+ years on this earth. I measure my accomplishments by how many people’s lives have been affected in a positive way by anything I have shared about my healing journey.
As a little girl, I asked God to use me to help somebody so my living would not be in vain. It is time for Release.
I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.
That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.
My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.
With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.
Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.
I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.
I am enough for me.
it is a sad commentary that our love would end like this
you may not feel anything or don’t even care
my heart is breaking cause
i know this time i don’t have any more love to give you
so you can throw it back in my face
discard me like gum on the bottom of your shoe
i have always been there for you
rescuing, rescuing and rescuing you over and over
only for you to discard, devalue me
i am stronger than your bullying
i know i have been a good woman to you
both of us know i don’t deserve for you
to shut down and treat me as if i am a bothering irritation
i don’t have any more
i hurt
i have hurt
i give
i have given
been there and gave whatever was needed for our life
i wanted to be your wife
you said we would be together forever
i believed we could make it or else
i would not have come back
but your mistreatment has for the last time
driven me out of the door
all of your excuses don’t mean shit to me anymore
burned all my bridges running back and forth to you
but god got me
i will be alright
will you?
because you will miss me deeply
someone and i hate to say this but it is true,
will treat you worse than you did me
i don’t wish that for you
but you can’t miss the reaping you must do
i will pray for you
we could have ended better
we should have been better than this
why would i stay where i am not wanted
i don’t know how i am going to make it
but i know god knows that i deserve better
i hope better for you
but i am through
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
Positive Funk
is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song
you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this funky place you be
but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up
you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you
it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the negative emotions
but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose
positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways
positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley
this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you
you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
It is very humbling when sitting with the consequences of choices made. I have really been wrestling with some stuff that was really starting to win the battle to take me under.
If I am acting weird that means I need you.
I know that when we have a family member that we don’t understand it can be hard to love them. Sometimes our loved ones may act strange. Similar to what I have been going through, I had so much anxiety that it was literally consuming me.
Truth has a bitter sting.
I am feeling better having accepted some hard truths. I was guilt-tripping myself so badly, I was whipping my own ass. I really was not comfortable in my own skin because I was dealing with shame. In order to be truly free of baggage, garbage or just some negative stuff, that was haunting me, I had to face it head-on. I am so very grateful that I never felt that God had left me or that I would not be delivered.
I was dealing with some depression, but I knew it was situational, it was hard. Growth hurts and if somebody says they grew and didn’t shed some tears or feel any emotional pain and probably some physical pain, they are lying and the truth ain’t in them as my grandmother would say.
I thank God for my free therapy. I thank God for all of the people that have poured into me as I struggled with my truths.
I wanted to run and yes it was overwhelming at times, but I trust the process and I tapped into my support system. I came out on the other side better able to reclaim my freedom.
Look y’all I am passionate about mental illness, mental health, and intimate partner violence as well as childhood sexual trauma because I struggle every day with these issues. PTSD is no joke and part of it is anxiety and depression. I believe we are slowing waking up to the importance of the mind being healthy. We are starting to see the mind-body connection and that everything really is everything. I am grateful for the education I have received through therapy and my own curious passion. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has used and will continue to use me to save lives by telling my truth so that they can be encouraged to heal.
I was so very angry at myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. But where is the lesson if I did not stop and acknowledge that the truth is, I still have some more healing to do.
The shame, disappointment, and fear of losing the image I had of myself was being challenged and I was seeing the places that needed some light and love. I had to do it with just me and God. I had to have that positive funk experience.
Once I saw the silver lining, I was good. I had my ah-ha sigh of relief. Once I gleaned something that increases my understanding of myself and others, it is time for celebration. I Celebrate that I did make it over to the other side of depression. I did cope with anxiety. With help from my friends, and family, even my Facebook, Instagram and my blog flowers support me with good energy and encouraging words.
My longtime friends keep me grounded with the truth. I don’t want to go through that again. It had been years since I have felt depressed. The whole time in Phoenix I did not get depressed but I did have some anxiety, but the sunshine and blue skies were right outside my door and art, music and education were everywhere. God provided my every need in a City where I really didn’t know anyone. But it was time to take another layer off the onion of healing. So I was led to come home and I am so happy that I did. I have no regrets.
I heal out loud so that other women don’t have to die by silence.
I dwell in Truth’s freedom.
Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 9.5.19.12.02
The Souls' Poet 