A letter to survivors
https://thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
— Read on thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
I feel compelled to share this. When I was 16 I had Agoraphobia. I could not even open my front door and step less than 4 feet to get the mail out of the mailbox. I understand now that Agoraphobia is what was going on. I don’t know how I overcame it but I do remember doing some breathing and meditation techniques I learned from a psychology book I had checked out of the school library.
This is why I say that our soul knows what we need to heal.
I don’t believe that I am any different than anyone else. I believe we all have it within us to thrive. But, just in case I was called out to learn so that I can teach. I am sharing this with you in hopes there is someone that needs this information, You can heal, you can transcend the pain. It sucks that you have to do it and sometimes you have to do it alone but God is always with you. In your soul are all the answers.
Lately, I have had a very hard time leaving my apartment. This Pandemic, the politics of the pandemic, the protests, the continuous news loops of people that look like me being murdered in cold blood, the politics, and again the politics has been going on for so long. I will be 60 soon and I have seen it all before. There is something different this time.
I am a baby boomer so it is a beautiful sight to see our grandchildren leading the way to justice for all.
There are no instructions as to how to navigate through this except the most simplistic of all and that is the basics of washing hands, staying at least 6 away, and wear a mask. We all are finding a new normal.
I plan to make it out alive and thriving.
God is the source and strength of my life. God removes all pain, misery, and strife. God promised to keep me and never leave me. God has always been my provider, my way maker, and my comfort.
Be encouraged whoever you are that needed to know that this too shall pass and God got you just like all the times before.
🙌🦋👑#GirlGotSomeHelp #MeAndGodWeGotThis
music is my drug of choice
my constant companion
through all of this terror
it saves me minute by minute from madness
I turn it off , it keeps playing
I get lost in thought, it keeps swaying
soothing me with lyrics of the last song that wooed me
music touches my soul, my hair follicles, my toes
I start groving and the next thing I know
me and music are rocking and rolling
until I am totally holding
freedom
in the palms of my hands
my fingers keep poping
while I drop it like its hot
before I know it me and music are in love
and we ain’t to proud to show it
music is my lover
my drug of choice
call me a gleeful forever addict
i get high
so i can fly
away on my lyrical horses
above the noises
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
circa 4.2020
There has always been something deep inside my soul that has kept me going. Writing poetry allowed my soul to bleed, my soul spoke to me through the words on the pages.
Sometimes I run across something I’ve written long ago and I don’t remember pouring these words onto the paper. It is usually profound, honest and deeply moving.
Most of my best poetry has been penned while tears rolled down my face. When the ache in my heart can’t be expressed verbally or the pain is unbearable writing is the only release for the anguish.
I want to share the gifts I have been given. Each poem expressed something that my mouth could not utter. Each poem a letting of the painful emotions buried for decades. Words on a paper are safe, but it is time to share.
May every poem be a balm for another soul. needing to know they are not alone. Hopefully just knowing that another soul made it over to the other side will encourage other women to start their journey to healing.
you are a survivor girl
stand up and be strong
you’ve made it
through storms of hard times
you’ve seen bad marriages
the letdowns of dreams
but you’re still here
so it seems you can’t make it
seems you can’t see your way
but you’ve made it this far girlfriend
you survived, through it all till this day
go ahead on and be strong.
you’re a survivor because
you’ve hung in there this long.
gone girl with your bad self
only you know what you can do.
just try it.
just believe in your self.
don’t wait for somebody
to tell you that you can make it through.
you know what you’ve got to do
reach deep down inside yourself and
pull out what has been there for so long
stand up and be strong.
girl whatever it took
to make it through a bad marriage
to a drug addict and wife beater
whatever it took to make it
through abuse and rejection
whatever it took when
you were put down
lied to and talked about
but you made it through
you held your head up high
and you kept on going
girl, you can do it
all you gotta do is
stand up and be strong
believe in your self
you are a survivor girl
go ahead on
I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.
That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.
My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.
With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.
Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.
I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.
I am enough for me.
Positive Funk
is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song
you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this funky place you be
but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up
you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you
it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the negative emotions
but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose
positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways
positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley
this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you
you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
It is very humbling when sitting with the consequences of choices made. I have really been wrestling with some stuff that was really starting to win the battle to take me under.
If I am acting weird that means I need you.
I know that when we have a family member that we don’t understand it can be hard to love them. Sometimes our loved ones may act strange. Similar to what I have been going through, I had so much anxiety that it was literally consuming me.
Truth has a bitter sting.
I am feeling better having accepted some hard truths. I was guilt-tripping myself so badly, I was whipping my own ass. I really was not comfortable in my own skin because I was dealing with shame. In order to be truly free of baggage, garbage or just some negative stuff, that was haunting me, I had to face it head-on. I am so very grateful that I never felt that God had left me or that I would not be delivered.
I was dealing with some depression, but I knew it was situational, it was hard. Growth hurts and if somebody says they grew and didn’t shed some tears or feel any emotional pain and probably some physical pain, they are lying and the truth ain’t in them as my grandmother would say.
I thank God for my free therapy. I thank God for all of the people that have poured into me as I struggled with my truths.
I wanted to run and yes it was overwhelming at times, but I trust the process and I tapped into my support system. I came out on the other side better able to reclaim my freedom.
Look y’all I am passionate about mental illness, mental health, and intimate partner violence as well as childhood sexual trauma because I struggle every day with these issues. PTSD is no joke and part of it is anxiety and depression. I believe we are slowing waking up to the importance of the mind being healthy. We are starting to see the mind-body connection and that everything really is everything. I am grateful for the education I have received through therapy and my own curious passion. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has used and will continue to use me to save lives by telling my truth so that they can be encouraged to heal.
I was so very angry at myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. But where is the lesson if I did not stop and acknowledge that the truth is, I still have some more healing to do.
The shame, disappointment, and fear of losing the image I had of myself was being challenged and I was seeing the places that needed some light and love. I had to do it with just me and God. I had to have that positive funk experience.
Once I saw the silver lining, I was good. I had my ah-ha sigh of relief. Once I gleaned something that increases my understanding of myself and others, it is time for celebration. I Celebrate that I did make it over to the other side of depression. I did cope with anxiety. With help from my friends, and family, even my Facebook, Instagram and my blog flowers support me with good energy and encouraging words.
My longtime friends keep me grounded with the truth. I don’t want to go through that again. It had been years since I have felt depressed. The whole time in Phoenix I did not get depressed but I did have some anxiety, but the sunshine and blue skies were right outside my door and art, music and education were everywhere. God provided my every need in a City where I really didn’t know anyone. But it was time to take another layer off the onion of healing. So I was led to come home and I am so happy that I did. I have no regrets.
I heal out loud so that other women don’t have to die by silence.
I dwell in Truth’s freedom.
Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 9.5.19.12.02
Whew! I am one of those people. The kind that starts immediately looking for the lesson in the situation so it can be over with and I can move on in this journey of healing.
I lost it today as someone stood at the end of my bed. belittling me and talking to me as if I were a child. I forgive myself for giving her another chance. She called and said what I wanted to hear and boom, right back to the same ole same ole dysfunction. I asked for my possession and she refused to give it to me and I admit it. I lost it. I lunged at her from my hospital bed trying to get my car keys. she refused to give them to me so I got out of my bed and ran down the hospital hallway to get my keys. I got them too, but not without much embarrassment.
I learned that I do have a breaking point. We all do, but staying away from people that bring out the worst in me is the top priority. I am a force now because as I said, lessons are the most important. I really believe life is going to be filled with nothing but positivity. People that play with your mind are dangerous.
I am sorry for taking my family and friends with me on this journey to love. We don’t usually consider how our choices affect our loved ones that have witnessed you suffer needlessly. Healing is a process. Most women go back to an abuser 7 times before actually leaving and staying gone. I will talk more about that in upcoming blog posts.
I did not get real with therapy until I was 50 years old when I found myself cowered in the corner of my bedroom having flashbacks of when I was left home alone at 5. So this 8 year journey has been an education if nothing else. There have been gaps along the way but it has been probably a good 5 of those 8 were spent in therapy.
It became my mission to free myself and destroy patterns and pathologies in the family tree so that “we can rock the future generations without dysfunction”.
So anyway, let me get back to the point. I learned a lot about myself with these last, ugh, few uh, well let us call them revelations.
I learned that I was still co-dependent. I saw it from a different perspective by listening to my dear friend even though we have not ever met in person, Sherry Dickerson. She talked about needing to be needed was classic co-dependency.
I kinda sorta knew that but the way she put it just made all the circuits of codependency go off in my brain.
Finally, I really get it.
I will always go to therapy when things come up that I need support with, the best place to go is to a Mental Health Professional. That can not only listen and validate your feelings but will also give you tools to use while you heal.
I learned that I have been telling myself a lie about being alone.
My son and his wife and my grandson came to see me at the hospital. I did not call him and I should have. I did not want to bother him. That is that old tape playing in my head from childhood that says he is too busy to be bothered with me.
Let me say that none of my children have ever made feel bad about asking for help. I just don’t ask that is my issue. I see that and it does not serve my highest good to not allow my children to be there for me. It is a blessing for both parent and child when our children bless us with their care and concern.
My daughter checked on me throughout the evening and day.
Another son contacted to make sure I was okay.
I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of Facebook friends that prayed with and for me.
I have a great support system. My girlfriends have my back. These are friends from way back 30 or 40 years or more.
No matter what, even if they have to tell me I am wrong, they will still support whatever I decide to do with my life.
NO, and NO I am not alone. God is with me, and in me so I will always have love. I will not be dying alone. that is a lie from hellacious energy cause hell is right here on earth.
I learned how to let go. I am a Cancer so that is a hard one for me. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not stupid. I am kind. But when I realized that I can not trust you, and sometimes it takes me a long time because I have issues, but, baby, you get no more of my goodness. So I am working on keeping my goodies for the one that will appreciate them. I may have already overlooked her but I wasn’t ready. After all of the drama of the last few months, I am still not ready. That is a great place to be.
I learned that I am poised for greatness.
I also learned that my mouth could impede my growth.
I am a fighter. I fight back. I won’t allow you to do me any kind of way but on the flip side, I learned about my Trauma Brain and Trauma Bonding and a lot of other stuff about trauma and why some of us, especially survivors, keep having the same challenges.
I am even more committed to helping women. When I research and help you I am helping myself. As I encourage you, I encourage myself.
Believe me, I know when to quit, although it may appear that I don’t, and that is okay. I am going to continue letting God lead the way and keep on getting these lessons. This education will catapult me to the next level. I count it all joy, even the F*** ups. As long as we learn, hey, it is all good, right?
Thank you for letting me be myself again
Mozayik
8.18.19.4.41
Whew! today has been loooong. I feel like I need to shake it off, shake off all the energy that is not mine. So much has happened today. So much has changed I have been in deep thought about a lot of things. I have questioned my own motives for doing a thing. I know that great struggle will produce enormous growth. So I count it all Joy.
My therapist is leaving the YWCA. I am happy for her. I am happy that she is doing what will serve her highest good. I trust her. She has supported me through some pretty rough terrain since I moved back to St. Louis. One of the main reasons I moved back home was because I could not, no matter what I did, get any kind of therapy at all.
They said my income was too high. Really, umph, anyway, I went all that time without any therapy. Yeah, I was fine for the most part, but I had some struggles with anxiety. I was not depressed because I had a strong relationship with God. I had sunshine and the tools I learned in therapy. I had processed all of the trauma that was causing the depression. I know how to keep my joy.
Please let me say that I don’t regret anything. I needed what Phoenix taught but I knew it was time to come home. Even if no one else understood. There were many reasons that God led me back to St Louis. Me and God we good like that, I know and trust God to lead me. Wherever I am God is.
I learned so much from the therapy I had already had, but there were some missing pieces. Healing is a process. Like going to school, you graduate to different levels based on your understanding of the Curriculum.
Coming home and working with her has taken my understanding to the next level. I needed to understand why I have continued to have certain challenges.
She said I get it. I tackle a problem head-on. I don’t live in denial but choose to make the changes necessary to be at peace. I am not a whiner and if I complain about something, I am willing to be the change. After a few therapists, I realized what worked for me. Talking is good for some but in addition to that, I need something practical to do. I tell therapists that when I first meet them now.
I am rambling, I know, but I am a writer that spills her thoughts and feelings onto the page where it can make sense. I have learned the hard way that there is more room out than in. That was one of my grandmothers’ favorite sayings, “There is more room out than in.” but she was talking about farting. But it applies to our emotions as well. Holding things in will literally kill you.
So, thanks for listening y’all
I am breathing better now.
If none of this makes sense, please chalk it up to venting. Thanks for letting me be myself again.
mozayik
The Souls' Poet 