bleeding holey soul

she bled out onto the paper
and threw against the wall the tall tall
order to be perfect
she said take me as i am or take nothing at all
she cried unto mother god to please hear her call
she didn’t don’t want to fall
into the valley of despair
the dam wear and tear
on her psyche
to meet the image of her they have
she said i am a real person
with a soul
all i am trying to do is fix these holes

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
4.27.19 6.16p

When Love is the Intention…..

Today at 3pm CST I will be interviewed by Marci Baptiste about being a Co-Author sharing my story of wisdom gleaned from living over 57 years ,in her Book ‘The Power of 50.

A lot has happened this year that was on my Vision Board for 2018. Being a published Author will give me more opportunities to not only produce interest in my Book ‘The Souls’ Poetry’, but also allows me to share an experience from my life as an 18 year old mother of three children. I share so that other young women will know they are not alone in their struggles and they can persevere in therapy. I want to show them that it is possible to recover.

I have tried performing, reciting my poetry and even sold t-shirts but my true calling is writing.  I will always encourage women to heal. Therapy and God have been the ingredients needed to destroy patterns of abuse in my family.

 

breathe

being alone sucks when the clouds start to turn gray

and the memory of abuse is alive and well

the memories laugh and taunt

the breath though saves me

between the inhale and exhale

is where God restores my soul

I remember just like the last breath I took

this feeling of lonely will pass

I remember I am love

love is my super power

the next inhale comes to straighten my spine

the exhale releases all the indecision and doubt

the between the exhale and inhale

reminds me of my purpose

all my tears are stored

in between the inhale, the exhale,

the space where I release the energy that has

clogged my spiritual pores

in between the inhale and exhale

the space where my soul speaks

a language only God understands

by mozayik ‘the soul’ poet’

8.21.18

pray don’t worry “compartmentalize”

I pray so I don’t have to worry.

At 50 years old I learned in therapy  the tools needed to cope. I essentially grew up. My family of origin was dysfunctional, so I was not aware of the pathology in my thinking that showed up in my behavior.

Therapy for me was  examining behaviors that don’t serve me well, like catastrophizing. The understanding of why I do something helped me love myself unconditionally. I then had the confidence that I could  reprogram and resetting my default to healthy thinking which fueled the change in how I respond to life’s challenges.
We say knowledge is power but it can only be powerful when we use what we have learned to change.
I had been known to freak out. To not be able to handle stress was my legacy. My family would deliberately keep things from me. They felt they had to protect me or I would collapse under the pressure.
After therapy I use the tool my therapist and I  practiced, “compartmentalizing”.
It is inline with my now favorite motto or chant.

If you are going to pray, don’t worry and if you are going to worry don’t pray.

I had a situation come up yesterday that in the past would have sent me reeling straight into anger and then depression and the cycle would start. Depression, pain, and anger from feeling out control.

That is FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

The truth is we have a choice to make moment to moment. We cant be happy and sad at the same exact moment. The brain does not work that way. And thank God because we would loose our choice or ability to be the miraculous human beings we are.

Our mindset is a choice. Our power lies in the fact we can create. We can think a thing, speak the thing and manifest a thing. It really is that simple.
I have changed. When things crop up and I don’t have the resources to solve the problem I am okay with allowing God to lead me to the solution.

Yesterday, I prayed and enjoyed the rest of my evening because there was nothing I could do about it at the time.  I have learned to be present in the moment by compartmentalizing. I slept well last night.  When I  rose I went about  my usual morning rituals. When I sat down and I allowed myself to think about it again, the problem was not as bad as I had initially thought.

No matter what I know I can trust God so I pray.  Praying is giving it to God. But I don’t take it back by worrying about it. Breathing a sigh of relief, and smiling from the reassurance that it will all work out because I am in Gods will. Being happy moment to moment is the choice I make . Being present and Being grateful are the main keys to my happiness.

I am happy because I am grateful.

Catastrophizing

How to compartmentalize.

You can do it too.

I am officially a Walker. I am walking between 25 and 35 miles per week. After working with my Business Coach Marci Batiste I realized that I had no choice but to slow down the pace and make my health a priority. I am feeling better and bouncing back from flare ups much quicker. None of the changes made to improve my physical health would have been possible if it were not for the commitment I made to do the hard work of healing.
More than one therapist has told me that I am the exception. Most people in therapy don’t change because they are not willing to work.
I don’t believe I am that special. It comes down to your mindset. If you are determined to heal like I was, I PROMISE YOU that God, your Angels and the entire universe will rise up and support you.
I am not telling you what I read. I am telling you what I know from experience. Your will to heal puts everything in motion. If you take two steps God will support you to continue to take steps.
My mission is to inspire you to get some therapy. If I don’t do anything else in life I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God has used me to lead women to healing.
If I did it you can too.

Want Change? Change your mind.

I have been battling with changing two core beliefs this year. Therapy has helped me to examine my own behavior, think about where the root is and destroy it by changing the way I think.
One core belief was, {everybody was going to leave me). I expected it. So whenever I had feelings of being abandoned my brain could not tell that I was just having thoughts or remembering experiences.
Even though it was not really happening my brain told my body it was happening. I say this was a core belief because now that I have identified it, it no longer is a belief. It is a fear – (false evidence appearing real) to be dealt with accordingly.
Because of the knowledge I have gained in therapy about how I respond to triggers, I am able to identify and replace negative thoughts that once supported my core belief that everybody was going to leave.
I am sure I have sabotaged relationships in fear of the abandonment. It was kind of like I was protecting myself for what was to come.
Another core belief that I have had to acknowledge is I believed that people were out to get me. I have learned to trust the God in me. Moving slower will allows the process to happen. Now I understand and appreciate the value of waiting for direction.
While waiting, for the emotion to dissipate, I ask myself “What is the evidence of …..?”
Once the emotion is gone. I detach, pray and wait on God to give me the best solution. Sometimes nothing needs to be done. Other times I am led to a person, place or thing that holds THE ANSWER.But ALWAYS I get the LESSON. I am able to evolve to a new level.
There is no evidence that supports that belief that people always leave me and there is no evidence that people are out to get me.
I had some damage to my car and I assumed that it had been vandalized, but waiting allowed me to see that I was the one that had damaged my car. Once my mind was cleared of all those untrue thoughts I remembered exactly when and how it happened.
Three weeks is how long I waited for these profound epiphany’s. Being able to accomplish my goals is a direct result of working on my thinking which helps me to change my behavior. After doing the work in therapy the real Work begins. It does get better though, At first I hated examining everything I thought or did, but over time and with practice my snap back time (knowing that that was then and this is now)has decreased tremendously.
In full expectation I am looking forward to the day when I have successfully rewired my brain to not allow anything from my past to affect my now. Practice really does make perfect. It has already become second nature to identify and let go of the emotions of a trigger ASAP. I have truly been able to “Let Go, and Let God”
If you are going to worry, don’t pray, if you are going to pray, don’t worry.

mozayik “the souls’ poet”

praying (the writer’s need for solitude)

it’s a spiritual thing

I just need to clear my head

of the demons tormenting me

with sounds of past nightmares

and present day real or imagined harm

I am full

ready to pop

don’t want to drop

all my cares at every stop

need to breathe

to see me

I am blinded

by everyone else s importunities

craving aloneness

the only way I know to reach the part of me

that is free and filled with possibility

I just want to be unbound

in my mind is the only sanctuary to hide

until I can cope with difficulties outside of me

to have peace I have to touch the part of GOD that resides inside me

what I  need can’t be found out there

I know it is hard to understand

the only way I know to get what I need

to deal with issues blinding me from what it is I am

silence is golden

solitude is good for the soul

it is a spiritual thing

don’t take it personally

it is all about me

needing

to let God lead me

by Mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Spoils of mental illness

As I sit here looking at pictures of my family. I have an absolutely beautiful family. I am not complaining about anything just writing so this feeling will pass. That is what feelings do, they leave eventually. In therapy I learned to not ignore my feelings they are giving me a message or an opportunity to  shed another layer for healing. Everyday evolution is a fact to life.
Let me stay on topic. I was missing my family so much. God has miraculously given me six healthy babies. Six. But it gets even better, I had twins and triplets. I prayed as a little girl for a new family because the one I was experiencing was filled with hostility. There were no safe places. My soul hungered for the love I knew as a child would fix everything if only they would let it.

I remember the day exactly that I asked for another family. We were at some family gathering and my mother, my 2 aunts and my grandmother were  setting up the tables to play spades. But they were arguing about something and my aunt Essie was the target of their viscous venomous words. She was crying. She was my favorite aunt and they were making her feel bad about her weight. My aunt died to trying to be skinny.
This type of destructive energy existed at every family gathering until as an adult and after much therapy, I decided to no longer participate.

The point of this post is to say that what happened to me as a child caused my mental illness.  Depression was actually inevitable in that environment after being neglected and raped. PTSD could not be avoided. Some of us don’t have ptsd as a result of a trauma, but there are those like me that have had so many traumas that we kept recreating traumatic situations in an effort to heal. Or, that is what is familiar to us however uncomfortable.

My sacrifices are many when it comes to my healing. My family being the biggest sacrifice. I am grateful for the answered prayer for another family. Six healthy children, 14 healthy grandchildren within my 56 years. God willing there will eventually be many more souls that are a direct result of my prayer. These souls have chosen to come through my womb and be the start of the legacy of love I am deliberately creating.
I am grateful. I just miss my family and I was in my feelings and needed to write it out. I know I will be able to enjoy and influence my grandchildren face to face again. This move to Phoenix is what is supposed to happen and they will be here when it is time. I have no doubt this is where I am supposed to be. Once the healing came I could no longer stay in St. Louis.
Honestly sometimes I get in my feelings and feel sad and even angry that what happened to me cost me so much. But after writing through my feelings I am able to count my blessings.

I realize that God has given me exceedingly and abundantly above what I asked for, another family. A healthy family. A happy prosperous family. We love each other and when we all get together it is ALL LOVE. I love how my children work through their conflicts and disagreements. No matter what, they find love and let go of any animosity. I taught them that.  I showed them to the best of my ability what unconditional love is.

I have had an interesting life. It has been good. I look forward to enjoying life for a long time to come. I am working to leave a legacy of love in the universe. God has used me to bring forth a lot of love. I am grateful.
So at the end of the day. My soul chose these circumstances. This is the way it is supposed to be. I am who am because of EVERY experience I have had.

I am mozayik “the souls’ poet”

The Impetus “the book”

I thought I had finished my book in 2008. I know, 10 years, right? The first title was “My Healing Journey”.  I titled it this because the poems told a story of my healing chronologically. The chapters and themes are the same today in the The Souls’ Poetry.

The early poems spoke in the voice of the victim and then progressed through the many layers of healing. Light, Darkest before Dawn,  Anger, Bitterness etc……with Self Love being the super power needed to stay committed to healing. I made huge sacrifices for my healing. At one point I was estranged from my entire family. Healing can be messy and it will uproot anything that is resistant to change.

I believe once a woman has healed she can support other women in their healing. Often times as was in my case, that woman is the only one in her entire family courageous enough to say “Oh No, not on my watch will this pathology continue in my family.”  A lot give up because no one around them really understand what she is going through.

It was apparent to me that my soul was speaking through my poetry. I promise you that I don’t know where the name “the souls’ poet” originated. I know exactly how my pen name “moayik” was created. But exactly when I started calling myself “the souls’ poet”. I spell  souls’ with an apostrophe s because I am a poet to all souls’. I belong to God and Universe. My soul’s mission is to inspired other soul’s to speak.

Mozayik suited me perfectly. I had started to see my value. I was getting a glimpse of  the beauty of  healing on my broken soul.  I became aware of my soul’s mission and agreement in this lifetime.

My trademark “mozayik” butterfly speaks to the transformation of my soul. All the broken pieces of my soul had beautiful purpose. Each mosaic is unique and has its own story to tell. The pieces are made beautiful and whole again resulting in a masterpiece.

On my journey to healing and wholeness I have written poetry. My soul’s expression is poetry. All of us have our own way of giving voice to our soul.  We call it Art. We are called artists. Our artistry is our soul’s expression.

Most of my poetry was penned while tears rolled into puddles formed in the creases in my neck, soaking the pages while the letting of the words took place. I could not stop and wipe my tears. My hand would just write and I really had no idea what I was writing or if any of it made sense because the words manifested release and when the energy to write dissipated so did the energy of the emotion that had lead to the tears.
A weight lifted, I remembered to breath, Enough pain came out to allow me to go on with life. It has been said that pain is fear leaving your body. I am a witness this is a truth.

After some time I would look in my journal at what I had written and see a rhythm and rhyme to the words. The caddance was poetic. Sometimes my mouth would drop open because I could not believe that I had written something so profound. I have written all of my life and have probably read at the very least a thousand books in my lifetime but did not recognize my gift as a writer until my soul started to speak through my poetry in the early 90’s.

It is a long story but the point is, this is my calling. I was born a poet. My poetry is my gift to help facilitate other women’s healing.

Anyway, getting back to the book. I knew it had to be edited before publishing, but everytime I would try to edit it depression would set in and I would head back to therapy. At first I did not see the pattern. It took being diagnosed with PTSD and years of therapy to understand my triggers. Learning how to manage triggers takes practice but it can be done with the tools that work for the individual.
After a lifetime of literally running for my life over and over again I decided something had to change.  I have moved 40 times in my lifetime. (book coming) Mostly after being triggered and feeling like I was no longer safe. It was just a feeling. I learned in therapy that I am not my feelings. That was then, this is now.

Therapy was hard and brutal but the self love, contentment and peace gained from doing the work is worth it. I’m happy and that is something I never thought was possible. I am not a therapist but I have done my work in therapy for years. I have had some phenomenal therapists and I have have some not so good. I can offer an example women can relate to, serving as someone that understands what it takes to actually do the work.

My healing became a life or death situation after being involved with abusive partners over and over, that were violent in one way or another. A few times I did even know it was abuse. Just because someone is not hitting you does not mean they are not violent.

I woke up and saw that I was  the common denominator. I accepted that people will be who they are and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to change. I am still on the journey to change. Being better than I was yesterday is my ultimate goal.
Everytime I could not get it together I  asked God, “What is wrong with me?” There was never anything wrong with me. But it was always about what had happened to me. I was raped at five and the trauma continued my entire life until I decided I could no longer deal with the pain and decided to commit to therapy.

I had to see what the end was going to be. I believe that my healing is a lifelong journey but I wanted to at least get to a place where I could finish my book.

I knew that  book was the gift I had to give away.  Blogging about therapy and the poems in the book as they related to my therapy allowed me to heal while hopefully being an example that therapy will work if you give it a chance.

Writing has always been my saving grace. Using what I have learned from my experience with therapy and writing is my purpose. This is what I was born to do.

I believe I can assist women with giving voice to their pain. I know I can inspire women to seek therapy. I know I can tell my stories about my experience that will encourage women to hang in there and come through on the other side of darkness. There really is a light in our souls. We all have purpose and this is mine.

The blogging is the book. I see that now. It is all so very clear.

Of course there is still so much of my story to tell. My daughter has been encouraging me to write my memoirs. I will.

The Souls’ Poetry is my true story in poetry. I could elaborate more on the poems and posts, but this is the start. This is what my soul has to say. My pain has been given a voice and that brought healing.

It was a long, tedious and tumultuous journey. I did not give up and I want to support and encourage women to commit to healing. I have found some creative ways to make that happen.

My next post will talk about how the blog became the business.

The book “The Souls’ Poetry” has been the impetus.