I have held on to the idea that I could heal without forgiveness. It is what a therapist told me. I now know, at least for me, healing can be started without forgiveness, but it will not be complete without forgiveness of self.

Forgiving myself has been the hardest. I really thought I had forgiven a lot of people but if I have not truly forgiven myself how could it be true that I have forgiven others?

All month I have been quietly contemplating the things I need to let myself off the hook for. The past is a memory, and the future is imagination. I am learning how to live now.

 I forgive myself for thinking that I could really heal without forgiveness of myself first. I let go of hoping for a different outcome that is insanity and a total impossibility. The guilty seek punishment. I am not guilty. I have punished myself enough.

Now I can really be free of the past. It may appear I have prolonged my healing but all things in due time is what life has taught me. Only now is important. I release myself from the prison of unforgiveness so that the rest of my days on earth are heavenly. Anyway, that is what I wanted to say.

Why I Did it.

Some have asked, “Yvette why did you do it?”

My answer, I did it because I wanted to.

I did it because it needed to be done.

Somebody had to do it.

F that mess about keeping our business in our house.

That is precisely why I did it,

it was time out for letting abusers get away with it.

It was time out for others controlling the narrative about my life.

It had to be done.

Why should I have walked around in shame?

Why should I have hidden the marks placed on my body

by someone that said they loved me?

Why should I have worn long sleeves so I would not be ashamed

when people asked how that happened?

Was I supposed to walk around in secrecy

trying to cover up your indecency?

Hell no, I did it because it had to be done.

It was time out for people getting away with hurting me.

I did it for all the girls and boys that went to sleep weeping

because they could not speak their truth.

I did it so you would suffer the shame that you threw.

I threw it back at you

and all those that thought they got away with hurting others.

I did it so you would get help,

or crawl into a hole and leave us good people alone.

Be gone or get some help.

I did it because I needed to be sure we were through.

I did it because I wanted to.

The same way you wanted to hurt me.

But I was not trying to hurt.

I did it so a way could be paved.

So someone would have courage to do what I did

I bet you thought this was about you.

Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

5.2.2021.12.29a

Sometimes you have to encourage yourself

MAKE A CHOICE TODAY TO BELIEVE IN YOU

Give in to the belief that you are unique

with talents and gifts all your own

No one can do it like you

No one but you can make your dream come true

Whatever mistakes we make are only a tool

To purge and cut to help make us rule

Better we  learn from them and move on

Don’t wallow in self pity and doubt

Use your errors as a spring board to break out

Bounce back to the positive

Give in to the belief that you are someone special

Grab it, take hold of it and don’t let it go

Speak it, Chant it, Pray it,

 Say it until you’ve convinced your own soul

You are SOMEBODY for the world to behold

Black Woman Walking with ptsd

I had a panic attack. I was afraid to leave my apartment. I cried, I prayed and I grabbed my box cutter, mace, gloves, mask and sanitizing wipes. I reminded myself that “I AM NOT MY FEELINGS” I went out and got my medicine because no one was coming to save me. I prayed that I would not be stopped by the police because they may not understand that I had to take the weapons to protect myself. They may think that I mean to harm them or they may use it as an excuse to kill me. All kinds of thoughts run through your head when you are a black woman living alone with ptsd.

I look back on 2020 and know that it was God that I held on to me, otherwise I never would have made it. I would have lost my mind, y’all know the rest of the song.

Thank God for therapy or else I probably would have just lay there and kept crying. This pandemic, the isolation, losing people that I love, and living alone with the constant uncertainty is starting to get to me. I am just keeping it real.

Crying helped me to release my emotions because I know that I am not my feelings so the sooner I face the fear and let it go the better.

BUT, I am exhausted from the unrelenting battle with fear. I am not paranoid. I have valid reasons to be afraid to step outside my front door. I was brutally beaten in the streets in July. I saw the man in my neighborhood again and he recognized me.

I came here to live because I was fleeing a domestically violent partner. I was unemployed and living in my daughters basement. They were the first people to give me a lease. I figured I would get in and get out but I had no idea what was about to happen.

I have been trying to move but the manager where I live is a Narcissistic  a-hole that has it in for me because I wanted to start a tenant associations to address the horrific conditions she expects people to live in.

One example is allowing raw sewage to run through the parking lot while people walked through it and took it back into the buildings during the Coronavirus Pandemic. I reported it and forced her hand with other things so every time I apply somewhere else she lies and says that I have bogus lease violations. It is a very long story.

I have a good job and I don’t want to live here anymore but she thinks she is making good on her threat that if I sue her “I wont have any place to live.” God is still in control though especially since I have done nothing wrong by trying to help improve our living conditions.

I know that I am not the only one going through things. I am just telling my little story. I am tired of Covid-19, tired of racism, tired of white people not getting, that, WE BEEN TIRED. Tired of fighting for the basic right to feel like I matter.

We are supposed to be celebrating the legacy of Dr. King but now we live in a world where Hatred is at an all-time high. It is all very disheartening. I know I will survive. I always do, but I need a f***ing break.

#AnAfricanAmericanWomanWithPTSD

PTSD & Domestic Violence

triggering event

flash back to the past

reliving as child

helplessness learned

feels familiar

even if abnormal

sometimes alone is safer but inflicts more pain

and the cycle repeats again and again

running

looking for rescue

anybody will do

just so i can make you love me

hate me

leave me

abuse me

so, I can make true

nobody loves me

isn’t that what you did to me

because it was done to you

so, we are stuck in this maze of abuse

today though, I’m really freaking tired of everyday being about you

I’m still running away while clinging to you

I don’t know how to separate me from you

yvette mozayik circa 2017

this poem fell onto the paper like most

#DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

from your mama

you had to learn that life is not fair

play by the unjust rules or lose

they set you up just to tear you down

whatever goes around comes around

there are some things we can’t change

some things we cannot manipulate

try as we may

there really is a thing called fate

destiny if you believe

the universe is under God’s control

take a minute to think about it

the earth keeps turning

the sun forever shines

the moon revolves around us

and birds always chirp

summer comes, winter goes

trees bud each and every spring

it rains when the heavens declare it should

nothing we can do to stop it

if we could just trust in the universal laws

the world keeps turning but we don’t fall

plant a seed deep in the ground and watch it grow

from a tiny seed to a mighty tree

stop, think about it for a minute

if we would just believe

it’s hard when all around us we see injustice

every day they try to take our dignity

but you are in control ultimately

of what you let them plant in your soul

take the good, plant it in you

can’t find it out there in the world

find it in yourself

nurture goodness and peace

it will grow inside your soul

you really do reap what you sow

tell them go ahead hate me

because I believe in justice and equality

but one day just like a seed

I’ll grow into a mighty tree

I’ll be a power to be reckoned with

I held onto what I believed

I didn’t let you plant your seeds of negativity in me

I became responsible made good choices

held on steadfastly to the belief that

what I put out there is what I’ll receive

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 1997

for Melisa when things were hard

Fear is Ilusion

2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I am no longer comfortable using the word fear or the word afraid. The other day I told my daughter that I was not coming out because I was afraid of coming out after dark. Fear feeds anxiety.

Because I have been given a sound mind and because of the love I have for my own wellbeing I am empowered by the spirit of god that lives in me to make a wise decision and protect myself. There are many rational reasons why it is not wise for me an African American Woman to go out alone in the dark during these unprecedented times.

From now on I will to be focused on the fact that because of the spirit of God that lives in me I do not have to fear anything.

Fear is illusion. Trusting God requires fearlessness.

#INeededThatLesson

God is my source

I feel compelled to share this. When I was 16 I had Agoraphobia. I could not even open my front door and step less than 4 feet to get the mail out of the mailbox. I understand now that Agoraphobia is what was going on. I don’t know how I overcame it but I do remember doing some breathing and meditation techniques I learned from a psychology book I had checked out of the school library.

This is why I say that our soul knows what we need to heal.

I don’t believe that I am any different than anyone else. I believe we all have it within us to thrive. But, just in case I was called out to learn so that I can teach. I am sharing this with you in hopes there is someone that needs this information, You can heal, you can transcend the pain. It sucks that you have to do it and sometimes you have to do it alone but God is always with you. In your soul are all the answers.

Lately, I have had a very hard time leaving my apartment. This Pandemic, the politics of the pandemic, the protests, the continuous news loops of people that look like me being murdered in cold blood, the politics, and again the politics has been going on for so long. I will be 60 soon and I have seen it all before. There is something different this time.

I am a baby boomer so it is a beautiful sight to see our grandchildren leading the way to justice for all.

There are no instructions as to how to navigate through this except the most simplistic of all and that is the basics of washing hands, staying at least 6 away, and wear a mask. We all are finding a new normal.

I plan to make it out alive and thriving.

God is the source and strength of my life. God removes all pain, misery, and strife. God promised to keep me and never leave me. God has always been my provider, my way maker, and my comfort.

Be encouraged whoever you are that needed to know that this too shall pass and God got you just like all the times before.

🙌🦋👑#GirlGotSomeHelp #MeAndGodWeGotThis

erroneous core belief #1

I had a core belief that I did not deserve to be treated well. Of course, this is an expected response to abandonment, neglect, rape, and abuse. How else was my psyche able to allow this assault on my person, on my innocent soul?

It killed my healthy self-image. Convinced me that, I, the victim deserved this because I was bad and nobody cared. I had been programmed to expect to be traumatized.

I was guilty of not being enough. I was guilty of everything that had ever happened to me. I was guilty of ruining everybody’s life. I was fucking guilty if I did not buy the right toothpaste.

guilty felt normal

grandma said my mother did not want me

so I was guilty of being a burden

guilty of being unwanted

guilty of needing love

guilty of not adequately paying the debt I owed

for  never being enough  no matter how hard I tried

mother said I was crazy cause Mamie j  raised me

after she abandoned me

it was my grandmothers fault for doing

what my mother did not

I was not enough to be kept

I was not enough for her to love me unconditionally

so I kept running into the arms that made me

feel like my mother

so I could one day be enough for her to love me

but just like my mother

they abused and abandoned

they were narcissistic just like she

but that was then

now my boundaries abound

I see the  truth of who I am

I no longer need trauma bonding

my trauma brain synapses are rewired

the holes in my soul are filled with self-love

by mozayik thesoulspoet.com

5.5.2020.1.33p

 

 

 

music is my lover

music is my drug of choice

my constant companion

through all of this terror

it saves me minute by minute from madness

I turn it off , it keeps playing

I get lost in thought,  it keeps swaying

soothing me with lyrics of the last song that wooed me

music touches my soul, my hair follicles, my toes

I start groving and the next thing I know

me and music are rocking and rolling

until I am totally holding

freedom

in the palms of my hands

my fingers keep poping

while I drop it like its hot

before I know it me and music are in love

and we ain’t to proud to show it

music is my lover

my drug of choice

call me a gleeful forever addict

i get high

so i can fly

away on my lyrical horses

above the noises

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

circa 4.2020