Soul Deep

There has always been something deep inside my soul that has kept me going.  Writing poetry allowed my soul to bleed, my soul spoke to me through the words on the pages.

Sometimes I run across something I’ve written long ago and I don’t remember pouring these words onto the paper.  It is usually profound, honest and deeply moving.

Most of my best poetry has been penned while tears rolled down my face.  When the ache in my heart can’t be expressed verbally or the pain is unbearable writing is the only release for the anguish.

I want to share the gifts I have been given.  Each poem expressed something that my mouth could not utter. Each poem a letting of the painful emotions buried for decades.  Words on a paper are safe, but it is time to share.

May every poem be a balm for another soul. needing to know they are not alone.  Hopefully just knowing that another soul made it over to the other side will encourage other women to start their journey to healing.

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invisible w/depression

Wow, Thank God I recovered

I posted this on August 30, 2010.

all i do is sit in my room and cry

while the world passes me by

I’ve become invisible

out of sight out of mind

I’ve been robbed and cheated

out of what i thought my life would be

it is hard not to believe

that it is something i did

to make this horrible reality i now live

seems like the saying is true

nobody wants you

when you are down and out

they get tired of hearing

what your day has been about

the only conversation is about

pain, pain and more pain

so i suffer in silence

unseen because they don’t want

to hear the same

ole song i always sing

everybody has disappeared

to only be replaced by tears

my world is so small

only me, myself and pain

and the tears that fall like rain

mozayik 8/2010

30 days in, then, this

I wrote this letter exactly one month after moving in with an ex.

You promised to not yell at me. You promised I would be free to be me.  All this yelling is unnecessary when a simple reply would suffice. You threatened to lock me in the basement and called me stupid.  What am I to do with this new information about you. Your pride will cause you to lose. No need to be mean and although it hurt so bad I know your angry is not about me.  I’m trying hard not to take it personally, but I was afraid you were going to hit me. I needed to run for my safety even if you were not going to hit me.

Was all that necessary especially when you know my history? Are you not able to control your self and just say Yvette whatever leave me alone? Even when I try to own my mistake and let you know I am sorry pleading for forgiveness, you just let me deal with it alone.

You said you said you said …..you know I don’t deserve it, this has got to stop.  Your flying off the handle makes it hard to trust.  My life has taught me what happens when people are out of control.

I really cant believe this is happing we are too old, you blame me as if I can control you, if you don’t want to argue don’t argue, if you don’t want to fight don’t fight, if you don’t want yelling don’t yell, the way you express your anger or frustration is not appropriate for the situation, I just don’t know what to do with this information.

And don’t try to tell me that it is just me, this is how you have behaved with everybody,

I know this is not the total of who you are, but this one thing will drive us apart, two wrongs don’t make a right, and I don’t want to live my life with strife.  I want to run to find safety.  There will be arguments, but the hollering and screaming has got to cease, I love me too much to put up with that.  You or we are not children that throw temper tantrums, if you are not pleased just simply state it but not at one hundred degrees of aggressiveness.  You can’t blame your behavior on me that is your responsibility to act accordingly.   I see you have a pattern of blowing up on everybody not just me, but it needs to cease if we are to be prosperous and healthy to any degree.

I will not allow you to put the blame for your outbursts on me. Own your shit and fix it so we can move on. I am not perfect and if this is a problem for you and you want it to stop, your behavior is not helping us at all.

I don’t want the responsibility of controlling your behavior. I can only control myself. I will do my best and you know I will, but that shit has got to be chilled. Period, point, blank I am not your puppet master, act like it.

love, sex, and abuse

I kept recreating the scenario where they would leave because I pushed them away and then I could cry victim that they left. I wanted them to come back and love me the way I deserved.

Childhood Emotional Neglect sent me a powerful, subliminal message that my feelings didn’t matter.

I kept looking for the unconditional love that only a mother could give. Now I know though that even mothers can’t give that kind of love sometimes. That is the biggest myth of motherhood. All mothers don’t love their babies because some don’t know how. Some mothers know but lack the resources and support. I was pregnant at 16. I married at 17. I escaped that marriage at 18 with three children. By 19 I was depressed, dealing with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, neglect, and poverty. The only real support I had was my disabled grandmother.

We are designed to benefit from the experience of loving nurturing touch. If you don’t get that as a child, you will search everywhere to find it. I was sexualized and raped at 5, I believed sex was love.

I subconsciously chose situations that felt familiar to me. My toxic environment had shaped me. My mother’s violent relationships were what I was born into. The cycle was intrinsically wired into my brain. They would love each other one minute and the next they were fighting and then they would fuck. It was like that for her entire life.

Subconsciously this is all I knew about relationships. Studies have proven that the first 6 years of a child’s life is when they are the most impressionable. What children learn about the world during this time will be what is subconsciously their default. This is one reason I kept choosing the same people.

I was hoping for a different outcome with each lover but doing the same things I had been programmed to do over and over.

The marvelous thing about a brain is we can rewire it; we can create another default. That is what I am taking the time to do my next level of healing. I am not taking time to grieve over something that was not good for me. That is wasted energy. I see the issue and I understand the why, I know how to fix the issue.

Now my time will be spent being grateful for today. I survived. I have learned. There is some undoing that needs to be done but I am able.

I don’t need another project. No more goals will be set at this time. I just want to slow down and be with the love inside of me. I just want to sit and think about whatever pops into my head. I want to read the books I have on my TO Read LIST. I want to get lost in some sexy Fiction.

It is time for a reset. All my circuits will be busy just loving life and enjoying this big family that God gave to me. I have really accomplished a lot in my 50+ years on this earth. I measure my accomplishments by how many people’s lives have been affected in a positive way by anything I have shared about my healing journey.

As a little girl, I asked God to use me to help somebody so my living would not be in vain. It is time for Release.

Sweet KARMA

Karma is not a bitch.  Karma is sweet.  Karma is fair.

She will give you what you deserve

and about your feelings she doesn’t care.

She will pay you in love,

If that is what you reap.

sowing seeds of love and positivity.

Will keep you out of the path of Karma’s negative proclivity.

Karma will be your friend,

until you make her your enemy.

Whether you acknowledge her or not

she will bite that ass no doubt

it is an absolute guarantee.

See, me and Karma go way back

to a time when I did not know

or respect

her affect.

I finally woke up when my love debt was past due.

I had burned too many bridges,

so, a reckoning with Karma I had to do

that changed my views.

Everyone will get what they are due.

No matter your hue.

Now,

I love every day my very best,

I am reaping love in abundance cause I let go of judgments,

no more right or wrong.

I am living the moments of my life’s song

I have created a life in love for myself,

my journey is filled with valley blessings.

I am receiving my wealth of love that Karma has dispensed.

by Mozayik “the souls’ poet” © 61917

survivor (when my own soul encouraged me)

you are a survivor girl
stand up and be strong
you’ve made it
through storms of  hard times

you’ve seen bad marriages
the letdowns of dreams
but you’re still here

so it seems you can’t make it
seems you can’t see your way
but you’ve made it this far girlfriend
you survived, through it all till this day

go ahead on and be strong.
you’re a survivor because
you’ve hung in there this long.

gone girl with your bad self
only you know what you can do.

just try it.
just believe in your self.

don’t wait for somebody
to tell you that you can make it through.
you know what you’ve got to do

reach deep down inside yourself and
pull out what has been there for so long
stand up and be strong.

girl whatever it took
to make it through a bad marriage
to a drug addict and wife beater

whatever it took to make it
through abuse and rejection

whatever it took when
you were put down

lied to and talked about

but you made it through
you held your head up high
and you kept on going

girl, you can do it
all you gotta do is
stand up and be strong

believe in your self

you are a survivor girl

go ahead on

We don’t want trouble.

I don’t kiss her on the porch when she leaves at night

I kiss her behind closed doors with the drapes drawn tight

we pretend to be sisters or friends

trying hard not to let on that we are a couple

we don’t want trouble

we are not ashamed of our love

we know it is ordained from above

we are friends, soul mates, and lovers

but to protect ourselves we live undercover

we don’t want trouble

we adjust our behavior to appear not different

we pay taxes and do good in our communities

we are not immoral degenerates

we love God, family, and country

but because of homophobia

the government is trying to mandate our love

Are not all people created equal?

What happened to certain inalienable rights?

if you relegate my rights, that is not equal

Why should a few dictate the fate of all?

to pursue happiness, health, and prosperity

it’s our right as citizens of this country

we are some courageous people

it takes guts to be out in America

but we don’t want trouble

it is not fair that our tax dollars are spent protecting the rights of a few

human and civil rights are for us too

we want a job with benefits for our loved ones just like you do

this country can deny us the rights that make us equal

but it can’t mandate our love

you don’t have to like it or even agree

but please be tolerant and allow us the same liberties

discrimination is wrong and  prejudice is ignorant

and to hurt someone because they are different should be non-existent

but because of homophobia

I don’t kiss her on the porch when she leaves at night

I kiss her behind closed doors with the drapes drawn tight

we pretend to be sisters or friends living together

we try hard not to let on that we are lovers

we don’t want trouble

 

Mozayik 7/8/05 ©

to the next lover, she grew up

I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.

That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.

My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.

With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.

Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.

I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.

I am enough for me.

the goodbye poem

it is a sad commentary that our love would end like this

you may not feel anything or don’t even care

my heart is breaking cause

i know this time i don’t have any more love to give you

so you can throw it back in my face

discard me like gum on the bottom of your shoe

i have always been there for you

rescuing, rescuing and rescuing you over and over

only for you to discard, devalue me

i am stronger than your bullying

i know i have been a good woman to you

both of us know i don’t deserve for you

to shut down and treat me as if i am a bothering irritation

i don’t have any more

i hurt

i have hurt

i  give

i have given

been there and gave whatever was needed for our life

i wanted to be your wife

you said we would be together forever

i believed we could make it or else

i would not have come back

but your mistreatment has for the last time

driven me out of the door

all of your excuses don’t mean shit to me anymore

burned all my bridges running back and forth to you

but god got me

i will be alright

will you?

because you will miss me deeply

someone and i hate to say this but it is true,

will treat you worse than you did me

i don’t wish that for you

but you can’t miss the reaping you must do

i will pray for you

we could have ended better

we should have been better than this

why would i stay where i am not wanted

i don’t know how i am going to make it

but i know god knows that i deserve better

i hope better for you

but i am through

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’