NO, and NO I am not alone.

Whew! I am one of those people. The kind that starts immediately looking for the lesson in the situation so it can be over with and I can move on in this journey of healing.

I lost it today as someone stood at the end of my bed. belittling me and talking to me as if I were a child. I forgive myself for giving her another chance. She called and said what I wanted to hear and boom, right back to the same ole same ole dysfunction.  I asked for my possession and she refused to give it to me and I admit it. I lost it. I lunged at her from my hospital bed trying to get my car keys. she refused to give them to me so I got out of my bed and ran down the hospital hallway to get my keys. I got them too, but not without much embarrassment.

I learned that I do have a breaking point. We all do, but staying away from people that bring out the worst in me is the top priority. I am a force now because as I said, lessons are the most important. I really believe life is going to be filled with nothing but positivity. People that play with your mind are dangerous.

I am sorry for taking my family and friends with me on this journey to love. We don’t usually consider how our choices affect our loved ones that have witnessed you suffer needlessly. Healing is a process. Most women go back to an abuser 7 times before actually leaving and staying gone. I will talk more about that in upcoming blog posts.

I did not get real with therapy until I was 50 years old when I found myself cowered in the corner of my bedroom having flashbacks of when I was left home alone at 5. So this 8 year journey has been an education if nothing else. There have been gaps along the way but it has been probably a good 5 of those 8 were spent in therapy.

It became my mission to free myself and destroy patterns and pathologies in the family tree so that “we can rock the future generations without dysfunction”.

So anyway, let me get back to the point. I learned a lot about myself with these last, ugh, few uh, well let us call them revelations.

I learned that I was still co-dependent. I saw it from a different perspective by listening to my dear friend even though we have not ever met in person, Sherry Dickerson. She talked about needing to be needed was classic co-dependency.

I kinda sorta knew that but the way she put it just made all the circuits of codependency go off in my brain.

Finally, I really get it.

I will always go to therapy when things come up that I need support with, the best place to go is to a Mental Health Professional. That can not only listen and validate your feelings but will also give you tools to use while you heal.

I learned that I have been telling myself a lie about being alone.

My son and his wife and my grandson came to see me at the hospital. I did not call him and I should have. I did not want to bother him. That is that old tape playing in my head from childhood that says he is too busy to be bothered with me.

Let me say that none of my children have ever made feel bad about asking for help. I just don’t ask that is my issue. I see that and it does not serve my highest good to not allow my children to be there for me. It is a blessing for both parent and child when our children bless us with their care and concern.

My daughter checked on me throughout the evening and day.

Another son contacted to make sure I was okay.

I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of Facebook friends that prayed with and for me.

I have a great support system. My girlfriends have my back. These are friends from way back 30 or 40 years or more.

No matter what, even if they have to tell me I am wrong, they will still support whatever I decide to do with my life.

NO, and NO I am not alone. God is with me, and in me so I will always have love. I will not be dying alone. that is a lie from hellacious energy cause hell is right here on earth.

I learned how to let go. I am a Cancer so that is a hard one for me. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not stupid. I am kind. But when I realized that I can not trust you, and sometimes it takes me a long time because I have issues, but, baby, you get no more of my goodness. So I am working on keeping my goodies for the one that will appreciate them. I may have already overlooked her but I wasn’t ready. After all of the drama of the last few months, I am still not ready. That is a great place to be.

I learned that I am poised for greatness.

I also learned that my mouth could impede my growth.

I am a fighter. I fight back. I won’t allow you to do me any kind of way but on the flip side, I learned about my Trauma Brain and Trauma Bonding and a lot of other stuff about trauma and why some of us, especially survivors, keep having the same challenges.

I am even more committed to helping women. When I research and help you I am helping myself. As I encourage you, I encourage myself.

Believe me, I know when to quit, although it may appear that I don’t, and that is okay. I am going to continue letting God lead the way and keep on getting these lessons. This education will catapult me to the next level. I count it all joy, even the F*** ups. As long as we learn, hey, it is all good, right?

Thank you for letting me be myself again

Mozayik

8.18.19.4.41

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Words of the Matriarch

Nana Reflections
I have granddaughters that left for college today. I cried. Not because I am sad but because I am so happy for our family.
I had a granddaughter that went to kindergarten this week and she is filled with so much promise.
 
Life is so good. My heart fills with pride when I see my happy grandchildren thriving and safe. Being raised by loving parents. Being better parents than I was while preparing the next generation of our Legacy of Love.
 
I am the oldest in my generation, so that makes me the Matriarch of this family tree. We have destroyed some branches that were not serving us well. We have had things crop up as life will do you. But when the chips are down, we huddle together in love, we pray, we pitch in wherever needed and we overcome together.
 
My children probably don’t even realize just how special they are, and I know I am the mother and would say that, but it is true. Anyone that knows any of them can vouch for that.
We have consciously determined to be love and positive energy in this world. How beautiful that I can say that about all of my children and grandchildren.
 
We are not perfect but we are love and loving. We don’t tolerate any negativity or malicious gossip when we get together. We keep it real because we have learned that lies and secrets kill.
I wonder do they remember that when they would speak ill of one another I would have us sit in a circle and say something nice about everybody in that circle.
 
I am just being reflective of how blessed we are as a family.
I am trying to be the best me so that they can be proud of me too.
I was not the best mom or grandmom but I always tell the truth and I accept everybody exactly the way they are. Giving them the freedom to express themselves.
mozayik

Letting It Out (more room out than in)

Whew! today has been loooong. I feel like I need to shake it off, shake off all the energy that is not mine. So much has happened today. So much has changed I have been in deep thought about a lot of things. I have questioned my own motives for doing a thing. I know that great struggle will produce enormous growth. So I count it all Joy.

My therapist is leaving the YWCA. I am happy for her. I am happy that she is doing what will serve her highest good. I trust her. She has supported me through some pretty rough terrain since I moved back to St. Louis. One of the main reasons I moved back home was because I could not, no matter what I did, get any kind of therapy at all.

They said my income was too high. Really, umph, anyway, I went all that time without any therapy. Yeah, I was fine for the most part, but I had some struggles with anxiety. I was not depressed because I had a strong relationship with God. I had sunshine and the tools I learned in therapy. I had processed all of the trauma that was causing the depression. I know how to keep my joy.

Please let me say that I don’t regret anything. I needed what Phoenix taught but I knew it was time to come home. Even if no one else understood. There were many reasons that God led me back to St Louis. Me and God we good like that, I know and trust God to lead me. Wherever I am God is.

I learned so much from the therapy I had already had, but there were some missing pieces. Healing is a process. Like going to school, you graduate to different levels based on your understanding of the Curriculum.

Coming home and working with her has taken my understanding to the next level. I needed to understand why I have continued to have certain challenges.

She said I get it. I tackle a problem head-on. I don’t live in denial but choose to make the changes necessary to be at peace. I am not a whiner and if I complain about something, I am willing to be the change. After a few therapists, I realized what worked for me. Talking is good for some but in addition to that, I need something practical to do. I tell therapists that when I first meet them now.

I am rambling, I know, but I am a writer that spills her thoughts and feelings onto the page where it can make sense. I have learned the hard way that there is more room out than in. That was one of my grandmothers’ favorite sayings, “There is more room out than in.” but she was talking about farting. But it applies to our emotions as well. Holding things in will literally kill you.

So, thanks for listening y’all

I am breathing better now.

If none of this makes sense, please chalk it up to venting. Thanks for letting me be myself again.

mozayik

 

Poetry is My LIfeLine

if it were not for poetry

I would have given up long ago

poetry is the window to my soul

the light in the darkness

sanity instead of delusion

poetry allows me to look at myself

to take my eyes off you

 

Poetry inspires me

sets my soul free

when confused

and I can’t stand

to look at your face

and fear keeps me from speaking

and shame and disgrace

cloud my world

 

poetry inspires me

to set on paper all things ugly

all things deep

so deep if spoken

it would cut

like a sword into your gray matter

and pierce your heart

causing you to want my blood

 

poetry inspires me

it lets me gather my thoughts

so you and I can remain free

to coexist without war

poetry has taken me far

been my release

 

if it were not for poetry

I would have thrown myself

on the floor

pulled out my hair

ran naked out my door

screaming

I can’t take it no more

 

poetry inspires me

to drop to my knees

ask God

for more strength to go on

with my prayer answered

I can go walking

out the door fully clothed

thanking God for strength

mercy and grace once more

I need is poetry

 

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

circa 2000

We need each other, y’all.

STRUGGLE? A lot of times I am called “harsh” because I don’t really have a lot of pity for people that whine about their BLESSINGS. If you have not struggled you have no idea what struggle is. Nothing gets under my skin more than women gossiping and tearing other women down. We need each other, y’all.
I was an 18-year-old girl with 3 children that included twins living in my grandmother’s basement. I was married but he was a drug addict and wife beater. I had to flee from him to keep me and my children safe. After leaving him I was getting up before dawn to catch two buses to school and then catch another bus to work a part-time job after school only to get home at 10:30 at night.
I did the very best I could. I made some bad decisions but I was a child myself that had been abandoned by my mother I did not have a clue how to mother.
I wish my community and family had helped me and not judged me. Something very bad happened to me before I even started kindergarten and that is why I behaved as I did. My passion and my purpose for helping women come from my own struggle. #StopWhining #GodIsGreat#BeGrateful

Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

Trauma Bonding My Truth

Stopping the violence against women starts with telling the truth. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be going through this again but giving cover to abusers is no longer acceptable. Obviously, I have some more healing to do. Being Empathic can be deadly. I am transparent because that is what I am called to be. How else will women get the truth about what is really going on with us and why we keep doing the same thing over and over. We need to start talking about this very prevalent issue of Domestic violence.

I am so angry and that is a part of healing, but damn, I get double angry that the reason women like me keep choosing the same person over and over is that some A-hole did something to us so bad that it left us broken.

I still want to be a relatable example and the irony of it, is I AM A RELATABLE EXAMPLE. I am okay with that. Whatever is necessary for all o our healing.

This is my expression of truth in anger while I heal, reprogram my subconscious and continue on my purpose to do exactly what God called me to do. We can be free.

I have seen TOO MANY WOMEN living in fear all of my life. I am going to figure this ish out and help us all to understand and grow.

All of my abusers had this to say about me “That mouth of yours…..”

See, I am not going to allow you to talk to me any kind of way, so when I stand up for myself or try to enforce my boundaries they want to fight me because they can’t control me. But this scenario was familiar to me because of the programming of my subconscious as a child. All of my mother’s relationships were violent. As an infant, I was being wired to feel like this type of exchange between people that love each other is normal.

The part I play in all of it is not paying attention to the red flags or repeating the cycle all codependents go through. The cycle of  Rescuer, Victim, and Perpetrator.  I moved too fast in some situations and not so fast in others but no matter the circumstances I know now that I was only seeking healing. So here I go on this next therapy journey. I am assured by my therapist that this time healing won’t take as long. I am committed. It is my purpose

#GirlGetSomeHelp #TraumaBondingIsReal #NeverAgain

 

Fight, is My Middle Name

I’ve fought all of my life
Coming here backward was a glimpse 
I was born fighting and born to fight
There have been times when I didn’t want to fight
But because I am fight
I fought
Again and again
I fought

I have fought for rights
Fought for love
Fought for and with my words
I have fought old people with a challenge to the status quo
Saying we don’t have to do that anymore
I have fought for children that nobody wanted

There has been in fighting
Out fighting with only two of us
kicked down doors with my fight
Been speaking my piece to gain peace with my fight
My fight has won tons of progress
I fight for the ones that don’t have any fight.

they can count on me to fight

I stopped fighting one day
I tried to keep the fight behind closed doors 
God called me to fight so I fought again once more
I fought the teacher along with the university, 

making them see my invisible disability

I have fought directors, presidents, public officials, doctors, lawyers
Even religious individuals
Shit, I have fought anybody telling me no
Growing up all I saw was fight
Fight to smile
Fight to keep the tears, shed the tears,
hold the tears at bay
save those tears to fuel the fight another day
I am going to keep on fighting

fight is my middle name

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
2.21.19

**STL HOMESICK**

I want to go home
homesick for my people in St Louis
I miss being around those that know me
the shock of culture in Phoenix is stark
I miss those that hold my heart
never thought I would miss St Louis
not missing the mold and high humidity
but I do miss the familiarity of my city
a walk in Creve Coeur park stimulated creativity
strolling through the Delmar loop
or traveling down Euclid looking for parking
just to get some Chinese food
is what I want to do.
just woke up this morning missing St Louis
yearning to swing down to the mangrove
by way of forest park
after viewing a movie premiere
sitting comfy in the art museum
twilight Tuesday celebrated
the music that flowed through our city
I have to admit it, St Louis is in my blood and I don’t regret it

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

4.30.17 1:55 PM