A letter to survivors
https://thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
— Read on thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
I was torn between being a good Christian and a good citizen.
Wanting to please God but needing to protect myself.
That was the dichotomy of my faith.
“If he wants you the bible says you must stay until he doesn’t.”
My faith was being tested, that is what pastor said.
My question to pastor?
How do you love someone that has left you black and blue?
How do you love the you that allows the abuse?
Mama said shame on you if let them hit you twice,
the first time should be enough.
Mama never talked about the fight or flight into myself.
In my crib I was programmed for trauma bonding.
I became addicted to the rush of chemicals from my own brain
as she participated in the disdain of herself
only to allow it to happen again.
I was wired to repeat the cycle of pain
God forgives
But a price must still be paid for the abuse.
Charges should be brought against all perpetrators.
The pain they cause not only break our hearts,
it leaves a stain upon our image of self.
Now we understand.
We can get some help.
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp
By Zuri Savage
8.8.2021.10.13a
triggering event
flash back to the past
reliving as child
helplessness learned
feels familiar
even if abnormal
sometimes alone is safer but inflicts more pain
and the cycle repeats again and again
running
looking for rescue
anybody will do
just so i can make you love me
hate me
leave me
abuse me
so, I can make true
nobody loves me
isn’t that what you did to me
because it was done to you
so, we are stuck in this maze of abuse
today though, I’m really freaking tired of everyday being about you
I’m still running away while clinging to you
I don’t know how to separate me from you
yvette mozayik circa 2017
this poem fell onto the paper like most
#DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp
I feel compelled to share this. When I was 16 I had Agoraphobia. I could not even open my front door and step less than 4 feet to get the mail out of the mailbox. I understand now that Agoraphobia is what was going on. I don’t know how I overcame it but I do remember doing some breathing and meditation techniques I learned from a psychology book I had checked out of the school library.
This is why I say that our soul knows what we need to heal.
I don’t believe that I am any different than anyone else. I believe we all have it within us to thrive. But, just in case I was called out to learn so that I can teach. I am sharing this with you in hopes there is someone that needs this information, You can heal, you can transcend the pain. It sucks that you have to do it and sometimes you have to do it alone but God is always with you. In your soul are all the answers.
Lately, I have had a very hard time leaving my apartment. This Pandemic, the politics of the pandemic, the protests, the continuous news loops of people that look like me being murdered in cold blood, the politics, and again the politics has been going on for so long. I will be 60 soon and I have seen it all before. There is something different this time.
I am a baby boomer so it is a beautiful sight to see our grandchildren leading the way to justice for all.
There are no instructions as to how to navigate through this except the most simplistic of all and that is the basics of washing hands, staying at least 6 away, and wear a mask. We all are finding a new normal.
I plan to make it out alive and thriving.
God is the source and strength of my life. God removes all pain, misery, and strife. God promised to keep me and never leave me. God has always been my provider, my way maker, and my comfort.
Be encouraged whoever you are that needed to know that this too shall pass and God got you just like all the times before.
🙌🦋👑#GirlGotSomeHelp #MeAndGodWeGotThis
I had a core belief that I did not deserve to be treated well. Of course, this is an expected response to abandonment, neglect, rape, and abuse. How else was my psyche able to allow this assault on my person, on my innocent soul?
It killed my healthy self-image. Convinced me that, I, the victim deserved this because I was bad and nobody cared. I had been programmed to expect to be traumatized.
I was guilty of not being enough. I was guilty of everything that had ever happened to me. I was guilty of ruining everybody’s life. I was fucking guilty if I did not buy the right toothpaste.
guilty felt normal
grandma said my mother did not want me
so I was guilty of being a burden
guilty of being unwanted
guilty of needing love
guilty of not adequately paying the debt I owed
for never being enough no matter how hard I tried
mother said I was crazy cause Mamie j raised me
after she abandoned me
it was my grandmothers fault for doing
what my mother did not
I was not enough to be kept
I was not enough for her to love me unconditionally
so I kept running into the arms that made me
feel like my mother
so I could one day be enough for her to love me
but just like my mother
they abused and abandoned
they were narcissistic just like she
but that was then
now my boundaries abound
I see the truth of who I am
I no longer need trauma bonding
my trauma brain synapses are rewired
the holes in my soul are filled with self-love
by mozayik thesoulspoet.com
5.5.2020.1.33p
I have not been promoting my book because that journey has ended. I don’t know where I would be without poetry. I was born a poet because that is what I needed to give voice to my pain. I bled onto the pages and it helped to heal me.
The poems in my book tell the story of my healing. It is amazing to me how clearly the poems actually chronologically portray my healing process. The title was My Healing Journey and I actually published and printed the part of the book that was finished at that time in 2008.
My healing journey was not complete, though. The book has gone from 48 pages to 80 pages. It seemed it would never be complete because every editing session triggered me. I would spiral down into depression, get into therapy and when I felt better or I allowed myself to be distracted I stopped therapy. there were also other reasons I had to stop, like insurance or lack thereof.
The book became one of my biggest motivators to continue therapy. I could clearly see my progress but also see where there was more work needed. I started to realize that my soul knew what I needed to heal. So I trusted it. It became apparent that the book would not get published or even completed until I healed.
The book became a labor of self-love. It became my promise to God that I would give my gift at no cost. Writing is the tool or gift God has given me to heal myself and to heal others. It is better to give.
A therapist once told me that after I did the work to heal that I would be happier than I could imagine. I did not believe her but I had to try and see what the end was going to be. What did I have to lose? I had happiness to gain, so I finally committed to therapy because being in pain became unbearable.
I got very serious about healing once I started having flashbacks. I had to face the fact that I suffered with PTSD. As it is often said, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. In January 2012 I was led to the YWCA where I spent over 3 years healing from childhood sexual abuse.
My therapist told me that I could be healed from PTSD and Fibromyalgia. She was right. It is true, that if you heal the mind you heal the body. Depression hurts.
I went over 3 years without therapy but the journey was not over. I still dealt with anxiety. Depression was and still is a thing of the past. I still had to heal from domestic violence among other things that had left side effects.
I don’t regret any part of my journey. I am a powerhouse now for women that are healing or want to start healing.
I was born with a calling to tell women that they can be free from the pain that stops them from being all that they want to be. God has used me to pull women from the edge of the ledge. I am sure I could not even imagine how much God has used me to tell women they can be free.
So I regret nothing. I was called out to endure and heal to say, “Girl get you some help”.
This last year in therapy and the last domestic violence experience gave me valuable lessons. Iyanla VanZant said, “There is value in the valley”. 2019 took my understanding of why I and many other women keep choosing the same type of person. We attract to us the people we need to heal. Sounds a little skewed but it is true. When we heal that part of ourselves we no longer need that situation to mirror our pain.
I have learned about things like Trauma bonding and The Trauma Brain and Narsacism as well as what it means to be an Empath. I count it all Joy. This information was essential for me to complete my journey to healing.
I decided ten years ago to take control of my life and make the necessary changes to have a better quality of life. I needed my children to be proud of me. I wanted them to see that Mama worked hard to get her shit together. I wanted to show not tell them that asking for help is a sign of strength and if you are willing to do the work you can change.
Now it is time to thrive. Now it is time to teach. Now is the time to reach even more women with the message, “I promise on the other side of healing is Happy”.
I kept recreating the scenario where they would leave because I pushed them away and then I could cry victim that they left. I wanted them to come back and love me the way I deserved.
Childhood Emotional Neglect sent me a powerful, subliminal message that my feelings didn’t matter.
I kept looking for the unconditional love that only a mother could give. Now I know though that even mothers can’t give that kind of love sometimes. That is the biggest myth of motherhood. All mothers don’t love their babies because some don’t know how. Some mothers know but lack the resources and support. I was pregnant at 16. I married at 17. I escaped that marriage at 18 with three children. By 19 I was depressed, dealing with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, neglect, and poverty. The only real support I had was my disabled grandmother.
We are designed to benefit from the experience of loving nurturing touch. If you don’t get that as a child, you will search everywhere to find it. I was sexualized and raped at 5, I believed sex was love.
I subconsciously chose situations that felt familiar to me. My toxic environment had shaped me. My mother’s violent relationships were what I was born into. The cycle was intrinsically wired into my brain. They would love each other one minute and the next they were fighting and then they would fuck. It was like that for her entire life.
Subconsciously this is all I knew about relationships. Studies have proven that the first 6 years of a child’s life is when they are the most impressionable. What children learn about the world during this time will be what is subconsciously their default. This is one reason I kept choosing the same people.
I was hoping for a different outcome with each lover but doing the same things I had been programmed to do over and over.
The marvelous thing about a brain is we can rewire it; we can create another default. That is what I am taking the time to do my next level of healing. I am not taking time to grieve over something that was not good for me. That is wasted energy. I see the issue and I understand the why, I know how to fix the issue.
Now my time will be spent being grateful for today. I survived. I have learned. There is some undoing that needs to be done but I am able.
I don’t need another project. No more goals will be set at this time. I just want to slow down and be with the love inside of me. I just want to sit and think about whatever pops into my head. I want to read the books I have on my TO Read LIST. I want to get lost in some sexy Fiction.
It is time for a reset. All my circuits will be busy just loving life and enjoying this big family that God gave to me. I have really accomplished a lot in my 50+ years on this earth. I measure my accomplishments by how many people’s lives have been affected in a positive way by anything I have shared about my healing journey.
As a little girl, I asked God to use me to help somebody so my living would not be in vain. It is time for Release.
Karma is not a bitch. Karma is sweet. Karma is fair.
She will give you what you deserve
and about your feelings she doesn’t care.
She will pay you in love,
If that is what you reap.
sowing seeds of love and positivity.
Will keep you out of the path of Karma’s negative proclivity.
Karma will be your friend,
until you make her your enemy.
Whether you acknowledge her or not
she will bite that ass no doubt
it is an absolute guarantee.
See, me and Karma go way back
to a time when I did not know
or respect
her affect.
I finally woke up when my love debt was past due.
I had burned too many bridges,
so, a reckoning with Karma I had to do
that changed my views.
Everyone will get what they are due.
No matter your hue.
Now,
I love every day my very best,
I am reaping love in abundance cause I let go of judgments,
no more right or wrong.
I am living the moments of my life’s song
I have created a life in love for myself,
my journey is filled with valley blessings.
I am receiving my wealth of love that Karma has dispensed.
by Mozayik “the souls’ poet” © 61917
you are a survivor girl
stand up and be strong
you’ve made it
through storms of hard times
you’ve seen bad marriages
the letdowns of dreams
but you’re still here
so it seems you can’t make it
seems you can’t see your way
but you’ve made it this far girlfriend
you survived, through it all till this day
go ahead on and be strong.
you’re a survivor because
you’ve hung in there this long.
gone girl with your bad self
only you know what you can do.
just try it.
just believe in your self.
don’t wait for somebody
to tell you that you can make it through.
you know what you’ve got to do
reach deep down inside yourself and
pull out what has been there for so long
stand up and be strong.
girl whatever it took
to make it through a bad marriage
to a drug addict and wife beater
whatever it took to make it
through abuse and rejection
whatever it took when
you were put down
lied to and talked about
but you made it through
you held your head up high
and you kept on going
girl, you can do it
all you gotta do is
stand up and be strong
believe in your self
you are a survivor girl
go ahead on
I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.
That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.
My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.
With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.
Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.
I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.
I am enough for me.
The Souls' Poet 