A letter to survivors
https://thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
— Read on thesoulspoet.com/2016/10/24/a-letter-to-survivors-it-never-gets-old/
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
I’ve fought all my life
Coming here backward after 64 hours of labor
was a glimpse of my fight
I came feet first
I was born fighting
There have been times when I didn’t want to fight
But because I am fight
I fought
Again, and again
I fought
I have fought for rights
Fought for love
Fought for and with my words
I have fought for children that nobody wanted
There has been infighting
Out fighting with only two of us
I’ve kicked down doors with my fight
Been speaking my piece to gain peace with my fight
My fight has won tons of progress
I fight for the ones that don’t have any fight
They can count on me to fight
I stopped fighting one day
I tried to keep the fight at bay
It did not work
God called me to fight
so, I fought again once more
I fought the professor along with the university,
making them see my invisible disability
I have fought directors, presidents, public officials,
doctors, lawyers, even religious individuals
Shit, I have fought anybody telling me no
Growing up all I saw was fight
Fight to smile
Fight to keep the tears away
Save those tears to fuel the fight another day
I am going to keep on fighting
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
2.21.19
Some have asked, “Yvette why did you do it?”
My answer, I did it because I wanted to.
I did it because it needed to be done.
Somebody had to do it.
F that mess about keeping our business in our house.
That is precisely why I did it,
it was time out for letting abusers get away with it.
It was time out for others controlling the narrative about my life.
It had to be done.
Why should I have walked around in shame?
Why should I have hidden the marks placed on my body
by someone that said they loved me?
Why should I have worn long sleeves so I would not be ashamed
when people asked how that happened?
Was I supposed to walk around in secrecy
trying to cover up your indecency?
Hell no, I did it because it had to be done.
It was time out for people getting away with hurting me.
I did it for all the girls and boys that went to sleep weeping
because they could not speak their truth.
I did it so you would suffer the shame that you threw.
I threw it back at you
and all those that thought they got away with hurting others.
I did it so you would get help,
or crawl into a hole and leave us good people alone.
Be gone or get some help.
I did it because I needed to be sure we were through.
I did it because I wanted to.
The same way you wanted to hurt me.
But I was not trying to hurt.
I did it so a way could be paved.
So someone would have courage to do what I did
I bet you thought this was about you.
Mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
5.2.2021.12.29a
MAKE A CHOICE TODAY TO BELIEVE IN YOU
Give in to the belief that you are unique
with talents and gifts all your own
No one can do it like you
No one but you can make your dream come true
Whatever mistakes we make are only a tool
To purge and cut to help make us rule
Better we learn from them and move on
Don’t wallow in self pity and doubt
Use your errors as a spring board to break out
Bounce back to the positive
Give in to the belief that you are someone special
Grab it, take hold of it and don’t let it go
Speak it, Chant it, Pray it,
Say it until you’ve convinced your own soul
You are SOMEBODY for the world to behold
I had a panic attack. I was afraid to leave my apartment. I cried, I prayed and I grabbed my box cutter, mace, gloves, mask and sanitizing wipes. I reminded myself that “I AM NOT MY FEELINGS” I went out and got my medicine because no one was coming to save me. I prayed that I would not be stopped by the police because they may not understand that I had to take the weapons to protect myself. They may think that I mean to harm them or they may use it as an excuse to kill me. All kinds of thoughts run through your head when you are a black woman living alone with ptsd.
I look back on 2020 and know that it was God that I held on to me, otherwise I never would have made it. I would have lost my mind, y’all know the rest of the song.
Thank God for therapy or else I probably would have just lay there and kept crying. This pandemic, the isolation, losing people that I love, and living alone with the constant uncertainty is starting to get to me. I am just keeping it real.
Crying helped me to release my emotions because I know that I am not my feelings so the sooner I face the fear and let it go the better.
BUT, I am exhausted from the unrelenting battle with fear. I am not paranoid. I have valid reasons to be afraid to step outside my front door. I was brutally beaten in the streets in July. I saw the man in my neighborhood again and he recognized me.
I came here to live because I was fleeing a domestically violent partner. I was unemployed and living in my daughters basement. They were the first people to give me a lease. I figured I would get in and get out but I had no idea what was about to happen.
I have been trying to move but the manager where I live is a Narcissistic a-hole that has it in for me because I wanted to start a tenant associations to address the horrific conditions she expects people to live in.
One example is allowing raw sewage to run through the parking lot while people walked through it and took it back into the buildings during the Coronavirus Pandemic. I reported it and forced her hand with other things so every time I apply somewhere else she lies and says that I have bogus lease violations. It is a very long story.
I have a good job and I don’t want to live here anymore but she thinks she is making good on her threat that if I sue her “I wont have any place to live.” God is still in control though especially since I have done nothing wrong by trying to help improve our living conditions.
I know that I am not the only one going through things. I am just telling my little story. I am tired of Covid-19, tired of racism, tired of white people not getting, that, WE BEEN TIRED. Tired of fighting for the basic right to feel like I matter.
We are supposed to be celebrating the legacy of Dr. King but now we live in a world where Hatred is at an all-time high. It is all very disheartening. I know I will survive. I always do, but I need a f***ing break.
you had to learn that life is not fair
play by the unjust rules or lose
they set you up just to tear you down
whatever goes around comes around
there are some things we can’t change
some things we cannot manipulate
try as we may
there really is a thing called fate
destiny if you believe
the universe is under God’s control
take a minute to think about it
the earth keeps turning
the sun forever shines
the moon revolves around us
and birds always chirp
summer comes, winter goes
trees bud each and every spring
it rains when the heavens declare it should
nothing we can do to stop it
if we could just trust in the universal laws
the world keeps turning but we don’t fall
plant a seed deep in the ground and watch it grow
from a tiny seed to a mighty tree
stop, think about it for a minute
if we would just believe
it’s hard when all around us we see injustice
every day they try to take our dignity
but you are in control ultimately
of what you let them plant in your soul
take the good, plant it in you
can’t find it out there in the world
find it in yourself
nurture goodness and peace
it will grow inside your soul
you really do reap what you sow
tell them go ahead hate me
because I believe in justice and equality
but one day just like a seed
I’ll grow into a mighty tree
I’ll be a power to be reckoned with
I held onto what I believed
I didn’t let you plant your seeds of negativity in me
I became responsible made good choices
held on steadfastly to the belief that
what I put out there is what I’ll receive
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’ 1997
for Melisa when things were hard
2 Timothy 1:7 KJV
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
I am no longer comfortable using the word fear or the word afraid. The other day I told my daughter that I was not coming out because I was afraid of coming out after dark. Fear feeds anxiety.
Because I have been given a sound mind and because of the love I have for my own wellbeing I am empowered by the spirit of god that lives in me to make a wise decision and protect myself. There are many rational reasons why it is not wise for me an African American Woman to go out alone in the dark during these unprecedented times.
From now on I will to be focused on the fact that because of the spirit of God that lives in me I do not have to fear anything.
Fear is illusion. Trusting God requires fearlessness.
#INeededThatLesson
I had a core belief that I did not deserve to be treated well. Of course, this is an expected response to abandonment, neglect, rape, and abuse. How else was my psyche able to allow this assault on my person, on my innocent soul?
It killed my healthy self-image. Convinced me that, I, the victim deserved this because I was bad and nobody cared. I had been programmed to expect to be traumatized.
I was guilty of not being enough. I was guilty of everything that had ever happened to me. I was guilty of ruining everybody’s life. I was fucking guilty if I did not buy the right toothpaste.
guilty felt normal
grandma said my mother did not want me
so I was guilty of being a burden
guilty of being unwanted
guilty of needing love
guilty of not adequately paying the debt I owed
for never being enough no matter how hard I tried
mother said I was crazy cause Mamie j raised me
after she abandoned me
it was my grandmothers fault for doing
what my mother did not
I was not enough to be kept
I was not enough for her to love me unconditionally
so I kept running into the arms that made me
feel like my mother
so I could one day be enough for her to love me
but just like my mother
they abused and abandoned
they were narcissistic just like she
but that was then
now my boundaries abound
I see the truth of who I am
I no longer need trauma bonding
my trauma brain synapses are rewired
the holes in my soul are filled with self-love
by mozayik thesoulspoet.com
5.5.2020.1.33p
Healing is amazing. The man that raped me at 5 was named George. Before therapy anytime I heard the name George I would immediately be transported in my mind to him raping me. So I avoided George at all times. If I overheard the name I had to put my armor on. Without even knowing it that name had the power to send me to my bed for days.
Where I work the Fitness Instructor’s name is George. We were in an African performing arts group in the late ’90s together but I knew him by another name then.
I do believe that my steps are divinely ordered. I believe this situation was tailor-made for me. When I first heard his name I did not run home to my bed. I don’t even think I recognized it as a past trigger.
Because he worked there his name was called out frequently. I would sometimes give George a ride home. On one occasion he asked me to take him to Walmart and then we would go to lunch, his treat. Well, the place “he” had chosen objectified women. I felt uncomfortable because of the staff’s attire. Most people’s bra and panties have more coverage than these young women were wearing.
He started going on about someone he knew really liked asses. I stopped him mid-story and told him that I did not objectify women. After that, I had to set some clear boundaries with George. The women at work say he was testing me. I stopped being chummy with him.
George had a stroke. Every day now his name is called out by people asking how he is doing. I am the person at the front desk. I am usually the one giving an update about his progress.
The George that raped me at five is dead to me now.
I have become desensitized to that name. Flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance caused by George are a thing of the past.
This is what healing feels like.
The George that raped me at 5 was murdered in prison. I don’t know this to be true but my memory is that my Father got the word out that he had raped his little girl and they killed him.
Before therapy, he was still alive for me. I wanted to kill him so badly. I thought that it was unfair that he was dead. I was angry because I could not make him suffer.
As I write this I take deep breaths and release any residual energy still tied to that event in my life. I made it to the promised land of happiness.
Ding Dong George is Dead, Finally.
someone walks into the room quietly and i jump
the startle reflex is the dominant symptom of the day
that was yesterday
today
i hyperventilate as i drive back home
i saw a man walking in the dark around our doors
I am triggered by this, i am tired, i have not slept
i am trying to put fear back on the shelf
understanding is far and i am just a complaint
my body hurts, i have struggled with chores
while trying to take care of my health
if i try to explain how i have felt
it is always and never
go back to your happy place self
the throw away is imminently dealt
the rejection, the judgment because i am myself
could i just not be me
i struggle with accepting me the way i are
i am scarred
i am scarred
i may even be broken but
most of the time i am just angry
about the battle days with fear
gripping me tight choking out safe light
i must fight to let it go
i must tell my mind that this is not then
and it is not happening again like before
so many befores’
so many befores’
sometimes they come rushing out the doors of my soul
in a second
a simple moment
i could lose control
i could stumble down the dark hole of ptsd
hypervigilance, easily startled, just fucking afraid of everything
it affects my breathing, my being
at least after therapy
i know what is happening to me
i can use my breath to regain free
i can breathe to release my body from this memory
my soul reminds me of who i am and the awesome power to live is me
in a single moment
i breath
shutting the door to the past
accepting me
even if no one else gets it
i still must love and live with myself
my superpower is the unconditional love that resides in me
fear is not really a factor
God lives in me
bring it on fear
i only need to breathe
to be free
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
4.9.2019 716a
The Souls' Poet 