The Impetus “the book”

I thought I had finished my book in 2008. I know, 10 years, right? The first title was “My Healing Journey”.  I titled it this because the poems told a story of my healing chronologically. The chapters and themes are the same today in the The Souls’ Poetry.

The early poems spoke in the voice of the victim and then progressed through the many layers of healing. Light, Darkest before Dawn,  Anger, Bitterness etc……with Self Love being the super power needed to stay committed to healing. I made huge sacrifices for my healing. At one point I was estranged from my entire family. Healing can be messy and it will uproot anything that is resistant to change.

I believe once a woman has healed she can support other women in their healing. Often times as was in my case, that woman is the only one in her entire family courageous enough to say “Oh No, not on my watch will this pathology continue in my family.”  A lot give up because no one around them really understand what she is going through.

It was apparent to me that my soul was speaking through my poetry. I promise you that I don’t know where the name “the souls’ poet” originated. I know exactly how my pen name “moayik” was created. But exactly when I started calling myself “the souls’ poet”. I spell  souls’ with an apostrophe s because I am a poet to all souls’. I belong to God and Universe. My soul’s mission is to inspired other soul’s to speak.

Mozayik suited me perfectly. I had started to see my value. I was getting a glimpse of  the beauty of  healing on my broken soul.  I became aware of my soul’s mission and agreement in this lifetime.

My trademark “mozayik” butterfly speaks to the transformation of my soul. All the broken pieces of my soul had beautiful purpose. Each mosaic is unique and has its own story to tell. The pieces are made beautiful and whole again resulting in a masterpiece.

On my journey to healing and wholeness I have written poetry. My soul’s expression is poetry. All of us have our own way of giving voice to our soul.  We call it Art. We are called artists. Our artistry is our soul’s expression.

Most of my poetry was penned while tears rolled into puddles formed in the creases in my neck, soaking the pages while the letting of the words took place. I could not stop and wipe my tears. My hand would just write and I really had no idea what I was writing or if any of it made sense because the words manifested release and when the energy to write dissipated so did the energy of the emotion that had lead to the tears.
A weight lifted, I remembered to breath, Enough pain came out to allow me to go on with life. It has been said that pain is fear leaving your body. I am a witness this is a truth.

After some time I would look in my journal at what I had written and see a rhythm and rhyme to the words. The caddance was poetic. Sometimes my mouth would drop open because I could not believe that I had written something so profound. I have written all of my life and have probably read at the very least a thousand books in my lifetime but did not recognize my gift as a writer until my soul started to speak through my poetry in the early 90’s.

It is a long story but the point is, this is my calling. I was born a poet. My poetry is my gift to help facilitate other women’s healing.

Anyway, getting back to the book. I knew it had to be edited before publishing, but everytime I would try to edit it depression would set in and I would head back to therapy. At first I did not see the pattern. It took being diagnosed with PTSD and years of therapy to understand my triggers. Learning how to manage triggers takes practice but it can be done with the tools that work for the individual.
After a lifetime of literally running for my life over and over again I decided something had to change.  I have moved 40 times in my lifetime. (book coming) Mostly after being triggered and feeling like I was no longer safe. It was just a feeling. I learned in therapy that I am not my feelings. That was then, this is now.

Therapy was hard and brutal but the self love, contentment and peace gained from doing the work is worth it. I’m happy and that is something I never thought was possible. I am not a therapist but I have done my work in therapy for years. I have had some phenomenal therapists and I have have some not so good. I can offer an example women can relate to, serving as someone that understands what it takes to actually do the work.

My healing became a life or death situation after being involved with abusive partners over and over, that were violent in one way or another. A few times I did even know it was abuse. Just because someone is not hitting you does not mean they are not violent.

I woke up and saw that I was  the common denominator. I accepted that people will be who they are and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to change. I am still on the journey to change. Being better than I was yesterday is my ultimate goal.
Everytime I could not get it together I  asked God, “What is wrong with me?” There was never anything wrong with me. But it was always about what had happened to me. I was raped at five and the trauma continued my entire life until I decided I could no longer deal with the pain and decided to commit to therapy.

I had to see what the end was going to be. I believe that my healing is a lifelong journey but I wanted to at least get to a place where I could finish my book.

I knew that  book was the gift I had to give away.  Blogging about therapy and the poems in the book as they related to my therapy allowed me to heal while hopefully being an example that therapy will work if you give it a chance.

Writing has always been my saving grace. Using what I have learned from my experience with therapy and writing is my purpose. This is what I was born to do.

I believe I can assist women with giving voice to their pain. I know I can inspire women to seek therapy. I know I can tell my stories about my experience that will encourage women to hang in there and come through on the other side of darkness. There really is a light in our souls. We all have purpose and this is mine.

The blogging is the book. I see that now. It is all so very clear.

Of course there is still so much of my story to tell. My daughter has been encouraging me to write my memoirs. I will.

The Souls’ Poetry is my true story in poetry. I could elaborate more on the poems and posts, but this is the start. This is what my soul has to say. My pain has been given a voice and that brought healing.

It was a long, tedious and tumultuous journey. I did not give up and I want to support and encourage women to commit to healing. I have found some creative ways to make that happen.

My next post will talk about how the blog became the business.

The book “The Souls’ Poetry” has been the impetus.

 

 

 

2-Edged Sword of PTSD

So, I sit, and I write

There are days when the words are the only thing I can trust. The words allow me to control the amount of trust given. When you have ptsd there are days when there is not one person that you can trust. They could be the most trust worthy person and deserving of your faith in their ability not to intentionally hurt you.

Because of all the many times people have deliberately plotted to take advantage of you it is with earnest effort that a person with ptsd extends any amount of trust to you.

I am intelligent enough to know that nobody is perfect. Being glaringly aware of my own frailties, makes me also aware of the reasons why people do what they do. I live between the logical knowledge of realistically knowing that people just need to be accepted for who they are and the fact that people committed horrendous acts against me when I was at my weakest and most vulnerable.

Craving physical touch but if I can’t trust you when I need compassion the most, how the hell am I going to be able to trust you at all. We are not meant to be alone and I have beyond doubt overcome the fear of being alone by living in this city without my family and friends. I have been able to prosper despite living in a shelter because my environment was hostile and I could no longer trust the very person I  had loved supported to have my back.

The fact is I did not come here to live alone. I landed on my feet. That is what I do. I am a survivor. One of the perks of having ptsd is knowing how to adapt to any situation. Even ones that may appear to be detrimental to you.

I want a partner. I want to make new friends but when I see that they will talk behind others backs and show no loyalty I don’t trust them and I believe that is a logical assessment.  I do wonder, though, if I am sabotaging myself because of the ptsd.

Anger is not far behind that question because then I must use my tools I learned in therapy to get me back to a place of love. Returning to the love space will allow me to trust God and more than that to trust the God in me.

Everyday lately I am wanting to go back home to the tried and true of my family and friends in St. Louis. Trust is so very important in all our interactions with people. I am aware of the different levels of trust, but when people show you who they are…….well you already know.

I am trying very hard not to end up old and alone. Being alone though is how I feel safe, but that is sometimes when I am most vulnerable. I know I need to get out more and make friends. I tried that already. I had to stop talking to a woman because she would put other women down and basically murder other women’s character. She would talk to me disrespectfully and was critical of some of the things that make me uniquely me. I did not feel accepted for who I am. It felt like she wanted me to change so she could be around me. I did not trust her for those reasons. I could no longer take her criticism.

I have good friends and not one has told me to tone it down, so they would be comfortable around me. I admit I am not the usual woman. I don’t believe in fairy-tales. I was raised by some very strong, self-sufficient, and fiercely independent women. So, for some I may come off as harsh. I don’t sugar coat anything.

If you are not straightforward I find it hard to trust you. Being perfect is not what I expect. I just need people to keep it real.

Maybe I need to work on accepting people just the way they are, but I need people to be who they say they are. You must know yourself if want to know someone else.

Anyway, having said all of that. It is hard to trust people. I trust only God and the God in me. Right now, being alone is the safest place to be. A victim is something I refuse to ever again be.

 

Triggered, but my soul reminded me, I am Queen. “I am the soul’s poet.”

This is why I am the souls’ poet. I thought my computer was broken because I dropped it on the floor and it was giving me an error message to call Dell. I started freaking out because I was already stressing about having so much to do but still having a lot of pain. I began to cry and want to go home to St. Louis. I questioned myself about why I am here in Phoenix.
Pain is my biggest trigger. Pain leaves me feeling defeated. It makes me want to fight. That is what I am, at my core I am a fighter.
Maybe the Universe wants me to allow and surrender instead of fighting.
I have found ways to manage my pain and thought the days of tears from pain were over.  I would say however, that about 80% of my chronic pain is gone due to lifestyle changes I have made that included therapy, quitting smoking 7 years ago, losing weight, moving to a warmer climate and becoming more active.
I have been able to function without any pain medication for months but the training for my work at home job left me depleted and after going home to bury my mother in September my pain has increased.  I have been slowly getting back to myself.  Maybe I just need to be still for a while.
I am going to go see a pain specialist for the remaining pain in my neck, shoulder, upper back, my arm, hand, wrist and fingers. This doctor does not automatically write a prescription but treats the specific area first before prescribing a pill. Chronic pain wears on you like an obnoxious noise that becomes too much to bear, leaving you with a feeling of needing to escape. This feeling of needing to flee is the trigger.
Thank God for therapy and I know that “This is now and not then.” I guess I will always have to deal with triggers but now after therapy I have knowledge and I have tools to get back to feeling safe again.
 
To say I was feeling like giving up is putting it mildly, I felt devastated. I was worrying about how I was going to get my business up and running. All I think about lately is GirlGetYouSomeHelp.com. Now that I have a launch date I feel the pressure of being productive everyday.
 
I sat down and prayed, turned on the computer and it was working properly.
My soul reminded me of who I be. These words came out of me like water. I promise you that my soul wrote this to let me know just how powerful I am. I don’t have to stress or freak out because something feels a certain way. I am not my feelings. God is still in control.

Shine
I have been made in the fire,
laid out in the sun to become ashes
that fall upon my body and burn away the pain,
I know if I make through this,
after what I already made it through
a 100 facet diamond will have nothing on my glow,
my shine so bright that all night flees in the wake of me,
the powerful one able to look at the sun,
the one that gives life from the womb,
the one who holds up the moon and shoots stars around mars and can be the diamond that all diamonds aspire to be,
you cant see me because I be in your soul,
want to find me,
you want to be a kind like me,
but you will never be
because it is only your own shine
that will nurture you soul and make you whole.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

11.15.17

Healing is possible

My passion is to help women understand the different types of abuse, understand how it has affected her, and where to go to get help.
I am not a therapist but I have had a lot of therapy that has allowed me to change. I am not an expert on therapy. I just want to serve as an example that women can relate to.

I want to say, “SisStar, if I did it you can too. You can be happy on the inside all of the time. It is a downright dirty shame that we have to fix ourselves. But we can do it and your healing will change the course of your entire family for generations to come.”.

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

Begin Again, 7 Years of Blogging

The launch date for the GirlGetYouSomeHelp.com is March 23, 2018 the seven year anniversary of The Souls’ Poet.com

My mission is to lead women, particularly LGBTQ women to healing. I am the relate-able example that healing is possible.

My message is simple. Girl get you some help. I don’t say this in a judgemental tone. I say this because I love you. I see you. I know what you have been through. If I can heal so can you. I promise you it is better on the other side.

Writing has saved my life. Every therapist asked me to write.  Writing is a proven facilitator of  healing. Pouring your emotions and feelings onto the paper is one of the practical tools of therapy.

I will use journal writing, and poetry to not only help with healing but to also educate on the many forms of abuse and domestic violence specifically where it is women hurting women within the LGBT community. I want to also educate or demystify how to find a good fit when looking for a therapist. I will give tips on and how to work with your therapist, how to get what you need from therapy and when to say “I am out of here.” when the therapist is not a good fit.

It is my purpose and passion to help women heal with my whole life.

I feel it is utterly important that women heal because it is true,

the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.

 

It is worthy of repeat. 

RAW & REAL 

Therapy essentially taught me how to cope.  Because of childhood trauma and a dysfunctional environment I wasn’t taught healthy coping skills.  My therapist gave me practical things to do that were meant to develop new skills for coping.  I had to learn how to recognize habits that did not serve me well and replace them with tools that I would ultimately use for the rest of my life  Therapy was mostly about understanding self, figuring out how what happened to me affected me.  It was about unlearning, relearning and replacing unhealthy coping with healthy coping.  Awareness is just the beginning.  Practicing my new skills don’t come naturally I fall often to what is comfortable but I must say I am quick to recover.  I used to wallow in depression and self pity because I did not know any other way to be.  Thanks God for therapy.  #therapyworks

The difference is I use my tools.

Before therapy I handled stress by running and hiding from life

going under the covers not letting in any light

after therapy though, I use my tools

put on some funky music

dance until the frown is soothed

grab  a walking stick

go for a stroll and wack the shit out of uselessness

now, that I have tools to navigate through the rough terrain

a smile is not far away

now, I know I am worth the effort

I don’t need anyone to tell me that

I killed the metaphoric demons

that used to taunt me and make me believe

that these negative thoughts are real

I know better now, so I use my tools

soon all of the gloom has bloomed into gratitude

that I made it through but more than that I ain’t blue

I am bright orange and yellow

spreading happy energy to my fellow

soul seekers of light

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

7.13.17

 

 

Before and After Therapy 

Practice makes perfect is a true statement or at the very least practice makes better. Before therapy most of my thoughts were negative. I beat up on myself thinking things like “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again?”, “What is the point? I might as well just end it, nobody cares anyway. ” Then I would slide down the slippery slope of depression. I knew if I did not ask for help I would commit suicide. This always ended with a hospital stay of at least 3 days or 72 hours. The skills needed to climb out of the pits of hellish depression were not yet in my possession.

Now, though,  I have an arsenal of tools to prevent the stumble and fall. I stumble but it doesn’t mean the same. Learning and honing coping skills is the super power of therapy.  I stay elevated mentally with out any medication. Stability has been obtained due to  the hard work done for the sake of healing. I had to face the fear that I would lose my mind if I allowed the trapped emotions to rise in an effort to be released.

Not being able to bear constant pain any longer convinced me to commit to the try. Life or death urgency was the strength of this try.  My grandmother always said, “Nothing beats a failure but a try.”  Pain was the biggest motivator forcing me to address it or die.

Losing my mind was the benefit of letting go. I reprogrammed, rewired, and regenerated pathways in my brain.  The default now is happy.

After therapy and years of determination to practice what was learned in therapy, it is rare to have a negative thought about myself.  Replacing it with the truth comes easy.  Because I believe these truths:  I am amazing. I am strong. I am fearless. God is with me. No matter what happens it will be alright. Before therapy I couldn’t even trust my own mind.

After therapy I have no doubt in my ability to make sure I have what I need. God has smiled on me so many times that my faith and trust are unshakable.

Holding on to happy Is easy to do after therapy. 

I am literally loving the skin I am in. I have self-worth. There was a time in my life when I did not know what self-love felt like. After therapy I understand how to keep loving myself no matter the circumstances.   There have been  times in my life recently when I’ve been challenged to be who I say I am.

Before therapy I thought I really  trusted God,  and I did, according to my life experiences at that point in life.  I had to learn how to rely on the God in me. Because I am made in the image of God. I  have the God-given attribute to speak things into existence. God gave that attribute to all of us. I have experienced creating my desires with the words I have spoken. Before therapy I didn’t have the ability to trust anyone not even myself. I took personal what happened to me as a child.

After therapy I realize that I am able to take care of me and to protect myself. What happened in the past had nothing to do with me. I just happened to be caught in someone else’s hell or those were the circumstances my soul chose for my purpose in this lifetime.

I have been in   codependent relationships that relied on me being disabled in sort of way,  be it physical or psychological. We were both needy and dependant. It was not healthy because it enabled dysfunction.

My faith in God is strengthened after therapy.  I know God will provide me with the power to change the parts of my personality that do not serve me well. I am a work in progress and every day I am provided with opportunities to be better than the day before.  I have self-worth. I know what I bring to the table of love. My spot in the Universe is important. I have confidence in my ABILITY to manifest the vision God has given me for my life. 

After therapy I still stumble and on occasion fall down but the difference is I don’t sit in it, or feel sorry for myself. I search for the Silver Lining my grandmother Mamie J Coopwood taught me could be found inside every cloud. The lesson gleaned provides the springboard to change. She also taught me that Practice makes perfect. So I believe without a doubt that the tools I practiced in  therapy will continue to provide support out in the REAL WORLD.   I am better today than yesterday but not as good as I will be tomorrow. I am grateful for God’s Grace and Mercy. Holding on to Happy is easy to do after therapy.

Positive Funk

Positive Funk

is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song

you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this  funky place you be

but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up

you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share  it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you

it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the  negative emotions

but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose

positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways

positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley

this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you

you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”