Spoils of mental illness

As I sit here looking at pictures of my family. I have an absolutely beautiful family. I am not complaining about anything just writing so this feeling will pass. That is what feelings do, they leave eventually. In therapy I learned to not ignore my feelings they are giving me a message or an opportunity to  shed another layer for healing. Everyday evolution is a fact to life.
Let me stay on topic. I was missing my family so much. God has miraculously given me six healthy babies. Six. But it gets even better, I had twins and triplets. I prayed as a little girl for a new family because the one I was experiencing was filled with hostility. There were no safe places. My soul hungered for the love I knew as a child would fix everything if only they would let it.

I remember the day exactly that I asked for another family. We were at some family gathering and my mother, my 2 aunts and my grandmother were  setting up the tables to play spades. But they were arguing about something and my aunt Essie was the target of their viscous venomous words. She was crying. She was my favorite aunt and they were making her feel bad about her weight. My aunt died to trying to be skinny.
This type of destructive energy existed at every family gathering until as an adult and after much therapy, I decided to no longer participate.

The point of this post is to say that what happened to me as a child caused my mental illness.  Depression was actually inevitable in that environment after being neglected and raped. PTSD could not be avoided. Some of us don’t have ptsd as a result of a trauma, but there are those like me that have had so many traumas that we kept recreating traumatic situations in an effort to heal. Or, that is what is familiar to us however uncomfortable.

My sacrifices are many when it comes to my healing. My family being the biggest sacrifice. I am grateful for the answered prayer for another family. Six healthy children, 14 healthy grandchildren within my 56 years. God willing there will eventually be many more souls that are a direct result of my prayer. These souls have chosen to come through my womb and be the start of the legacy of love I am deliberately creating.
I am grateful. I just miss my family and I was in my feelings and needed to write it out. I know I will be able to enjoy and influence my grandchildren face to face again. This move to Phoenix is what is supposed to happen and they will be here when it is time. I have no doubt this is where I am supposed to be. Once the healing came I could no longer stay in St. Louis.
Honestly sometimes I get in my feelings and feel sad and even angry that what happened to me cost me so much. But after writing through my feelings I am able to count my blessings.

I realize that God has given me exceedingly and abundantly above what I asked for, another family. A healthy family. A happy prosperous family. We love each other and when we all get together it is ALL LOVE. I love how my children work through their conflicts and disagreements. No matter what, they find love and let go of any animosity. I taught them that.  I showed them to the best of my ability what unconditional love is.

I have had an interesting life. It has been good. I look forward to enjoying life for a long time to come. I am working to leave a legacy of love in the universe. God has used me to bring forth a lot of love. I am grateful.
So at the end of the day. My soul chose these circumstances. This is the way it is supposed to be. I am who am because of EVERY experience I have had.

I am mozayik “the souls’ poet”

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True story told in poetry. I am a Real and Raw Poet and Author of ”The Souls’ Poetry” my soul's true story of its’ journey to healing from the pain of childhood sexual trauma. I blog about my three year commitment to therapy and what life is like before and after healing. Decreasing the stigma of mental illness, inspiring women to tell their stories, and leading women To and Through Therapy is my mission.

2 thoughts on “Spoils of mental illness

  1. Awesome! Do u think it’s possible for a child to suffer from PTSD, by being alone slot, due to their circumstances. ie: parents couldn’t afford a babysitter, so the child had to be a latchkey kid til their parents came home. Parents went to parties , but left their child in partyguvees bedrooms or in the car? More solace

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think that maybe they have ptsd because of what might have happened to them while being left alone with people or environments that were not safe. PTSD comes after experiencing a traumatic event that makes you feel like you might die. So I suppose that if the fear of being alone made them constantly feel like they are not safe or could somehow die, it could cause ptsd.
    Neglect and abandonment will definitely cause mental health issues. I would suggest talking to the person to see how they feel they have been affected by these situations. Gently providing suggestions and information on resources would certainly go a long way in supporting anyone they you feel needs to look at some behaviors that might not be serving them well.
    There is a wealth of information out there about PTSD and other mental illnesses.
    https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/family/ptsd-children-adolescents.asp

    Liked by 1 person

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