As I sit here looking at pictures of my family. I have an absolutely beautiful family. I am not complaining about anything just writing so this feeling will pass. That is what feelings do, they leave eventually. In therapy I learned to not ignore my feelings they are giving me a message or an opportunity to shed another layer for healing. Everyday evolution is a fact to life.
Let me stay on topic. I was missing my family so much. God has miraculously given me six healthy babies. Six. But it gets even better, I had twins and triplets. I prayed as a little girl for a new family because the one I was experiencing was filled with hostility. There were no safe places. My soul hungered for the love I knew as a child would fix everything if only they would let it.
I remember the day exactly that I asked for another family. We were at some family gathering and my mother, my 2 aunts and my grandmother were setting up the tables to play spades. But they were arguing about something and my aunt Essie was the target of their viscous venomous words. She was crying. She was my favorite aunt and they were making her feel bad about her weight. My aunt died to trying to be skinny.
This type of destructive energy existed at every family gathering until as an adult and after much therapy, I decided to no longer participate.
The point of this post is to say that what happened to me as a child caused my mental illness. Depression was actually inevitable in that environment after being neglected and raped. PTSD could not be avoided. Some of us don’t have ptsd as a result of a trauma, but there are those like me that have had so many traumas that we kept recreating traumatic situations in an effort to heal. Or, that is what is familiar to us however uncomfortable.
My sacrifices are many when it comes to my healing. My family being the biggest sacrifice. I am grateful for the answered prayer for another family. Six healthy children, 14 healthy grandchildren within my 56 years. God willing there will eventually be many more souls that are a direct result of my prayer. These souls have chosen to come through my womb and be the start of the legacy of love I am deliberately creating.
I am grateful. I just miss my family and I was in my feelings and needed to write it out. I know I will be able to enjoy and influence my grandchildren face to face again. This move to Phoenix is what is supposed to happen and they will be here when it is time. I have no doubt this is where I am supposed to be. Once the healing came I could no longer stay in St. Louis.
Honestly sometimes I get in my feelings and feel sad and even angry that what happened to me cost me so much. But after writing through my feelings I am able to count my blessings.
I realize that God has given me exceedingly and abundantly above what I asked for, another family. A healthy family. A happy prosperous family. We love each other and when we all get together it is ALL LOVE. I love how my children work through their conflicts and disagreements. No matter what, they find love and let go of any animosity. I taught them that. I showed them to the best of my ability what unconditional love is.
I have had an interesting life. It has been good. I look forward to enjoying life for a long time to come. I am working to leave a legacy of love in the universe. God has used me to bring forth a lot of love. I am grateful.
So at the end of the day. My soul chose these circumstances. This is the way it is supposed to be. I am who am because of EVERY experience I have had.
I am mozayik “the souls’ poet”
I thought I had finished my book in 2008. I know, 10 years, right? The first title was “My Healing Journey”. I titled it this because the poems told a story of my healing chronologically. The chapters and themes are the same today in the The Souls’ Poetry.
The early poems spoke in the voice of the victim and then progressed through the many layers of healing. Light, Darkest before Dawn, Anger, Bitterness etc……with Self Love being the super power needed to stay committed to healing. I made huge sacrifices for my healing. At one point I was estranged from my entire family. Healing can be messy and it will uproot anything that is resistant to change.
I believe once a woman has healed she can support other women in their healing. Often times as was in my case, that woman is the only one in her entire family courageous enough to say “Oh No, not on my watch will this pathology continue in my family.” A lot give up because no one around them really understand what she is going through.
It was apparent to me that my soul was speaking through my poetry. I promise you that I don’t know where the name “the souls’ poet” originated. I know exactly how my pen name “moayik” was created. But exactly when I started calling myself “the souls’ poet”. I spell souls’ with an apostrophe s because I am a poet to all souls’. I belong to God and Universe. My soul’s mission is to inspired other soul’s to speak.
Mozayik suited me perfectly. I had started to see my value. I was getting a glimpse of the beauty of healing on my broken soul. I became aware of my soul’s mission and agreement in this lifetime.
My trademark “mozayik” butterfly speaks to the transformation of my soul. All the broken pieces of my soul had beautiful purpose. Each mosaic is unique and has its own story to tell. The pieces are made beautiful and whole again resulting in a masterpiece.
On my journey to healing and wholeness I have written poetry. My soul’s expression is poetry. All of us have our own way of giving voice to our soul. We call it Art. We are called artists. Our artistry is our soul’s expression.
Most of my poetry was penned while tears rolled into puddles formed in the creases in my neck, soaking the pages while the letting of the words took place. I could not stop and wipe my tears. My hand would just write and I really had no idea what I was writing or if any of it made sense because the words manifested release and when the energy to write dissipated so did the energy of the emotion that had lead to the tears.
A weight lifted, I remembered to breath, Enough pain came out to allow me to go on with life. It has been said that pain is fear leaving your body. I am a witness this is a truth.
After some time I would look in my journal at what I had written and see a rhythm and rhyme to the words. The caddance was poetic. Sometimes my mouth would drop open because I could not believe that I had written something so profound. I have written all of my life and have probably read at the very least a thousand books in my lifetime but did not recognize my gift as a writer until my soul started to speak through my poetry in the early 90’s.
It is a long story but the point is, this is my calling. I was born a poet. My poetry is my gift to help facilitate other women’s healing.
Anyway, getting back to the book. I knew it had to be edited before publishing, but everytime I would try to edit it depression would set in and I would head back to therapy. At first I did not see the pattern. It took being diagnosed with PTSD and years of therapy to understand my triggers. Learning how to manage triggers takes practice but it can be done with the tools that work for the individual.
After a lifetime of literally running for my life over and over again I decided something had to change. I have moved 40 times in my lifetime. (book coming) Mostly after being triggered and feeling like I was no longer safe. It was just a feeling. I learned in therapy that I am not my feelings. That was then, this is now.
Therapy was hard and brutal but the self love, contentment and peace gained from doing the work is worth it. I’m happy and that is something I never thought was possible. I am not a therapist but I have done my work in therapy for years. I have had some phenomenal therapists and I have have some not so good. I can offer an example women can relate to, serving as someone that understands what it takes to actually do the work.
My healing became a life or death situation after being involved with abusive partners over and over, that were violent in one way or another. A few times I did even know it was abuse. Just because someone is not hitting you does not mean they are not violent.
I woke up and saw that I was the common denominator. I accepted that people will be who they are and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to change. I am still on the journey to change. Being better than I was yesterday is my ultimate goal.
Everytime I could not get it together I asked God, “What is wrong with me?” There was never anything wrong with me. But it was always about what had happened to me. I was raped at five and the trauma continued my entire life until I decided I could no longer deal with the pain and decided to commit to therapy.
I had to see what the end was going to be. I believe that my healing is a lifelong journey but I wanted to at least get to a place where I could finish my book.
I knew that book was the gift I had to give away. Blogging about therapy and the poems in the book as they related to my therapy allowed me to heal while hopefully being an example that therapy will work if you give it a chance.
Writing has always been my saving grace. Using what I have learned from my experience with therapy and writing is my purpose. This is what I was born to do.
I believe I can assist women with giving voice to their pain. I know I can inspire women to seek therapy. I know I can tell my stories about my experience that will encourage women to hang in there and come through on the other side of darkness. There really is a light in our souls. We all have purpose and this is mine.
The blogging is the book. I see that now. It is all so very clear.
Of course there is still so much of my story to tell. My daughter has been encouraging me to write my memoirs. I will.
The Souls’ Poetry is my true story in poetry. I could elaborate more on the poems and posts, but this is the start. This is what my soul has to say. My pain has been given a voice and that brought healing.
It was a long, tedious and tumultuous journey. I did not give up and I want to support and encourage women to commit to healing. I have found some creative ways to make that happen.
My next post will talk about how the blog became the business.
The book “The Souls’ Poetry” has been the impetus.
I seek the golden noise of silence
and crave the heart thumping beat of the drum
I am alone a lot but not lonely
I can love and let go
I tend to see the good in everything
poverty has been my state
and abundance is my fate
I love men but I desire women
I’m your mama, sister and friend
I give my love so I can receive love
the silver lining of every cloud is mine
I’m growing while standing still
and move at my own will
I’m spiritual not religious
my hair is sometimes short
and sometimes long
some day’s I don’t use a comb
I like my coffee like I like my lovers
strong, black and sweet
I feel the flow of the universe
and God lives inside of me
the day I was born
I was given everything I would need
my soul is orange
my heart is red
and my mind is yellow
music is my lover
I said, music is my lover
words are my closest friends
the beauty I see in this would will never end
I like a baby’s breath and a cats meow
don’t care too much for the bow wows
What am I you say?
I’m an artist
because I am an artist
I am most times misunderstood
because I don’t think or act
the way people think I should
but staying true to myself is a gift of self love
I like Beethoven, rap, jazz, reggae and blues
can’t do rock, it lacks the ability to sooth
I’m a free spirit in control
I possess my soul
I’m happy with me,
if you’re not
maybe in my world
you don’t need to be
I can’t be bought
handle me carefully
I’m a precious jewel
my tongue and pen are my tools
both have power to create beauty and commit murder
I’m trying not to live in the past
to prove I’ve learned my lessons well
so on this earth I won’t dwell, in hell
What am I you say?
I am a writer and poet
by Mozayik “the souls poet”
I have learned to trust myself. This is huge for someone that has experienced trauma especially as a child under the age of six. These children have been programed to believe that not one person cares enough to protect or save them. It takes a lot of therapy and rewiring the brain to have happy positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you be the default.
It did get worse before it got better. But the other side of the middle passage of pain is beautiful.
I listened to Brene Brown’s “The Anatomy of Trust” and it confirmed for me that I am healed enough to be true to my intuition, gut feeling or voice of God. Whatever you call knowing what is right for you, I trust that more than I trust people. As long as I stay in the will of God I trust everything will be alright.
I am grateful that I can control me. If we master ourselves anything else is a cake walk. There was a time when I was so fragile psychologically that my family would withhold information from me in fear of how any bad news would affect me.
This year I am sitting in the home I have created for myself. I am happy, safe and more importantly, I am a prayer warrior not a chronic worrier. I can take the bad news. I don’t take most things personally.
I have recovered from the fragile state of depression and anxiety. I still struggle from time to time but a stumble is better than the drastic falls I had before therapy. I sacrificed a lot for my healing. I wish I had committed to healing sooner.
The root of bitterness has been destroyed. I am the master of my soul.
So, I sit, and I write
There are days when the words are the only thing I can trust. The words allow me to control the amount of trust given. When you have ptsd there are days when there is not one person that you can trust. They could be the most trust worthy person and deserving of your faith in their ability not to intentionally hurt you.
Because of all the many times people have deliberately plotted to take advantage of you it is with earnest effort that a person with ptsd extends any amount of trust to you.
I am intelligent enough to know that nobody is perfect. Being glaringly aware of my own frailties, makes me also aware of the reasons why people do what they do. I live between the logical knowledge of realistically knowing that people just need to be accepted for who they are and the fact that people committed horrendous acts against me when I was at my weakest and most vulnerable.
Craving physical touch but if I can’t trust you when I need compassion the most, how the hell am I going to be able to trust you at all. We are not meant to be alone and I have beyond doubt overcome the fear of being alone by living in this city without my family and friends. I have been able to prosper despite living in a shelter because my environment was hostile and I could no longer trust the very person I had loved supported to have my back.
The fact is I did not come here to live alone. I landed on my feet. That is what I do. I am a survivor. One of the perks of having ptsd is knowing how to adapt to any situation. Even ones that may appear to be detrimental to you.
I want a partner. I want to make new friends but when I see that they will talk behind others backs and show no loyalty I don’t trust them and I believe that is a logical assessment. I do wonder, though, if I am sabotaging myself because of the ptsd.
Anger is not far behind that question because then I must use my tools I learned in therapy to get me back to a place of love. Returning to the love space will allow me to trust God and more than that to trust the God in me.
Everyday lately I am wanting to go back home to the tried and true of my family and friends in St. Louis. Trust is so very important in all our interactions with people. I am aware of the different levels of trust, but when people show you who they are…….well you already know.
I am trying very hard not to end up old and alone. Being alone though is how I feel safe, but that is sometimes when I am most vulnerable. I know I need to get out more and make friends. I tried that already. I had to stop talking to a woman because she would put other women down and basically murder other women’s character. She would talk to me disrespectfully and was critical of some of the things that make me uniquely me. I did not feel accepted for who I am. It felt like she wanted me to change so she could be around me. I did not trust her for those reasons. I could no longer take her criticism.
I have good friends and not one has told me to tone it down, so they would be comfortable around me. I admit I am not the usual woman. I don’t believe in fairy-tales. I was raised by some very strong, self-sufficient, and fiercely independent women. So, for some I may come off as harsh. I don’t sugar coat anything.
If you are not straightforward I find it hard to trust you. Being perfect is not what I expect. I just need people to keep it real.
Maybe I need to work on accepting people just the way they are, but I need people to be who they say they are. You must know yourself if want to know someone else.
Anyway, having said all of that. It is hard to trust people. I trust only God and the God in me. Right now, being alone is the safest place to be. A victim is something I refuse to ever again be.
I have been made in the fire,
laid out in the sun to become ashes
that fall upon my body and burn away the pain,
I know if I make through this,
after what I already made it through
a 100 facet diamond will have nothing on my glow,
my shine so bright that all night flees in the wake of me,
the powerful one able to look at the sun,
the one that gives life from the womb,
the one who holds up the moon and shoots stars around mars and can be the diamond that all diamonds aspire to be,
you cant see me because I be in your soul,
want to find me,
you want to be a kind like me,
but you will never be
because it is only your own shine
that will nurture you soul and make you whole.
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
A blog about the hard work of writing
My World, My Life, My Rules
Poet, Authorpreneur, Songwriter, Spoken Word Activist
The Souls' Poet
I am on a journey; a journey to heal through my voice - surving life after sexual abuse