Letting It Out (more room out than in)

Whew! today has been loooong. I feel like I need to shake it off, shake off all the energy that is not mine. So much has happened today. So much has changed I have been in deep thought about a lot of things. I have questioned my own motives for doing a thing. I know that great struggle will produce enormous growth. So I count it all Joy.

My therapist is leaving the YWCA. I am happy for her. I am happy that she is doing what will serve her highest good. I trust her. She has supported me through some pretty rough terrain since I moved back to St. Louis. One of the main reasons I moved back home was because I could not, no matter what I did, get any kind of therapy at all.

They said my income was too high. Really, umph, anyway, I went all that time without any therapy. Yeah, I was fine for the most part, but I had some struggles with anxiety. I was not depressed because I had a strong relationship with God. I had sunshine and the tools I learned in therapy. I had processed all of the trauma that was causing the depression. I know how to keep my joy.

Please let me say that I don’t regret anything. I needed what Phoenix taught but I knew it was time to come home. Even if no one else understood. There were many reasons that God led me back to St Louis. Me and God we good like that, I know and trust God to lead me. Wherever I am God is.

I learned so much from the therapy I had already had, but there were some missing pieces. Healing is a process. Like going to school, you graduate to different levels based on your understanding of the Curriculum.

Coming home and working with her has taken my understanding to the next level. I needed to understand why I have continued to have certain challenges.

She said I get it. I tackle a problem head-on. I don’t live in denial but choose to make the changes necessary to be at peace. I am not a whiner and if I complain about something, I am willing to be the change. After a few therapists, I realized what worked for me. Talking is good for some but in addition to that, I need something practical to do. I tell therapists that when I first meet them now.

I am rambling, I know, but I am a writer that spills her thoughts and feelings onto the page where it can make sense. I have learned the hard way that there is more room out than in. That was one of my grandmothers’ favorite sayings, “There is more room out than in.” but she was talking about farting. But it applies to our emotions as well. Holding things in will literally kill you.

So, thanks for listening y’all

I am breathing better now.

If none of this makes sense, please chalk it up to venting. Thanks for letting me be myself again.

mozayik

 

Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

**STL HOMESICK**

I want to go home
homesick for my people in St Louis
I miss being around those that know me
the shock of culture in Phoenix is stark
I miss those that hold my heart
never thought I would miss St Louis
not missing the mold and high humidity
but I do miss the familiarity of my city
a walk in Creve Coeur park stimulated creativity
strolling through the Delmar loop
or traveling down Euclid looking for parking
just to get some Chinese food
is what I want to do.
just woke up this morning missing St Louis
yearning to swing down to the mangrove
by way of forest park
after viewing a movie premiere
sitting comfy in the art museum
twilight Tuesday celebrated
the music that flowed through our city
I have to admit it, St Louis is in my blood and I don’t regret it

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

4.30.17 1:55 PM

When Love is the Intention…..

Today at 3pm CST I will be interviewed by Marci Baptiste about being a Co-Author sharing my story of wisdom gleaned from living over 57 years ,in her Book ‘The Power of 50.

A lot has happened this year that was on my Vision Board for 2018. Being a published Author will give me more opportunities to not only produce interest in my Book ‘The Souls’ Poetry’, but also allows me to share an experience from my life as an 18 year old mother of three children. I share so that other young women will know they are not alone in their struggles and they can persevere in therapy. I want to show them that it is possible to recover.

I have tried performing, reciting my poetry and even sold t-shirts but my true calling is writing.  I will always encourage women to heal. Therapy and God have been the ingredients needed to destroy patterns of abuse in my family.

 

Do you know your God’s Voice?

It is imperative that we know the voice of God for ourselves. We can not allow another human being to tell us who God is to us. I am not a young woman anymore and I have healed and grown enough to know that whatever I do will affect not only me but my entire family, my friends, my community and the universe that is me. I must consult God when making decisions.
There was a time when I needed the approval of others.
I have been through a lot in my life and because God has always protected and provided for me even when I did not acknowledge God.
I bumped my head a lot and took myself through some unnecessary drama.
But GOD, was patient with me as I learned how to be the woman I am born to be.
My journey is unique and my path is specifically for me and me alone.
Now my prayer is “Let the Will of God be done. No matter the situation, that prayer is the one to pray. For me it is Fail Proof. I only want what God wants me to have.
I know when God is speaking to me. I know the leading of my soul, my intuition, my gut feeling, the holy spirit or whatever you wish to call that knowing.
Do you trust God’s leading beyond the shadow of doubt even when the entire world is saying don’t do it.
I know that the decision to return to St Louis is God’s will for my life. God has given me a partner that I can grow with spiritually.
God has shown us that WE ARE IN GOD’S WILL.
I am Happy, We are happy and it is both of our desire to serve and sow good seed into good ground so that our harvest is good enough to share.

Worthy Reflection (I’m priceless)

As I think back over my life in this reflective vibe I have been in lately, I see all the places in my life where I discounted my value. It saddens me to know that I did not see how immensely valuable my presence was in my family’s life.

Coming to Phoenix is exactly what I needed to realize my worth. To understand my influence and my purpose. Even when I was a very young woman considering placing my children for adoption, it was because I thought I could not be a good mother.

I now know that with this big ole heart that God gave me nothing could be further from the truth.
Now that I know what I bring to the table of life I see where my presence can make a difference in this world.
What I have to give my family, friends, community and partner is extremely valuable. Now that I know how to give from my overflow I am ready to continue this journey of healing. The next step is to continue to encourage women to heal with #GirlGetYouSomeHelp brand. I am not thru.
The next level is going to be Fantastic. I already have a vision but more than that I have a plan. Still basically the same mission but the HOW is clear. I am excited to see what the rest of this year will bring.
I started out with investing in myself and my business. I have grown greatly as a woman and as a business woman. My confidence is huge because I have built a support system of like minded business women that I follow.
I know more about me, so I can pace myself in all areas of my life. I know how to set boundaries now. I am not ruled by my emotions. Finding peace, contentment or happiness is a breath away now.
When I remember to breath and acknowledge gratefully where that breath comes from, all is well in my soul in the moment. Is not the moment all we have?

pray don’t worry “compartmentalize”

I pray so I don’t have to worry.

At 50 years old I learned in therapy  the tools needed to cope. I essentially grew up. My family of origin was dysfunctional, so I was not aware of the pathology in my thinking that showed up in my behavior.

Therapy for me was  examining behaviors that don’t serve me well, like catastrophizing. The understanding of why I do something helped me love myself unconditionally. I then had the confidence that I could  reprogram and resetting my default to healthy thinking which fueled the change in how I respond to life’s challenges.
We say knowledge is power but it can only be powerful when we use what we have learned to change.
I had been known to freak out. To not be able to handle stress was my legacy. My family would deliberately keep things from me. They felt they had to protect me or I would collapse under the pressure.
After therapy I use the tool my therapist and I  practiced, “compartmentalizing”.
It is inline with my now favorite motto or chant.

If you are going to pray, don’t worry and if you are going to worry don’t pray.

I had a situation come up yesterday that in the past would have sent me reeling straight into anger and then depression and the cycle would start. Depression, pain, and anger from feeling out control.

That is FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

The truth is we have a choice to make moment to moment. We cant be happy and sad at the same exact moment. The brain does not work that way. And thank God because we would loose our choice or ability to be the miraculous human beings we are.

Our mindset is a choice. Our power lies in the fact we can create. We can think a thing, speak the thing and manifest a thing. It really is that simple.
I have changed. When things crop up and I don’t have the resources to solve the problem I am okay with allowing God to lead me to the solution.

Yesterday, I prayed and enjoyed the rest of my evening because there was nothing I could do about it at the time.  I have learned to be present in the moment by compartmentalizing. I slept well last night.  When I  rose I went about  my usual morning rituals. When I sat down and I allowed myself to think about it again, the problem was not as bad as I had initially thought.

No matter what I know I can trust God so I pray.  Praying is giving it to God. But I don’t take it back by worrying about it. Breathing a sigh of relief, and smiling from the reassurance that it will all work out because I am in Gods will. Being happy moment to moment is the choice I make . Being present and Being grateful are the main keys to my happiness.

I am happy because I am grateful.

Catastrophizing

How to compartmentalize.

Just Love somebody damn it!!!  Love or Fear which will you choose?

My love is an inexhaustible stream

given at birth for me to give away

the only power i have

the only thing i could ever control

is my choice to love

i don’t have to chase it

or look for it

i am it

so i decide to love

right now

this second

giving you my love makes my love overflow

when i give it to you god gives me more

the only reason to be alive is to love

any other reason and you have chosen an unnecessary chore

excerpt from “the souls’ poetry” by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  pg 67

Fear robs us of so much. Today I have talked about love, thought a lot about love and read a lot about people wanting but fearing love.  It seems we all want love but we are afraid to love anyone cause we don’t want to hurt.

Yet people like me get criticized for just wanting to experience love in all its facets.  I am love so why wouldn’t I want to give this love away?   All we have really, to give, is love.  You can judge me and call me kooky.  But while you living in fear I am living in love.
I may get “hurt” 25 more times before I die but at least I lived and loved.  I may have 6 more relationships that fail (I hope not, that is why I am doing my work in therapy) but at least I have created some great memories and loved some wonderful people.

I don’t regret any love I have given and I will love the next lover  with as much fervency as the last.
This love is mine to give and it is inexhaustible.  At the end of my life you can say “She loved”

Just Love somebody damn it!!!  Love or Fear which will you choose?

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

#loveisallthatmatters

 

You can do it too.

I am officially a Walker. I am walking between 25 and 35 miles per week. After working with my Business Coach Marci Batiste I realized that I had no choice but to slow down the pace and make my health a priority. I am feeling better and bouncing back from flare ups much quicker. None of the changes made to improve my physical health would have been possible if it were not for the commitment I made to do the hard work of healing.
More than one therapist has told me that I am the exception. Most people in therapy don’t change because they are not willing to work.
I don’t believe I am that special. It comes down to your mindset. If you are determined to heal like I was, I PROMISE YOU that God, your Angels and the entire universe will rise up and support you.
I am not telling you what I read. I am telling you what I know from experience. Your will to heal puts everything in motion. If you take two steps God will support you to continue to take steps.
My mission is to inspire you to get some therapy. If I don’t do anything else in life I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God has used me to lead women to healing.
If I did it you can too.

Want Change? Change your mind.

I have been battling with changing two core beliefs this year. Therapy has helped me to examine my own behavior, think about where the root is and destroy it by changing the way I think.
One core belief was, {everybody was going to leave me). I expected it. So whenever I had feelings of being abandoned my brain could not tell that I was just having thoughts or remembering experiences.
Even though it was not really happening my brain told my body it was happening. I say this was a core belief because now that I have identified it, it no longer is a belief. It is a fear – (false evidence appearing real) to be dealt with accordingly.
Because of the knowledge I have gained in therapy about how I respond to triggers, I am able to identify and replace negative thoughts that once supported my core belief that everybody was going to leave.
I am sure I have sabotaged relationships in fear of the abandonment. It was kind of like I was protecting myself for what was to come.
Another core belief that I have had to acknowledge is I believed that people were out to get me. I have learned to trust the God in me. Moving slower will allows the process to happen. Now I understand and appreciate the value of waiting for direction.
While waiting, for the emotion to dissipate, I ask myself “What is the evidence of …..?”
Once the emotion is gone. I detach, pray and wait on God to give me the best solution. Sometimes nothing needs to be done. Other times I am led to a person, place or thing that holds THE ANSWER.But ALWAYS I get the LESSON. I am able to evolve to a new level.
There is no evidence that supports that belief that people always leave me and there is no evidence that people are out to get me.
I had some damage to my car and I assumed that it had been vandalized, but waiting allowed me to see that I was the one that had damaged my car. Once my mind was cleared of all those untrue thoughts I remembered exactly when and how it happened.
Three weeks is how long I waited for these profound epiphany’s. Being able to accomplish my goals is a direct result of working on my thinking which helps me to change my behavior. After doing the work in therapy the real Work begins. It does get better though, At first I hated examining everything I thought or did, but over time and with practice my snap back time (knowing that that was then and this is now)has decreased tremendously.
In full expectation I am looking forward to the day when I have successfully rewired my brain to not allow anything from my past to affect my now. Practice really does make perfect. It has already become second nature to identify and let go of the emotions of a trigger ASAP. I have truly been able to “Let Go, and Let God”
If you are going to worry, don’t pray, if you are going to pray, don’t worry.

mozayik “the souls’ poet”