As I sit here looking at pictures of my family. I have an absolutely beautiful family. I am not complaining about anything just writing so this feeling will pass. That is what feelings do, they leave eventually. In therapy I learned to not ignore my feelings they are giving me a message or an opportunity to shed another layer for healing. Everyday evolution is a fact to life.
Let me stay on topic. I was missing my family so much. God has miraculously given me six healthy babies. Six. But it gets even better, I had twins and triplets. I prayed as a little girl for a new family because the one I was experiencing was filled with hostility. There were no safe places. My soul hungered for the love I knew as a child would fix everything if only they would let it.
I remember the day exactly that I asked for another family. We were at some family gathering and my mother, my 2 aunts and my grandmother were setting up the tables to play spades. But they were arguing about something and my aunt Essie was the target of their viscous venomous words. She was crying. She was my favorite aunt and they were making her feel bad about her weight. My aunt died to trying to be skinny.
This type of destructive energy existed at every family gathering until as an adult and after much therapy, I decided to no longer participate.
The point of this post is to say that what happened to me as a child caused my mental illness. Depression was actually inevitable in that environment after being neglected and raped. PTSD could not be avoided. Some of us don’t have ptsd as a result of a trauma, but there are those like me that have had so many traumas that we kept recreating traumatic situations in an effort to heal. Or, that is what is familiar to us however uncomfortable.
My sacrifices are many when it comes to my healing. My family being the biggest sacrifice. I am grateful for the answered prayer for another family. Six healthy children, 14 healthy grandchildren within my 56 years. God willing there will eventually be many more souls that are a direct result of my prayer. These souls have chosen to come through my womb and be the start of the legacy of love I am deliberately creating.
I am grateful. I just miss my family and I was in my feelings and needed to write it out. I know I will be able to enjoy and influence my grandchildren face to face again. This move to Phoenix is what is supposed to happen and they will be here when it is time. I have no doubt this is where I am supposed to be. Once the healing came I could no longer stay in St. Louis.
Honestly sometimes I get in my feelings and feel sad and even angry that what happened to me cost me so much. But after writing through my feelings I am able to count my blessings.
I realize that God has given me exceedingly and abundantly above what I asked for, another family. A healthy family. A happy prosperous family. We love each other and when we all get together it is ALL LOVE. I love how my children work through their conflicts and disagreements. No matter what, they find love and let go of any animosity. I taught them that. I showed them to the best of my ability what unconditional love is.
I have had an interesting life. It has been good. I look forward to enjoying life for a long time to come. I am working to leave a legacy of love in the universe. God has used me to bring forth a lot of love. I am grateful.
So at the end of the day. My soul chose these circumstances. This is the way it is supposed to be. I am who am because of EVERY experience I have had.
I am mozayik “the souls’ poet”
I thought I had finished my book in 2008. I know, 10 years, right? The first title was “My Healing Journey”. I titled it this because the poems told a story of my healing chronologically. The chapters and themes are the same today in the The Souls’ Poetry.
The early poems spoke in the voice of the victim and then progressed through the many layers of healing. Light, Darkest before Dawn, Anger, Bitterness etc……with Self Love being the super power needed to stay committed to healing. I made huge sacrifices for my healing. At one point I was estranged from my entire family. Healing can be messy and it will uproot anything that is resistant to change.
I believe once a woman has healed she can support other women in their healing. Often times as was in my case, that woman is the only one in her entire family courageous enough to say “Oh No, not on my watch will this pathology continue in my family.” A lot give up because no one around them really understand what she is going through.
It was apparent to me that my soul was speaking through my poetry. I promise you that I don’t know where the name “the souls’ poet” originated. I know exactly how my pen name “moayik” was created. But exactly when I started calling myself “the souls’ poet”. I spell souls’ with an apostrophe s because I am a poet to all souls’. I belong to God and Universe. My soul’s mission is to inspired other soul’s to speak.
Mozayik suited me perfectly. I had started to see my value. I was getting a glimpse of the beauty of healing on my broken soul. I became aware of my soul’s mission and agreement in this lifetime.
My trademark “mozayik” butterfly speaks to the transformation of my soul. All the broken pieces of my soul had beautiful purpose. Each mosaic is unique and has its own story to tell. The pieces are made beautiful and whole again resulting in a masterpiece.
On my journey to healing and wholeness I have written poetry. My soul’s expression is poetry. All of us have our own way of giving voice to our soul. We call it Art. We are called artists. Our artistry is our soul’s expression.
Most of my poetry was penned while tears rolled into puddles formed in the creases in my neck, soaking the pages while the letting of the words took place. I could not stop and wipe my tears. My hand would just write and I really had no idea what I was writing or if any of it made sense because the words manifested release and when the energy to write dissipated so did the energy of the emotion that had lead to the tears.
A weight lifted, I remembered to breath, Enough pain came out to allow me to go on with life. It has been said that pain is fear leaving your body. I am a witness this is a truth.
After some time I would look in my journal at what I had written and see a rhythm and rhyme to the words. The caddance was poetic. Sometimes my mouth would drop open because I could not believe that I had written something so profound. I have written all of my life and have probably read at the very least a thousand books in my lifetime but did not recognize my gift as a writer until my soul started to speak through my poetry in the early 90’s.
It is a long story but the point is, this is my calling. I was born a poet. My poetry is my gift to help facilitate other women’s healing.
Anyway, getting back to the book. I knew it had to be edited before publishing, but everytime I would try to edit it depression would set in and I would head back to therapy. At first I did not see the pattern. It took being diagnosed with PTSD and years of therapy to understand my triggers. Learning how to manage triggers takes practice but it can be done with the tools that work for the individual.
After a lifetime of literally running for my life over and over again I decided something had to change. I have moved 40 times in my lifetime. (book coming) Mostly after being triggered and feeling like I was no longer safe. It was just a feeling. I learned in therapy that I am not my feelings. That was then, this is now.
Therapy was hard and brutal but the self love, contentment and peace gained from doing the work is worth it. I’m happy and that is something I never thought was possible. I am not a therapist but I have done my work in therapy for years. I have had some phenomenal therapists and I have have some not so good. I can offer an example women can relate to, serving as someone that understands what it takes to actually do the work.
My healing became a life or death situation after being involved with abusive partners over and over, that were violent in one way or another. A few times I did even know it was abuse. Just because someone is not hitting you does not mean they are not violent.
I woke up and saw that I was the common denominator. I accepted that people will be who they are and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to change. I am still on the journey to change. Being better than I was yesterday is my ultimate goal.
Everytime I could not get it together I asked God, “What is wrong with me?” There was never anything wrong with me. But it was always about what had happened to me. I was raped at five and the trauma continued my entire life until I decided I could no longer deal with the pain and decided to commit to therapy.
I had to see what the end was going to be. I believe that my healing is a lifelong journey but I wanted to at least get to a place where I could finish my book.
I knew that book was the gift I had to give away. Blogging about therapy and the poems in the book as they related to my therapy allowed me to heal while hopefully being an example that therapy will work if you give it a chance.
Writing has always been my saving grace. Using what I have learned from my experience with therapy and writing is my purpose. This is what I was born to do.
I believe I can assist women with giving voice to their pain. I know I can inspire women to seek therapy. I know I can tell my stories about my experience that will encourage women to hang in there and come through on the other side of darkness. There really is a light in our souls. We all have purpose and this is mine.
The blogging is the book. I see that now. It is all so very clear.
Of course there is still so much of my story to tell. My daughter has been encouraging me to write my memoirs. I will.
The Souls’ Poetry is my true story in poetry. I could elaborate more on the poems and posts, but this is the start. This is what my soul has to say. My pain has been given a voice and that brought healing.
It was a long, tedious and tumultuous journey. I did not give up and I want to support and encourage women to commit to healing. I have found some creative ways to make that happen.
My next post will talk about how the blog became the business.
The book “The Souls’ Poetry” has been the impetus.
I have been made in the fire,
laid out in the sun to become ashes
that fall upon my body and burn away the pain,
I know if I make through this,
after what I already made it through
a 100 facet diamond will have nothing on my glow,
my shine so bright that all night flees in the wake of me,
the powerful one able to look at the sun,
the one that gives life from the womb,
the one who holds up the moon and shoots stars around mars and can be the diamond that all diamonds aspire to be,
you cant see me because I be in your soul,
want to find me,
you want to be a kind like me,
but you will never be
because it is only your own shine
that will nurture you soul and make you whole.
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
This positive attitude is sometimes the result of an excruciating battle with P.T.S.D and Fibromyalgia. I worked hard in therapy learning new coping skills like tapping and visualization. Breathing awareness is essential but also grounding myself in the here and now is my goal after something triggers me.
Sometimes I am aware of it and sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks catching me off guard. On guard is the natural state for someone with P.T.S.D. I may see it coming and can prepare myself and map out a plan by choosing tools to use beforehand.
I pray. I use deep breathing and create mantras to repeat in my head to keep me grounded. After the triggering event I may or may not have to decompress the emotions that may still exist in my body. The point I am making is “IT IS WORK” it is a daily fight.
Because of therapy I can cope with the effects of being a survivor of rape at the age of five. Effects like, always being aware of my surroundings, having to bring myself back to the here and now and the sleepless nights because your brain is wired to stay awake and alert all night to stay safe for the last 45 years. I know it will take years to undo not only psychological effects but also the physiological effects as well.
It is a fight everyday of self-examination and reflection to identify and rectify where this shit shows up. It is getting better and somewhat easier but I haven’t got there yet. Now, after therapy I am closer to having the past be just a memory with little feeling or emotion attached to it. It is not ever like none of it happened. In my soul I am really grateful for all of my experiences. I am always hopeful that my sharing helps.
It is kind of like a broken arm. Surgery may be required to repair it and will result in a scar as a reminder that it happened. It may hurt like hell for months and then after healing it may develop arthritis in that area of your arm and every time the weather changes you are reminded of the event that caused the broken arm.
So, yeah I am healed but healing does not remove the scar. Healing means although the scar is there the pain is not as intense. Like the arm I know when to protect myself from the elements that may cause a set back. Awareness that I may still be a little fragile will go a long way.
I believe I have fibromyalgia because of what happened to me as a child. I will explain my theory in another post. I have dealt with depression all of my life and P.T.S.D had left a legacy of pain in my life until I committed to healing. It has also led me to my Purpose.
Every day I deal with all of these conditions that feed on each other.
Mornings and evenings are the worst. I wake with physical pain every morning. Each morning is different when it comes to my pain level.
It takes me at the minimum 2 hours to get myself to a place where the pain is not forcing me back to bed. That can include taking pain pills, muscle relaxers and fixing breakfast with hands hurting so badly that opening a drawer, cutting my eggs, or washing a skillet may leave me in tears or at the least holding back the “ouches” that want to escape my soul. Every day I fight to overcome this and get something accomplished (this day).
It is a vicious cycle that is never-ending. I can’t sleep because P.T.S.D and some event may have triggered me. The healing part is that I am aware. I know what to do to get back to a place of peace, but, IT TAKES WORK. It is not effortless. I imagine one day it will be but today is not that day.
I am a conqueror because I overcome many times throughout the day. That is why I strive for happiness moment to moment. It might appear that I am in La La land. I am just living in the moment.
So, no sleep from P.T.S.D will mean when I do wake up after taking something to force the hand of sleep, I have more pain which can lead to depression if I don’t fight. Some days all I want to do is lay back down and go to sleep but I know that comes with a price so I have to push past pain.
Every day the task is to assess how much energy is available and decide where it will be spent.
I am no longer just a survivor. I am a conqueror. A victim says “why me?” a survivor say “whew, I made it out”, a Conqueror says “God use me to help make other lives better.”
We all have choices and we all have our tailored made cross to balance the mountains and valleys that will prepare us for our Purpose.
Most of childhood was hidden from me in the recesses of my mind, waiting on my soul’s readiness to heal from rape. Only now as I stay committed to therapy by any means necessary are the good memories starting to surface after excavating through the dirty images my mind knew I was not ready to see.
It is not coincidental that my mind, body, and soul have chosen this time for my healing. School has always been my hiding place. My sanctuary is my mind. As a child at eight, I remember walking alone to the library to check out books because I could hide in them. By the time I was nine I had read the entire Child-craft Collection of 24 books cover to cover. Safety was found in the worlds I could transcend to with my book. Words were my toys. I could use them to create whatever reality I chose.
I am finding solace in my schoolbooks now. They provide an anchor for me. I can find my self-esteem in challenging my mind. No one can go inside my head and take away my knowledge.
I feel my grandmothers’ presence. They are always in my mind. I hear them telling me I am smart. Pretty was not important but smart would save me. They protected me, nurtured me, and sheltered me with love.
I am filled with so much joy from the memories of Nesie with her grandmothers, HAPPY.
As long as I was sitting on the porch at their feet it did not matter if it was day or night
I knew I would be all right.
They were the ones that rescued me and took me home.
They filled up all the little holes in my heart
even though their love always leaked out.
They never grew tired of filling me up.
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered. It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now. I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now?
I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming.
Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions. I would resist the feelings. I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff. I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five. I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved.
I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche. Now is the time my body and mind have chosen to deal with this at this time in my life the only thing I have focus on is myself. No more hiding behind children and spouses I am ready to create and reveal the life I deserve.
I am at a place where I can move forward to complete this book. I am still in therapy dealing with my abandonment issues and working diligently to find peace with the memories. I am going to start a new page as I go through the process of dealing with these issues and how they have showed up in my behavior and my relationships.
I am striving towards healing to allow me to have more healthy relationships. It is not something that can be dealt with quickly because i have learned that the mind will bring these memories and flashbacks to surface when i am ready to deal with them. As i have learned the hard way, if i don’t deal with the feelings they will deal with me.
As i continue on my journey to healing and mental health and stability hopefully someone will be encouraged to start their own healing.
I promise the little girl in my that I will not abandon her and will stay with her for as long as it takes to learn how to live with PTSD.
Thank you for going on this journey of my soul with me.