111th post (the demons are dead)

111th post  (the demons are dead)

 

Anybody that knows even the very basic about me knows that 11 is my number. I actually started seeing 11’s everywhere in 2011.  On any clock anywhere I would see 1111 or 111 a.m and p.m. I would see it  on the most random items like what time someone called me or how  long the message was they left on voice mail.  It got to the point it spooked me and I did my due diligence research.  I found out so many interesting facts about the number 11.  According to Numerology I am an 11.

I said all that to say how cool is that?  I sat down to create a new post and happen to notice that this is my 111th post.

I take this as a tap on the shoulder from the Universe that I am on the right path.  I see it as God smiling on me.  I feel connected to the all.  The energetic power to create your version of happiness.  The energy in our soul placed there and filled with desire by God.  Bliss is finding your purpose and fulfilling it.  There is a huge reward for killing your demons in therapy.

My soul chose this path to heal itself.  With that being my belief there is no room for regret.  I follow the urging of my soul.  Some call it intuition or “a gut feeling” or maybe even God speaking.  We cant really explain it but it usually serves our highest good if we follow.

So on today as I reflect on all this blog has allowed me to accomplish it get chills as I realize just how far I have come and that my readers and followers have taken this journey to healing with me.

When I started this blog I could not finish my book because the poetry was so triggering and would cause a decline in my mental health that usually landed me in the hospital.  I look through the archives and see that the journey was long and hard but my perseverance, resilience and passionate commitment to heal lead me through.

Now I am able to share my story without the tears, heartache, triggers and flashbacks.  This is what healing looks like.  I am a success story so that other women can see that if I can do it they can too.  The same God that blessed me and carried me through the worst will do the same for them also.

There were days when the grief was all consuming and it seemed it would never end.  Anger was the river of blood I swam in because it was unfair that the victim had to fix herself.  But as I remember how horrific remembering is I remember how the emotions were devastating because it is reliving it again and sometimes over and over until the feelings don’t dont have the same meaning.  Healing is painful and it takes a lot of courage but the other side is so worth it.

To be able to help other women and men be inspired enough to do the work necessary to be free is my life’s purpose.  I say work because I don’t want to sugar coat it.  It fucking sucks that you have to undo what has been done unto to you.

But when I look at it from a holistic spiritual perspective and believe that there really is a purpose for all of this pain.  There is sunshine after the rain.

Mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Before and After Therapy 

Before and After Therapy 

Practice makes perfect is a true statement or at the very least practice makes better. Before therapy most of my thoughts were negative. I beat up on myself thinking things like “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again?”, “What is the point? I might as well just end it, nobody cares anyway. ” Then I would slide down the slippery slope of depression. I knew if I did not ask for help I would commit suicide. This always ended with a hospital stay of at least 3 days or 72 hours. The skills needed to climb out of the pits of hellish depression were not yet in my possession.

Now, though,  I have an arsenal of tools to prevent the stumble and fall. I stumble but it doesn’t mean the same. Learning and honing coping skills is the super power of therapy.  I stay elevated mentally with out any medication. Stability has been obtained due to  the hard work done for the sake of healing. I had to face the fear that I would lose my mind if I allowed the trapped emotions to rise in an effort to be released.

Not being able to bear constant pain any longer convinced me to commit to the try. Life or death urgency was the strength of this try.  My grandmother always said, “Nothing beats a failure but a try.”  Pain was the biggest motivator forcing me to address it or die.

Losing my mind was the benefit of letting go. I reprogrammed, rewired, and regenerated pathways in my brain.  The default now is happy.

After therapy and years of determination to practice what was learned in therapy, it is rare to have a negative thought about myself.  Replacing it with the truth comes easy.  Because I believe these truths:  I am amazing. I am strong. I am fearless. God is with me. No matter what happens it will be alright. Before therapy I couldn’t even trust my own mind.

After therapy I have no doubt in my ability to make sure I have what I need. God has smiled on me so many times that my faith and trust are unshakable.

Dreams really do come true (faith without works is void)

I wake up every morning more happier than the next.  No matter the circumstances I believe in myself.  I believe in the God in me that helps me to manifest my vision.  There are moments throughout the day that I break out in a big ole smile and I want to jump up and down from the Joy unspeakable.  It has been my desire since I realized God had given me a gift, to share it with the world.  I have always just wanted to make a living doing what God gave me to do.

I am living my dream.  I will manifest the things God has given me to do.  I HAVE NO DOUBT

There have been many that said, “Yvette, this writing thing is what you should be doing.”  I cant even number the confirmations given by the Universe that said to me, “write woman, write”.  I answered the call and am now on purpose, living in the will God’s has for my life.

My mind is saying, “Wow, it really is true what the bible says about your gift making room for you.”My soul is saying, “Wow, she is really ready to walk in her purpose.”

My body is even falling in line with purpose.  My rheumatologist told me at the last appointment, “You only need to see me on a as needed basis.” 2010 ended with my declaration to commit to healing my mind, body and soul.  I spent most of my time in bed then because of the pain that made me depressed, because of the depression that made me hurt. It was a vicious cycle of pain and depression.

If I had not been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I would not have taken control of my life and started the road to recovery.  If it were not for this dreadful condition causing me to be still long enough to research and implement major life changes that have profoundly improved my quality of life.

The better I be, the better God can use me.

It does get better later.

Holding on to happy Is easy to do after therapy. 

I am literally loving the skin I am in. I have self-worth. There was a time in my life when I did not know what self-love felt like. After therapy I understand how to keep loving myself no matter the circumstances.   There have been  times in my life recently when I’ve been challenged to be who I say I am.

Before therapy I thought I really  trusted God,  and I did, according to my life experiences at that point in life.  I had to learn how to rely on the God in me. Because I am made in the image of God. I  have the God-given attribute to speak things into existence. God gave that attribute to all of us. I have experienced creating my desires with the words I have spoken. Before therapy I didn’t have the ability to trust anyone not even myself. I took personal what happened to me as a child.

After therapy I realize that I am able to take care of me and to protect myself. What happened in the past had nothing to do with me. I just happened to be caught in someone else’s hell or those were the circumstances my soul chose for my purpose in this lifetime.

I have been in   codependent relationships that relied on me being disabled in sort of way,  be it physical or psychological. We were both needy and dependant. It was not healthy because it enabled dysfunction.

My faith in God is strengthened after therapy.  I know God will provide me with the power to change the parts of my personality that do not serve me well. I am a work in progress and every day I am provided with opportunities to be better than the day before.  I have  self-worth. I know what I bring to the table of love. My spot in the Universe is important. I have confidence in my ABILITY to manifest the vision God has given me for my life. 

After therapy I still stumble and on occasion fall down but the difference is I don’t sit in it, or feel sorry for myself. I search for the Silver Lining my grandmother Mamie J Coopwood taught me could be found inside every cloud. The lesson gleaned provides the springboard to change. She also taught me that Practice makes perfect. So I believe without a doubt that the tools I practiced in  therapy will continue to provide support out in the REAL WORLD.   I am better today than yesterday but not as good as I will be tomorrow. I am grateful for God’s Grace and Mercy. Holding on to Happy is easy to do after therapy.  

Core Beliefs “dichotomies”

Thank God I am not my feelings.

I realized in therapy that one of my core beliefs was “I am not safe”. I am grateful for awareness and the ability to change that belief to “I am always protected by God’s Love. Always.

Cognitively I know that I am safe but if triggered I feel as if my life is at stake.  Before therapy I would run.  After therapy I can use my tools, like grounding, walking, talking, dancing or asking for help when all else fails.  Praying and going to church are the most effective when strongholds are at play.

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“crazy” woman talking (a personal trigger)

“crazy” woman talking (a personal trigger)

Calling someone crazy is the lowest of the low digs that an emotional antagonist uses to dismiss and discount someone with mental illness.  We with mental illness struggle to not feel, think, or appear crazy. It hurts worse when it comes from someone that has first hand knowledge of your struggle to overcome the stigma of mental illness.

Calling someone crazy is like throwing a dagger that lands in the middle of our heart and it stays there for days while we struggle to tell ourselves that we arenot crazy.

We are what happened to us.  We did not give ourselves P,T.S.D. or depression.

I have worked hard in therapy to undo what has been done unto me and to call me crazy invalidates every thing I have sacrificed to be make myself whole.

Calling me crazy triggers me to a place that is hard to return.  The spirits of the past are all too willing to remind me of what happened to me.  I have to fight to keep from falling into the deep hole of depression.

In the past it took me weeks, even months to return to a place of peace where I control the thoughts and images that enter my mind.  I mean, really?, do people really think  I enjoy this shit?  I isolate because I am bruised and cant stand for anyone to look at me feeling defeated.   I want to disappear and not have to deal with the exhaustion of fighting an invisible enemy.

Depression

I feel it licking at my heels

it pulls and laughs at me

challenging me

I have to dig deep

pull out what God has given me for this storm

God can you hear me

as I scream from the depth of my soul

no sound

bound

it is grabbing my ankles

its slithers up my legs

when it reaches my heart

I am full

I burst when it reaches my mind

I sling slander in my path

so you wont hinder my form of descent

into the pits of hell

depression says

sunshine blue skies seem so far a way

But God, when I reach my lowest

the light is waiting

it holds me

it consoles me

I breath in the energy

I need to make this reappearance sweet

I retreat

the light of love

heals me with relief

I remember

whose I am

free

breath

peace

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Holding on to Happy

Before Therapy I would go into a severe depression when I felt that I had disappointed someone.  Some selfish person would try and guilt trip me into seeing things their way for what ever reason.  I would not speak up. I would dwell on the experience.  I felt bad because they told me I should feel bad.

I would fill my mind with negative thoughts and spiral into a deep depression.  The guilt tripper would not even know the amount of damage or the effect of my self inflicted abuse.  I just could not cope with knowing someone was not pleased with me and go out of my way to either avoid that person or find a way to mend the energy between us.

After therapy I realize the best way to cope is to do what is right for me.  I can deal with the disappointment of others about me not doing what they see as best.  I can allow that to be their truth.

I am okay with me and I am enough.  I am brave and courageous.  My faith in God keeps me strong and resilient.