a safe place for healing 

Therapy provided the safe space to wail, moan, sling snot, curse, get fucking angry, say shit out loud that I should not dare to say anywhere else, shit that if I did they would lock me up,  therapy gave me permission to place the blame where it belonged, you don’t have to forgive to heal, hell my healing was dependent on changing me not forgiving someone else, I had to grow up, I had to mother myself, I took care of the little abandoned girl, I told her I loved her and that I would not let another motherfu*cker hurt her ever again, I protected her while she cried, I believed her when she said that man hurt her, I told her it was okay to feel sad about it, anyone would be fu*king mad about it, kill that mfer in your head and heart by giving yourself a fresh start by plugging the holes in your soul with self-love, girl go talk to somebody and let it out, happiness is on the other side, please have no doubt, girl get you some help

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

God even supplies the Hugs

It’s the God in me. I promise you that God supplies my every need, even hugs. I have a neighbor that gives me a hug every time she sees me. Today she brought tears to my eyes because we are in the monsoon season here in Phoenix and she was using her walker. She has arthritis,but she walked outside our building to the spot where I dance in the sun every morning just to give me a hug.
Anyone that knows me well know how I love my hugs, honey. I truly believe we start a fast decent to death without human contact.
The thing is the hugs have been supplied by different Mamas. As people move out someone else takes their place. They all have been old enough to be my mother or even my grandmother as was the case with the 96 old Choctaw Native American.
She has transitioned but I had the absolute privilege and honor to be encouraged by her. She would say to me and anyone within earshot that she was so proud of me. Being a retired Therapist she told me to follow my heart to help women, I was needed.
When I went to speak at a Domestic Violence Shelter for women, she listened intently to the recording and hugged my neck tight although her body was twisted from the arthritis. I would talk with her for hours and show her pictures of my family. I will never doubt God’s faithfulness to always provide for me just like all of Creation.
It is not me but the God in me that draws people to me.
I am not really that special. I just have experienced a time when I pushed people away. I have always prayed to be an instrument of Love but my issues had a way of keeping me feeling defeated.
After therapy, I am not emotionally unstable. Depression thinking is not my default. I know Anxiety is Fear and Fear is ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’. In therapy I learned to check any thought that was giving me anxiety with the question, “What is the Evidence of the belief?”
When you are OnPurpose and your only Goal is to stay in the Will of God so that your mission for this lifetime is fulfilled, there is no need to worry. Everything you need will be there when you get there.
mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
8.17.18
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

Your Soul Knows What You Need To Heal

When you know your purpose and you know your God your Faith can not be shaken. You wont let others tell you how your life should be lived. I know the God in me intimately. How could I not get to know God intimately after living in a city alone with no family or friends.
I landed on my feet because of my faith in God.
I trust God to lead me. I have learned to wait and listen before making changes in my life. All any of us need is already in our soul.
We all have a journey. There is purpose for every soul.
Our personality or our ego/flesh is the tool that shows us where we need to change.
The people we encounter represent a mirror into the cracks in our soul. When we seek truth and search for the lesson our souls evolve.
As we grow we enlighten others and the soul just keeps growing and healing until we reach what is called nirvana or bliss or total enlightenment or self realization.
Whatever you call it, it is just knowing who you are, knowing what your purpose is and knowing that your purpose is greater than you.
Knowing that God lives in your soul and what your purpose is in this life is Heaven. It is a life without worry. It is a life lived listening and moving as God tells you to and not listening to the doubts others have about your life or your life choices. There really is not a man or woman alive that can reassure you of your purpose.
Only you and God know and that is ALL you have to know.

pray don’t worry “compartmentalize”

I pray so I don’t have to worry.

At 50 years old I learned in therapy  the tools needed to cope. I essentially grew up. My family of origin was dysfunctional, so I was not aware of the pathology in my thinking that showed up in my behavior.

Therapy for me was  examining behaviors that don’t serve me well, like catastrophizing. The understanding of why I do something helped me love myself unconditionally. I then had the confidence that I could  reprogram and resetting my default to healthy thinking which fueled the change in how I respond to life’s challenges.
We say knowledge is power but it can only be powerful when we use what we have learned to change.
I had been known to freak out. To not be able to handle stress was my legacy. My family would deliberately keep things from me. They felt they had to protect me or I would collapse under the pressure.
After therapy I use the tool my therapist and I  practiced, “compartmentalizing”.
It is inline with my now favorite motto or chant.

If you are going to pray, don’t worry and if you are going to worry don’t pray.

I had a situation come up yesterday that in the past would have sent me reeling straight into anger and then depression and the cycle would start. Depression, pain, and anger from feeling out control.

That is FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

The truth is we have a choice to make moment to moment. We cant be happy and sad at the same exact moment. The brain does not work that way. And thank God because we would loose our choice or ability to be the miraculous human beings we are.

Our mindset is a choice. Our power lies in the fact we can create. We can think a thing, speak the thing and manifest a thing. It really is that simple.
I have changed. When things crop up and I don’t have the resources to solve the problem I am okay with allowing God to lead me to the solution.

Yesterday, I prayed and enjoyed the rest of my evening because there was nothing I could do about it at the time.  I have learned to be present in the moment by compartmentalizing. I slept well last night.  When I  rose I went about  my usual morning rituals. When I sat down and I allowed myself to think about it again, the problem was not as bad as I had initially thought.

No matter what I know I can trust God so I pray.  Praying is giving it to God. But I don’t take it back by worrying about it. Breathing a sigh of relief, and smiling from the reassurance that it will all work out because I am in Gods will. Being happy moment to moment is the choice I make . Being present and Being grateful are the main keys to my happiness.

I am happy because I am grateful.

Catastrophizing

How to compartmentalize.

Just Love somebody damn it!!!  Love or Fear which will you choose?

My love is an inexhaustible stream

given at birth for me to give away

the only power i have

the only thing i could ever control

is my choice to love

i don’t have to chase it

or look for it

i am it

so i decide to love

right now

this second

giving you my love makes my love overflow

when i give it to you god gives me more

the only reason to be alive is to love

any other reason and you have chosen an unnecessary chore

excerpt from “the souls’ poetry” by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  pg 67

Fear robs us of so much. Today I have talked about love, thought a lot about love and read a lot about people wanting but fearing love.  It seems we all want love but we are afraid to love anyone cause we don’t want to hurt.

Yet people like me get criticized for just wanting to experience love in all its facets.  I am love so why wouldn’t I want to give this love away?   All we have really, to give, is love.  You can judge me and call me kooky.  But while you living in fear I am living in love.
I may get “hurt” 25 more times before I die but at least I lived and loved.  I may have 6 more relationships that fail (I hope not, that is why I am doing my work in therapy) but at least I have created some great memories and loved some wonderful people.

I don’t regret any love I have given and I will love the next lover  with as much fervency as the last.
This love is mine to give and it is inexhaustible.  At the end of my life you can say “She loved”

Just Love somebody damn it!!!  Love or Fear which will you choose?

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

#loveisallthatmatters

 

You can do it too.

I am officially a Walker. I am walking between 25 and 35 miles per week. After working with my Business Coach Marci Batiste I realized that I had no choice but to slow down the pace and make my health a priority. I am feeling better and bouncing back from flare ups much quicker. None of the changes made to improve my physical health would have been possible if it were not for the commitment I made to do the hard work of healing.
More than one therapist has told me that I am the exception. Most people in therapy don’t change because they are not willing to work.
I don’t believe I am that special. It comes down to your mindset. If you are determined to heal like I was, I PROMISE YOU that God, your Angels and the entire universe will rise up and support you.
I am not telling you what I read. I am telling you what I know from experience. Your will to heal puts everything in motion. If you take two steps God will support you to continue to take steps.
My mission is to inspire you to get some therapy. If I don’t do anything else in life I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God has used me to lead women to healing.
If I did it you can too.

Want Change? Change your mind.

I have been battling with changing two core beliefs this year. Therapy has helped me to examine my own behavior, think about where the root is and destroy it by changing the way I think.
One core belief was, {everybody was going to leave me). I expected it. So whenever I had feelings of being abandoned my brain could not tell that I was just having thoughts or remembering experiences.
Even though it was not really happening my brain told my body it was happening. I say this was a core belief because now that I have identified it, it no longer is a belief. It is a fear – (false evidence appearing real) to be dealt with accordingly.
Because of the knowledge I have gained in therapy about how I respond to triggers, I am able to identify and replace negative thoughts that once supported my core belief that everybody was going to leave.
I am sure I have sabotaged relationships in fear of the abandonment. It was kind of like I was protecting myself for what was to come.
Another core belief that I have had to acknowledge is I believed that people were out to get me. I have learned to trust the God in me. Moving slower will allows the process to happen. Now I understand and appreciate the value of waiting for direction.
While waiting, for the emotion to dissipate, I ask myself “What is the evidence of …..?”
Once the emotion is gone. I detach, pray and wait on God to give me the best solution. Sometimes nothing needs to be done. Other times I am led to a person, place or thing that holds THE ANSWER.But ALWAYS I get the LESSON. I am able to evolve to a new level.
There is no evidence that supports that belief that people always leave me and there is no evidence that people are out to get me.
I had some damage to my car and I assumed that it had been vandalized, but waiting allowed me to see that I was the one that had damaged my car. Once my mind was cleared of all those untrue thoughts I remembered exactly when and how it happened.
Three weeks is how long I waited for these profound epiphany’s. Being able to accomplish my goals is a direct result of working on my thinking which helps me to change my behavior. After doing the work in therapy the real Work begins. It does get better though, At first I hated examining everything I thought or did, but over time and with practice my snap back time (knowing that that was then and this is now)has decreased tremendously.
In full expectation I am looking forward to the day when I have successfully rewired my brain to not allow anything from my past to affect my now. Practice really does make perfect. It has already become second nature to identify and let go of the emotions of a trigger ASAP. I have truly been able to “Let Go, and Let God”
If you are going to worry, don’t pray, if you are going to pray, don’t worry.

mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Best Year Ever

Finally getting back on track. This year has already proven to be the best ever. It started with the amazing Manifest your Vision Event where I created a fantastic Vision Board. I promise you that many things have already come true. Not because the board is magical but because it is in a place in my home where I see it everyday and I am diligently working to make my vision happen.
 
Then I became laser focused on working with my Business Coach. I invested time, money and energy into learning and developing the tools needed to be a successful Business Owner. It is going to take a minute to incorporate all of the knowledge into practice It has already taken me and my business to the next level.
I realized through working with my Coach that I needed to slow down and focus on my health. I am diabetic and my numbers were out of control for various reasons, some not my fault.
 
Ultimately though it is my responsibility to improve the quality of my life. My number are good and I am exercising in the sun everyday. I have lost the extra 10 pounds and my energy levels are improving drastically.
 
Even though I did not sell a lot of #GirlGetYouSomeHelp t-shirts, the experience of getting ready to do business on Shopify and Printful will prove to be beneficial in making a profit in the near future. I was not fully ready to do business but at least I am set up and just need to add the final touches.
 
My visit home to St. Louis was truly life changing when I was able to read The Official Girl Get You Some Help poem among all of my favorite people in St. Louis. I was able to see where I have changed and also the opportunities for improvement within myself and my Business.
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp was taken to a new level. I learned so much and have more clarity on how to be better next time.
 
By the time my friend came to visit me in Phoenix for Pride, I did my best to muster up enthusiasm but I was spent.
Hanging out with friends at the Pride parade and Festival was one of the best times this year.
The very best and most precious times were meeting and spending time with my two new grandsons’. Going to the circus with two of my grandchildren, spending the night at my babygirl’s new home with her, her fiance and children was truly delightful.    All of the family and friends I was blessed to share time with has been a blessing.
 
It is only April and I have no doubt that the rest of this year will stay on trend to be THE BEST YEAR EVER

She is the reason I don’t believe in Fairytales. (there were no men in our house)

I am celebrating Bertha Sanders my Great GrandMother on International Women’s Day. She passed when I was eleven and it was devastating because she was my constant protector. She would read from the book of Proverbs and Psalms with me on her lap as we rocked in her rocking chair.
She poured so much love into me in those moments I can actually feel them when I remember. I am positive she is responsible for molding me into a poet.
She taught me how to stand up for myself. She taught me that I could have whatever I want. She would tell her daughter (my grandmother), “Give that girl what she want.”. So, No, has never been an option for me because, well…….. I can hear her telling me, “Ne’sa be a good girl.” My nickname was Nesie but she pronounced it as Ne’sa.
This truly African American woman (her father was an African slave and her mother was indigenous to this place we call America) was a homeowner in the early 70’s. She did not have a husband. That is saying a lot considering her age, ethenticity and the history this country has when it comes to the very ones the colonizors stole from and mudered.
I get my hustle from the two grandmothers that raised me. Hard work was the norm in our house. The motto was if you don’t work you dont eat.
I know I get my will from her. She refused to die in the “white man’s hospital” she said when she passed on she would lie down on the couch, put her feet up and go home. That is exactly how she transitioned.
She exemplified  to me, “You will have whatever you say you will have.”
#InternationalWomensDay #GirlGetYouSomeHelp