I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.
I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.
I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”
Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”
I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.
It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.
I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.
I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.
Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.
I want to go home
homesick for my people in St Louis
I miss being around those that know me
the shock of culture in Phoenix is stark
I miss those that hold my heart
never thought I would miss St Louis
not missing the mold and high humidity
but I do miss the familiarity of my city
a walk in Creve Coeur park stimulated creativity
strolling through the Delmar loop
or traveling down Euclid looking for parking
just to get some Chinese food
is what I want to do.
just woke up this morning missing St Louis
yearning to swing down to the mangrove
by way of forest park
after viewing a movie premiere
sitting comfy in the art museum
twilight Tuesday celebrated
the music that flowed through our city
I have to admit it, St Louis is in my blood and I don’t regret it
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
4.30.17 1:55 PM
It is not me but the God in me that draws people to me.
As I think back over my life in this reflective vibe I have been in lately, I see all the places in my life where I discounted my value. It saddens me to know that I did not see how immensely valuable my presence was in my family’s life.
Coming to Phoenix is exactly what I needed to realize my worth. To understand my influence and my purpose. Even when I was a very young woman considering placing my children for adoption, it was because I thought I could not be a good mother.
I now know that with this big ole heart that God gave me nothing could be further from the truth.
Now that I know what I bring to the table of life I see where my presence can make a difference in this world.
What I have to give my family, friends, community and partner is extremely valuable. Now that I know how to give from my overflow I am ready to continue this journey of healing. The next step is to continue to encourage women to heal with #GirlGetYouSomeHelp brand. I am not thru.
The next level is going to be Fantastic. I already have a vision but more than that I have a plan. Still basically the same mission but the HOW is clear. I am excited to see what the rest of this year will bring.
I started out with investing in myself and my business. I have grown greatly as a woman and as a business woman. My confidence is huge because I have built a support system of like minded business women that I follow.
I know more about me, so I can pace myself in all areas of my life. I know how to set boundaries now. I am not ruled by my emotions. Finding peace, contentment or happiness is a breath away now.
When I remember to breath and acknowledge gratefully where that breath comes from, all is well in my soul in the moment. Is not the moment all we have?
When you know your purpose and you know your God your Faith can not be shaken. You wont let others tell you how your life should be lived. I know the God in me intimately. How could I not get to know God intimately after living in a city alone with no family or friends.
I landed on my feet because of my faith in God.
I trust God to lead me. I have learned to wait and listen before making changes in my life. All any of us need is already in our soul.
We all have a journey. There is purpose for every soul.
Our personality or our ego/flesh is the tool that shows us where we need to change.
The people we encounter represent a mirror into the cracks in our soul. When we seek truth and search for the lesson our souls evolve.
As we grow we enlighten others and the soul just keeps growing and healing until we reach what is called nirvana or bliss or total enlightenment or self realization.
Whatever you call it, it is just knowing who you are, knowing what your purpose is and knowing that your purpose is greater than you.
Knowing that God lives in your soul and what your purpose is in this life is Heaven. It is a life without worry. It is a life lived listening and moving as God tells you to and not listening to the doubts others have about your life or your life choices. There really is not a man or woman alive that can reassure you of your purpose.
Only you and God know and that is ALL you have to know.
My love is an inexhaustible stream
given at birth for me to give away
the only power i have
the only thing i could ever control
is my choice to love
i don’t have to chase it
or look for it
i am it
so i decide to love
giving you my love makes my love overflow
when i give it to you god gives me more
the only reason to be alive is to love
any other reason and you have chosen an unnecessary chore
excerpt from “the souls’ poetry” by mozayik “the souls’ poet” pg 67
Fear robs us of so much. Today I have talked about love, thought a lot about love and read a lot about people wanting but fearing love. It seems we all want love but we are afraid to love anyone cause we don’t want to hurt.
Yet people like me get criticized for just wanting to experience love in all its facets. I am love so why wouldn’t I want to give this love away? All we have really, to give, is love. You can judge me and call me kooky. But while you living in fear I am living in love.
I may get “hurt” 25 more times before I die but at least I lived and loved. I may have 6 more relationships that fail (I hope not, that is why I am doing my work in therapy) but at least I have created some great memories and loved some wonderful people.
I don’t regret any love I have given and I will love the next lover with as much fervency as the last.
This love is mine to give and it is inexhaustible. At the end of my life you can say “She loved”
Just Love somebody damn it!!! Love or Fear which will you choose?
I am officially a Walker. I am walking between 25 and 35 miles per week. After working with my Business Coach Marci Batiste I realized that I had no choice but to slow down the pace and make my health a priority. I am feeling better and bouncing back from flare ups much quicker. None of the changes made to improve my physical health would have been possible if it were not for the commitment I made to do the hard work of healing.
More than one therapist has told me that I am the exception. Most people in therapy don’t change because they are not willing to work.
I don’t believe I am that special. It comes down to your mindset. If you are determined to heal like I was, I PROMISE YOU that God, your Angels and the entire universe will rise up and support you.
I am not telling you what I read. I am telling you what I know from experience. Your will to heal puts everything in motion. If you take two steps God will support you to continue to take steps.
My mission is to inspire you to get some therapy. If I don’t do anything else in life I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God has used me to lead women to healing.
If I did it you can too.