Tag: Relationships

A Mother 20/20 hindsight

I called my mother by her first name my entire life. I can’t remember if I ever called her mother, mommy or mama. We struggled until the day she died with forgiveness. I thought had forgiven her because I tried to be a good daughter, my efforts came with a huge sacrifice of my own wellbeing. I won’t go into detail about our relationship.

I am writing this to honor my mother and all mothers everywhere. The mother’s trying to mother but do not know how. The mothers that have sacrificed their own souls seeking love. The mothers that abandoned because they were abandoned. The loving mother’s trying to protect and keep the children out of harm’s way. Even if the way is herself.

Our mothers are human beings with faults unique to their purpose.  We judge them based on our denial of our own imperfections. All humans are all uniquely fitted specifically for the journey we are on.  Lately my mother, my daughter’s journey’s as mothers and all mothers have been on my mind.

No matter what any mother has not done for the fruit of her womb, all human beings are worthy of love and the opportunity to heal.

Love is the salve for the women who could not birth but still mothered.

There are a lot of myths attached to motherhood. Recently I had to revisit how I felt about my mother. Healing is a process that brings with each level new insights.

I truly believe our souls choose the specific circumstances needed to evolve to the next level of healing and to fulfill purpose.

I am sure my testimony and my transparency have saved lives. Most importantly though, the healing of my family’s soul has been taken to another level. Some strongholds have been destroyed through the healing I have done and will continue to do. There is still work to be done. My children are doing the work required for their generation.

As I reflect on my relationship with my mother, I pray her soul will find more peace and healing in the next lifetime. I am doing what she could not. My daughters are aware and open to therapy. They are actively doing what I did not start to do until the age of 50.

I am alive to teach my grandchildren about breathing, meditation, and honoring the God residing in their souls since the day they were born.  I am teaching them about the importance of honoring their ancestors. It is vitally important they know where they came from and the enormous possibilities of where they can go.

I am the Matriarch. My responsibility is to leave my family in a better place spiritually by breaking the chains of generational dysfunction with love and knowledge of who they are.

There is a peace I have this Mother’s Day that I have never had.

A lot of something bad happened to my mother. Her entire life she was mistreated. I personally know of a rape that happened to her at the age of 9. She was treated like the black sheep, the outcast, the crazy one, the little fast tail girl.

I believe they were just not aware of mental health issues and how to help her. I don’t excuse them; I just understand that I am blessed with access to the world wide web.

I had the knowledge and support to change. I decided to change. I did the work and am yet doing the work to change.

This is for all the mothers, especially the mothers that are raising my grandchildren. Their shiny intelligence is being nurtured with love by these beautiful women. All with their unique journeys that include the little souls that chose them as their mothers.

I witness progress and healing in our family because of the loving energy of my beautiful daughters from my womb and my daughters in love. All are phenomenal women. Every one of them is a great mother in my eyes and heart. The proof of the healing of our ancestors is evident in my grandchildren’s accomplishments, the innocence seen in their eyes, and the kind hearts that their parents, my children have nurtured.

This is my legacy.

A Mother

*****Shadows****

I wrote this poem when healing from narcissistic abuse. My therapist asked me the question, “Who was your first narcissist?” This is the epiphany.

I kept marrying my mother

Over and over, I begged her to love me

To hold me, laugh with me, instead of mocking me

She abandoned me and I never knew

When or if I would ever see her again

So over and over I begged her to love me

To hold me and never let me go

I kept marrying my mother over and over

The all behaved just like her

Intently looking for places to dagger me to death

The buildup, the let down

Lying on me so the story sounds

true for those in the neighborhood

I am gifting, finally

My permission to hate who you were

I will take that hate and transmute it to self-love

Accepting

It is not me

My guilt was that I destroyed my children

Because it was so hard to be a mother

When the first time I can remember

she abandoned me when I was three

she called me a murderer to hide her degradation

I was scapegoated while she lied on me continuously

This is why, I keept sacrificing everything

Begging her to love me

the same narcissistic cycle

my brain was programmed that way

narcissists loved bomb me without apology or acknowledgement

of the blood drawn from my soul

I was the best ever

Until they got cold

After that, I wasn’t shit

I just waited until

I was the bomb diggity again

Soon we would be out on display again

Outside the doors life was grand

Within those walls though

Your ass was a (female dog)

3.14.2020.9.50a

Christianity and Abuse

I was torn between being a good Christian and a good citizen.

Wanting to please God but needing to protect myself.

That was the dichotomy of my faith.

“If he wants you the bible says you must stay until he doesn’t.”

My faith was being tested, that is what pastor said.

My question to pastor?

How do you love someone that has left you black and blue?

How do you love the you that allows the abuse?

Mama said shame on you if let them hit you twice,

the first time should be enough.

Mama never talked about the fight or flight into myself.

In my crib I was programmed for trauma bonding.

I became addicted to the rush of chemicals from my own brain

as she participated in the disdain of herself

only to allow it to happen again.

I was wired to repeat the cycle of pain

God forgives

But a price must still be paid for the abuse.

Charges should be brought against all perpetrators.

The pain they cause not only break our hearts,

it leaves a stain upon our image of self.

Now we understand.

We can get some help.

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

By Zuri Savage

8.8.2021.10.13a

my daughter’s words

Mama, thanks for always being my biggest supporter. Thanks for growing with me, always gently pushing, even when I get off track you’re still there, saying you can do this girl. No one has ever told me I’m phenomenal more than you. You are definitely my ride or die. I know I can be a bit bossy, controlling and difficult to deal with.

You have always shown me patience through love and honesty. I truly enjoy being around you. You are very special. This is why every child that has come from you, is extraordinarily smart, wise, and loving. All of that came with a price. All of your suffering and sacrifice has come with a cost.

Now you can be a beacon of light and love. You attract what you put out, love, happiness, and sunshine. You may not have heard any of your children say they wanted to be like you. But I do, I want my children and grandchildren to adore me, like yours. It’s your love that motivates us to be our best, you have only poured love into us, and I appreciate that more than anything in life.

Thank you for the tough love, because it made me stronger. Thank you for tender love, it has taught me patience, acceptance, and understanding.💓💋💋melisa💜

brokenness

Because we are broken we choose broken people who help us to perpetuate the brokenness to a multigenerational level.  We have been socialized and conditioned to withstand breaking.  It has been our normal for so long that we don’t even question the breaking.  We see it everywhere.  It is a part of our history.  We were determined to not break or at least not show our brokenness.

It is my brokenness that has made me whole. The tears in my soul are sewn with the golden thread of Grace. Beautiful scars honor my journey. Breaking open has allowed my soul to evolve to unconditional love for myself.

 

 

 

 

to the next lover, she grew up

I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.

That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.

My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.

With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.

Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.

I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.

I am enough for me.

Undo to Heal

Therapy was really good yesterday, my understanding of abandonment has grown. Children will seek approval of their parents even if the parent was abusive. It is just the nature of childhood.

I was abandoned by my mother at six and suffered severe neglect and rape.

I have been recreating the scenario of abandonment over and over subconsciously hoping for a different outcome. Hoping she would finally show up and give the unconditional love I deserved. I have been choosing partners just like my mother.  Ones that would leave or abuse.  My core belief has been that people will leave you, people will hurt you and not have any conscious about it.

It was always my fault that she is a bad person. My mother never admitted to what happened to me. I was a liar, a bad seed. It was not that bad, even though I was home alone, dirty and had no clean clothes or nothing to eat. My uncle had to break a window to get me out of the roach-infested apartment. I don’t know where my mother was.

My aunt had to scrub the dirt off my body.

This was a very hard truth to accept. My mother is dead and I wanted her to stay dead. But if I truly want to heal, at last, I had to look at her and what happened to me on her watch. I have long ago forgiven her.  I loved my mother. but that did not erase what happened and how it affected me.

The undo had to happen.

I understand now that until the pain of abandonment, neglect, and abuse are processed and the root of bitterness is excavated I will keep seeking approval from the abuser. I am grateful for all of my experiences. I look for the silver lining in every situation. I want my pain to serve a purpose. I need my pain to be the catalyst for someone else’s healing. I don’t want my living to be in vain, so I share this journey in hopes that others won’t wait until 50 to heal. I pray that healing comes soon and swiftly for all that are hurting.

I am calling this the season of my next level healing. I could be embarrassed about doing this healing process at 58. I choose instead to appreciate that at least I got it and I am literally destroying the trauma cycle for my entire family for generations to come. The work I do in therapy may not be appreciated by my children or grandchildren and that is okay. God knows the sacrifice. God knows my heart that wants to protect them 

It is all starting to make sense to me now. Therapy has helped explain why I have been doing the same thing over and over even until my detriment. Our subconscious mind is so powerful that we do things mindlessly. We are unaware until we have the courage to face the truth about ourselves and those that have hurt us we will not heal. 

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp♥️

Domestic Violence? HEAL EVERYBODY

She asked, “Don’t you think you are overestimating your influence when it comes to domestic violence. How can you be seen as credible?”
This comment gave me insight into how a Narrcist operates.
I said, “No. I keep it real and tell the truth about this insidious sickness in our society. I was called to live out loud so other women (especially African American lesbians) can have a relatable example.
Women need to know what healing really is about. Healing is messy and it is not linear. We will have times in our lives when it seems we can’t get it together but I am here to say, “Even if you take 10 steps back it does not mean you can’t move forward, learn from it and get better.”
I have to be authentic. Or else I have no voice or influence. Domestic Violence Awareness means we have to tell our TRUE stories. 
A truth that most don’t want to look at or have not considered si that the offender and the victim both need healing. Until we recognize and embrace that  FACT we will continue the cycle of Abuse.
God loves us all. God wants all to be healed. We all have access to the unlimited supply of healing. Until we embrace supporting ALL through healing. WE WILL NOT HEAL.

NO, and NO I am not alone.

Whew! I am one of those people. The kind that starts immediately looking for the lesson in the situation so it can be over with and I can move on in this journey of healing.

I lost it today as someone stood at the end of my bed. belittling me and talking to me as if I were a child. I forgive myself for giving her another chance. She called and said what I wanted to hear and boom, right back to the same ole same ole dysfunction.  I asked for my possession and she refused to give it to me and I admit it. I lost it. I lunged at her from my hospital bed trying to get my car keys. she refused to give them to me so I got out of my bed and ran down the hospital hallway to get my keys. I got them too, but not without much embarrassment.

I learned that I do have a breaking point. We all do, but staying away from people that bring out the worst in me is the top priority. I am a force now because as I said, lessons are the most important. I really believe life is going to be filled with nothing but positivity. People that play with your mind are dangerous.

I am sorry for taking my family and friends with me on this journey to love. We don’t usually consider how our choices affect our loved ones that have witnessed you suffer needlessly. Healing is a process. Most women go back to an abuser 7 times before actually leaving and staying gone. I will talk more about that in upcoming blog posts.

I did not get real with therapy until I was 50 years old when I found myself cowered in the corner of my bedroom having flashbacks of when I was left home alone at 5. So this 8 year journey has been an education if nothing else. There have been gaps along the way but it has been probably a good 5 of those 8 were spent in therapy.

It became my mission to free myself and destroy patterns and pathologies in the family tree so that “we can rock the future generations without dysfunction”.

So anyway, let me get back to the point. I learned a lot about myself with these last, ugh, few uh, well let us call them revelations.

I learned that I was still co-dependent. I saw it from a different perspective by listening to my dear friend even though we have not ever met in person, Sherry Dickerson. She talked about needing to be needed was classic co-dependency.

I kinda sorta knew that but the way she put it just made all the circuits of codependency go off in my brain.

Finally, I really get it.

I will always go to therapy when things come up that I need support with, the best place to go is to a Mental Health Professional. That can not only listen and validate your feelings but will also give you tools to use while you heal.

I learned that I have been telling myself a lie about being alone.

My son and his wife and my grandson came to see me at the hospital. I did not call him and I should have. I did not want to bother him. That is that old tape playing in my head from childhood that says he is too busy to be bothered with me.

Let me say that none of my children have ever made feel bad about asking for help. I just don’t ask that is my issue. I see that and it does not serve my highest good to not allow my children to be there for me. It is a blessing for both parent and child when our children bless us with their care and concern.

My daughter checked on me throughout the evening and day.

Another son contacted to make sure I was okay.

I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of Facebook friends that prayed with and for me.

I have a great support system. My girlfriends have my back. These are friends from way back 30 or 40 years or more.

No matter what, even if they have to tell me I am wrong, they will still support whatever I decide to do with my life.

NO, and NO I am not alone. God is with me, and in me so I will always have love. I will not be dying alone. that is a lie from hellacious energy cause hell is right here on earth.

I learned how to let go. I am a Cancer so that is a hard one for me. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not stupid. I am kind. But when I realized that I can not trust you, and sometimes it takes me a long time because I have issues, but, baby, you get no more of my goodness. So I am working on keeping my goodies for the one that will appreciate them. I may have already overlooked her but I wasn’t ready. After all of the drama of the last few months, I am still not ready. That is a great place to be.

I learned that I am poised for greatness.

I also learned that my mouth could impede my growth.

I am a fighter. I fight back. I won’t allow you to do me any kind of way but on the flip side, I learned about my Trauma Brain and Trauma Bonding and a lot of other stuff about trauma and why some of us, especially survivors, keep having the same challenges.

I am even more committed to helping women. When I research and help you I am helping myself. As I encourage you, I encourage myself.

Believe me, I know when to quit, although it may appear that I don’t, and that is okay. I am going to continue letting God lead the way and keep on getting these lessons. This education will catapult me to the next level. I count it all joy, even the F*** ups. As long as we learn, hey, it is all good, right?

Thank you for letting me be myself again

Mozayik

8.18.19.4.41

Words of the Matriarch

Nana Reflections
I have granddaughters that left for college today. I cried. Not because I am sad but because I am so happy for our family.
I had a granddaughter that went to kindergarten this week and she is filled with so much promise.
 
Life is so good. My heart fills with pride when I see my happy grandchildren thriving and safe. Being raised by loving parents. Being better parents than I was while preparing the next generation of our Legacy of Love.
 
I am the oldest in my generation, so that makes me the Matriarch of this family tree. We have destroyed some branches that were not serving us well. We have had things crop up as life will do you. But when the chips are down, we huddle together in love, we pray, we pitch in wherever needed and we overcome together.
 
My children probably don’t even realize just how special they are, and I know I am the mother and would say that, but it is true. Anyone that knows any of them can vouch for that.
We have consciously determined to be love and positive energy in this world. How beautiful that I can say that about all of my children and grandchildren.
 
We are not perfect but we are love and loving. We don’t tolerate any negativity or malicious gossip when we get together. We keep it real because we have learned that lies and secrets kill.
I wonder do they remember that when they would speak ill of one another I would have us sit in a circle and say something nice about everybody in that circle.
 
I am just being reflective of how blessed we are as a family.
I am trying to be the best me so that they can be proud of me too.
I was not the best mom or grandmom but I always tell the truth and I accept everybody exactly the way they are. Giving them the freedom to express themselves.
mozayik