Undo to Heal

Therapy was really good yesterday, my understanding of abandonment has grown. Children will seek approval of their parents even if the parent was abusive. It is just the nature of childhood.

I was abandoned by my mother at six and suffered severe neglect and rape.

I have been recreating the scenario of abandonment over and over subconsciously hoping for a different outcome. Hoping she would finally show up and give the unconditional love I deserved. I have been choosing partners just like my mother.  Ones that would leave or abuse.  My core belief has been that people will leave you, people will hurt you and not have any conscious about it.

It was always my fault that she is a bad person. My mother never admitted to what happened to me. I was a liar, a bad seed. It was not that bad, even though I was home alone, dirty and had no clean clothes or nothing to eat. My uncle had to break a window to get me out of the roach-infested apartment. I don’t know where my mother was.

My aunt had to scrub the dirt off my body.

This was a very hard truth to accept. My mother is dead and I wanted her to stay dead. But if I truly want to heal, at last, I had to look at her and what happened to me on her watch. I have long ago forgiven her.  I loved my mother. but that did not erase what happened and how it affected me.

The undo had to happen.

I understand now that until the pain of abandonment, neglect, and abuse are processed and the root of bitterness is excavated I will keep seeking approval from the abuser. I am grateful for all of my experiences. I look for the silver lining in every situation. I want my pain to serve a purpose. I need my pain to be the catalyst for someone else’s healing. I don’t want my living to be in vain, so I share this journey in hopes that others won’t wait until 50 to heal. I pray that healing comes soon and swiftly for all that are hurting.

I am calling this the season of my next level healing. I could be embarrassed about doing this healing process at 58. I choose instead to appreciate that at least I got it and I am literally destroying the trauma cycle for my entire family for generations to come. The work I do in therapy may not be appreciated by my children or grandchildren and that is okay. God knows the sacrifice. God knows my heart that wants to protect them 

It is all starting to make sense to me now. Therapy has helped explain why I have been doing the same thing over and over even until my detriment. Our subconscious mind is so powerful that we do things mindlessly. We are unaware until we have the courage to face the truth about ourselves and those that have hurt us we will not heal. 

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp♥️

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a safe place for healing 

Therapy provided the safe space to wail, moan, sling snot, curse, get fucking angry, say shit out loud that I should not dare to say anywhere else, shit that if I did they would lock me up,  therapy gave me permission to place the blame where it belonged, you don’t have to forgive to heal, hell my healing was dependent on changing me not forgiving someone else, I had to grow up, I had to mother myself, I took care of the little abandoned girl, I told her I loved her and that I would not let another motherfu*cker hurt her ever again, I protected her while she cried, I believed her when she said that man hurt her, I told her it was okay to feel sad about it, anyone would be fu*king mad about it, kill that mfer in your head and heart by giving yourself a fresh start by plugging the holes in your soul with self-love, girl go talk to somebody and let it out, happiness is on the other side, please have no doubt, girl get you some help

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

pray don’t worry “compartmentalize”

I pray so I don’t have to worry.

At 50 years old I learned in therapy  the tools needed to cope. I essentially grew up. My family of origin was dysfunctional, so I was not aware of the pathology in my thinking that showed up in my behavior.

Therapy for me was  examining behaviors that don’t serve me well, like catastrophizing. The understanding of why I do something helped me love myself unconditionally. I then had the confidence that I could  reprogram and resetting my default to healthy thinking which fueled the change in how I respond to life’s challenges.
We say knowledge is power but it can only be powerful when we use what we have learned to change.
I had been known to freak out. To not be able to handle stress was my legacy. My family would deliberately keep things from me. They felt they had to protect me or I would collapse under the pressure.
After therapy I use the tool my therapist and I  practiced, “compartmentalizing”.
It is inline with my now favorite motto or chant.

If you are going to pray, don’t worry and if you are going to worry don’t pray.

I had a situation come up yesterday that in the past would have sent me reeling straight into anger and then depression and the cycle would start. Depression, pain, and anger from feeling out control.

That is FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

The truth is we have a choice to make moment to moment. We cant be happy and sad at the same exact moment. The brain does not work that way. And thank God because we would loose our choice or ability to be the miraculous human beings we are.

Our mindset is a choice. Our power lies in the fact we can create. We can think a thing, speak the thing and manifest a thing. It really is that simple.
I have changed. When things crop up and I don’t have the resources to solve the problem I am okay with allowing God to lead me to the solution.

Yesterday, I prayed and enjoyed the rest of my evening because there was nothing I could do about it at the time.  I have learned to be present in the moment by compartmentalizing. I slept well last night.  When I  rose I went about  my usual morning rituals. When I sat down and I allowed myself to think about it again, the problem was not as bad as I had initially thought.

No matter what I know I can trust God so I pray.  Praying is giving it to God. But I don’t take it back by worrying about it. Breathing a sigh of relief, and smiling from the reassurance that it will all work out because I am in Gods will. Being happy moment to moment is the choice I make . Being present and Being grateful are the main keys to my happiness.

I am happy because I am grateful.

Catastrophizing

How to compartmentalize.

Beautiful Misery

This is a picture of  the year I turned 50, got serious about therapy for the neglect, abandonment and childhood sexual abuse/rape at 5 years old. The year I decided to  quit smoking, lost 60 lbs, and went back to school.
I was miserable and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had no direction and really did not know who I was.
This was before the breast reduction that decreased my pain by at least 50% and before I realized I did not need anyone to validate me.

Trusting Self First

I have learned to trust myself. This is huge for someone that has experienced trauma especially as a child under the age of six. These children have been programed to believe that not one person cares enough to protect or save them. It takes a lot of therapy and rewiring the brain to have happy positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you be the default.

It did get worse before it got better. But the other side of the middle passage of pain is beautiful.

I listened to Brene Brown’s “The Anatomy of Trust” and it confirmed for me that I am healed enough to be true to my intuition, gut feeling or voice of God. Whatever you call knowing what is right for you, I trust that more than I trust people. As long as I stay in the will of God I trust everything will be alright.

https://youtu.be/ewngFnXcqao

Triggered, but my soul reminded me, I am Queen. “I am the soul’s poet.”

This is why I am the souls’ poet. I thought my computer was broken because I dropped it on the floor and it was giving me an error message to call Dell. I started freaking out because I was already stressing about having so much to do but still having a lot of pain. I began to cry and want to go home to St. Louis. I questioned myself about why I am here in Phoenix.
Pain is my biggest trigger. Pain leaves me feeling defeated. It makes me want to fight. That is what I am, at my core I am a fighter.
Maybe the Universe wants me to allow and surrender instead of fighting.
I have found ways to manage my pain and thought the days of tears from pain were over.  I would say however, that about 80% of my chronic pain is gone due to lifestyle changes I have made that included therapy, quitting smoking 7 years ago, losing weight, moving to a warmer climate and becoming more active.
I have been able to function without any pain medication for months but the training for my work at home job left me depleted and after going home to bury my mother in September my pain has increased.  I have been slowly getting back to myself.  Maybe I just need to be still for a while.
I am going to go see a pain specialist for the remaining pain in my neck, shoulder, upper back, my arm, hand, wrist and fingers. This doctor does not automatically write a prescription but treats the specific area first before prescribing a pill. Chronic pain wears on you like an obnoxious noise that becomes too much to bear, leaving you with a feeling of needing to escape. This feeling of needing to flee is the trigger.
Thank God for therapy and I know that “This is now and not then.” I guess I will always have to deal with triggers but now after therapy I have knowledge and I have tools to get back to feeling safe again.
 
To say I was feeling like giving up is putting it mildly, I felt devastated. I was worrying about how I was going to get my business up and running. All I think about lately is GirlGetYouSomeHelp.com. Now that I have a launch date I feel the pressure of being productive everyday.
 
I sat down and prayed, turned on the computer and it was working properly.
My soul reminded me of who I be. These words came out of me like water. I promise you that my soul wrote this to let me know just how powerful I am. I don’t have to stress or freak out because something feels a certain way. I am not my feelings. God is still in control.

Shine
I have been made in the fire,
laid out in the sun to become ashes
that fall upon my body and burn away the pain,
I know if I make through this,
after what I already made it through
a 100 facet diamond will have nothing on my glow,
my shine so bright that all night flees in the wake of me,
the powerful one able to look at the sun,
the one that gives life from the womb,
the one who holds up the moon and shoots stars around mars and can be the diamond that all diamonds aspire to be,
you cant see me because I be in your soul,
want to find me,
you want to be a kind like me,
but you will never be
because it is only your own shine
that will nurture you soul and make you whole.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

11.15.17

The truth is…..

Honestly, almost all of my relationships have been abusive in some way, even my relationships with women. But the scary part is, I did not know it at times.
One day over 25 years ago, while in the midst of a deep depression that had left me unable to function I called the crisis hotline. I wanted to die to alleviate the emotional pain that had become unbearable. Suicide is more about wanting to stop the pain.
The woman on the phone asked me a series of questions, after which she said, “Yvette you are in an abusive relationship.” She said, “Although your husband is not hitting you he is emotionally and financially abusive.”
She gave me some resources for counseling. That is where my healing journey began.
It took many years of stopping and starting therapy before finally making a commitment to see what the end could be. I chose to Love me more than I had been trying to love the people in my life. It has been seven years. I have received a phenomenal return on my investment.
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

Everyday I fight

This positive attitude is sometimes the result of an excruciating battle with P.T.S.D and Fibromyalgia.  I worked hard in therapy learning new coping skills like tapping and visualization.  Breathing awareness is essential but also grounding myself in the here and now is my goal after something triggers me.

Sometimes I am aware of it and sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks catching me off guard. On guard is the natural state for someone with P.T.S.D. I may see it coming and can prepare myself and map out a plan by choosing tools to use beforehand.

I pray. I use deep breathing and create mantras to repeat in my head to keep me grounded.  After the triggering event I may or may not have to decompress the emotions that may still exist in my body. The point I am making is “IT IS WORK” it is a daily fight.

Because of therapy I can cope with the effects of being a survivor of rape at the age of five.  Effects like, always being aware of my surroundings, having to bring myself back to the here and now and the sleepless nights because your brain is wired to stay awake and alert all night to stay safe for the last 45 years. I know it will take years to undo not only psychological effects but also the physiological effects as well.

It is a fight everyday of self-examination and reflection to identify and rectify where this shit shows up. It is getting better and somewhat easier but I haven’t got there yet. Now, after therapy I am closer to having the past be just a memory with little feeling or emotion attached to it. It is not ever like none of it happened.   In my soul I am really grateful for all of my experiences.  I am always hopeful that my sharing helps.

It is kind of like a broken arm. Surgery may be required to repair it and will result in a scar as a reminder that it happened. It may hurt like hell for months and then after healing it may develop arthritis in that area of your arm and every time the weather changes you are reminded of the event that caused the broken arm.

So, yeah I am healed but healing does not remove the scar. Healing means although the scar is there the pain is not as intense.  Like the arm I know when to protect myself from the elements that may cause a set back. Awareness  that I may still be a little fragile will go a long way.

I believe I have fibromyalgia because of what happened to me as a child.  I will explain my theory in another post. I have dealt with depression all of my life and P.T.S.D had left a legacy of pain in my life until I committed to healing. It has also led me to my Purpose.

Every day I deal with all of these conditions that feed on each other.

Mornings and evenings are the worst.  I wake with physical pain every morning.  Each morning is different when it comes to my pain level.

It takes me at the minimum 2 hours to get myself to a place where the pain is not forcing me back to bed.  That can include taking pain pills, muscle relaxers and fixing breakfast with hands hurting so badly that opening a drawer, cutting my eggs, or washing a skillet may leave me in tears or at the least holding back the “ouches” that want to escape my soul.  Every day I fight to overcome this and get something accomplished (this day).

It is a vicious cycle that is never-ending.  I can’t sleep because P.T.S.D and some event may have triggered me. The healing part is that I am aware. I know what to do to get back to a place of peace, but, IT TAKES WORK.  It is not effortless.  I imagine one day it will be but today is not that day.

I am a conqueror because I overcome many times throughout the day.  That is why I strive for happiness moment to moment.  It might appear that I am in La La land. I am just living in the moment.

So, no sleep from P.T.S.D will mean when I do wake up after taking something to force the hand of sleep, I have more pain which can lead to depression if I don’t fight.  Some days all I want to do is lay back down and go to sleep but I know that comes with a price so I have to push past pain.

Every day the task is to assess how much energy is available and decide where it will be spent.

I am no longer just a survivor.  I am a conqueror. A victim says “why me?” a survivor say “whew, I made it out”, a Conqueror says “God use me to help make other lives better.”

We all have choices and we all have our tailored made cross to balance the mountains and valleys that will prepare us for our Purpose.

Is Pain really Fear leaving your body?

 

  • fear

    you have no power over me.

    you’ve held me captive much too long

    you were my master and i your slave

    you even tried to take me to my grave

    the scales have fallen off my eyes

    perfect love found me

    now i know you are just a wanna be

    in the presence of love you flee

    i have power over you

    love has destroyed every yoke

    victory is mine i am free

    i have power over fear

     

  • My first reaction was to say there is no way I am that damn afraid. But when I think about all that I have accomplished since I decided to not let pain win I have to stop and see if there might be some truth in that.
    I realized I was going to hurt whether I lay in bed, cry and continue on with the vicious cycle of depression because I have pain 24/7 or I could get out of bed and keep moving.
    People around me try to get me to be still and say I am doing too much, but they don’t understand that when I be still I am focused on the pain but movement allows me to transcend the pain. It never goes away. I just have days that are better than others.

    There may be some truth to pain is fear leaving. All of 2012 I have been in therapy dealing with the fear of PAIN. I was living with the fear of psychological and physical pain. My quality of life was affected because I feared doing anything that would result in me being in unbearable pain.

    I was afraid to allow the memories and flashbacks to surface because I thought I could not endure the overwhelming feelings of shame and heartbreak. Along with the memories my body would hurt in direct proportion to area of my body that was being harmed in my memory. I actually felt a release of painful energy. I felt lighter more free, less afraid.

    I know beyond a shadow of doubt that one of the biggest reasons I have Fibromyalgia is because my flight or fight response is stuck to ON. That means I have been living in a state of tension/terror all my life and this has caused me to tense all my muscles and now I am telling my muscles to relax and that is not my natural state. I do not know how to relax. Therein lies my problem. Even my brain has been wired abnormally but that is being changed every time I get out of bed and “Keep it Moving”