A letter to survivors
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
A letter to survivors
A necessary post. Sending gentle hugs to all those strong enough to ask for help.
I know I have healed because I can remember the many great things I had as a child. I now have fond memories and they now cover up the bad memories. The good memories bring me joy, cause me to break out and smile while bringing happy tears to my eyes. A walk down memory lane is now filled with gratefulness. I don’t hesitate to walk down memory lane. It is a pleasant welcome experience. That is freedom.
I was raised by two great women my grandmother Mamie and my great grandmother Bertha. Cara my aunt also shared in raising. Tragically, I never saw them in a healthy relationship with men. However, I never heard them be mean to anyone. I did not overhear them plotting about revenge.
I saw them work together to accomplish goals like being homeowners. I saw them share with friends, family, and neighbors.
Healing has allowed me to see the glorious upbringing these women gave me. I am who I am because of them. I am kind-hearted because they were kind-hearted. I have a passion for helping people just like they taught me to be. I believe in order and setting boundaries like they taught me.
They also taught me to fight back, stand on my own two feet and don’t take no shit off nobody. Just as they taught me to pray and trust God. They also taught me to be ready to protect myself. I really saw no fear in them at all.
One man got rowdy with my grandmother when I was about eight or nine and she got her gun and run his ass out of the house. We never saw or heard from him again. I saw them have male friends but no live-in man. A man did not ever spend the night.
They worked and provided for themselves. I started working at eleven cleaning offices with my grandmother. They taught me by example and word that “If you don’t work, you don’t eat”.
They poured so much love into me. My great grandmother would hold me and rock me in her rocking chair while reading the bible to me. This has to be my fondest memory of her. I thank God that I can carry these memories with me in my heart every day. There is no more rain in this cloud. I found the silver lining. All the hard work has been worth it. #Healed
you are a survivor girl
stand up and be strong
you’ve made it
through storms of hard times
you’ve seen bad marriages
the letdowns of dreams
but you’re still here
so it seems you can’t make it
seems you can’t see your way
but you’ve made it this far girlfriend
you survived, through it all till this day
go ahead on and be strong.
you’re a survivor because
you’ve hung in there this long.
gone girl with your bad self
only you know what you can do.
just try it.
just believe in your self.
don’t wait for somebody
to tell you that you can make it through.
you know what you’ve got to do
reach deep down inside yourself and
pull out what has been there for so long
stand up and be strong.
girl whatever it took
to make it through a bad marriage
to a drug addict and wife beater
whatever it took to make it
through abuse and rejection
whatever it took when
you were put down
lied to and talked about
but you made it through
you held your head up high
and you kept on going
girl, you can do it
all you gotta do is
stand up and be strong
believe in your self
you are a survivor girl
go ahead on
I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.
I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.
I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”
Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”
I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.
It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.
I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.
I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.
Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.
I will celebrate 7 years of intentionally preparing myself to serve God by walking in my purpose. God has already shown me the vision so I don’t need anyone else to agree.
The gift I used to help heal my own soul will now be used to inspire healing in other souls.
Women opened up and showed me their vulnerabilities by telling me their story. The told and then showed me how to be authentic. They taught me how to allow my words to match up with walk. They helped me take my soul to the next level of healing. If I am obedient as they have been there will souls like me that say, “Hey, If she did it, I can too.” The only difference between me and you SisStar is I made a commitment to heal at all cost. I wanted to see what the end was going to be and when I was ready the universe brought this student her teacher. I promise you the other side is beautiful. I promise. You will however, have to travel through hell to get to the other side but “Girl Get You Some Help.” Let’s do this. Each one of us can heal and change the destiny for our families forever. We have to help heal each other or we are doomed to repeat the same crap over and over. That is what a curse is, or as Iyanla would say, that is the pathology that keeps repeating in our seed.
I am not perfect. I am grateful for my imperfections. My wings are golden and I shine because other women helped me by telling their stories.
I am telling mine now. I am striving to always be the best me I can possibly be. Give your SisStar a break, give her a hug. Let her know, Sis I have not always had it all together. Let me love you through your lessons. You are beautiful and your beauty will be groomed in your struggle but I am here to remind you that you are my SisStar. Let my life be a candle to you. Letting you know that you can let yourself off the hook for things you did not even have knowledge of back then. It is called hind sight for a reason SisStar. I had to live and learn just like you. I am not trying to tell you how to heal. I just want you to trust the process so you can be whole and complete. I love you Girl. Get you some help. We are all a work in progress. Give yourself some compassion.
I have learned to trust myself. This is huge for someone that has experienced trauma especially as a child under the age of six. These children have been programed to believe that not one person cares enough to protect or save them. It takes a lot of therapy and rewiring the brain to have happy positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you be the default.
It did get worse before it got better. But the other side of the middle passage of pain is beautiful.
I listened to Brene Brown’s “The Anatomy of Trust” and it confirmed for me that I am healed enough to be true to my intuition, gut feeling or voice of God. Whatever you call knowing what is right for you, I trust that more than I trust people. As long as I stay in the will of God I trust everything will be alright.
It is time to tell the truth. As a man, a father and a husband you failed all of us. As your wife you mistreated me, devalued me and abused me physically, financially and psychologically. As your wife I laid down my life and entire body for your pleasure and happiness. I literally gave you my soul trying to get you to give me what I rightfully deserved because I was your wife. the minute you realized that I was waking up to your mistreatment you went into over drive to destroy me.
You vowed to honor, cherish and protect me and you did none of these things.
During my time living with you I was made to feel dispensable. I gave you children by actually abusing my body with injections from hormones and going under the knife of three surgeries. I poured everything of me into you, the children, the home and the community. When I became aware of your abuse and started down the path to healing you refused to do what was needed to save our family.
But I get all the blame and you get all the glory.
When my children put you on a pedestal I am continually traumatized because I want to scream to the top of my voice that this man did everything within his power to destroy and cast me aside as if I was of no value.
Mr. man the father of my children your children should know what you have deliberately done to their mother.
On mother’s day I don’t get cards or presents declaring their love for me at least not until recently that one of our sons took me to lunch and the other promised dinner that I have yet to receive.
You did not teach them to honor me but I taught them to honor you. Those Father’s day cards they gave you growing up were bought with my money when I took them to the store and told them to buy.
It is time to finally tell my truth about you. During our marriage you were despicable in your behavior towards me. I did not deserve what you did to me. You called me a stupid bitch even before we were married and you treated me like a stupid bitch the entire marriage. You need to take ownership for the way you treated the woman that risked her live to give you children.
I was a great wife and mother and yes I said great. I was the reason your children were healthy, smart and protected. I kept your house clean, I cooked from scratch three hot meals everyday. All you had to do was go to work and come home.
I did all that I could to make you happy but you still mistreated me. On mothers day you would not even tell me happy mothers day and that still hurts to this day. My needs were never a priority. I gave you my blood and you threw it back in my face. My oldest child would say to me “Mama why do you bend over backwards to please him when he treats you like shit?” That is when I knew I had to leave you. I did not want her to think that this is how relationships should be. My youngest child stood in front of us both and asked you, “Daddy why do you talk to mama like you talk to us?” in other words a five year old child could see that your treatment of me was abusive. I was not treated as an equal partner with value. You treated me as if I was in the way. I asked you for a divorce and you told me no because you were waiting until the children were 18 and then you were going to divorce me.
I need the truth to be told about your character as a man. I begged you to go to counseling or to a minister so we could talk about saving our marriage, our family but you adamantly refused. I told you I was unhappy and you told me that was not your problem. You always had this tremendous animosity towards me as if I had somehow single-handedly destroyed your life. You did not own your shity ways. You set it up so that you got all the credit and I all the blame.
You plotted against me with your lawyer to destroy me “the mother of your children”. I deserved honor. I deserved respect. I needed protecting but you cast me away like old shoes that had become uncomfortable and unsightly.
During the marriage I admit that some of my behavior was confusing but I needed help not judgment and criticism. I remember lying in bed trying to explain to you that I was having flash backs and memories of my childhood sexual abuse. Your response was I don’t want to hear that I am not your therapist. I could fill a book with the disrespecting and demeaning comments you made to me.
I know now that because of the many traumas I suffered in my life I have PTSD and I was being constantly triggered by your abusive behavior and that resulted in my chronic suicidal depression. I needed help.
Even after all I sacrificed for you, all that I gave to you I was the enemy.
Because you could not control me for your purposes I became something you needed to get rid of as soon as you had used me for your agenda.
You promised to honor me, to cherish me and to protect me until death separated us. I did everything within my power to stay with you until I realized that you had no concern for my well being. You just wanted me gone and were not willing to compromise or work on the marriage.
YOU FAILED ALL OF US. If being the head is what you wanted you failed your family miserably. You took my children and then didn’t do right by them. You worked second shift everyday. They spent weekends with me. You would not answer your phone during the day. While the children were at school you were unavailable. I was the parent the school called. I was the parent that attended the open houses and Parent/Teacher meetings.
You may have provided a roof over their heads but you did not really put any time in raising them and teaching the values they needed to be better off than their parents.
You told them lies to manipulate them and trick them out of opportunities that I worked hard to provide for them. I moved into one of the top school districts in the country. They fall number 30 in the entire country. They were enrolled, had their classes and id’s and would not let them attend. I had deliberately worked hard to get a home big enough for them to live with me during the week and stay with you on the weekends. I told you I did not want any money. My husband and I at the time did not need your money. You lied on me to them so they would not go to school from my house. You essentially robbed them of a brighter future.
Your only concern has been how much money would come out of your pocket not your children’s well being. You made it appear that I left you and the kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. You and your lawyer plotted and manipulated me out of the house. You threatened to quit your job, leave town and burn the house down before you would give me your house or your children. You were calling my phone and playing the funeral march to scare me out of the house.
The judge ordered you to pay all the bills in the house where your children and I lived so that I could save my money to move out. You stopped paying and things started to get cut off. He told you to co-sign for me to get an apartment because of being a stay at home mom and not having any rental history. You refused to obey and that resulted in me living next door to a crack house. You did not protect the mother of your children.
You made sure I felt like a stupid bitch.
So yeah, should you be honored? Were you really a good father? Hell NO.
I am done with protecting the children from the truth of who their father is. I have talked positively about you always but you did not deserve it. The truth is you abused their mother. You did not protect their mother. You never honored what their mother did so that you or them could be happy.
You victimized their mother, forced her out to fend for herself. You vilified their mother to them. To the world you wanted it to appear that I was the problem, when the whole time behind closed doors you were a complete and utter asshole.
You frequently told me that if I did not like the ways things were that I should leave and you could do it by yourself. Stupid man that you are you thought you were gaining the upper hand when all along you were just still continuing the abuse of their mother.
I don’t ever remember you taking the children to store or getting a box of crayons to make a card for their mother on mother’s day but I still made sure they honored you. Not because you deserved it but because I wanted to teach them how to treat people.
You are the stupid one for throwing their mother away. You are the stupid one for not being grateful to a woman that gave you children and grandchildren.
Yes I had mental illness. But that makes you look even worse. You refused to refinance the car so I could afford it and when it got repossessed you went after me.
How did I become the enemy? I gave you everything you wanted at the risk of my own life but you could see me out in the street? You did not give a fuck about a woman that gave you everything. Those grandchildren you dote over are because I gave you children.
I tried and I begged you to try to keep our family together.
I will not be saying positive things about your anymore. I am not being malicious. I am just telling the truth about who you are.
You are an ungrateful, misogynistic, abusive human being. You are selfish. You are and was arrogant to think you could do it all by yourself. But I have one question. Who is the mother of your children? Did you do right by her? Did you value her contribution to the family? Did you show your children in word and deed how to treat their mother?
Before Therapy, I gave away my power because I did not value myself. I thought I deserved mistreatment. I constantly sought approval from those that did not deserve me.
After Therapy, I stand up for myself. I don’t allow anyone to mistreat me. I set clear boundaries and have the strength and value of self to enforce them. #therapyworks
Healing is a process and it is not pretty but the end result is always beautiful. My grand mother taught me to always look for the silver lining in every cloud and you will find one. It is absolutely true that if you embrace the valleys the mountaintops will be more amazing. I am triumphant. My tragedies are what my soul chose so that my purpose is fulfilled. Happy for me is staying in the moment. I worked hard in therapy to be free. Everyday I see the change in how I perceive the world. My filter most times than not are of love and compassion. The victim filter doesn’t serve me well anymore. I am more comfortable feeling like I am an over comer. I more than survived, I am thriving in my newfound value of self. Worthy and deserving are words that describe my filters now. Everything I have gone through in life has taught me compassion for myself and others. It is easier to see the value in others because I value myself.
Until I began therapy and parented the abused, neglected and abandoned little girl in me I was stuck playing victim. It was truly the only role I knew how to play. The only coping skills I actually had were the ones I had when I was raped at five. I would hear people say to me all the time, “stop playing the victim”. Until I worked hard to process those feelings and to unlearn bad coping skills I was doomed to behaving immaturely.
After therapy I have an understanding of self that empowers me to change.