Healing Brings Good Memories

I know I have healed because I can remember the many great things I had as a child. I now have fond memories and they now cover up the bad memories. The good memories bring me joy, cause me to break out and smile while bringing happy tears to my eyes. A walk down memory lane is now filled with gratefulness. I don’t hesitate to walk down memory lane. It is a pleasant welcome experience. That is freedom.

I was raised by two great women my grandmother Mamie and my great grandmother Bertha. Cara my aunt also shared in raising. Tragically, I never saw them in a healthy relationship with men. However, I never heard them be mean to anyone. I did not overhear them plotting about revenge.
I saw them work together to accomplish goals like being homeowners. I saw them share with friends, family, and neighbors.

Healing has allowed me to see the glorious upbringing these women gave me. I am who I am because of them. I am kind-hearted because they were kind-hearted. I have a passion for helping people just like they taught me to be. I believe in order and setting boundaries like they taught me.
They also taught me to fight back, stand on my own two feet and don’t take no shit off nobody. Just as they taught me to pray and trust God. They also taught me to be ready to protect myself. I really saw no fear in them at all.

One man got rowdy with my grandmother when I was about eight or nine and she got her gun and run his ass out of the house. We never saw or heard from him again. I saw them have male friends but no live-in man. A man did not ever spend the night.
They worked and provided for themselves. I started working at eleven cleaning offices with my grandmother. They taught me by example and word that “If you don’t work, you don’t eat”.

They poured so much love into me. My great grandmother would hold me and rock me in her rocking chair while reading the bible to me. This has to be my fondest memory of her. I thank God that I can carry these memories with me in my heart every day. There is no more rain in this cloud. I found the silver lining. All the hard work has been worth it. #Healed

survivor (when my own soul encouraged me)

you are a survivor girl
stand up and be strong
you’ve made it
through storms of  hard times

you’ve seen bad marriages
the letdowns of dreams
but you’re still here

so it seems you can’t make it
seems you can’t see your way
but you’ve made it this far girlfriend
you survived, through it all till this day

go ahead on and be strong.
you’re a survivor because
you’ve hung in there this long.

gone girl with your bad self
only you know what you can do.

just try it.
just believe in your self.

don’t wait for somebody
to tell you that you can make it through.
you know what you’ve got to do

reach deep down inside yourself and
pull out what has been there for so long
stand up and be strong.

girl whatever it took
to make it through a bad marriage
to a drug addict and wife beater

whatever it took to make it
through abuse and rejection

whatever it took when
you were put down

lied to and talked about

but you made it through
you held your head up high
and you kept on going

girl, you can do it
all you gotta do is
stand up and be strong

believe in your self

you are a survivor girl

go ahead on

Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

Next Level Soul Healing

2018 is the year of Reaping all of the hard work I have put in to be better.

I will celebrate 7 years of intentionally preparing myself to serve God by walking in my purpose. God has already shown me the vision so I don’t need anyone else to agree.

The gift I used to help heal my own soul will now be used to inspire healing in other souls.

Women opened up and showed me their vulnerabilities by telling me their story. The told and then showed me how to be authentic. They taught me how to allow my words to match up with walk. They helped me take my soul to the next level of healing. If I am obedient as they have been there will souls like me that say, “Hey, If she did it, I can too.” The only difference between me and you SisStar is I made a commitment to heal at all cost. I wanted to see what the end was going to be and when I was ready the universe brought this student her teacher. I promise you the other side is beautiful. I promise. You will however, have to travel through hell to get to the other side but “Girl Get You Some Help.” Let’s do this. Each one of us can heal and change the destiny for our families forever. We have to help heal each other or we are doomed to repeat the same crap over and over. That is what a curse is, or as Iyanla would say, that is the pathology that keeps repeating in our seed.

I am not perfect. I am grateful for my imperfections. My wings are golden and I shine because other women helped me by telling their stories.

I am telling mine now. I am striving to always be the best me I can possibly be. Give your SisStar a break, give her a hug. Let her know, Sis I have not always had it all together. Let me love you through your lessons. You are beautiful and your beauty will be groomed in your struggle but I am here to remind you that you are my SisStar. Let my life be a candle to you. Letting you know that you can let yourself off the hook for things you did not even have knowledge of back then. It is called hind sight for a reason SisStar. I had to live and learn just like you. I am not trying to tell you how to heal. I just want you to trust the process so you can be whole and complete. I love you Girl. Get you some help. We are all a work in progress. Give yourself some compassion.

Trusting Self First

I have learned to trust myself. This is huge for someone that has experienced trauma especially as a child under the age of six. These children have been programed to believe that not one person cares enough to protect or save them. It takes a lot of therapy and rewiring the brain to have happy positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you be the default.

It did get worse before it got better. But the other side of the middle passage of pain is beautiful.

I listened to Brene Brown’s “The Anatomy of Trust” and it confirmed for me that I am healed enough to be true to my intuition, gut feeling or voice of God. Whatever you call knowing what is right for you, I trust that more than I trust people. As long as I stay in the will of God I trust everything will be alright.

https://youtu.be/ewngFnXcqao

I approve of me

Before Therapy, I gave away my power because I did not value myself. I thought I deserved mistreatment. I constantly sought approval from those that did not deserve me.

After Therapy, I stand up for myself. I don’t allow anyone to mistreat me. I set clear boundaries and have the strength and value of self to enforce them. #therapyworks

I grew up at 50 in Therapy.

Until I began therapy and parented the abused, neglected and abandoned little girl in me I was stuck playing victim.  It was truly the only role I knew how to play.  The only coping skills I actually had were the ones I had when I was raped at five.  I would hear people say to me all the time, “stop playing the victim”.  Until I worked hard to process those feelings and to unlearn bad coping skills I was doomed to behaving immaturely.

After therapy I have an understanding of self that empowers me to change.

What is the Evidence?

One therapy-tool that I use frequently is asking myself a simple question. “What is the evidence to support the thought?”
If I am dwelling on an imaged wrong it can be put to rest with a simple, “what is the evidence of that?”
In the past my abusers had a way of turning things around to make it appear that I was the one with the problem. Not anymore. I see right through the BS much quicker now.
#therapyworks #girlgetyousomehelp

Group Therapy

it is, has been and always will be the words that save us,

all of us,

any of us can be affected

by words we speak and the ones spoken to us

I love them so much

with out the words we would not be able to create new realities for ourselves

all of us are essentially the sum total of words we have thought, spoken, written or heard and seen

 

I heard some words on Sunday that changed my whole perspective

it had a ripple affect

I called my mother and our words helped us heal and reconnect,

but that phone call was the result of many words

along this journey to healing

words have taught me about myself and the world around me

words have shown me where the pathology is rooted

words have given me solutions and testimonies of others

words have inspired courage to continue working on healing

even when the words were to traumatizing to be spoken

except in the heart and mind

 

words have been gleaned from my sisters

the ones that have chosen to share this part of our journey together

we have spoken the words that have healed and supported

our words have been used to say “I feel you sister”

sometimes those words were spoken with a nod of the head

or a look in the eyes with tears as the only evidence of words

that say, I understand

 

I will miss my sisters, we have changed together right here in this room

thank you for using your words to help me grow, heal and know I am never alone

there are women who really understand my pain and that heals us all on a lot of levels

let us please continue to use our word to heal

I have been in group therapy since January for childhood sexual abuse.  We have only a couple of weeks left.  It has been nothing less than grueling WORK.  I am blessed to be a part of a group of women sincerely dedicated to healing and moving on to inspire others to heal.

I will miss us and the place we shared the deepest parts of ourselves that had been buried.  I am grateful for the safe place at the YWCA Women’s Resource Center.  I cant find the words to express my appreciation for the support and guidance received at the center not just from my individual therapist but also for my group therapy facilitator.  The biggest contribution to my personal healing though, are the women who were brave and courageous enough to share their words with me through telling their painful  stories and their deliberate commitment to healing.

It has been worth it, we are better.  We did it and it is one of the most loving things we have done for ourselves and those that are watching and cheering us on so they can believe in the trans-formative power of Understanding self.

It is healing time

I have taken the time to be still.  In the silence I commune with God.  My love for self-motivates me to take my healing to the next level.  I am not afraid.  I have lived all these years in a prison of fear and now that I have an opportunity to be free, I am going to choose Love.  I am reminded of the words from that old gospel song “I have come to far from where I started from.  Nobody told me that the road would be easy, but I don’t believe “She” brought me this far to leave me.”
I have worked hard and it really is showing.  I hear it from those that know and love me that they see a definite change for the better in how I show up in the world now.  I feel better.  My therapist has helped me navigate through things I thought I would never be able to do, but I did.  I will make it through to the other side.

“healing time”
my soul may be a little weary
my eyes are tired of crying
i still know i have what it takes to keep on fighting
when i look to the left
or even on my right
it appears it is just me
but i feel the presence of my ancestors
telling me
weep in the night
but don’t give up
trust
the law says
you will have a season of reaping
what has been sown
now it is the season for healing
be still
until
you have grown
“whatever it takes to make it, I am going all the way, I may be down sometimes, but I won’t be down always”  

mozayik “the souls’ poet”