I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.
That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.
My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.
With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.
Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.
I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.
I am enough for me.
She asked, “Don’t you think you are overestimating your influence when it comes to domestic violence. How can you be seen as credible?”
This comment gave me insight into how a Narrcist operates.
I said, “No. I keep it real and tell the truth about this insidious sickness in our society. I was called to live out loud so other women (especially African American lesbians) can have a relatable example.
Women need to know what healing really is about. Healing is messy and it is not linear. We will have times in our lives when it seems we can’t get it together but I am here to say, “Even if you take 10 steps back it does not mean you can’t move forward, learn from it and get better.”
I have to be authentic. Or else I have no voice or influence. Domestic Violence Awareness means we have to tell our TRUE stories.
A truth that most don’t want to look at or have not considered si that the offender and the victim both need healing. Until we recognize and embrace that FACT we will continue the cycle of Abuse.
God loves us all. God wants all to be healed. We all have access to the unlimited supply of healing. Until we embrace supporting ALL through healing. WE WILL NOT HEAL.
I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.
I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.
I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”
Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”
I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.
It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.
I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.
I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.
Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.
Stopping the violence against women starts with telling the truth. I was ashamed and embarrassed to be going through this again but giving cover to abusers is no longer acceptable. Obviously, I have some more healing to do. Being Empathic can be deadly. I am transparent because that is what I am called to be. How else will women get the truth about what is really going on with us and why we keep doing the same thing over and over. We need to start talking about this very prevalent issue of Domestic violence.
I am so angry and that is a part of healing, but damn, I get double angry that the reason women like me keep choosing the same person over and over is that some A-hole did something to us so bad that it left us broken.
I still want to be a relatable example and the irony of it, is I AM A RELATABLE EXAMPLE. I am okay with that. Whatever is necessary for all o our healing.
This is my expression of truth in anger while I heal, reprogram my subconscious and continue on my purpose to do exactly what God called me to do. We can be free.
I have seen TOO MANY WOMEN living in fear all of my life. I am going to figure this ish out and help us all to understand and grow.
All of my abusers had this to say about me “That mouth of yours…..”
See, I am not going to allow you to talk to me any kind of way, so when I stand up for myself or try to enforce my boundaries they want to fight me because they can’t control me. But this scenario was familiar to me because of the programming of my subconscious as a child. All of my mother’s relationships were violent. As an infant, I was being wired to feel like this type of exchange between people that love each other is normal.
The part I play in all of it is not paying attention to the red flags or repeating the cycle all codependents go through. The cycle of Rescuer, Victim, and Perpetrator. I moved too fast in some situations and not so fast in others but no matter the circumstances I know now that I was only seeking healing. So here I go on this next therapy journey. I am assured by my therapist that this time healing won’t take as long. I am committed. It is my purpose
#GirlGetSomeHelp #TraumaBondingIsReal #NeverAgain
I’ve fought all of my life
Coming here backward was a glimpse
I was born fighting and born to fight
There have been times when I didn’t want to fight
But because I am fight
Again and again
I have fought for rights
Fought for love
Fought for and with my words
I have fought old people with a challenge to the status quo
Saying we don’t have to do that anymore
I have fought for children that nobody wanted
There has been in fighting
Out fighting with only two of us
kicked down doors with my fight
Been speaking my piece to gain peace with my fight
My fight has won tons of progress
I fight for the ones that don’t have any fight.
they can count on me to fight
I stopped fighting one day
I tried to keep the fight behind closed doors
God called me to fight so I fought again once more
I fought the teacher along with the university,
making them see my invisible disability
I have fought directors, presidents, public officials, doctors, lawyers
Even religious individuals
Shit, I have fought anybody telling me no
Growing up all I saw was fight
Fight to smile
Fight to keep the tears, shed the tears,
hold the tears at bay
save those tears to fuel the fight another day
I am going to keep on fighting
fight is my middle name
by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
Today at 3pm CST I will be interviewed by Marci Baptiste about being a Co-Author sharing my story of wisdom gleaned from living over 57 years ,in her Book ‘The Power of 50.
A lot has happened this year that was on my Vision Board for 2018. Being a published Author will give me more opportunities to not only produce interest in my Book ‘The Souls’ Poetry’, but also allows me to share an experience from my life as an 18 year old mother of three children. I share so that other young women will know they are not alone in their struggles and they can persevere in therapy. I want to show them that it is possible to recover.
I have tried performing, reciting my poetry and even sold t-shirts but my true calling is writing. I will always encourage women to heal. Therapy and God have been the ingredients needed to destroy patterns of abuse in my family.
her heart opens to me
her mind is a wealth of intellect
her strong hands removes all of my pain
her sensitive eyes take my breath away
her smile and laughter fills me up and tickles me
I’m ecstatic just to look at her
listen to her or lay with her
she’s added sweetness to my existence
passion and poetry
pleasure and peace
I am grateful to God for her presence in my life
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”