I thought I had finished my book in 2008. I know, 10 years, right? The first title was “My Healing Journey”. I titled it this because the poems told a story of my healing chronologically. The chapters and themes are the same today in the The Souls’ Poetry.
The early poems spoke in the voice of the victim and then progressed through the many layers of healing. Light, Darkest before Dawn, Anger, Bitterness etc……with Self Love being the super power needed to stay committed to healing. I made huge sacrifices for my healing. At one point I was estranged from my entire family. Healing can be messy and it will uproot anything that is resistant to change.
I believe once a woman has healed she can support other women in their healing. Often times as was in my case, that woman is the only one in her entire family courageous enough to say “Oh No, not on my watch will this pathology continue in my family.” A lot give up because no one around them really understand what she is going through.
It was apparent to me that my soul was speaking through my poetry. I promise you that I don’t know where the name “the souls’ poet” originated. I know exactly how my pen name “moayik” was created. But exactly when I started calling myself “the souls’ poet”. I spell souls’ with an apostrophe s because I am a poet to all souls’. I belong to God and Universe. My soul’s mission is to inspired other soul’s to speak.
Mozayik suited me perfectly. I had started to see my value. I was getting a glimpse of the beauty of healing on my broken soul. I became aware of my soul’s mission and agreement in this lifetime.
My trademark “mozayik” butterfly speaks to the transformation of my soul. All the broken pieces of my soul had beautiful purpose. Each mosaic is unique and has its own story to tell. The pieces are made beautiful and whole again resulting in a masterpiece.
On my journey to healing and wholeness I have written poetry. My soul’s expression is poetry. All of us have our own way of giving voice to our soul. We call it Art. We are called artists. Our artistry is our soul’s expression.
Most of my poetry was penned while tears rolled into puddles formed in the creases in my neck, soaking the pages while the letting of the words took place. I could not stop and wipe my tears. My hand would just write and I really had no idea what I was writing or if any of it made sense because the words manifested release and when the energy to write dissipated so did the energy of the emotion that had lead to the tears.
A weight lifted, I remembered to breath, Enough pain came out to allow me to go on with life. It has been said that pain is fear leaving your body. I am a witness this is a truth.
After some time I would look in my journal at what I had written and see a rhythm and rhyme to the words. The caddance was poetic. Sometimes my mouth would drop open because I could not believe that I had written something so profound. I have written all of my life and have probably read at the very least a thousand books in my lifetime but did not recognize my gift as a writer until my soul started to speak through my poetry in the early 90’s.
It is a long story but the point is, this is my calling. I was born a poet. My poetry is my gift to help facilitate other women’s healing.
Anyway, getting back to the book. I knew it had to be edited before publishing, but everytime I would try to edit it depression would set in and I would head back to therapy. At first I did not see the pattern. It took being diagnosed with PTSD and years of therapy to understand my triggers. Learning how to manage triggers takes practice but it can be done with the tools that work for the individual.
After a lifetime of literally running for my life over and over again I decided something had to change. I have moved 40 times in my lifetime. (book coming) Mostly after being triggered and feeling like I was no longer safe. It was just a feeling. I learned in therapy that I am not my feelings. That was then, this is now.
Therapy was hard and brutal but the self love, contentment and peace gained from doing the work is worth it. I’m happy and that is something I never thought was possible. I am not a therapist but I have done my work in therapy for years. I have had some phenomenal therapists and I have have some not so good. I can offer an example women can relate to, serving as someone that understands what it takes to actually do the work.
My healing became a life or death situation after being involved with abusive partners over and over, that were violent in one way or another. A few times I did even know it was abuse. Just because someone is not hitting you does not mean they are not violent.
I woke up and saw that I was the common denominator. I accepted that people will be who they are and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to change. I am still on the journey to change. Being better than I was yesterday is my ultimate goal.
Everytime I could not get it together I asked God, “What is wrong with me?” There was never anything wrong with me. But it was always about what had happened to me. I was raped at five and the trauma continued my entire life until I decided I could no longer deal with the pain and decided to commit to therapy.
I had to see what the end was going to be. I believe that my healing is a lifelong journey but I wanted to at least get to a place where I could finish my book.
I knew that book was the gift I had to give away. Blogging about therapy and the poems in the book as they related to my therapy allowed me to heal while hopefully being an example that therapy will work if you give it a chance.
Writing has always been my saving grace. Using what I have learned from my experience with therapy and writing is my purpose. This is what I was born to do.
I believe I can assist women with giving voice to their pain. I know I can inspire women to seek therapy. I know I can tell my stories about my experience that will encourage women to hang in there and come through on the other side of darkness. There really is a light in our souls. We all have purpose and this is mine.
The blogging is the book. I see that now. It is all so very clear.
Of course there is still so much of my story to tell. My daughter has been encouraging me to write my memoirs. I will.
The Souls’ Poetry is my true story in poetry. I could elaborate more on the poems and posts, but this is the start. This is what my soul has to say. My pain has been given a voice and that brought healing.
It was a long, tedious and tumultuous journey. I did not give up and I want to support and encourage women to commit to healing. I have found some creative ways to make that happen.
My next post will talk about how the blog became the business.
The book “The Souls’ Poetry” has been the impetus.
I will celebrate 7 years of intentionally preparing myself to serve God by walking in my purpose. God has already shown me the vision so I don’t need anyone else to agree.
The gift I used to help heal my own soul will now be used to inspire healing in other souls.
Women opened up and showed me their vulnerabilities by telling me their story. The told and then showed me how to be authentic. They taught me how to allow my words to match up with walk. They helped me take my soul to the next level of healing. If I am obedient as they have been there will souls like me that say, “Hey, If she did it, I can too.” The only difference between me and you SisStar is I made a commitment to heal at all cost. I wanted to see what the end was going to be and when I was ready the universe brought this student her teacher. I promise you the other side is beautiful. I promise. You will however, have to travel through hell to get to the other side but “Girl Get You Some Help.” Let’s do this. Each one of us can heal and change the destiny for our families forever. We have to help heal each other or we are doomed to repeat the same crap over and over. That is what a curse is, or as Iyanla would say, that is the pathology that keeps repeating in our seed.
I am not perfect. I am grateful for my imperfections. My wings are golden and I shine because other women helped me by telling their stories.
I am telling mine now. I am striving to always be the best me I can possibly be. Give your SisStar a break, give her a hug. Let her know, Sis I have not always had it all together. Let me love you through your lessons. You are beautiful and your beauty will be groomed in your struggle but I am here to remind you that you are my SisStar. Let my life be a candle to you. Letting you know that you can let yourself off the hook for things you did not even have knowledge of back then. It is called hind sight for a reason SisStar. I had to live and learn just like you. I am not trying to tell you how to heal. I just want you to trust the process so you can be whole and complete. I love you Girl. Get you some help. We are all a work in progress. Give yourself some compassion.
So, I sit, and I write
There are days when the words are the only thing I can trust. The words allow me to control the amount of trust given. When you have ptsd there are days when there is not one person that you can trust. They could be the most trust worthy person and deserving of your faith in their ability not to intentionally hurt you.
Because of all the many times people have deliberately plotted to take advantage of you it is with earnest effort that a person with ptsd extends any amount of trust to you.
I am intelligent enough to know that nobody is perfect. Being glaringly aware of my own frailties, makes me also aware of the reasons why people do what they do. I live between the logical knowledge of realistically knowing that people just need to be accepted for who they are and the fact that people committed horrendous acts against me when I was at my weakest and most vulnerable.
Craving physical touch but if I can’t trust you when I need compassion the most, how the hell am I going to be able to trust you at all. We are not meant to be alone and I have beyond doubt overcome the fear of being alone by living in this city without my family and friends. I have been able to prosper despite living in a shelter because my environment was hostile and I could no longer trust the very person I had loved supported to have my back.
The fact is I did not come here to live alone. I landed on my feet. That is what I do. I am a survivor. One of the perks of having ptsd is knowing how to adapt to any situation. Even ones that may appear to be detrimental to you.
I want a partner. I want to make new friends but when I see that they will talk behind others backs and show no loyalty I don’t trust them and I believe that is a logical assessment. I do wonder, though, if I am sabotaging myself because of the ptsd.
Anger is not far behind that question because then I must use my tools I learned in therapy to get me back to a place of love. Returning to the love space will allow me to trust God and more than that to trust the God in me.
Everyday lately I am wanting to go back home to the tried and true of my family and friends in St. Louis. Trust is so very important in all our interactions with people. I am aware of the different levels of trust, but when people show you who they are…….well you already know.
I am trying very hard not to end up old and alone. Being alone though is how I feel safe, but that is sometimes when I am most vulnerable. I know I need to get out more and make friends. I tried that already. I had to stop talking to a woman because she would put other women down and basically murder other women’s character. She would talk to me disrespectfully and was critical of some of the things that make me uniquely me. I did not feel accepted for who I am. It felt like she wanted me to change so she could be around me. I did not trust her for those reasons. I could no longer take her criticism.
I have good friends and not one has told me to tone it down, so they would be comfortable around me. I admit I am not the usual woman. I don’t believe in fairy-tales. I was raised by some very strong, self-sufficient, and fiercely independent women. So, for some I may come off as harsh. I don’t sugar coat anything.
If you are not straightforward I find it hard to trust you. Being perfect is not what I expect. I just need people to keep it real.
Maybe I need to work on accepting people just the way they are, but I need people to be who they say they are. You must know yourself if want to know someone else.
Anyway, having said all of that. It is hard to trust people. I trust only God and the God in me. Right now, being alone is the safest place to be. A victim is something I refuse to ever again be.
I want to say, “SisStar, if I did it you can too. You can be happy on the inside all of the time. It is a downright dirty shame that we have to fix ourselves. But we can do it and your healing will change the course of your entire family for generations to come.”.
The launch date for the GirlGetYouSomeHelp.com is March 23, 2018 the seven year anniversary of The Souls’ Poet.com
My mission is to lead women, particularly LGBTQ women to healing. I am the relate-able example that healing is possible.
My message is simple. Girl get you some help. I don’t say this in a judgemental tone. I say this because I love you. I see you. I know what you have been through. If I can heal so can you. I promise you it is better on the other side.
Writing has saved my life. Every therapist asked me to write. Writing is a proven facilitator of healing. Pouring your emotions and feelings onto the paper is one of the practical tools of therapy.
I will use journal writing, and poetry to not only help with healing but to also educate on the many forms of abuse and domestic violence specifically where it is women hurting women within the LGBT community. I want to also educate or demystify how to find a good fit when looking for a therapist. I will give tips on and how to work with your therapist, how to get what you need from therapy and when to say “I am out of here.” when the therapist is not a good fit.
It is my purpose and passion to help women heal with my whole life.
I feel it is utterly important that women heal because it is true,
the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.