Soul Deep

There has always been something deep inside my soul that has kept me going.  Writing poetry allowed my soul to bleed, my soul spoke to me through the words on the pages.

Sometimes I run across something I’ve written long ago and I don’t remember pouring these words onto the paper.  It is usually profound, honest and deeply moving.

Most of my best poetry has been penned while tears rolled down my face.  When the ache in my heart can’t be expressed verbally or the pain is unbearable writing is the only release for the anguish.

I want to share the gifts I have been given.  Each poem expressed something that my mouth could not utter. Each poem a letting of the painful emotions buried for decades.  Words on a paper are safe, but it is time to share.

May every poem be a balm for another soul. needing to know they are not alone.  Hopefully just knowing that another soul made it over to the other side will encourage other women to start their journey to healing.

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Sweet KARMA

Karma is not a bitch.  Karma is sweet.  Karma is fair.

She will give you what you deserve

and about your feelings she doesn’t care.

She will pay you in love,

If that is what you reap.

sowing seeds of love and positivity.

Will keep you out of the path of Karma’s negative proclivity.

Karma will be your friend,

until you make her your enemy.

Whether you acknowledge her or not

she will bite that ass no doubt

it is an absolute guarantee.

See, me and Karma go way back

to a time when I did not know

or respect

her affect.

I finally woke up when my love debt was past due.

I had burned too many bridges,

so, a reckoning with Karma I had to do

that changed my views.

Everyone will get what they are due.

No matter your hue.

Now,

I love every day my very best,

I am reaping love in abundance cause I let go of judgments,

no more right or wrong.

I am living the moments of my life’s song

I have created a life in love for myself,

my journey is filled with valley blessings.

I am receiving my wealth of love that Karma has dispensed.

by Mozayik “the souls’ poet” © 61917

survivor (when my own soul encouraged me)

you are a survivor girl
stand up and be strong
you’ve made it
through storms of  hard times

you’ve seen bad marriages
the letdowns of dreams
but you’re still here

so it seems you can’t make it
seems you can’t see your way
but you’ve made it this far girlfriend
you survived, through it all till this day

go ahead on and be strong.
you’re a survivor because
you’ve hung in there this long.

gone girl with your bad self
only you know what you can do.

just try it.
just believe in your self.

don’t wait for somebody
to tell you that you can make it through.
you know what you’ve got to do

reach deep down inside yourself and
pull out what has been there for so long
stand up and be strong.

girl whatever it took
to make it through a bad marriage
to a drug addict and wife beater

whatever it took to make it
through abuse and rejection

whatever it took when
you were put down

lied to and talked about

but you made it through
you held your head up high
and you kept on going

girl, you can do it
all you gotta do is
stand up and be strong

believe in your self

you are a survivor girl

go ahead on

Positive Funk

Positive Funk

is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song

you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this  funky place you be

but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up

you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share  it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you

it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the  negative emotions

but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose

positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways

positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley

this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you

you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Letting It Out (more room out than in)

Whew! today has been loooong. I feel like I need to shake it off, shake off all the energy that is not mine. So much has happened today. So much has changed I have been in deep thought about a lot of things. I have questioned my own motives for doing a thing. I know that great struggle will produce enormous growth. So I count it all Joy.

My therapist is leaving the YWCA. I am happy for her. I am happy that she is doing what will serve her highest good. I trust her. She has supported me through some pretty rough terrain since I moved back to St. Louis. One of the main reasons I moved back home was because I could not, no matter what I did, get any kind of therapy at all.

They said my income was too high. Really, umph, anyway, I went all that time without any therapy. Yeah, I was fine for the most part, but I had some struggles with anxiety. I was not depressed because I had a strong relationship with God. I had sunshine and the tools I learned in therapy. I had processed all of the trauma that was causing the depression. I know how to keep my joy.

Please let me say that I don’t regret anything. I needed what Phoenix taught but I knew it was time to come home. Even if no one else understood. There were many reasons that God led me back to St Louis. Me and God we good like that, I know and trust God to lead me. Wherever I am God is.

I learned so much from the therapy I had already had, but there were some missing pieces. Healing is a process. Like going to school, you graduate to different levels based on your understanding of the Curriculum.

Coming home and working with her has taken my understanding to the next level. I needed to understand why I have continued to have certain challenges.

She said I get it. I tackle a problem head-on. I don’t live in denial but choose to make the changes necessary to be at peace. I am not a whiner and if I complain about something, I am willing to be the change. After a few therapists, I realized what worked for me. Talking is good for some but in addition to that, I need something practical to do. I tell therapists that when I first meet them now.

I am rambling, I know, but I am a writer that spills her thoughts and feelings onto the page where it can make sense. I have learned the hard way that there is more room out than in. That was one of my grandmothers’ favorite sayings, “There is more room out than in.” but she was talking about farting. But it applies to our emotions as well. Holding things in will literally kill you.

So, thanks for listening y’all

I am breathing better now.

If none of this makes sense, please chalk it up to venting. Thanks for letting me be myself again.

mozayik

 

Poetry is My LIfeLine

if it were not for poetry

I would have given up long ago

poetry is the window to my soul

the light in the darkness

sanity instead of delusion

poetry allows me to look at myself

to take my eyes off you

 

Poetry inspires me

sets my soul free

when confused

and I can’t stand

to look at your face

and fear keeps me from speaking

and shame and disgrace

cloud my world

 

poetry inspires me

to set on paper all things ugly

all things deep

so deep if spoken

it would cut

like a sword into your gray matter

and pierce your heart

causing you to want my blood

 

poetry inspires me

it lets me gather my thoughts

so you and I can remain free

to coexist without war

poetry has taken me far

been my release

 

if it were not for poetry

I would have thrown myself

on the floor

pulled out my hair

ran naked out my door

screaming

I can’t take it no more

 

poetry inspires me

to drop to my knees

ask God

for more strength to go on

with my prayer answered

I can go walking

out the door fully clothed

thanking God for strength

mercy and grace once more

I need is poetry

 

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

circa 2000

Fight, is My Middle Name

I’ve fought all of my life
Coming here backward was a glimpse 
I was born fighting and born to fight
There have been times when I didn’t want to fight
But because I am fight
I fought
Again and again
I fought

I have fought for rights
Fought for love
Fought for and with my words
I have fought old people with a challenge to the status quo
Saying we don’t have to do that anymore
I have fought for children that nobody wanted

There has been in fighting
Out fighting with only two of us
kicked down doors with my fight
Been speaking my piece to gain peace with my fight
My fight has won tons of progress
I fight for the ones that don’t have any fight.

they can count on me to fight

I stopped fighting one day
I tried to keep the fight behind closed doors 
God called me to fight so I fought again once more
I fought the teacher along with the university, 

making them see my invisible disability

I have fought directors, presidents, public officials, doctors, lawyers
Even religious individuals
Shit, I have fought anybody telling me no
Growing up all I saw was fight
Fight to smile
Fight to keep the tears, shed the tears,
hold the tears at bay
save those tears to fuel the fight another day
I am going to keep on fighting

fight is my middle name

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
2.21.19

**STL HOMESICK**

I want to go home
homesick for my people in St Louis
I miss being around those that know me
the shock of culture in Phoenix is stark
I miss those that hold my heart
never thought I would miss St Louis
not missing the mold and high humidity
but I do miss the familiarity of my city
a walk in Creve Coeur park stimulated creativity
strolling through the Delmar loop
or traveling down Euclid looking for parking
just to get some Chinese food
is what I want to do.
just woke up this morning missing St Louis
yearning to swing down to the mangrove
by way of forest park
after viewing a movie premiere
sitting comfy in the art museum
twilight Tuesday celebrated
the music that flowed through our city
I have to admit it, St Louis is in my blood and I don’t regret it

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

4.30.17 1:55 PM

bleeding holey soul

she bled out onto the paper
and threw against the wall the tall tall
order to be perfect
she said take me as i am or take nothing at all
she cried unto mother god to please hear her call
she didn’t don’t want to fall
into the valley of despair
the dam wear and tear
on her psyche
to meet the image of her they have
she said i am a real person
with a soul
all i am trying to do is fix these holes

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
4.27.19 6.16p