My African American HerStory

***My HerStory***
I hope she is proud of me. This is my Great Grandmother Bertha Sanders she transitioned in August of 1972. She was 80 years old. Her Father was an African Slave and her Mother was A Native American. She worked and was on her feet till the day she passed.. She had just been diagnosed with Heart Disease when she told us that she would not under any circumstances die in a “white man’s ” hospital. She said, “I am going to lay down, prop my feet up, close my eyes and go home.”

That is exactly how she transitioned. She laid down on the couch in the living room and closed her eyes and did not wake up.

I had gone to church and when I returned she was already gone. The coroner had taken her body. It was just my Grandmother and I left to fend for ourselves.

My Great Grandmother had what we now call a bucket list. She wanted a Family Reunion on her 80th Birthday July 4th. She wanted me to start going to church. This had not really been a priority because she prayed with me and read from the Psalms and Proverbs to me at night before bed.

After her death I swear I could hear her at times saying to me, “Nesie be a good girl.” I also remember that she would say to my Grandmother Mamie, “Give that girl whatever she wants.” I was her girl and forever will be.

I share this story in HONOR of Black History Month. My Great Grandmother is truly African American. This is why I am offended when society wants me to be reduced to a color.
There is only one race, the human race.This is my HerStory

I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me

the image they continue to give me is one of possibility 

these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break

a slight bend now and again

but never broken

I never saw them without what they needed

they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated

I am not afraid to break a sweat

so you have not even seen the best of me yet

I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,

she walked through this world on her own terms

she paid the price to decide

when to prop up her feet and die to flesh

this is who I am

my grandmother Mamie  did the same thing

you would always her saying

I will go die before I lose my independence

and she left this world on her own terms

this is where I come from

backs do not break

we walk on through

our souls help us decide what to do

like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa

even though they left her for dead

she has a mission

she will decide when it is time to go home

so I am going to be all right

this is where I come from

I have decided I have more work to do

more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home

I am going to lay my burdens  down

at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, and Margie’s feet

they are already free

and they are waiting on me to finish up this work

and come home and be free

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  3.11.13

 

When Love is the Intention…..

Today at 3pm CST I will be interviewed by Marci Baptiste about being a Co-Author sharing my story of wisdom gleaned from living over 57 years ,in her Book ‘The Power of 50.

A lot has happened this year that was on my Vision Board for 2018. Being a published Author will give me more opportunities to not only produce interest in my Book ‘The Souls’ Poetry’, but also allows me to share an experience from my life as an 18 year old mother of three children. I share so that other young women will know they are not alone in their struggles and they can persevere in therapy. I want to show them that it is possible to recover.

I have tried performing, reciting my poetry and even sold t-shirts but my true calling is writing.  I will always encourage women to heal. Therapy and God have been the ingredients needed to destroy patterns of abuse in my family.

 

Do you know your God’s Voice?

It is imperative that we know the voice of God for ourselves. We can not allow another human being to tell us who God is to us. I am not a young woman anymore and I have healed and grown enough to know that whatever I do will affect not only me but my entire family, my friends, my community and the universe that is me. I must consult God when making decisions.
There was a time when I needed the approval of others.
I have been through a lot in my life and because God has always protected and provided for me even when I did not acknowledge God.
I bumped my head a lot and took myself through some unnecessary drama.
But GOD, was patient with me as I learned how to be the woman I am born to be.
My journey is unique and my path is specifically for me and me alone.
Now my prayer is “Let the Will of God be done. No matter the situation, that prayer is the one to pray. For me it is Fail Proof. I only want what God wants me to have.
I know when God is speaking to me. I know the leading of my soul, my intuition, my gut feeling, the holy spirit or whatever you wish to call that knowing.
Do you trust God’s leading beyond the shadow of doubt even when the entire world is saying don’t do it.
I know that the decision to return to St Louis is God’s will for my life. God has given me a partner that I can grow with spiritually.
God has shown us that WE ARE IN GOD’S WILL.
I am Happy, We are happy and it is both of our desire to serve and sow good seed into good ground so that our harvest is good enough to share.

Same shit just 25 years later

25 years ago, my youngest daughter came home from a Lutheran Preschool she and her triplet brothers were attending and said, while looking in our floor length mirror, touching her face, “I am getting lighter.”

It was pricey, but we wanted our children to have the best advantage going into Kindergarten. However; I still  had to abruptly remove all three of them. There was no way we were going to spend our hard-earned money to have our children’s self-esteem destroyed. My daughter was wishing for something that would never happen but more importantly she was a perfect beautifully brown girl.

Of course I went overboard with building her esteem. I would say I did a great job because when she was little, and people would comment on how pretty she was she would always say, “I know.” Some would say that she was conceited. I beg to differ because as soon as a brown girl steps outside her door someone is always waiting to tear her down with their ignorance’s.

I gave her an advantage. She knew her beauty and worth. I am so proud of her as woman with confidence that is not based on her beauty because that has already been established. She did not need outside validation from boys or men.

I said all of this to say that 25 years later my four-year-old Granddaughter had the exact same experience in her Preschool. She was told because she was “black” she was not good enough to visit her classmates’ home. This breaks my heart. 25 years and we have not moved 1 dam step.

I challenge anyone to show me the change when we are shot down in cold blood and it is broadcast for the entire world to see, to only have the murderers go free.

I will say what I always say, what we have been doing is not working. It’s time to do something different.

#PeopleAreNotColorsIsWhereItCanStart

Mozayik  ‘the souls’ poet’

10.12.18.12.39

 

breathe

being alone sucks when the clouds start to turn gray

and the memory of abuse is alive and well

the memories laugh and taunt

the breath though saves me

between the inhale and exhale

is where God restores my soul

I remember just like the last breath I took

this feeling of lonely will pass

I remember I am love

love is my super power

the next inhale comes to straighten my spine

the exhale releases all the indecision and doubt

the between the exhale and inhale

reminds me of my purpose

all my tears are stored

in between the inhale, the exhale,

the space where I release the energy that has

clogged my spiritual pores

in between the inhale and exhale

the space where my soul speaks

a language only God understands

by mozayik ‘the soul’ poet’

8.21.18

God even supplies the Hugs

It’s the God in me. I promise you that God supplies my every need, even hugs. I have a neighbor that gives me a hug every time she sees me. Today she brought tears to my eyes because we are in the monsoon season here in Phoenix and she was using her walker. She has arthritis,but she walked outside our building to the spot where I dance in the sun every morning just to give me a hug.
Anyone that knows me well know how I love my hugs, honey. I truly believe we start a fast decent to death without human contact.
The thing is the hugs have been supplied by different Mamas. As people move out someone else takes their place. They all have been old enough to be my mother or even my grandmother as was the case with the 96 old Choctaw Native American.
She has transitioned but I had the absolute privilege and honor to be encouraged by her. She would say to me and anyone within earshot that she was so proud of me. Being a retired Therapist she told me to follow my heart to help women, I was needed.
When I went to speak at a Domestic Violence Shelter for women, she listened intently to the recording and hugged my neck tight although her body was twisted from the arthritis. I would talk with her for hours and show her pictures of my family. I will never doubt God’s faithfulness to always provide for me just like all of Creation.
It is not me but the God in me that draws people to me.
I am not really that special. I just have experienced a time when I pushed people away. I have always prayed to be an instrument of Love but my issues had a way of keeping me feeling defeated.
After therapy, I am not emotionally unstable. Depression thinking is not my default. I know Anxiety is Fear and Fear is ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’. In therapy I learned to check any thought that was giving me anxiety with the question, “What is the Evidence of the belief?”
When you are OnPurpose and your only Goal is to stay in the Will of God so that your mission for this lifetime is fulfilled, there is no need to worry. Everything you need will be there when you get there.
mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’
8.17.18
#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

Worthy Reflection (I’m priceless)

As I think back over my life in this reflective vibe I have been in lately, I see all the places in my life where I discounted my value. It saddens me to know that I did not see how immensely valuable my presence was in my family’s life.

Coming to Phoenix is exactly what I needed to realize my worth. To understand my influence and my purpose. Even when I was a very young woman considering placing my children for adoption, it was because I thought I could not be a good mother.

I now know that with this big ole heart that God gave me nothing could be further from the truth.
Now that I know what I bring to the table of life I see where my presence can make a difference in this world.
What I have to give my family, friends, community and partner is extremely valuable. Now that I know how to give from my overflow I am ready to continue this journey of healing. The next step is to continue to encourage women to heal with #GirlGetYouSomeHelp brand. I am not thru.
The next level is going to be Fantastic. I already have a vision but more than that I have a plan. Still basically the same mission but the HOW is clear. I am excited to see what the rest of this year will bring.
I started out with investing in myself and my business. I have grown greatly as a woman and as a business woman. My confidence is huge because I have built a support system of like minded business women that I follow.
I know more about me, so I can pace myself in all areas of my life. I know how to set boundaries now. I am not ruled by my emotions. Finding peace, contentment or happiness is a breath away now.
When I remember to breath and acknowledge gratefully where that breath comes from, all is well in my soul in the moment. Is not the moment all we have?

speak it, chant it, pray it

give in to the belief that you are unique
with talents and gifts all your own
no one can do it like you
no one but you,
can make your dream come true
whatever mistakes we make are only a tool
to purge and cut,
to help make us rule
better we can learn from them and move on
don’t wallow in self-pity and doubt
use your errors as a spring board to break out
bounce back to the positive
give in to the belief that you are someone special
grab it, take hold of it and don’t let it go
speak it, chant it, pray it, say it until you convince your own soul you are somebody for the world to behold
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
circa 1996

 

Just Love somebody damn it!!!  Love or Fear which will you choose?

My love is an inexhaustible stream

given at birth for me to give away

the only power i have

the only thing i could ever control

is my choice to love

i don’t have to chase it

or look for it

i am it

so i decide to love

right now

this second

giving you my love makes my love overflow

when i give it to you god gives me more

the only reason to be alive is to love

any other reason and you have chosen an unnecessary chore

excerpt from “the souls’ poetry” by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  pg 67

Fear robs us of so much. Today I have talked about love, thought a lot about love and read a lot about people wanting but fearing love.  It seems we all want love but we are afraid to love anyone cause we don’t want to hurt.

Yet people like me get criticized for just wanting to experience love in all its facets.  I am love so why wouldn’t I want to give this love away?   All we have really, to give, is love.  You can judge me and call me kooky.  But while you living in fear I am living in love.
I may get “hurt” 25 more times before I die but at least I lived and loved.  I may have 6 more relationships that fail (I hope not, that is why I am doing my work in therapy) but at least I have created some great memories and loved some wonderful people.

I don’t regret any love I have given and I will love the next lover  with as much fervency as the last.
This love is mine to give and it is inexhaustible.  At the end of my life you can say “She loved”

Just Love somebody damn it!!!  Love or Fear which will you choose?

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp

#loveisallthatmatters

 

Want Change? Change your mind.

I have been battling with changing two core beliefs this year. Therapy has helped me to examine my own behavior, think about where the root is and destroy it by changing the way I think.
One core belief was, {everybody was going to leave me). I expected it. So whenever I had feelings of being abandoned my brain could not tell that I was just having thoughts or remembering experiences.
Even though it was not really happening my brain told my body it was happening. I say this was a core belief because now that I have identified it, it no longer is a belief. It is a fear – (false evidence appearing real) to be dealt with accordingly.
Because of the knowledge I have gained in therapy about how I respond to triggers, I am able to identify and replace negative thoughts that once supported my core belief that everybody was going to leave.
I am sure I have sabotaged relationships in fear of the abandonment. It was kind of like I was protecting myself for what was to come.
Another core belief that I have had to acknowledge is I believed that people were out to get me. I have learned to trust the God in me. Moving slower will allows the process to happen. Now I understand and appreciate the value of waiting for direction.
While waiting, for the emotion to dissipate, I ask myself “What is the evidence of …..?”
Once the emotion is gone. I detach, pray and wait on God to give me the best solution. Sometimes nothing needs to be done. Other times I am led to a person, place or thing that holds THE ANSWER.But ALWAYS I get the LESSON. I am able to evolve to a new level.
There is no evidence that supports that belief that people always leave me and there is no evidence that people are out to get me.
I had some damage to my car and I assumed that it had been vandalized, but waiting allowed me to see that I was the one that had damaged my car. Once my mind was cleared of all those untrue thoughts I remembered exactly when and how it happened.
Three weeks is how long I waited for these profound epiphany’s. Being able to accomplish my goals is a direct result of working on my thinking which helps me to change my behavior. After doing the work in therapy the real Work begins. It does get better though, At first I hated examining everything I thought or did, but over time and with practice my snap back time (knowing that that was then and this is now)has decreased tremendously.
In full expectation I am looking forward to the day when I have successfully rewired my brain to not allow anything from my past to affect my now. Practice really does make perfect. It has already become second nature to identify and let go of the emotions of a trigger ASAP. I have truly been able to “Let Go, and Let God”
If you are going to worry, don’t pray, if you are going to pray, don’t worry.

mozayik “the souls’ poet”