Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

ample example

how do your grieve without being sad

when your tears are all you have

the people who say they love you

have suffered long

their limit is full

healing the mind and repairing the soul

take a lot of tears and screams from your soul

i can only give you my example

for you it may not be ample

but this is my journey

and this how i have chosen

to purge my psyche and make whole my soul

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

I was feeling kind of sad today for many reasons and beating up on myself about this down mood.  I have committed to healing from my childhood trauma so I can’t expect it not to hurt.  My best friend told me today that anybody would be angry about what happened.

This all came up while trying to complete my homework given to me by my therapist.  I am to write about one incident of rape.  I had no ideal it would bring up so much emotion.

I just dont want to be the victim.  I dont want to be stuck in the cycle of victim thinking.  I survived, but that does not change that fact that I am pissed that I have relive this shit again just to be done with it.  It feels like rape all over again.
Unfortunately that is the purpose of therapy.  I have to process those emotions that were pressed deep inside me over and over for decades.

Now is when my mind and body have chosen to heal itself and I am grateful.  As a child I had no frame of reference to deal with this, but I have all the support that is required to navigate through it, so I know it will be okay.
So the most loving thing I can do for myself today is to be proud of my courage to heal.  I am brave enough to move forward towards a more healthy mind, body and spirit.  It may not be what others would do, but this is what is needed on my journey.  Only I get to decide what road I must travel and in what vehicle.  My destination is Whole.