It is finished

I have not been promoting my book because that journey has ended. I don’t know where I would be without poetry. I was born a poet because that is what I needed to give voice to my pain. I bled onto the pages and it helped to heal me.

The poems in my book tell the story of my healing. It is amazing to me how clearly the poems actually chronologically portray my healing process.  The title was My Healing Journey and I actually published and printed the part of the book that was finished at that time in 2008.

My healing journey was not complete, though.  The book has gone from 48 pages to 80 pages. It seemed it would never be complete because every editing session triggered me.  I would spiral down into depression,  get into therapy and when I felt better or I allowed myself to be distracted I stopped therapy.  there were also other reasons I had to stop, like insurance or lack thereof.

The book became one of my biggest motivators to continue therapy.  I could clearly see my progress but also see where there was more work needed. I started to realize that my soul knew what I needed to heal. So I trusted it. It became apparent that the book would not get published or even completed until I healed. 

The book became a labor of self-love. It became my promise to God that I would give my gift at no cost. Writing is the tool or gift God has given me to heal myself and to heal others. It is better to give.

A therapist once told me that after I did the work to heal that I would be happier than I could imagine. I did not believe her but I had to try and see what the end was going to be. What did I have to lose? I had happiness to gain, so I  finally committed to therapy because being in pain became unbearable.

I got very serious about healing once I started having flashbacks. I had to face the fact that I suffered with PTSD.  As it is often said,  when the student is ready the teacher will appear. In January 2012 I was led to the YWCA where I spent over 3 years healing from childhood sexual abuse.

My therapist told me that I could be healed from PTSD and Fibromyalgia. She was right. It is true, that if you heal the mind you heal the body. Depression hurts.

I went over 3 years without therapy but the journey was not over. I still dealt with anxiety. Depression was and still is a thing of the past.  I still had to heal from domestic violence among other things that had left side effects.

I don’t regret any part of my journey. I am a powerhouse now for women that are healing or want to start healing.

I was born with a calling to tell women that they can be free from the pain that stops them from being all that they want to be. God has used me to pull women from the edge of the ledge. I am sure I could not even imagine how much God has used me to tell women they can be free.

So I regret nothing. I was called out to endure and heal to say, “Girl get you some help”.

This last year in therapy and the last domestic violence experience gave me valuable lessons.  Iyanla VanZant said, “There is value in the valley”. 2019  took my understanding of why I and many other women keep choosing the same type of person. We attract to us the people we need to heal. Sounds a little skewed but it is true. When we heal that part of ourselves we no longer need that situation to mirror our pain.

I have learned about things like Trauma bonding and The Trauma Brain and Narsacism as well as what it means to be an Empath. I count it all Joy. This information was essential for me to complete my journey to healing.

I decided ten years ago to take control of my life and make the necessary changes to have a better quality of life. I needed my children to be proud of me. I wanted them to see that Mama worked hard to get her shit together. I wanted to show not tell them that asking for help is a sign of strength and if you are willing to do the work you can change.

Now it is time to thrive. Now it is time to teach. Now is the time to reach even more women with the message, “I promise on the other side of healing is Happy”.

Healing Brings Good Memories

I know I have healed because I can remember the many great things I had as a child. I now have fond memories and they now cover up the bad memories. The good memories bring me joy, cause me to break out and smile while bringing happy tears to my eyes. A walk down memory lane is now filled with gratefulness. I don’t hesitate to walk down memory lane. It is a pleasant welcome experience. That is freedom.

I was raised by two great women my grandmother Mamie and my great grandmother Bertha. Cara my aunt also shared in raising. Tragically, I never saw them in a healthy relationship with men. However, I never heard them be mean to anyone. I did not overhear them plotting about revenge.
I saw them work together to accomplish goals like being homeowners. I saw them share with friends, family, and neighbors.

Healing has allowed me to see the glorious upbringing these women gave me. I am who I am because of them. I am kind-hearted because they were kind-hearted. I have a passion for helping people just like they taught me to be. I believe in order and setting boundaries like they taught me.
They also taught me to fight back, stand on my own two feet and don’t take no shit off nobody. Just as they taught me to pray and trust God. They also taught me to be ready to protect myself. I really saw no fear in them at all.

One man got rowdy with my grandmother when I was about eight or nine and she got her gun and run his ass out of the house. We never saw or heard from him again. I saw them have male friends but no live-in man. A man did not ever spend the night.
They worked and provided for themselves. I started working at eleven cleaning offices with my grandmother. They taught me by example and word that “If you don’t work, you don’t eat”.

They poured so much love into me. My great grandmother would hold me and rock me in her rocking chair while reading the bible to me. This has to be my fondest memory of her. I thank God that I can carry these memories with me in my heart every day. There is no more rain in this cloud. I found the silver lining. All the hard work has been worth it. #Healed

brokenness

Because we are broken we choose broken people who help us to perpetuate the brokenness to a multigenerational level.  We have been socialized and conditioned to withstand breaking.  It has been our normal for so long that we don’t even question the breaking.  We see it everywhere.  It is a part of our history.  We were determined to not break or at least not show our brokenness.

It is my brokenness that has made me whole. The tears in my soul are sewn with the golden thread of Grace. Beautiful scars honor my journey. Breaking open has allowed my soul to evolve to unconditional love for myself.

 

 

 

 

Soul Deep

There has always been something deep inside my soul that has kept me going.  Writing poetry allowed my soul to bleed, my soul spoke to me through the words on the pages.

Sometimes I run across something I’ve written long ago and I don’t remember pouring these words onto the paper.  It is usually profound, honest and deeply moving.

Most of my best poetry has been penned while tears rolled down my face.  When the ache in my heart can’t be expressed verbally or the pain is unbearable writing is the only release for the anguish.

I want to share the gifts I have been given.  Each poem expressed something that my mouth could not utter. Each poem a letting of the painful emotions buried for decades.  Words on a paper are safe, but it is time to share.

May every poem be a balm for another soul. needing to know they are not alone.  Hopefully just knowing that another soul made it over to the other side will encourage other women to start their journey to healing.

to the next lover, she grew up

I know I am healing because in the past I would be on to the next lover. This time though, I am guarded. I should have always had a fence around my heart. It is healthy to safeguard everything about your person.

That is a good thing. I should be protecting my energy. That is self-love. I guess I have finally mothered the hurt little girl in me. I grew up in an environment where I was not protected. I had no clue about boundaries.

My grandmother allowed me to smoke cigarettes at eleven. I was home alone responsible for another child just 6 years younger than me. I was ‘the’ adult. I literally ran the house. I made the grocery list, went shopping, and cooked the food as well as cleaned up after meals. I paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. I did all these things every day from the age of 11. I behaved like a grown woman because I had grown woman responsibilities.

With therapy, I was able to understand that I had had no childhood. I was abandoned and left to my own defenses at a very early age.

Now that I know how to protect my body, mind and energy, and soul. I understand the behavior that was not serving me well in my adult life. As a child the behavior protected me.

I am still unlearning a lot of misinformation and dysfunction but at least I am not on to the next. I am confident in being able to love myself first. I am confident that although I still will have to deal with the fear of being alone, I am not alone. God is with me because God lives in me.

I am enough for me.

Positive Funk

Positive Funk

is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song

you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this  funky place you be

but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up

you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share  it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you

it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the  negative emotions

but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose

positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways

positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley

this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you

you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Undo to Heal

Therapy was really good yesterday, my understanding of abandonment has grown. Children will seek approval of their parents even if the parent was abusive. It is just the nature of childhood.

I was abandoned by my mother at six and suffered severe neglect and rape.

I have been recreating the scenario of abandonment over and over subconsciously hoping for a different outcome. Hoping she would finally show up and give the unconditional love I deserved. I have been choosing partners just like my mother.  Ones that would leave or abuse.  My core belief has been that people will leave you, people will hurt you and not have any conscious about it.

It was always my fault that she is a bad person. My mother never admitted to what happened to me. I was a liar, a bad seed. It was not that bad, even though I was home alone, dirty and had no clean clothes or nothing to eat. My uncle had to break a window to get me out of the roach-infested apartment. I don’t know where my mother was.

My aunt had to scrub the dirt off my body.

This was a very hard truth to accept. My mother is dead and I wanted her to stay dead. But if I truly want to heal, at last, I had to look at her and what happened to me on her watch. I have long ago forgiven her.  I loved my mother. but that did not erase what happened and how it affected me.

The undo had to happen.

I understand now that until the pain of abandonment, neglect, and abuse are processed and the root of bitterness is excavated I will keep seeking approval from the abuser. I am grateful for all of my experiences. I look for the silver lining in every situation. I want my pain to serve a purpose. I need my pain to be the catalyst for someone else’s healing. I don’t want my living to be in vain, so I share this journey in hopes that others won’t wait until 50 to heal. I pray that healing comes soon and swiftly for all that are hurting.

I am calling this the season of my next level healing. I could be embarrassed about doing this healing process at 58. I choose instead to appreciate that at least I got it and I am literally destroying the trauma cycle for my entire family for generations to come. The work I do in therapy may not be appreciated by my children or grandchildren and that is okay. God knows the sacrifice. God knows my heart that wants to protect them 

It is all starting to make sense to me now. Therapy has helped explain why I have been doing the same thing over and over even until my detriment. Our subconscious mind is so powerful that we do things mindlessly. We are unaware until we have the courage to face the truth about ourselves and those that have hurt us we will not heal. 

#GirlGetYouSomeHelp♥️

NO, and NO I am not alone.

Whew! I am one of those people. The kind that starts immediately looking for the lesson in the situation so it can be over with and I can move on in this journey of healing.

I lost it today as someone stood at the end of my bed. belittling me and talking to me as if I were a child. I forgive myself for giving her another chance. She called and said what I wanted to hear and boom, right back to the same ole same ole dysfunction.  I asked for my possession and she refused to give it to me and I admit it. I lost it. I lunged at her from my hospital bed trying to get my car keys. she refused to give them to me so I got out of my bed and ran down the hospital hallway to get my keys. I got them too, but not without much embarrassment.

I learned that I do have a breaking point. We all do, but staying away from people that bring out the worst in me is the top priority. I am a force now because as I said, lessons are the most important. I really believe life is going to be filled with nothing but positivity. People that play with your mind are dangerous.

I am sorry for taking my family and friends with me on this journey to love. We don’t usually consider how our choices affect our loved ones that have witnessed you suffer needlessly. Healing is a process. Most women go back to an abuser 7 times before actually leaving and staying gone. I will talk more about that in upcoming blog posts.

I did not get real with therapy until I was 50 years old when I found myself cowered in the corner of my bedroom having flashbacks of when I was left home alone at 5. So this 8 year journey has been an education if nothing else. There have been gaps along the way but it has been probably a good 5 of those 8 were spent in therapy.

It became my mission to free myself and destroy patterns and pathologies in the family tree so that “we can rock the future generations without dysfunction”.

So anyway, let me get back to the point. I learned a lot about myself with these last, ugh, few uh, well let us call them revelations.

I learned that I was still co-dependent. I saw it from a different perspective by listening to my dear friend even though we have not ever met in person, Sherry Dickerson. She talked about needing to be needed was classic co-dependency.

I kinda sorta knew that but the way she put it just made all the circuits of codependency go off in my brain.

Finally, I really get it.

I will always go to therapy when things come up that I need support with, the best place to go is to a Mental Health Professional. That can not only listen and validate your feelings but will also give you tools to use while you heal.

I learned that I have been telling myself a lie about being alone.

My son and his wife and my grandson came to see me at the hospital. I did not call him and I should have. I did not want to bother him. That is that old tape playing in my head from childhood that says he is too busy to be bothered with me.

Let me say that none of my children have ever made feel bad about asking for help. I just don’t ask that is my issue. I see that and it does not serve my highest good to not allow my children to be there for me. It is a blessing for both parent and child when our children bless us with their care and concern.

My daughter checked on me throughout the evening and day.

Another son contacted to make sure I was okay.

I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of Facebook friends that prayed with and for me.

I have a great support system. My girlfriends have my back. These are friends from way back 30 or 40 years or more.

No matter what, even if they have to tell me I am wrong, they will still support whatever I decide to do with my life.

NO, and NO I am not alone. God is with me, and in me so I will always have love. I will not be dying alone. that is a lie from hellacious energy cause hell is right here on earth.

I learned how to let go. I am a Cancer so that is a hard one for me. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not stupid. I am kind. But when I realized that I can not trust you, and sometimes it takes me a long time because I have issues, but, baby, you get no more of my goodness. So I am working on keeping my goodies for the one that will appreciate them. I may have already overlooked her but I wasn’t ready. After all of the drama of the last few months, I am still not ready. That is a great place to be.

I learned that I am poised for greatness.

I also learned that my mouth could impede my growth.

I am a fighter. I fight back. I won’t allow you to do me any kind of way but on the flip side, I learned about my Trauma Brain and Trauma Bonding and a lot of other stuff about trauma and why some of us, especially survivors, keep having the same challenges.

I am even more committed to helping women. When I research and help you I am helping myself. As I encourage you, I encourage myself.

Believe me, I know when to quit, although it may appear that I don’t, and that is okay. I am going to continue letting God lead the way and keep on getting these lessons. This education will catapult me to the next level. I count it all joy, even the F*** ups. As long as we learn, hey, it is all good, right?

Thank you for letting me be myself again

Mozayik

8.18.19.4.41

Words of the Matriarch

Nana Reflections
I have granddaughters that left for college today. I cried. Not because I am sad but because I am so happy for our family.
I had a granddaughter that went to kindergarten this week and she is filled with so much promise.
 
Life is so good. My heart fills with pride when I see my happy grandchildren thriving and safe. Being raised by loving parents. Being better parents than I was while preparing the next generation of our Legacy of Love.
 
I am the oldest in my generation, so that makes me the Matriarch of this family tree. We have destroyed some branches that were not serving us well. We have had things crop up as life will do you. But when the chips are down, we huddle together in love, we pray, we pitch in wherever needed and we overcome together.
 
My children probably don’t even realize just how special they are, and I know I am the mother and would say that, but it is true. Anyone that knows any of them can vouch for that.
We have consciously determined to be love and positive energy in this world. How beautiful that I can say that about all of my children and grandchildren.
 
We are not perfect but we are love and loving. We don’t tolerate any negativity or malicious gossip when we get together. We keep it real because we have learned that lies and secrets kill.
I wonder do they remember that when they would speak ill of one another I would have us sit in a circle and say something nice about everybody in that circle.
 
I am just being reflective of how blessed we are as a family.
I am trying to be the best me so that they can be proud of me too.
I was not the best mom or grandmom but I always tell the truth and I accept everybody exactly the way they are. Giving them the freedom to express themselves.
mozayik

Letting It Out (more room out than in)

Whew! today has been loooong. I feel like I need to shake it off, shake off all the energy that is not mine. So much has happened today. So much has changed I have been in deep thought about a lot of things. I have questioned my own motives for doing a thing. I know that great struggle will produce enormous growth. So I count it all Joy.

My therapist is leaving the YWCA. I am happy for her. I am happy that she is doing what will serve her highest good. I trust her. She has supported me through some pretty rough terrain since I moved back to St. Louis. One of the main reasons I moved back home was because I could not, no matter what I did, get any kind of therapy at all.

They said my income was too high. Really, umph, anyway, I went all that time without any therapy. Yeah, I was fine for the most part, but I had some struggles with anxiety. I was not depressed because I had a strong relationship with God. I had sunshine and the tools I learned in therapy. I had processed all of the trauma that was causing the depression. I know how to keep my joy.

Please let me say that I don’t regret anything. I needed what Phoenix taught but I knew it was time to come home. Even if no one else understood. There were many reasons that God led me back to St Louis. Me and God we good like that, I know and trust God to lead me. Wherever I am God is.

I learned so much from the therapy I had already had, but there were some missing pieces. Healing is a process. Like going to school, you graduate to different levels based on your understanding of the Curriculum.

Coming home and working with her has taken my understanding to the next level. I needed to understand why I have continued to have certain challenges.

She said I get it. I tackle a problem head-on. I don’t live in denial but choose to make the changes necessary to be at peace. I am not a whiner and if I complain about something, I am willing to be the change. After a few therapists, I realized what worked for me. Talking is good for some but in addition to that, I need something practical to do. I tell therapists that when I first meet them now.

I am rambling, I know, but I am a writer that spills her thoughts and feelings onto the page where it can make sense. I have learned the hard way that there is more room out than in. That was one of my grandmothers’ favorite sayings, “There is more room out than in.” but she was talking about farting. But it applies to our emotions as well. Holding things in will literally kill you.

So, thanks for listening y’all

I am breathing better now.

If none of this makes sense, please chalk it up to venting. Thanks for letting me be myself again.

mozayik