Category: therapy

Graduation Pictures

I moved to Phoenix Arizona in March of 2016. I found the Fresh Start Women’s Foundation .

I graduated from their Small Business Start Up Certificate Program on May 12th. Professors from Paradise Valley Community College sacrificed their time and energy to teach us every Saturday morning from 9:30-2:00. I did not miss one Saturday from September to May.

My book The Souls’ Poetry is the catalyst for my Business The Souls’ Poetry LLC where my mission is “To Lead Women in the LGBTQI community to commit to and complete therapy.”  The Souls’ Poetry

No one is talking about the violence that women do to other women in their relationships. I want to start the conversation about how to heal so that we have more healthy interactions.

I now have a GREAT Professional Business Plan. Next step of my strategy is to get licensed to do business. My focus will be to use writing and poetry workshops to help women to give voice to the pain endured from DV (domestic violence) and IPV (intimate partner violence) that may have resulted in PTSD. There is a severe lack of education behind the walls of shelters for domestic violence about PTSD. I want to use these workshops to get the information out there about the different types of abuse, provide resources and peer support. All of this takes money so pray for me that all will be provided.

The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world so my long term goal is to have an organization that supports Mothers that have mental illness.

My book is soon to be published. Anyone that has self published a book or started a small business understands the tedious process. I am encouraged because I am much closer now thanks to all of the support I have received mostly from women.

Life after therapy is wonderful. I never knew I could be so happy and accomplish so much. I’m not whole if my SisStar isn’t whole. Your healing is my healing. #GirlGetYouSomeHelp

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Safe Alone

when i am alone freedom caresses me

i can hold my head back

and think and be whatever i dam well please

thing is

i can be alone even in the sea

of distractions that taunt

beckoning

seducing

waving pseudo liberty

just upon the precibus

of free true healing

perseverance wielding

resilient survivor

healed by the power of knowledge

it is in me i find safety

alone

still healing

but yet free

 

Happy, the Gift to Self

Happiness is not just a word in a far away place

somewhere in no one’s land

happiness now makes perfect sense

it is a state for which we are meant live

from moment to moment

happiness resides now in my soul

it lives in all the little nooks and crannies

cut by all my broken pieces

mozayik is now whole

and the masterpiece

is bright,

colorful

trimmed in gold

in the places where trauma left it’s hole

happiness lives and dances in all of my dreams

all of my expectations are of happy everything

I swear I never thought i could exist

in a state of happiness

from moment to moment

I am not going to lie

there are moments when memories make me sad

but I now know how to not let the moments last

I honor and acknowledge my soul’s brave journey

if tears are in order I respectfully cry

but even with the memories I will be alright

cause I know that I now live in the light

that I can intentionally share

I am not looking for anything out there

because healing has brought me to knowing my own worth

I truly love me and am okay with self

it feels wonderful to just be and breath in peace

knowing that happiness is always available to me

and now I don’t have drudge through shit to see

that if I live moment to moment happiness is free

it is a  gift that I give freely to me

mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Before and After Therapy 

Practice makes perfect is a true statement or at the very least practice makes better. Before therapy most of my thoughts were negative. I beat up on myself thinking things like “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing the same stupid shit over and over again?”, “What is the point? I might as well just end it, nobody cares anyway. ” Then I would slide down the slippery slope of depression. I knew if I did not ask for help I would commit suicide. This always ended with a hospital stay of at least 3 days or 72 hours. The skills needed to climb out of the pits of hellish depression were not yet in my possession.

Now, though,  I have an arsenal of tools to prevent the stumble and fall. I stumble but it doesn’t mean the same. Learning and honing coping skills is the super power of therapy.  I stay elevated mentally with out any medication. Stability has been obtained due to  the hard work done for the sake of healing. I had to face the fear that I would lose my mind if I allowed the trapped emotions to rise in an effort to be released.

Not being able to bear constant pain any longer convinced me to commit to the try. Life or death urgency was the strength of this try.  My grandmother always said, “Nothing beats a failure but a try.”  Pain was the biggest motivator forcing me to address it or die.

Losing my mind was the benefit of letting go. I reprogrammed, rewired, and regenerated pathways in my brain.  The default now is happy.

After therapy and years of determination to practice what was learned in therapy, it is rare to have a negative thought about myself.  Replacing it with the truth comes easy.  Because I believe these truths:  I am amazing. I am strong. I am fearless. God is with me. No matter what happens it will be alright. Before therapy I couldn’t even trust my own mind.

After therapy I have no doubt in my ability to make sure I have what I need. God has smiled on me so many times that my faith and trust are unshakable.

Holding on to happy Is easy to do after therapy. 

I am literally loving the skin I am in. I have self-worth. There was a time in my life when I did not know what self-love felt like. After therapy I understand how to keep loving myself no matter the circumstances.   There have been  times in my life recently when I’ve been challenged to be who I say I am.

Before therapy I thought I really  trusted God,  and I did, according to my life experiences at that point in life.  I had to learn how to rely on the God in me. Because I am made in the image of God. I  have the God-given attribute to speak things into existence. God gave that attribute to all of us. I have experienced creating my desires with the words I have spoken. Before therapy I didn’t have the ability to trust anyone not even myself. I took personal what happened to me as a child.

After therapy I realize that I am able to take care of me and to protect myself. What happened in the past had nothing to do with me. I just happened to be caught in someone else’s hell or those were the circumstances my soul chose for my purpose in this lifetime.

I have been in   codependent relationships that relied on me being disabled in sort of way,  be it physical or psychological. We were both needy and dependant. It was not healthy because it enabled dysfunction.

My faith in God is strengthened after therapy.  I know God will provide me with the power to change the parts of my personality that do not serve me well. I am a work in progress and every day I am provided with opportunities to be better than the day before.  I have self-worth. I know what I bring to the table of love. My spot in the Universe is important. I have confidence in my ABILITY to manifest the vision God has given me for my life. 

After therapy I still stumble and on occasion fall down but the difference is I don’t sit in it, or feel sorry for myself. I search for the Silver Lining my grandmother Mamie J Coopwood taught me could be found inside every cloud. The lesson gleaned provides the springboard to change. She also taught me that Practice makes perfect. So I believe without a doubt that the tools I practiced in  therapy will continue to provide support out in the REAL WORLD.   I am better today than yesterday but not as good as I will be tomorrow. I am grateful for God’s Grace and Mercy. Holding on to Happy is easy to do after therapy.

Core Beliefs “dichotomies”

Thank God I am not my feelings.

I realized in therapy that one of my core beliefs was “I am not safe”. I am grateful for awareness and the ability to change that belief to “I am always protected by God’s Love. Always.

Cognitively I know that I am safe but if triggered I feel as if my life is at stake.  Before therapy I would run.  After therapy I can use my tools, like grounding, walking, talking, dancing or asking for help when all else fails.  Praying and going to church are the most effective when strongholds are at play.

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“crazy” woman talking (a personal trigger)

Calling someone crazy is the lowest of the low digs that an emotional antagonist uses to dismiss and discount someone with mental illness.  We with mental illness struggle to not feel, think, or appear crazy. It hurts worse when it comes from someone that has first hand knowledge of your struggle to overcome the stigma of mental illness.

Calling someone crazy is like throwing a dagger that lands in the middle of our heart and it stays there for days while we struggle to tell ourselves that we arenot crazy.

We are what happened to us.  We did not give ourselves P,T.S.D. or depression.

I have worked hard in therapy to undo what has been done unto me and to call me crazy invalidates every thing I have sacrificed to be make myself whole.

Calling me crazy triggers me to a place that is hard to return.  The spirits of the past are all too willing to remind me of what happened to me.  I have to fight to keep from falling into the deep hole of depression.

In the past it took me weeks, even months to return to a place of peace where I control the thoughts and images that enter my mind.  I mean, really?, do people really think  I enjoy this shit?  I isolate because I am bruised and cant stand for anyone to look at me feeling defeated.   I want to disappear and not have to deal with the exhaustion of fighting an invisible enemy.

Depression

I feel it licking at my heels

it pulls and laughs at me

challenging me

I have to dig deep

pull out what God has given me for this storm

God can you hear me

as I scream from the depth of my soul

no sound

bound

it is grabbing my ankles

its slithers up my legs

when it reaches my heart

I am full

I burst when it reaches my mind

I sling slander in my path

so you wont hinder my form of descent

into the pits of hell

depression says

sunshine blue skies seem so far a way

But God, when I reach my lowest

the light is waiting

it holds me

it consoles me

I breath in the energy

I need to make this reappearance sweet

I retreat

the light of love

heals me with relief

I remember

whose I am

free

breath

peace

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

A letter to survivors

Mozayik "the souls' poet"'s avatarThe Souls' Poet

If you had told me that I would I be living this free two years ago, I would not have believed you. Two years ago, events happened that triggered my healing. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a result of surviving childhood sexual abuse, abandonment, neglect, and rape before the age of five. Five is the age of the first rape memory at the hands of my mothers’ boyfriend.

Writing saved my life. Words were my saviors. This is why I am compelled to tell my story. I do not tell it to gain pity or fame. I tell it because I was born to tell it. So I tell. Everywhere I go I tell.

I want to tell my story of PTSD because most of us do not know what that looks like on an African American girl or woman. The number is many but until…

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Resentment (it is a state of mind)

Resentment equals un-forgiveness.  Letting go is healthy.  Holding grudges is a poison that erodes every relationship, especially the one we have with ourselves.  Loving ourselves includes not letting animosity rent space in our hearts or heads.

 

Holding on to Happy

Before Therapy I would go into a severe depression when I felt that I had disappointed someone.  Some selfish person would try and guilt trip me into seeing things their way for what ever reason.  I would not speak up. I would dwell on the experience.  I felt bad because they told me I should feel bad.

I would fill my mind with negative thoughts and spiral into a deep depression.  The guilt tripper would not even know the amount of damage or the effect of my self inflicted abuse.  I just could not cope with knowing someone was not pleased with me and go out of my way to either avoid that person or find a way to mend the energy between us.

After therapy I realize the best way to cope is to do what is right for me.  I can deal with the disappointment of others about me not doing what they see as best.  I can allow that to be their truth.

I am okay with me and I am enough.  I am brave and courageous.  My faith in God keeps me strong and resilient.