Category: happy

Holding on to Happy

Before Therapy I would go into a severe depression when I felt that I had disappointed someone.  Some selfish person would try and guilt trip me into seeing things their way for what ever reason.  I would not speak up. I would dwell on the experience.  I felt bad because they told me I should feel bad.

I would fill my mind with negative thoughts and spiral into a deep depression.  The guilt tripper would not even know the amount of damage or the effect of my self inflicted abuse.  I just could not cope with knowing someone was not pleased with me and go out of my way to either avoid that person or find a way to mend the energy between us.

After therapy I realize the best way to cope is to do what is right for me.  I can deal with the disappointment of others about me not doing what they see as best.  I can allow that to be their truth.

I am okay with me and I am enough.  I am brave and courageous.  My faith in God keeps me strong and resilient.

I approve of me

Before Therapy, I gave away my power because I did not value myself. I thought I deserved mistreatment. I constantly sought approval from those that did not deserve me.

After Therapy, I stand up for myself. I don’t allow anyone to mistreat me. I set clear boundaries and have the strength and value of self to enforce them. #therapyworks

No longer a victim, I am a Conqueror

Healing is a process and it is not pretty but the end result is always beautiful. My grand mother taught me to always look for the silver lining in every cloud and you will find one. It is absolutely true that if you embrace the valleys the mountaintops will be more amazing. I am triumphant. My tragedies are what my soul chose so that my purpose is fulfilled. Happy for me is staying in the moment. I worked hard in therapy to be free. Everyday I see the change in how I perceive the world. My filter most times than not are of love and compassion. The victim filter doesn’t serve me well anymore. I am more comfortable feeling like I am an over comer. I more than survived, I am thriving in my newfound value of self. Worthy and deserving are words that describe my filters now. Everything I have gone through in life has taught me compassion for myself and others. It is easier to see the value in others because I value myself.

The soul’s voice

I have not posted in a while. The process of self-publishing is long and tedious but so very enjoyable.  I am also planning for my trip to Newark in October to attend the annual Convocation of the Unity Fellowship Church.

I am also having Breast Reduction Surgery soon. I have a lot to share about my relationship to my breasts and how it relates to my childhood sexual trauma.

So much has happened since August of last year.  I will talk about what life is like after therapy and the changes I have experienced in myself now that healing has come.  Some changes are subtle and others are glaringly obvious.

Since this blog started with me trying to finish the book The Souls’ Poetry and I am now nearing the completion it is only fitting that I share the journey.  I will be posting any and every thing happening in my life as it relates to the continuing evolution of my soul and it’s expression.

The Souls’ Poetry is my soul’s voice.  This book is my soul’s gift to the world.

My life’s mission is to lead women to and through therapy.  I want to demystify therapy, help women to identify when and if they need to seek therapy.  My experience can help to show what to expect from therapy, how to choose a therapist and just to give a layman’s point of view about the entire therapy process from beginning to end.

So, let’s go.  Next year this time we will be celebrating.  The Souls’ Poetry will be on bookshelves.  I will have a clear plan for my soul’s spiritual growth. I will be at least 5 bra cup sizes smaller.

Love, Peace and “the souls’ poet” mozayik

Happiness “my #1wordpoem for me”

Happiness is now, not just a word

it is not a far away place

somewhere in no one’s land

happiness is now, a concept that makes perfect sense

it is attainable and it has always meant

to be the state we live in

from moment to moment

happiness resides now, in my soul

it lives in all the little nooks and crannies

left from all the broken pieces

that have now been glued back together

and the mosaic

is bright,

colorful

trimmed in gold

in the places where trauma left it’s hole

happiness lives and dances in all of my dreams

all of my expectations are of happy everything

I swear I never thought I could exist

in a state of happiness

from moment to moment

I am not going to lie

I have my moments when I remember and I get sad

but I now know

how to not let the moments last

I honor my soul’s brave journey

if tears are in order I respectfully cry

but even in the memories I will be alright

cause I know that I now live in the light

this light that I can intentionally share

I am not looking for anything out there

because healing has brought me

to knowing my own worth

I truly love me and am okay with self

it feels wonderful to just be

and breath in peace

knowing that happiness

is always available to me

and now I don’t have drudge through shit

to see that if I live moment to moment

happiness is free

my one word poem for myself mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Group Therapy

it is, has been and always will be the words that save us,

all of us,

any of us can be affected

by words we speak and the ones spoken to us

I love them so much

with out the words we would not be able to create new realities for ourselves

all of us are essentially the sum total of words we have thought, spoken, written or heard and seen

 

I heard some words on Sunday that changed my whole perspective

it had a ripple affect

I called my mother and our words helped us heal and reconnect,

but that phone call was the result of many words

along this journey to healing

words have taught me about myself and the world around me

words have shown me where the pathology is rooted

words have given me solutions and testimonies of others

words have inspired courage to continue working on healing

even when the words were to traumatizing to be spoken

except in the heart and mind

 

words have been gleaned from my sisters

the ones that have chosen to share this part of our journey together

we have spoken the words that have healed and supported

our words have been used to say “I feel you sister”

sometimes those words were spoken with a nod of the head

or a look in the eyes with tears as the only evidence of words

that say, I understand

 

I will miss my sisters, we have changed together right here in this room

thank you for using your words to help me grow, heal and know I am never alone

there are women who really understand my pain and that heals us all on a lot of levels

let us please continue to use our word to heal

I have been in group therapy since January for childhood sexual abuse.  We have only a couple of weeks left.  It has been nothing less than grueling WORK.  I am blessed to be a part of a group of women sincerely dedicated to healing and moving on to inspire others to heal.

I will miss us and the place we shared the deepest parts of ourselves that had been buried.  I am grateful for the safe place at the YWCA Women’s Resource Center.  I cant find the words to express my appreciation for the support and guidance received at the center not just from my individual therapist but also for my group therapy facilitator.  The biggest contribution to my personal healing though, are the women who were brave and courageous enough to share their words with me through telling their painful  stories and their deliberate commitment to healing.

It has been worth it, we are better.  We did it and it is one of the most loving things we have done for ourselves and those that are watching and cheering us on so they can believe in the trans-formative power of Understanding self.

We find each other, the ones that seek love. The price of love is truth.

There are days when you come face to face with self.  These are usually the hardest days of your life.  In one moment, you will decide what the rest of your life will look like.  There are only two choices.  Choose the path of fear that tells you this is all you will ever be or have, so you might as well get what you can.  You do not believe you deserve anything more and your life will stop.  You will be living a lie.  If your life is a lie then your life is a waste.

 

The great thing is the other choice is the path to self-love that leads to unconditional love for others because you have it for yourself.  Unconditional does not mean you expect less of yourself.  It really demands that you take responsibility for the choices you have made thus far.  This will empower you to make wiser choices.  The choices that serve your “Highest” good and   that are the absolute for your purpose.

 

This path to truth will try everything you say you are.  Only the path of love will help you evolve to another level of self.  A more authentic soul is all most of us desire.  When it is all said and done, we just want to serve and we accept that means some days we will be alone but the journey to love is not lonely.  Love does not hurt.

 

We find each other, the ones that seek love.  The price of love is truth.

~~~~~mozayik “the souls’ poet

 

Happy is a gift I give to myself

(for ADV)

“I wrote this for a friend, today it is for me.”

You have a choice to make my friend,

I know where you are

and have said the same things,

but reality is we were born

with everything we need.

We just need to make a choice.

Our brains can’t hold on to more

than one thought at a time,

see, right there is an example of

the universe’s kindness

serving our deepest desires.

So when you wake each day,

you can choose to fly higher,

or lie back down and give up,

allowing this wonderful life

to transpire without you

in the world as you exist now.

It won’t stop the pain or frowns

from the pointing fingers

that wants to keep you down.

You have a choice to make my friend,

stay down or stand up.

If you chose to stay down

I still got your back.

It would be so much better

if you could just chose

to stand up and give yourself a break,

realize that life if full of mistakes

if you chose to see it that way.

I pray that you will chose another way,

to look at your circumstance.

Then say to yourself,

“Today I choose to be happy that is a gift I give to myself.”

By mozayik 5.26.12

A letter to survivors (originally posted 4/2014)

If you had told me that I would I be living this free two years ago, I would not have believed you. Two years ago, events happened that triggered my healing. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a result of surviving childhood sexual abuse, abandonment, neglect, and rape before the age of five. Five is the age of the first rape memory at the hands of my mothers’ boyfriend.

Writing saved my life. Words were my saviors. This is why I am compelled to tell my story. I do not tell it to gain pity or fame. I tell it because I was born to tell it. So I tell. Everywhere I go I tell.

I want to tell my story of PTSD because most of us do not know what that looks like on an African American girl or woman. The number is many but until we start talking about it, most will suffer in silence, and ignorance. The majority will be miss-diagnosed with a mental illness or written off as just an angry black woman.

Be clear that PTSD is not a mental illness. It is how I respond to stressors in life after some trauma. My brain is wired differently, when it comes to how my body and mind react to stress. Knowledge about this disorder has been the single most important piece of my healing outside of my willingness to heal and therapy. I was able to function in society but the evidence showed up as “angry black woman”. I married, had children, went to school, worked, and to some had a pretty good life but PTSD affected everything. I will talk more about it in my book.

The story was telling me. I was angry and spiteful. Guarded was the aura I wore. I had to wear a mask that made you want to stay away from me. It served me well as a child but, as an adult, it robbed me of everything good. As a child, it kept me safe. If I came across as angry and hard then you could not interact with me. You just left me alone and that was how I controlled my environment. Of course, all of what I know about how I used to be is the result of a lot of therapy and my soul’s persistence to heal itself. I say used to because I have worked hard to change. I am not that woman any longer.

I am who I always knew I could be. I did not have the tools to let her live but I always knew there was a beautiful sweet woman inside of me.

I want to tell you, whoever may be reading this and experienced similar trauma that you can make it. You are a survivor and you will thrive. I know you feel like you will never be happy. I know you feel the weight of all that has happened to you. You get tired of trying to be happy. I know you are tired of people telling you to “get over it”. I know you want to be over it so badly it hurts.

You may have even learned, as I did, to give the appearance that you are okay. Believe me I know that feeling of being two different people. You have the functional face and energy that has served to get you through until this day. However, you also have that little child inside that needs nurturing. She needs rescuing and you know you are the only one to save her but you feel like you don’t have enough to even save yourself. I am telling you that you can and will heal.

It really does get better. Like I say in my poem “survivor” whatever it took to get you through until this day, it will take you further. You are not what you are feeling. You are strong and courageous. If you are reading these words that means you survived and now you can choose to do the work and start to thrive. https://thesoulspoet.wordpress.com/2011/03/31/survivor/

I know it f***ing sucks that you have to heal yourself. You did not do this shit to yourself. I look at it like this I had two choices. I could stay in pain or I could heal. Either way, I am in pain. So, I told myself if others said they made it over to the other side of healing then I am going to try it. It is true that the day will come when healing is the only choice you really have because the alternative has become unbearable. Trust that your body and mind know when the time is right. If you are suffering, it is time.

The most loving thing I have ever done for myself is do my work in therapy. I swear there have been days when the fear of healing took my breath away. My mind hid those things away to protect me until I could fully comprehend what happened and go through the healing process.

It has really become a spiritual journey for me because I know that my personality is only the tool my soul uses to heal itself and everything that has happened to me was for the elevation of my soul. Looking at it in this manner does not lessen the pain it just helps me to accept it as a necessary part of my journey. I hope my words have helped. My purpose is to use my words to help.

Mozayik “the souls’ poet”

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I am Happy

Most of childhood was hidden from me in the recesses of my mind, waiting on my soul’s readiness to heal from rape.  Only now as I stay committed to therapy by any means necessary are the good memories starting to surface after excavating through the dirty images my mind knew I was not ready to see.

It is not coincidental that my mind, body, and soul have chosen this time for my healing.  School has always been my hiding place.  My sanctuary is my mind.  As a child at eight, I remember walking alone to the library to check out books because I could hide in them.  By the time I was nine I had read the entire Child-craft Collection of 24 books cover to cover. Safety was found in the worlds I could transcend to with my book.  Words were my toys.  I could use them to create whatever reality I chose.

I am finding solace in my schoolbooks now.  They provide an anchor for me.  I can find my self-esteem in challenging my mind. No one can go inside my head and take away my knowledge.

I feel my grandmothers’ presence.  They are always in my mind.  I hear them telling me I am smart. Pretty was not important but smart would save me.  They protected me, nurtured me, and sheltered me with love.

I am filled with so much joy from the memories of Nesie with her grandmothers, HAPPY.

As long as I was sitting on the porch at their feet it did not matter if it was day or night

I knew I would be all right.

They were the ones that rescued me and took me home.

They filled up all the little holes in my heart

even though their love always leaked out.

They never grew tired of filling me up.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

9.8.13