I am Happy

Most of childhood was hidden from me in the recesses of my mind, waiting on my soul’s readiness to heal from rape.  Only now as I stay committed to therapy by any means necessary are the good memories starting to surface after excavating through the dirty images my mind knew I was not ready to see.

It is not coincidental that my mind, body, and soul have chosen this time for my healing.  School has always been my hiding place.  My sanctuary is my mind.  As a child at eight, I remember walking alone to the library to check out books because I could hide in them.  By the time I was nine I had read the entire Child-craft Collection of 24 books cover to cover. Safety was found in the worlds I could transcend to with my book.  Words were my toys.  I could use them to create whatever reality I chose.

I am finding solace in my schoolbooks now.  They provide an anchor for me.  I can find my self-esteem in challenging my mind. No one can go inside my head and take away my knowledge.

I feel my grandmothers’ presence.  They are always in my mind.  I hear them telling me I am smart. Pretty was not important but smart would save me.  They protected me, nurtured me, and sheltered me with love.

I am filled with so much joy from the memories of Nesie with her grandmothers, HAPPY.

As long as I was sitting on the porch at their feet it did not matter if it was day or night

I knew I would be all right.

They were the ones that rescued me and took me home.

They filled up all the little holes in my heart

even though their love always leaked out.

They never grew tired of filling me up.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”