Before Therapy, I gave away my power because I did not value myself. I thought I deserved mistreatment. I constantly sought approval from those that did not deserve me.
After Therapy, I stand up for myself. I don’t allow anyone to mistreat me. I set clear boundaries and have the strength and value of self to enforce them. #therapyworks
Healing is a process and it is not pretty but the end result is always beautiful. My grand mother taught me to always look for the silver lining in every cloud and you will find one. It is absolutely true that if you embrace the valleys the mountaintops will be more amazing. I am triumphant. My tragedies are what my soul chose so that my purpose is fulfilled. Happy for me is staying in the moment. I worked hard in therapy to be free. Everyday I see the change in how I perceive the world. My filter most times than not are of love and compassion. The victim filter doesn’t serve me well anymore. I am more comfortable feeling like I am an over comer. I more than survived, I am thriving in my newfound value of self. Worthy and deserving are words that describe my filters now. Everything I have gone through in life has taught me compassion for myself and others. It is easier to see the value in others because I value myself.
Until I began therapy and parented the abused, neglected and abandoned little girl in me I was stuck playing victim. It was truly the only role I knew how to play. The only coping skills I actually had were the ones I had when I was raped at five. I would hear people say to me all the time, “stop playing the victim”. Until I worked hard to process those feelings and to unlearn bad coping skills I was doomed to behaving immaturely.
After therapy I have an understanding of self that empowers me to change.
One therapy-tool that I use frequently is asking myself a simple question. “What is the evidence to support the thought?”
If I am dwelling on an imaged wrong it can be put to rest with a simple, “what is the evidence of that?”
In the past my abusers had a way of turning things around to make it appear that I was the one with the problem. Not anymore. I see right through the BS much quicker now.
#therapyworks #girlgetyousomehelp
I have not posted in a while. The process of self-publishing is long and tedious but so very enjoyable. I am also planning for my trip to Newark in October to attend the annual Convocation of the Unity Fellowship Church.
I am also having Breast Reduction Surgery soon. I have a lot to share about my relationship to my breasts and how it relates to my childhood sexual trauma.
So much has happened since August of last year. I will talk about what life is like after therapy and the changes I have experienced in myself now that healing has come. Some changes are subtle and others are glaringly obvious.
Since this blog started with me trying to finish the book The Souls’ Poetry and I am now nearing the completion it is only fitting that I share the journey. I will be posting any and every thing happening in my life as it relates to the continuing evolution of my soul and it’s expression.
The Souls’ Poetry is my soul’s voice. This book is my soul’s gift to the world.
My life’s mission is to lead women to and through therapy. I want to demystify therapy, help women to identify when and if they need to seek therapy. My experience can help to show what to expect from therapy, how to choose a therapist and just to give a layman’s point of view about the entire therapy process from beginning to end.
So, let’s go. Next year this time we will be celebrating. The Souls’ Poetry will be on bookshelves. I will have a clear plan for my soul’s spiritual growth. I will be at least 5 bra cup sizes smaller.
Love, Peace and “the souls’ poet” mozayik
Happiness is now, not just a word
it is not a far away place
somewhere in no one’s land
happiness is now, a concept that makes perfect sense
it is attainable and it has always meant
to be the state we live in
from moment to moment
happiness resides now, in my soul
it lives in all the little nooks and crannies
left from all the broken pieces
that have now been glued back together
and the mosaic
is bright,
colorful
trimmed in gold
in the places where trauma left it’s hole
happiness lives and dances in all of my dreams
all of my expectations are of happy everything
I swear I never thought I could exist
in a state of happiness
from moment to moment
I am not going to lie
I have my moments when I remember and I get sad
but I now know
how to not let the moments last
I honor my soul’s brave journey
if tears are in order I respectfully cry
but even in the memories I will be alright
cause I know that I now live in the light
this light that I can intentionally share
I am not looking for anything out there
because healing has brought me
to knowing my own worth
I truly love me and am okay with self
it feels wonderful to just be
and breath in peace
knowing that happiness
is always available to me
and now I don’t have drudge through shit
to see that if I live moment to moment
happiness is free
my one word poem for myself mozayik “the souls’ poet”
I could have said I suffer from depression, or that I deal with PTSD on a daily, but those have become acceptable words instead of saying mental illness. Those two words still hold an enormous amount of stigma.
I am changed by my understanding of self. Self acceptance is a hard-earned virtue when your life started as a land mine where little girls were not safe.
I always knew this blog was inspired by the universes’ agreement with me to heal and help others by telling my story.
My story begins really, with mental illness. My own, my mothers’ and any woman who knows there really are not a lot of safe havens for her to get the support she needs from family or community. Depression kills so many every day. Too many women suffer from mental disorders without help.
My new vision for the rest of my life is to help erase the stigma of mental illness. If you include motherhood along with the stigma of mental illness it is utterly amazing what some women have been able to accomplish. What about those that did not or could not overcome? What about those that struggle because of the fear of being judged or called crazy.
I am so very sure now of what I am to do with my book “Life in Poetry” “true story told in poetry”. I am on purpose. I am excited.
I am open to the universe to be used in any way God sees fit to help mothers with mental illness. I have a vision and a plan. Be on the look out and watch it all unfold.
The reason we wake up on any given day is not for ourselves. We wake up because God wants to use us in someone’s life. Even if it is just to pass along a smile that can travel across the world and create a massive wave of positive energy.
I am ready, willing and open to offer this gift to the world.
it is, has been and always will be the words that save us,
all of us,
any of us can be affected
by words we speak and the ones spoken to us
I love them so much
with out the words we would not be able to create new realities for ourselves
all of us are essentially the sum total of words we have thought, spoken, written or heard and seen
I heard some words on Sunday that changed my whole perspective
it had a ripple affect
I called my mother and our words helped us heal and reconnect,
but that phone call was the result of many words
along this journey to healing
words have taught me about myself and the world around me
words have shown me where the pathology is rooted
words have given me solutions and testimonies of others
words have inspired courage to continue working on healing
even when the words were to traumatizing to be spoken
except in the heart and mind
words have been gleaned from my sisters
the ones that have chosen to share this part of our journey together
we have spoken the words that have healed and supported
our words have been used to say “I feel you sister”
sometimes those words were spoken with a nod of the head
or a look in the eyes with tears as the only evidence of words
that say, I understand
I will miss my sisters, we have changed together right here in this room
thank you for using your words to help me grow, heal and know I am never alone
there are women who really understand my pain and that heals us all on a lot of levels
let us please continue to use our word to heal
I have been in group therapy since January for childhood sexual abuse. We have only a couple of weeks left. It has been nothing less than grueling WORK. I am blessed to be a part of a group of women sincerely dedicated to healing and moving on to inspire others to heal.
I will miss us and the place we shared the deepest parts of ourselves that had been buried. I am grateful for the safe place at the YWCA Women’s Resource Center. I cant find the words to express my appreciation for the support and guidance received at the center not just from my individual therapist but also for my group therapy facilitator. The biggest contribution to my personal healing though, are the women who were brave and courageous enough to share their words with me through telling their painful stories and their deliberate commitment to healing.
It has been worth it, we are better. We did it and it is one of the most loving things we have done for ourselves and those that are watching and cheering us on so they can believe in the trans-formative power of Understanding self.
I have taken the time to be still. In the silence I commune with God. My love for self-motivates me to take my healing to the next level. I am not afraid. I have lived all these years in a prison of fear and now that I have an opportunity to be free, I am going to choose Love. I am reminded of the words from that old gospel song “I have come to far from where I started from. Nobody told me that the road would be easy, but I don’t believe “She” brought me this far to leave me.”
I have worked hard and it really is showing. I hear it from those that know and love me that they see a definite change for the better in how I show up in the world now. I feel better. My therapist has helped me navigate through things I thought I would never be able to do, but I did. I will make it through to the other side.
“healing time”
my soul may be a little weary
my eyes are tired of crying
i still know i have what it takes to keep on fighting
when i look to the left
or even on my right
it appears it is just me
but i feel the presence of my ancestors
telling me
weep in the night
but don’t give up
trust
the law says
you will have a season of reaping
what has been sown
now it is the season for healing
be still
until
you have grown
“whatever it takes to make it, I am going all the way, I may be down sometimes, but I won’t be down always”
mozayik “the souls’ poet”
There are days when you come face to face with self. These are usually the hardest days of your life. In one moment, you will decide what the rest of your life will look like. There are only two choices. Choose the path of fear that tells you this is all you will ever be or have, so you might as well get what you can. You do not believe you deserve anything more and your life will stop. You will be living a lie. If your life is a lie then your life is a waste.
The great thing is the other choice is the path to self-love that leads to unconditional love for others because you have it for yourself. Unconditional does not mean you expect less of yourself. It really demands that you take responsibility for the choices you have made thus far. This will empower you to make wiser choices. The choices that serve your “Highest” good and that are the absolute for your purpose.
This path to truth will try everything you say you are. Only the path of love will help you evolve to another level of self. A more authentic soul is all most of us desire. When it is all said and done, we just want to serve and we accept that means some days we will be alone but the journey to love is not lonely. Love does not hurt.
We find each other, the ones that seek love. The price of love is truth.
~~~~~mozayik “the souls’ poet
The Souls' Poet 