Category: Inspiration

Poetry is My LIfeLine

I need Poetry

if it were not for poetry

I would have given up long ago

poetry is the window to my soul

the light in the darkness

sanity instead of delusion

poetry allows me to look at myself

to take my eyes off you

 

Poetry inspires me

sets my soul free

when confused

and I can’t stand

to look at your face

and fear keeps me from speaking

and shame and disgrace

cloud my world

 

poetry inspires me

to set on paper all things ugly

all things deep

so deep if spoken

it would cut

like a sword into your gray matter

and pierce your heart

causing you to want my blood

 

poetry inspires me

it lets me gather my thoughts

so you and I can remain free

to coexist without war

poetry has taken me far

been my release

 

if it were not for poetry

I would have thrown myself

on the floor

pulled out my hair

ran naked out my door

screaming

I can’t take it no more

 

poetry inspires me

to drop to my knees

ask God

for more strength to go on

with my prayer answered

I can go walking

out the door fully clothed

thanking God for strength

mercy and grace once more

I need is poetry

 

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

circa 2000

Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

Fight, is My Middle Name

I’ve fought all my life

Coming here backward was a glimpse of my fight

I did not turn around I came feet first

I was born fighting

There have been times when I didn’t want to fight

But because I am fight

I fought

Again and again

I fought

I have fought for rights

Fought for love

Fought for and with my words

I have fought old people with a challenge to the status quo

Saying we don’t have to do that anymore

I have fought for children that nobody wanted

There has been infighting

Out fighting with only two of us

I’ve kicked down doors with my fight

Been speaking my piece to gain peace with my fight

My fight has won tons of progress

I fight for the ones that don’t have any fight

They can count on me to fight

I stopped fighting one day

I tried to keep the fight behind closed doors

It did not work

God called me to fight so I fought again once more

I fought the teacher along with the university,

making them see my invisible disability

I have fought directors, presidents, public officials, doctors, lawyers

Even religious individuals

Shit, I have fought anybody telling me no

Growing up all I saw was fight

Fight to smile

Fight to keep the tears, shed the tears, hold the tears at bay

Save those tears to fuel the fight another day

I am going to keep on fighting

Fight is my middle name

by mozayik ‘the souls’ poet’

2.21.19

My African American HerStory

***My HerStory***
I hope she is proud of me. This is my Great Grandmother Bertha Sanders she transitioned in August of 1972. She was 80 years old. Her Father was an African Slave and her Mother was A Native American. She worked and was on her feet till the day she passed.. She had just been diagnosed with Heart Disease when she told us that she would not under any circumstances die in a “white man’s ” hospital. She said, “I am going to lay down, prop my feet up, close my eyes and go home.”

That is exactly how she transitioned. She laid down on the couch in the living room and closed her eyes and did not wake up.

I had gone to church and when I returned she was already gone. The coroner had taken her body. It was just my Grandmother and I left to fend for ourselves.

My Great Grandmother had what we now call a bucket list. She wanted a Family Reunion on her 80th Birthday July 4th. She wanted me to start going to church. This had not really been a priority because she prayed with me and read from the Psalms and Proverbs to me at night before bed.

After her death I swear I could hear her at times saying to me, “Nesie be a good girl.” I also remember that she would say to my Grandmother Mamie, “Give that girl whatever she wants.” I was her girl and forever will be.

I share this story in HONOR of Black History Month. My Great Grandmother is truly African American. This is why I am offended when society wants me to be reduced to a color.
There is only one race, the human race.This is my HerStory

I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me

the image they continue to give me is one of possibility 

these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break

a slight bend now and again

but never broken

I never saw them without what they needed

they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated

I am not afraid to break a sweat

so you have not even seen the best of me yet

I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,

she walked through this world on her own terms

she paid the price to decide

when to prop up her feet and die to flesh

this is who I am

my grandmother Mamie  did the same thing

you would always her saying

I will go die before I lose my independence

and she left this world on her own terms

this is where I come from

backs do not break

we walk on through

our souls help us decide what to do

like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa

even though they left her for dead

she has a mission

she will decide when it is time to go home

so I am going to be all right

this is where I come from

I have decided I have more work to do

more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home

I am going to lay my burdens  down

at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, and Margie’s feet

they are already free

and they are waiting on me to finish up this work

and come home and be free

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  3.11.13

 

America is Healing

All along I have been saying that the Trump situation was only a symptom of the infection of hate in America. You cant get rid of an infection without it first coming to a ‘head’.
When our bodies fight infection we have to find the right treatment to eradicate the infection. But, before the body can fight it has to produce more of the yucky white blood cells that show up as ‘pus’.
The white blood cells multiply to kill the trespassing germ. That part of the body will become swollen, hot and painful. This is the late stages of healing. Soon the germ is killed and our bodies can go back to being healthy but until the germ is killed it wrecks havoc that appears to be a bad thing because of the above mentioned symptoms.
Eventually though, we feel better, but the experience of getting there was horrible.
Sometimes the damaged cells have to be removed surgically and other times the wound is left open to heal from the inside out. None the less, there is a process to healing that is messy that most don’t acknowledge.
I am optimistic about the Election results.
It says to me that WE AMERICANS are ready to be the Solution and not the problem. We have been called to duty. We are willing now to WORK to make things better for us ALL.
People talk about the end times being upon us and that the bible speaks of an Armageddon. I see this as an analogy of the way of being having to change for the better or the worse. A kind of coming to a fork in the road.
The Trump era has shown us that what we have been doing has not worked and that we need to find other ways.
I am proud of America today. We voted. We used our voices to say we are not going along with the status quo.
I am always looking for the silver lining of every cloud. Otherwise, I would give up. Count me as OPTIMISTIC.

When Love is the Intention…..

Today at 3pm CST I will be interviewed by Marci Baptiste about being a Co-Author sharing my story of wisdom gleaned from living over 57 years ,in her Book ‘The Power of 50.

A lot has happened this year that was on my Vision Board for 2018. Being a published Author will give me more opportunities to not only produce interest in my Book ‘The Souls’ Poetry’, but also allows me to share an experience from my life as an 18 year old mother of three children. I share so that other young women will know they are not alone in their struggles and they can persevere in therapy. I want to show them that it is possible to recover.

I have tried performing, reciting my poetry and even sold t-shirts but my true calling is writing.  I will always encourage women to heal. Therapy and God have been the ingredients needed to destroy patterns of abuse in my family.

 

Do you know your God’s Voice?

It is imperative that we know the voice of God for ourselves. We can not allow another human being to tell us who God is to us. I am not a young woman anymore and I have healed and grown enough to know that whatever I do will affect not only me but my entire family, my friends, my community and the universe that is me. I must consult God when making decisions.
There was a time when I needed the approval of others.
I have been through a lot in my life and because God has always protected and provided for me even when I did not acknowledge God.
I bumped my head a lot and took myself through some unnecessary drama.
But GOD, was patient with me as I learned how to be the woman I am born to be.
My journey is unique and my path is specifically for me and me alone.
Now my prayer is “Let the Will of God be done. No matter the situation, that prayer is the one to pray. For me it is Fail Proof. I only want what God wants me to have.
I know when God is speaking to me. I know the leading of my soul, my intuition, my gut feeling, the holy spirit or whatever you wish to call that knowing.
Do you trust God’s leading beyond the shadow of doubt even when the entire world is saying don’t do it.
I know that the decision to return to St Louis is God’s will for my life. God has given me a partner that I can grow with spiritually.
God has shown us that WE ARE IN GOD’S WILL.
I am Happy, We are happy and it is both of our desire to serve and sow good seed into good ground so that our harvest is good enough to share.

breathe

being alone sucks when the clouds start to turn gray

and the memory of abuse is alive and well

the memories laugh and taunt

the breath though saves me

between the inhale and exhale

is where God restores my soul

I remember just like the last breath I took

this feeling of lonely will pass

I remember I am love

love is my super power

the next inhale comes to straighten my spine

the exhale releases all the indecision and doubt

the between the exhale and inhale

reminds me of my purpose

all my tears are stored

in between the inhale, the exhale,

the space where I release the energy that has

clogged my spiritual pores

in between the inhale and exhale

the space where my soul speaks

a language only God understands

by mozayik ‘the soul’ poet’

8.21.18

Your Soul Knows What You Need To Heal

When you know your purpose and you know your God your Faith can not be shaken. You wont let others tell you how your life should be lived. I know the God in me intimately. How could I not get to know God intimately after living in a city alone with no family or friends.
I landed on my feet because of my faith in God.
I trust God to lead me. I have learned to wait and listen before making changes in my life. All any of us need is already in our soul.
We all have a journey. There is purpose for every soul.
Our personality or our ego/flesh is the tool that shows us where we need to change.
The people we encounter represent a mirror into the cracks in our soul. When we seek truth and search for the lesson our souls evolve.
As we grow we enlighten others and the soul just keeps growing and healing until we reach what is called nirvana or bliss or total enlightenment or self realization.
Whatever you call it, it is just knowing who you are, knowing what your purpose is and knowing that your purpose is greater than you.
Knowing that God lives in your soul and what your purpose is in this life is Heaven. It is a life without worry. It is a life lived listening and moving as God tells you to and not listening to the doubts others have about your life or your life choices. There really is not a man or woman alive that can reassure you of your purpose.
Only you and God know and that is ALL you have to know.

speak it, chant it, pray it

give in to the belief that you are unique
with talents and gifts all your own
no one can do it like you
no one but you,
can make your dream come true
whatever mistakes we make are only a tool
to purge and cut,
to help make us rule
better we can learn from them and move on
don’t wallow in self-pity and doubt
use your errors as a spring board to break out
bounce back to the positive
give in to the belief that you are someone special
grab it, take hold of it and don’t let it go
speak it, chant it, pray it, say it until you convince your own soul you are somebody for the world to behold
by mozayik “the souls’ poet”
circa 1996