Category: healing

What is the Evidence?

One therapy-tool that I use frequently is asking myself a simple question. “What is the evidence to support the thought?”
If I am dwelling on an imaged wrong it can be put to rest with a simple, “what is the evidence of that?”
In the past my abusers had a way of turning things around to make it appear that I was the one with the problem. Not anymore. I see right through the BS much quicker now.
#therapyworks #girlgetyousomehelp

The soul’s voice

I have not posted in a while. The process of self-publishing is long and tedious but so very enjoyable.  I am also planning for my trip to Newark in October to attend the annual Convocation of the Unity Fellowship Church.

I am also having Breast Reduction Surgery soon. I have a lot to share about my relationship to my breasts and how it relates to my childhood sexual trauma.

So much has happened since August of last year.  I will talk about what life is like after therapy and the changes I have experienced in myself now that healing has come.  Some changes are subtle and others are glaringly obvious.

Since this blog started with me trying to finish the book The Souls’ Poetry and I am now nearing the completion it is only fitting that I share the journey.  I will be posting any and every thing happening in my life as it relates to the continuing evolution of my soul and it’s expression.

The Souls’ Poetry is my soul’s voice.  This book is my soul’s gift to the world.

My life’s mission is to lead women to and through therapy.  I want to demystify therapy, help women to identify when and if they need to seek therapy.  My experience can help to show what to expect from therapy, how to choose a therapist and just to give a layman’s point of view about the entire therapy process from beginning to end.

So, let’s go.  Next year this time we will be celebrating.  The Souls’ Poetry will be on bookshelves.  I will have a clear plan for my soul’s spiritual growth. I will be at least 5 bra cup sizes smaller.

Love, Peace and “the souls’ poet” mozayik

Happiness “my #1wordpoem for me”

Happiness is now, not just a word

it is not a far away place

somewhere in no one’s land

happiness is now, a concept that makes perfect sense

it is attainable and it has always meant

to be the state we live in

from moment to moment

happiness resides now, in my soul

it lives in all the little nooks and crannies

left from all the broken pieces

that have now been glued back together

and the mosaic

is bright,

colorful

trimmed in gold

in the places where trauma left it’s hole

happiness lives and dances in all of my dreams

all of my expectations are of happy everything

I swear I never thought I could exist

in a state of happiness

from moment to moment

I am not going to lie

I have my moments when I remember and I get sad

but I now know

how to not let the moments last

I honor my soul’s brave journey

if tears are in order I respectfully cry

but even in the memories I will be alright

cause I know that I now live in the light

this light that I can intentionally share

I am not looking for anything out there

because healing has brought me

to knowing my own worth

I truly love me and am okay with self

it feels wonderful to just be

and breath in peace

knowing that happiness

is always available to me

and now I don’t have drudge through shit

to see that if I live moment to moment

happiness is free

my one word poem for myself mozayik “the souls’ poet”

I am a mother with mental illness.

I could have said I suffer from depression, or that I deal with PTSD on a daily, but those have become acceptable words instead of saying mental illness. Those two words still hold an enormous amount of stigma.

I am changed by my understanding of self.  Self acceptance is a hard-earned virtue when your life started as a land mine where little girls were not safe.

I always knew this blog was inspired by the universes’ agreement with me to heal and help others by telling my story.

My story begins really, with mental illness.  My own, my mothers’ and any woman who knows there really are not a lot of safe havens for her to get the support she needs from family or community.  Depression kills so many every day.  Too many women suffer from mental disorders without help.

My new vision for the rest of my life is to help erase the stigma of mental illness.  If you include motherhood along with the stigma of mental illness it is utterly amazing what some women have been able to accomplish. What about those that did not or could not overcome?  What about those that struggle because of the fear of being judged or called crazy.

I am so very sure now of what I am to do with my book “Life in Poetry” “true story told in poetry”.  I am on purpose. I am excited.

I am open to the universe to be used in any way God sees fit to help mothers with mental illness.   I  have a vision and a plan.  Be on the look out and watch it all unfold.

The reason we wake up on any given day is not for ourselves.  We wake up because God wants to use us in someone’s life.  Even if it is just to pass along a smile that can travel across the world and create a massive wave of positive energy.

I am ready, willing and open to offer this gift to the world.

Group Therapy

it is, has been and always will be the words that save us,

all of us,

any of us can be affected

by words we speak and the ones spoken to us

I love them so much

with out the words we would not be able to create new realities for ourselves

all of us are essentially the sum total of words we have thought, spoken, written or heard and seen

 

I heard some words on Sunday that changed my whole perspective

it had a ripple affect

I called my mother and our words helped us heal and reconnect,

but that phone call was the result of many words

along this journey to healing

words have taught me about myself and the world around me

words have shown me where the pathology is rooted

words have given me solutions and testimonies of others

words have inspired courage to continue working on healing

even when the words were to traumatizing to be spoken

except in the heart and mind

 

words have been gleaned from my sisters

the ones that have chosen to share this part of our journey together

we have spoken the words that have healed and supported

our words have been used to say “I feel you sister”

sometimes those words were spoken with a nod of the head

or a look in the eyes with tears as the only evidence of words

that say, I understand

 

I will miss my sisters, we have changed together right here in this room

thank you for using your words to help me grow, heal and know I am never alone

there are women who really understand my pain and that heals us all on a lot of levels

let us please continue to use our word to heal

I have been in group therapy since January for childhood sexual abuse.  We have only a couple of weeks left.  It has been nothing less than grueling WORK.  I am blessed to be a part of a group of women sincerely dedicated to healing and moving on to inspire others to heal.

I will miss us and the place we shared the deepest parts of ourselves that had been buried.  I am grateful for the safe place at the YWCA Women’s Resource Center.  I cant find the words to express my appreciation for the support and guidance received at the center not just from my individual therapist but also for my group therapy facilitator.  The biggest contribution to my personal healing though, are the women who were brave and courageous enough to share their words with me through telling their painful  stories and their deliberate commitment to healing.

It has been worth it, we are better.  We did it and it is one of the most loving things we have done for ourselves and those that are watching and cheering us on so they can believe in the trans-formative power of Understanding self.

It is healing time

I have taken the time to be still.  In the silence I commune with God.  My love for self-motivates me to take my healing to the next level.  I am not afraid.  I have lived all these years in a prison of fear and now that I have an opportunity to be free, I am going to choose Love.  I am reminded of the words from that old gospel song “I have come to far from where I started from.  Nobody told me that the road would be easy, but I don’t believe “She” brought me this far to leave me.”
I have worked hard and it really is showing.  I hear it from those that know and love me that they see a definite change for the better in how I show up in the world now.  I feel better.  My therapist has helped me navigate through things I thought I would never be able to do, but I did.  I will make it through to the other side.

“healing time”
my soul may be a little weary
my eyes are tired of crying
i still know i have what it takes to keep on fighting
when i look to the left
or even on my right
it appears it is just me
but i feel the presence of my ancestors
telling me
weep in the night
but don’t give up
trust
the law says
you will have a season of reaping
what has been sown
now it is the season for healing
be still
until
you have grown
“whatever it takes to make it, I am going all the way, I may be down sometimes, but I won’t be down always”  

mozayik “the souls’ poet”

We find each other, the ones that seek love. The price of love is truth.

There are days when you come face to face with self.  These are usually the hardest days of your life.  In one moment, you will decide what the rest of your life will look like.  There are only two choices.  Choose the path of fear that tells you this is all you will ever be or have, so you might as well get what you can.  You do not believe you deserve anything more and your life will stop.  You will be living a lie.  If your life is a lie then your life is a waste.

 

The great thing is the other choice is the path to self-love that leads to unconditional love for others because you have it for yourself.  Unconditional does not mean you expect less of yourself.  It really demands that you take responsibility for the choices you have made thus far.  This will empower you to make wiser choices.  The choices that serve your “Highest” good and   that are the absolute for your purpose.

 

This path to truth will try everything you say you are.  Only the path of love will help you evolve to another level of self.  A more authentic soul is all most of us desire.  When it is all said and done, we just want to serve and we accept that means some days we will be alone but the journey to love is not lonely.  Love does not hurt.

 

We find each other, the ones that seek love.  The price of love is truth.

~~~~~mozayik “the souls’ poet

 

A writers need for Solitude

I just need to clear my head

of the demons tormenting me

with sounds of past nightmares

and present day real or imagined harm

I am full ready to pop

don’t want to drop

all my cares at every stop

need to breathe, to see me

I am blinded

by everyone else s importunities

craving aloneness

the only way I know

to reach the part of me

that is free and filled

with possibility

I just want to be

unbound in my mind

the only sanctuary

to hide until I can cope

with difficulties outside of me

to have peace I have to touch

the part of GOD that resides inside me

can’t be found out there

I know it is hard to understand

the only way I know to get what I need

to deal with issues blinding me

from what it is I am

silence is golden

solitude is good for the soul

it is a spiritual thing

don’t take it personally

it is all about me needing

to let God lead me

by Mozayik “the souls’ poet”

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Standing up for Nesie

I am getting the lesson.  I am waking up to what the universe has been teaching me through the circumstances of my life.  It is okay to say, “You hurt me and it is not okay.”  In the past I was the one that forgave quickly and tried to empathize with the person being abusive to me in some way.
I made excuses for them but quietly resented that they did not automatically know how something said or done had affected me.  I did not hold them accountable by telling them how I felt.  I gave them free reign to disrespect and invalidate my feelings.

I have gone out of my way to advocate and defend the rights of others but when it came to standing up for myself I would give up and give in.  It was as if my feelings did not matter or I somehow deserved to be treated badly.
I am growing.  I am presented with the choice of staying stuck in the same old patterns of behavior or changing.  I am changing.  I am choosing to look at my own behaviors that no longer serve me.

I get it and now I am elated knowing it is imperative that I now stand up for myself.  That entails me knowing that “I am worth the fight.”  I am no longer going to allow people in my life that lack empathy or remain unapologetic about how their behavior has affected me.  If future relationships with friends and family are not mutually reciprocal I will have to remove that toxin from my life.

A friend told me today, “Hold your head high”  I will continue on this journey and accept my purpose as a Catalyst for Change.

In The Arms Of My Angel

I don’t care what anybody ever tells you.

it is the human touch that heals the soul

it is the yearning and craving of touch

that causes us to seek a crutch

I don’t know about you

but honestly

I have those days

when no matter the waves of sunshine

brought by compliments of others

it is still for me and always will be

the arms of someone who loves me

willing to hold

until my tears bring relief

as I struggle to be whole

I’m not there yet and I can’t afford

to give away my goodness before I know

if you are the one that will hold me

as I repair my soul

please my sweet angel

come hold me so my soul can fly higher

9.24.13 mozayik “the souls’ poet”

Healing is a process and I have stopped forcing the memories back into my subconscious.  I am optimistic about my healing, but the truth of it is.  I have to cry, I have to remember and that is not easy.  Doing it alone sometimes makes me sad because I endured it alone.  But, I am comforted by my Angels’ constant presence.  In those moments when I feel most alone.  I sense my Angel holding me and wiping my tears.  She tells me that this will pass and on the other side is relief.  She has not lied to me yet.  Tears release endorphin’s that make us feel better.  I am going to keep moving forward.  There is no stopping me now~