Category: Finding Peace

Holding on to happy Is easy to do after therapy. 

I am literally loving the skin I am in. I have self-worth. There was a time in my life when I did not know what self-love felt like. After therapy I understand how to keep loving myself no matter the circumstances.   There have been  times in my life recently when I’ve been challenged to be who I say I am.

Before therapy I thought I really  trusted God,  and I did, according to my life experiences at that point in life.  I had to learn how to rely on the God in me. Because I am made in the image of God. I  have the God-given attribute to speak things into existence. God gave that attribute to all of us. I have experienced creating my desires with the words I have spoken. Before therapy I didn’t have the ability to trust anyone not even myself. I took personal what happened to me as a child.

After therapy I realize that I am able to take care of me and to protect myself. What happened in the past had nothing to do with me. I just happened to be caught in someone else’s hell or those were the circumstances my soul chose for my purpose in this lifetime.

I have been in   codependent relationships that relied on me being disabled in sort of way,  be it physical or psychological. We were both needy and dependant. It was not healthy because it enabled dysfunction.

My faith in God is strengthened after therapy.  I know God will provide me with the power to change the parts of my personality that do not serve me well. I am a work in progress and every day I am provided with opportunities to be better than the day before.  I have self-worth. I know what I bring to the table of love. My spot in the Universe is important. I have confidence in my ABILITY to manifest the vision God has given me for my life. 

After therapy I still stumble and on occasion fall down but the difference is I don’t sit in it, or feel sorry for myself. I search for the Silver Lining my grandmother Mamie J Coopwood taught me could be found inside every cloud. The lesson gleaned provides the springboard to change. She also taught me that Practice makes perfect. So I believe without a doubt that the tools I practiced in  therapy will continue to provide support out in the REAL WORLD.   I am better today than yesterday but not as good as I will be tomorrow. I am grateful for God’s Grace and Mercy. Holding on to Happy is easy to do after therapy.

Core Beliefs “dichotomies”

Thank God I am not my feelings.

I realized in therapy that one of my core beliefs was “I am not safe”. I am grateful for awareness and the ability to change that belief to “I am always protected by God’s Love. Always.

Cognitively I know that I am safe but if triggered I feel as if my life is at stake.  Before therapy I would run.  After therapy I can use my tools, like grounding, walking, talking, dancing or asking for help when all else fails.  Praying and going to church are the most effective when strongholds are at play.

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“crazy” woman talking (a personal trigger)

Calling someone crazy is the lowest of the low digs that an emotional antagonist uses to dismiss and discount someone with mental illness.  We with mental illness struggle to not feel, think, or appear crazy. It hurts worse when it comes from someone that has first hand knowledge of your struggle to overcome the stigma of mental illness.

Calling someone crazy is like throwing a dagger that lands in the middle of our heart and it stays there for days while we struggle to tell ourselves that we arenot crazy.

We are what happened to us.  We did not give ourselves P,T.S.D. or depression.

I have worked hard in therapy to undo what has been done unto me and to call me crazy invalidates every thing I have sacrificed to be make myself whole.

Calling me crazy triggers me to a place that is hard to return.  The spirits of the past are all too willing to remind me of what happened to me.  I have to fight to keep from falling into the deep hole of depression.

In the past it took me weeks, even months to return to a place of peace where I control the thoughts and images that enter my mind.  I mean, really?, do people really think  I enjoy this shit?  I isolate because I am bruised and cant stand for anyone to look at me feeling defeated.   I want to disappear and not have to deal with the exhaustion of fighting an invisible enemy.

Depression

I feel it licking at my heels

it pulls and laughs at me

challenging me

I have to dig deep

pull out what God has given me for this storm

God can you hear me

as I scream from the depth of my soul

no sound

bound

it is grabbing my ankles

its slithers up my legs

when it reaches my heart

I am full

I burst when it reaches my mind

I sling slander in my path

so you wont hinder my form of descent

into the pits of hell

depression says

sunshine blue skies seem so far a way

But God, when I reach my lowest

the light is waiting

it holds me

it consoles me

I breath in the energy

I need to make this reappearance sweet

I retreat

the light of love

heals me with relief

I remember

whose I am

free

breath

peace

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

A letter to survivors

Mozayik "the souls' poet"'s avatarThe Souls' Poet

If you had told me that I would I be living this free two years ago, I would not have believed you. Two years ago, events happened that triggered my healing. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a result of surviving childhood sexual abuse, abandonment, neglect, and rape before the age of five. Five is the age of the first rape memory at the hands of my mothers’ boyfriend.

Writing saved my life. Words were my saviors. This is why I am compelled to tell my story. I do not tell it to gain pity or fame. I tell it because I was born to tell it. So I tell. Everywhere I go I tell.

I want to tell my story of PTSD because most of us do not know what that looks like on an African American girl or woman. The number is many but until…

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Mamie and Bertha in me

I honor the Mamie and Bertha in me

the image they continue to give me is one of possibility

these women stood tall, I never saw their backs break

a slight bend now and again

but never broken

I never saw them without what they needed

they showed me with hard work anything can be defeated

I am not afraid to break a sweat

so you have not even seen the best of me yet

I am like my Great Grandmother Bertha,

she walked through this world on her own terms

she paid the price to decide

when to prop up her feet and die to flesh

this is who I am

my grandmother Mamie  did the same thing

you would always her saying

I will  die before I lose my independence

and she left this world on her own terms

this is where I come from

backs do not break

we walk on through

our souls help us decide what to do

like their great, great, and great-granddaughter Melisa

even though they left her for dead

she has a mission

she will decide when it is time to go home

so I am going to be all right

this is where I come from

I have decided I have more work to do

more light to shine, more seeds to be sown before I go home

I am going to lay my burdens  down

at Mamie, Bertha, Cara, Annie,

Essie and Margie’s feet

they are already free

and they are waiting for me to finish up this work

and come home and be free

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”  3.11.13

 

Positive Funk

Positive Funk

is where you go to work on self
you can’t take anyone along
funky place in your spirit
filled with your own bittersweet song

you don’t mind staying funky for a while
cause you know there won’t be a crowd
they don’t understand you see
about this  funky place you be

but you very well comprehend
this positive funk you are in
this funk is a good funk
the kind that builds you up

you don’t smell this
you feel it
you welcome the enriching experience
don’t share  it
cause you couldn’t if you wanted to
it’s designed just for you

it’s too funky for your loved ones
so they just let you do what you gotta do
this funky place is fertile ground
where all the seeds of life are growing
you’ll find pride, greed and all the  negative emotions

but be patient cause positivity will soon be flowing
shortly you’ll see the love peace and contentment
that this place is grooming
when you come out you’ll be smelling like a rose

positive funk produces a unique kind of knowing
that after the thunder, lightning and stormy rains of life
things are clean and fresh smelling
after digging deep into the dirty issues of life
wallowing in the mud of pain and strife
looking at yourself and all your ugly ways

positive funk will produce
a brand new you on a whole new level
you’ll be aware of all the pitfalls
that took you to this stinking valley

this funk is positive because of the result
if you desire to be the best
you must look at your own funky shit
then I bet you’ll figure out what’s best for you

you’ll be renewed, refreshed
and have a new constitution
telling everybody it’s because of
positive funk your life had a revolution

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”