Author: Mozayik "the souls' poet"

The true story told in poetry. I am a Real and Raw Poet and Author of ”The Souls’ Poetry” my soul's true story of its’ journey to healing from the pain of childhood sexual trauma. I blog about my three-year commitment to therapy and what life is like before and after healing. Decreasing the stigma of mental illness, inspiring women to tell their stories, and leading women To and Through Therapy is my mission.

Love Chase

All of my life

I’ve been risking it all.

Fall after fall

I kept getting up,

running,

trying to catch the next heart.

Broken up with lies,

“we” never arriving to a destination

that had no beginning

or ending for its’ route.

 

Emotions roll,

we separate,

trying to be whole by

fixing the holes in our souls

and so it goes, “we”

wearing many faces

until we finally admit

that our addictions

are the vehicles

we use to chase love.

 

The tragedy of this reality is

we search all over,

only to find

we had it all along,

it is our home.

We travel far

looking for ourselves.

In our own hearts

are the answers,

that is where you find your love.

Once you find it,

the only way to keep it

is to give it away

by mozayik “the souls’ poet” 121712

 

Repeat

you see I am holding on the best I can

but I don’t see you there extending

the hand that rubbed my body

and released it from pain

the hand you held out to me

has now changed

where it was smooth and healing

it is rough and cutting and cold

tearing my secrets apart

I have to take care of me

I was wrong to offer myself incomplete

I will go to make myself whole

but I know I wont need your hand anymore

I want and deserve more

I will never change you into what I need

you will forever let me chase and bleed

I am strong enough now

so go ahead take your bow

out of this, is what I need

if I am ever going to get back to me

I was born with what I need to take care of me

my biggest red flag should have been

“Baby, I want to take care of your every need.”

silly ole me

tired of the trickery

no longer able to see the difference

between me and we

again

here I am

with me

and I’ve learned the hard way

this is the safest place to be

ill be glad when I stop trying

to recreate what she

did to me when I was three

so off I go to therapy

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

I am learning much about myself in therapy. I am looking at my patterns and why they are there. This therapy stuff is no joke if you really do the work.” I am doing my work” (in my Iyanla Vanzant voice). I go every Monday now since school started. I have not been able to really get into the Childhood Sexual Trauma therapy yet because I had to deal with my family crisis. My assignment this week is to take an event that was abusive and write about it. This is going to be hard because just talking about in therapy I started to hyperventilate, my heart started racing and I had pain in my chest. If this is what I need to do to stop repeating the same scenario in my life then I will do what needs to be done so I can have the healthiest relationships I can. Especially the one I have with self. I will keep y’all posted. I am finding my truth in therapy.

 

"SHE IS ALIVE" "It is just collateral damage" and I said "Not on my watch she’s not"

I have been reflecting all day on the goings on of the last year of my life and one thing stands out among all the amazing changes and challenges. On the day we moved my daughter to another hospital because as a nurse that pulled me aside and told me said, “they were killing my daughter” I overheard a comment a Doctor said about her situation.
This doctor refused to look me in the eye. I was stretching my head all kind of ways to force him to look eye to eye with me without success. Because he deliberately would not look at me, when he left the room I followed him down the hall.
I overheard him telling one of the residents he was walking with

“It is just collateral damage” and I said “Not on my watch she’s not”
This has been one of the most traumatizing experiences a family can go through. It is right up there with death and cancer, murder or some other debilitating condition that causes someone life to just come to a halt.
Only another mother can comprehend the agonizing helpless feeling you endure when your child is suffering.
It is still hard to see her in that condition, but, SHE IS ALIVE.
My girl is still here, so no matter what changes or challenges I’ve had they pale in comparison to SHE IS ALIVE. Nothing else matters.

Receive

Had to learn life’s not fair

play by unjust rules or lose

you’ll see they set you up

just to tear you down

remember to give

what you want to receive 

some things can’t be manipulated 

try as we may

there really is a thing called fate

destiny, if you believe

the universe is not under our control

take a minute to think about it 

the moon revolves around us

sun forever shines, birds always chirp

summer comes, winter goes

trees bud every spring

it rains when heaven declares it so

nothing we can do to stop it 

If we could just trust in the Universe’s laws

the world keeps turning but we don’t fall

plant a seed deep in the ground, nurture it

watch it grow into a mighty tree

if we would just believe

we were born with all we need 

it’s hard when we see injustice

every day trying our dignity

ultimately you are in control

of what you plant  in your soul

nurture goodness, peace, love

watch it grow inside your soul 

Tell haters go ahead hate me 

because I held onto what I believed

I didn’t let you plant negativity in me

I became responsible, made good choices

held on steadfastly to the belief

what I put out there is what I’ll receive

    copyright 1997

by mozayik a.k.a. “the soul’s poet”

Is Pain really Fear leaving your body?

 

  • fear

    you have no power over me.

    you’ve held me captive much too long

    you were my master and i your slave

    you even tried to take me to my grave

    the scales have fallen off my eyes

    perfect love found me

    now i know you are just a wanna be

    in the presence of love you flee

    i have power over you

    love has destroyed every yoke

    victory is mine i am free

    i have power over fear

     

  • My first reaction was to say there is no way I am that damn afraid. But when I think about all that I have accomplished since I decided to not let pain win I have to stop and see if there might be some truth in that.
    I realized I was going to hurt whether I lay in bed, cry and continue on with the vicious cycle of depression because I have pain 24/7 or I could get out of bed and keep moving.
    People around me try to get me to be still and say I am doing too much, but they don’t understand that when I be still I am focused on the pain but movement allows me to transcend the pain. It never goes away. I just have days that are better than others.

    There may be some truth to pain is fear leaving. All of 2012 I have been in therapy dealing with the fear of PAIN. I was living with the fear of psychological and physical pain. My quality of life was affected because I feared doing anything that would result in me being in unbearable pain.

    I was afraid to allow the memories and flashbacks to surface because I thought I could not endure the overwhelming feelings of shame and heartbreak. Along with the memories my body would hurt in direct proportion to area of my body that was being harmed in my memory. I actually felt a release of painful energy. I felt lighter more free, less afraid.

    I know beyond a shadow of doubt that one of the biggest reasons I have Fibromyalgia is because my flight or fight response is stuck to ON. That means I have been living in a state of tension/terror all my life and this has caused me to tense all my muscles and now I am telling my muscles to relax and that is not my natural state. I do not know how to relax. Therein lies my problem. Even my brain has been wired abnormally but that is being changed every time I get out of bed and “Keep it Moving”

Related articles

 

“Triggers” of PTSD

I must move forward.  Staying stuck in the past has not served me well.  It is a hard reality that all of your life you have been telling yourself lies about YOU.  I am doing CBT Cognitive Behavior Therapy and have learned that 90% of the negative shit I have been telling myself is absolutely not true.  My mind has been playing tricks on me but I have served it notice that we are doing some renovation.

It is grueling to monitor your thoughts after the fact.  Gleaning through every nook and cranny looking for a “trigger”.  It is like recreating an accident and walking through the steps to find out the point of impact.  The wreckage that has to be disposed of is my life and all the things I told myself I was not worthy enough to have.

I have choices.  I can continue as I always have and keep telling myself the same ole lies and getting the same result.  I can basically go insane, or I can love me enough to heal.  Even if healing means letting people go because allowing their presence in my life is actually self-abuse.  Even if it means I walk alone because others want to stay in darkness.  Sometimes in order to be whole we have to remove the diseased member.  I have realized that their presence in my life is why I have not healed.  I have been putting band-aids on an open wound.  And if the wound would heal in the least, I would reopen it with dysfunctional interactions with unhealthy people that have no intention of changing.

I know they will say I am being selfish and I am all about self-preservation only.  I let that guilt trip work for too many years.  If I do not preserve self, I will self-destruct.  I have no more energy for people that want to stay in denial.  I have no choice but to let them go.  I have to give up on the unrealistic dream of the big happy family.

I know what I need and it is time to stop pleading with those around me to understand or empathize.  Or even give me permission or support.  I know I am rambling.  This therapy stuff is rocking my world and shaking me to my core.  They say it will get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel so I hold on to that hope.

I want to say to people that have the audacity to say “just get over it” that if you only knew how badly I want to be over it you would weep for me.  PTSD is an insidious and horrific condition.  I am grateful for the knowledge and awareness I have about my condition, but I think about people (especially women) that are misdiagnosed or even unaware of why they act like they do.  I am starting to think that maybe part of my purpose in all of this is to be an advocate or educator.

To be honest with y’all I do not want to be the poster child for this or any of the other conditions I deal with on a daily, and sometimes moment-by-moment basis.  I just want PEACE in my MIND.  Ignorance is not bliss it is death.  TOO MANY PEOPLE DIE through either suicide or homicide.  Or, they die spiritually and just exist, going through the motions.  Others numb out with sex, drugs, food, or gambling.  It really does take courage to face your demons.

I would not be me if I did not think about others that suffer because our society does not understand all people really need is LOVE.  It is tragic that we have been conditioned to believe that serving others is a weakness.

Understanding of self leads to acceptance, which leads to compassion for others.  Thanks to whomever read my ramblings.  #iwasjustthinking

Hope……………………………………….

Related articles

Acceptance

I really am tired of crying about this shit.  I want to and I need to move forward.  I have said I will let it go but it will always be a part of me.  I cant let go, letting go implies it is no longer a part of my story.  This is my story and I will tell it as “my” truth.  

The journey of this book has been a whole lot more than a few poems on numbered pages.  This book is my life.  The tracks of tears are written on my heart and my blood beats every word as I plead for healing.  Each letter a desire to be free from the past.  I have stopped running, and hiding behind lovers.  No more denial cloaked with distractions.

I am more than a survivor and I am not my pain.  I am fortunate enough to tell a story of triumph.  I am here.  I am love.  I am me.

Mother’s

Barren Hearts, Fruitful Wombs

sing for the mothers
cry for the mothers
moan for the mothers
with barren hearts and fruitful wombs

spirits broken
leaky souls drained of love
wail their moans
weep for their wounds
who understands their woe
the liquor they swallow
is to dull the pain
their world is a dungeon
filled with heroin or crack cocaine
coursing through their veins

they use to silence terrorist demons
that torment their souls
who will really see
that the men creeping in and out
of their bedroom doors
are only a band-aid for heart aching sores
don’t call them whores or junkies
they’re only a product of this country

striped of ancestral wisdom
culture snatched
when our foremothers were brought
to these so called united shores
they united in striping us
of our dignity, language and families
it’s time to restore
it’s time to look these mothers in the eyes
look at the reality of why they cry

sing for the mothers
cry for the mothers
moan for the mothers
barren hearts fruitful womb

accept them as they are
show them you care
everyone has a reason
why they are what they are
some are only scarred
unable to cope so they take dope
they have no faith
in these so-called united states
they only do what they’ve seen
of course they lie
this country was founded on a lie
they spew out slander, trick and connive
it the only way they know to survive

her foremothers were slaves
and she still has a slave’s mentality
she sacrifices her children for a dollar
or any man giving her a holla
we were brought here
robbed of our heritage
they threw us their garbage
and some of us sucked it up
happily grateful for some sup
it’s time to throw that shit back
let us educate our own

sing for the mothers
cry for the mothers
moan for the mothers
barren hearts fruitful womb

yeah she’s a dirty disease infested
skinny drug addicted alcoholic
wearing a dress of death and gloom
she may have lied, cheated, deserted
and aborted the fruit of her womb
we can still take her in our arms
lovingly accept and educate her
show her she is a descendant of queens
mother to the pharaohs of Egypt

maybe then we’ll see mothers
with fruitful wombs and loving hearts
giving birth to a proud nation
that nurtures their sisters and brothers
maybe then there won’t be
any more killing of ourselves
or our babies dying in the streets
shot down by faces
that look like you and me
who is willing to go
into the spiritual birthing room and labor

sing a song for the mothers
cry for the mothers
moan for the mothers
who are not yet free
in these so-called united states

Surgery for the Psyche

Recovering or healing from trauma is like surgery for the mind. When you are diagnosed with a condition that requires surgery usually, there will be preliminary courses of treatment. Your doctor might suggest a medication and if that does not work the doctor may suggest a course in physical therapy and the last resort is surgery to either remove or repair what is causing the problem.

Even before the diagnosis, there will be a period where you have symptoms that make you take a visit to the doctor’s office. There will be a consultation, some tests are run, and you may even be referred to a specialist who will run even more tests or get a tertiary opinion.

When the surgery is performed, they do not just cut you open. There will be preparation stages up until the day of the surgery. Sometimes the surgery is exploratory or even an emergency but nonetheless it is a serious situation.

An entire team of people along with an entire hospital is supporting you with anything you need from start to finish you are cared for until discharge. You will need follow up care. Your family and friends will support you and assist you with your recovery. Your job may give you time off with pay. You recuperate and slowly get back into the swing of things. You will probably receive cards, flowers, and gifts also many get well wishes. You will have a scar and a memory of the pain but for the most part, you heal and go on with your life.

Now look at the same scenarios but insert your mind.

Happy Birthday Nesie

make a choice to believe in yourself

give in to the belief that you are unique

with talents and gifts all your own

no one can do it like you

no one but you can make your dream come true

whatever mistakes we make are only a tool

to purge and cut to help make us rule

better we learn from them and move on

don’t wallow in self-pity and doubt

use your errors as a spring board to break out

bounce back to the positive

give in to the belief that you are someone special

grab it, take hold of it and don’t let it go

speak it chant it pray it

say it until you’ve convinced your own soul

you are somebody for the world to behold