Next Level Healing (domestic violence)

I am in that sweet spot. I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to tell me the truth. The truth has set me free and I am so happy. I know how to be happy single that has never been my problem. I love myself and enjoy my own company.

I have peace of mind and I do not stress about what is going to happen from day to day because I have trusted God to bring me this far I can certainly trust God to go on alone. At this point in my life, I am not even interested in dating. I am so happy with just me and God. I just want to be free. Don’t want to walk on eggshells or consider anyone else’s anything. Life is not that hard.

I stayed in some situations in my life way past the expiration date. The red flags were thrown early and my Pollyanna ass just stepped over the flag and said, “Let me fix you. You have never been loved by me, my love will set you free.”

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I understand what they mean when they say “Hopeless romantic.”

I do realize that it goes much deeper than that. I have recently learned about my trauma brain and trauma bonding. This information has helped me to understand why I or anyone that has been traumatized continues to choose people who will continue to traumatize us. Knowledge is powerful in that if used it is transformative. So, I said all that to say, I am ready for the next level of healing. This time I will be dealing with the trauma of domestic violence. Last time I dealt with childhood sexual trauma and rape. Every relationship except one has been abusive in one way or another.

It angers me that I have to UNDO WHAT HAS BEEN DONE UNTO ME. But it must be done so that my traumatic DNA will not be passed on to future generations of my family. I get it now. I have made great sacrifices for my healing and my main motivation has been my family. I didn’t want my Grandchildren’s legacy to be one of trauma. I had to protect them only way I knew how. That was for me to be the example.

I had to destroy the curse of pathology and dysfunction. I had to speak up and it cost me a lot. But I would do it again. God called me to bring awareness to the devastating affects of domestic violence and mental illness. Some have said, how can you be an advocate and educator when you were in a dv relationship? I believe that my experience is what gives me the passion to help others. When we know better we do better.

I just want us to support each other in our healing. In my experience people do not know how to help a victim of Domestic violence. Some say mind your business or they keep going back they must like it.

Nothing is further from the truth. She wants to be free. She just doesn’t know how to be free. We need to help her be free.

Emotional Boundaries? Girl,I am doing my work!

It has been a while since my last post. I have been putting my mental and physical health first. I seek to be whole. I am ready for truth. I await my teachers. Bring me my answers, show me how to go in and bring out the gift. This is my prayer.

I have been reflecting because my homework from my therapist is for me to look at my emotional and physical boundaries. All of my relationships with men and women have been abusive in some way, except for maybe two, and those two people are still a part of my life.

I am asking myself some hard questions lately. Why do I partner with abusive people? Why do I partner with people who need me to take care of them? I am seeing the patterns. I am committed to taking the time and energy to do what is necessary to change my thinking so I make better choices. My relationships have not been healthy but that does not mean future relationships are doomed to be a repeat of the past, especially if I do the work.

So much has happened since my last blog post. This journey is mine uniquely. Others may have been able to endure what I have and not be as affected. Others still, did not survive and have severe mental illness, addictions or have committed suicide. We do not know why some are affected more or less than others.

I have given up feeling guilty because it appears to have been harder for me than someone else “getting over it”. We all have own limits. PTSD is Post/After Trauma Stress Disorder the very name describes a disorder in the way a person handles stress physiologically, psychologically and certainly emotionally get so tired of people saying, “Let it go, it happened so long ago, get over it, and move on”

I am now finally learning how to move on. I started taking care of people at the age of eleven. I married at 17, again at 25 and again at 38 along the way having twins and triplets. This is the first time in my life the only person I have to take care of is myself. Now is the perfect time to devote to “getting over” this. I am creating my best life. My likelihood of having a healthy, loving, and honest relationship increases every time I go to therapy even when my body is taunting me with pain.

Any way I may have digressed, I think one main reason that my partners turned out to be abusive, (they did not seem abusive in the beginning), is I do not have well established emotional boundaries. I never even considered this concept until my therapist brought it up.I am an open book and I was proud of it until now. Being too emotionally open has allowed people into parts of me they did not deserve access to. I gave them a map to my buttons by telling all of my darkest secrets and fears. All the things I felt guilty about or felt ashamed of were deliberately used to their advantage. Well, not anymore. I am a survivor. I always figure out the way through difficult situations.I am strong enough to write about the past and still live in the now.

I still have some work to do, but the hardest part is over. Now I can work on the side effects. The images, memories, and the feelings that accompanied them don’t take me hostage while robbing me of my breath.

I will definitely tell y’all about it when the time is right. But, it will be soon. I am now working on the final touches for the book. I have a feeling that now is the time to give my gift away to the world.

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”