Category: learning to love self

Repeat

you see I am holding on the best I can

but I don’t see you there extending

the hand that rubbed my body

and released it from pain

the hand you held out to me

has now changed

where it was smooth and healing

it is rough and cutting and cold

tearing my secrets apart

I have to take care of me

I was wrong to offer myself incomplete

I will go to make myself whole

but I know I wont need your hand anymore

I want and deserve more

I will never change you into what I need

you will forever let me chase and bleed

I am strong enough now

so go ahead take your bow

out of this, is what I need

if I am ever going to get back to me

I was born with what I need to take care of me

my biggest red flag should have been

“Baby, I want to take care of your every need.”

silly ole me

tired of the trickery

no longer able to see the difference

between me and we

again

here I am

with me

and I’ve learned the hard way

this is the safest place to be

ill be glad when I stop trying

to recreate what she

did to me when I was three

so off I go to therapy

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

I am learning much about myself in therapy. I am looking at my patterns and why they are there. This therapy stuff is no joke if you really do the work.” I am doing my work” (in my Iyanla Vanzant voice). I go every Monday now since school started. I have not been able to really get into the Childhood Sexual Trauma therapy yet because I had to deal with my family crisis. My assignment this week is to take an event that was abusive and write about it. This is going to be hard because just talking about in therapy I started to hyperventilate, my heart started racing and I had pain in my chest. If this is what I need to do to stop repeating the same scenario in my life then I will do what needs to be done so I can have the healthiest relationships I can. Especially the one I have with self. I will keep y’all posted. I am finding my truth in therapy.

 

I wont abandon me. (ptsd)

If y’all remember, I had to stop editing my book because of the memories and flash backs I encountered.  It was very puzzling to me that this was happening to me now.  I have worked on this book in some form for the last 12 years. So I wondered, why now?

I immediately found a therapist to help me cope and process the feelings that seemed so over whelming.

Along with the flashbacks and memories came intense emotions.  I would resist the feelings.  I would find distractions so I did not have to experience this stuff.  I had some events happen in my life that triggered my mind and body to relive one of the most traumatic experiences that happened when I was five.  I had not dealt with this in therapy because I had forgiven the people involved.

I learned I still have to process the emotions that are buried in my psyche.  Now is the time my body and mind have chosen to deal with this at this time in my life the only thing I have focus on is myself.  No more hiding behind children and spouses I am ready to create and reveal the life I deserve.

I am at a place where I can move forward to complete this book.  I am still in therapy dealing with my abandonment issues and working diligently to find  peace with the memories.  I am going to start a new page as I go through the process of dealing with these issues and how they have showed up in my behavior and my relationships.

I am striving towards healing to allow me to have more healthy relationships.  It is not something that can be dealt with quickly because i have learned that the mind will bring these memories and flashbacks to surface when i am ready to deal with them.  As i have learned the hard way, if i don’t deal with the feelings they will deal with me.

As i continue on my journey to healing and mental health and stability hopefully someone will be encouraged to start their own healing.

I promise the little girl in my that I will not abandon her and will stay with her for as long as it takes to learn how to live with PTSD.

Thank you for going on this journey of my soul with me.

 

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We know

there is a fire you left raging

you knew

only you could put it out

i knew

the day i lay eyes on you

i knew

i would never let you go

it seems as though we have come to a fork

and i did not even get to drink from the bitter cup

 

passionate fire burning out of control

still

we have this connection with our souls

i know

you are feeling me right now

as i write this

asking the words

to tell me how to leave

the thought of you

in my dreams

where you come to me

loving all of me

giving me

you

dreaming of staying

together

and that is where it stays

 

we know

it is not our time

we are not ready to weather

whether

we like it or not

our time is not

we know

that is why i did us a favor

the madness had to stop

we were both becoming

what we are not

 

looking in the mirror

you showed, me

what i see

is not what i want

to be

i gift myself relief

from the agony

of the fear of being alone

 

i regret nothing and am grateful for all

memories now stored in

the poems that tell the story

how we had a once in lifetime

when our souls were flying

so i wont be crying

when thinking of you

i will smile

cause you will always be my prince

my lover

my boo 😉

the only one i surrendered to

 

completely, free

peace

is what you gave me

so while sweetness is still the taste

when i think of you

while strawberries now have more charm

i can still close my eyes and imagine

me lying in your arms

 

i wish you beauty, babee

i will love you till my soul goes home

but i am sure i will feel you again

we have always

we will always

find our way back to each other

you will always be “my” lover

the only one i surrender to under the covers

 

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

On Purpose

I am doing the last editing of my book and the feelings that are coming up this time are intense.  I want to feel so I can grow but the overwhelming sense of abandonment is making me want to not feel anything.  This is why it has taken so long to finish.

Reliving the events that have been the inspiration for this book is excruciatingly painful.  I have made an appointment to see a therapist because I am going to need some help with this part.  At least I know there is resolution if I move through these feelings I will have gained better insight into why I keep repeating the same patterns.

Applied knowledge is power.  They say awareness is half the battle.  I am determined to stay on purpose.  Hopefully I can finish this time and move on to more pleasing endeavors.

So, I will leave you with an excerpt from the book that will explain some of the emotions I am dealing with.

excerpt from “Life in Poetry”

looking and searching for something

that was supposed to be my birthright

why am I called out to endure such a trial

how is it that people overlooked the fact

that I was a child

now as an adult

what can I do to undo what has been done to me

by mozayik “the souls’ poet”

.

Love letter to myself

i am loving you so much lately

you have overcome so many obstacles

you have had to make some hard choices

you have grieved what was

you are moving forward with new goals

you did not give up i am proud of you

for your tenacity

you are a strong warrior

you know sometimes the soldier needs help

just because you took another route does not make you a failure

it says you are courageous

enough to move toward the unknown

you had enough faith in god

and belief that your efforts would be rewarded

you are amazing

when i think of how you have overcame

still to love as you do ………………………..

you are beautiful

Love in the Secret Place

love dwells in the secret place

resting my tired soul

yielding my mind

to your control

unspeakable joy is complete

I’m made whole

safety is the fortress

that lets me shed my tears

peace is the refuge

to help me face my fears

comfort dwells

in the secret place

while the world swells

with darkness

It is here I find light

strength dwells

in the secret place

all wounds are mended

with the power to endure

as I bear my soul

no thing can touch me

I dwell in the secret place

with you

 

“Not Guilty”

The guilty seek punishment.  I have chosen to stop beating up on myself and declare myself not guilty.  Being guilty suggests that I have done something wrong.  I realize that I have done nothing wrong.  My intentions when making the decisions that haunt me were pure.

I would be guilty if I’d made deliberate decisions with malice or ill will.  Guilt says that I intentionally did harm and expected a bad result.  Innocence suggests that the decision was made expecting a good outcome.

At the time that is what was best.  Of course after years of experience I now have a 20/20 hindsight view.  I dealt with life based on the knowledge and experience I had up till that moment.

So it is okay to let myself off the hook.  I can forgive myself.

I can accept that I deserve love.

I am worthy of all things good.

I am much more than the sum of my choices.

When we know better we do better.

Forgiving myself opens the door to my ability to forgive others.  It has been said

“In all your getting, get understanding”. Even when I don’t understand I trust the process.  Love covers a multitude of sins.

I forgive me

Love is an inexhaustible stream

given at birth for me to give away

the only power I have

the only thing I could ever control

is my choice to love

I don’t have to chase it

or look for it I am it

so I decide to love

right now this second

giving you my love

makes my love overflow

the only reason to be alive is to love

any other reason and you are just biding time

I was thinking about what motivated me to quit smoking.  I was not walking my talk.  Now that I know what self-love really looks like I am finding it easy to make changes in my life that prove how much i love myself.

Since my earlier post where I talked about not yet having forgiven the man who raped me at five,  I have done a lot of thinking about forgiveness.

I forgave the little girl in me for being vulnerable.  I forgave her all the things she thought she had done wrong because she really had done nothing wrong.  It was not her fault and it had nothing to do with her personally.  I forgave her for crying and for loving the wrong people because she did not know how to protect herself.  I told her how strong she is and how brave she has been.  I told her how proud i am of her for all of her accomplishments  because she had a lot to overcome.

I forgave her and told her that I loved her and would always be here to protect her.

After that forgiving my perpetrator was easy.  That is the gift of self-love I give to myself.

Going to hell changed my life (dedicated to Alfreda Lanoix)

Below is a journal entry of mine from August 2010.  I thought my life was over and I felt good for nothing.  I have Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I was grieving the loss of my former active self.

In March of this year I purchased a book titled “Go to Hell“  by Alfreda Lanoix.  This book changed my life.  I know people throw those words around a lot but this is my truth.  Reading her book gave me courage to stand up and try again.  I can not really explain it except to say I was a ready student and the teacher showed up.

I found beauty in me.  I saw God in me.  I knew love in me.

I felt if she could start over so could I.

I said to myself “if her story can help me, then my story can help some body”  The rest is mystory.  I found my voice and have not shut up since.  I love you Alfreda.

I dedicate the rest of my life to telling my stories in hope that a life will be transformed.

written in August 2010

Suffering in silence. not seen nor heard

I’ve become cynical and jaded about the medical community. I am tired of being treated like I am crazy or a drug addict seeking drugs. My pain is real, damn it. If I am depressed it is because I am tired of hoping every day that this day will be better than yesterday, it is getting hard to hold on to hope.

Some might say it could be worse. Well my answer to that is the only thing worse would be death. I am tired of hurting but more than that I am tired of not being heard. I am Tired of not being seen. I really do not know how much more of this I can take. I am not lazy. I am not faking. Who would choose this?

I am a mother of twins and triplets. I’ve worked two jobs many times in my life. I was always on the go. While my children were little I went to college full-time and maintained a 3.5 GPA. All while teaching Sunday school, singing in the Choir, serving on the Usher board and the Nurse’s board at church. I was also taking care of my ailing grandmother. I was a wife, mother, student and servant in my community as well as at church. I went out of my way to help those more disadvantaged than myself.

I was active at my children’s school serving as P.T.A. President and was Coordinator and Liaison for Practical Parenting Partnership. I was responsible for establishing the Free Breakfast program in our school district and getting Drug Free School Zone signs installed in our neighborhoods.

Now I feel like a lazy bum although, that is not true of me. That is how I feel when I spend my days in bed crying in pain.

I am able to do less and less. I spend more time in bed than I do out and it is starting to drive me crazy. If I try to push myself to do more it only causes more pain. I live in fear of pain. I am always anxious about what I have done or might do to cause more pain.
It is so bad that I do not take my pain seriously. If I am hurting anywhere on my body, I just chalk it up to that is just the way it is. That has cost me dearly. I almost died because I did not listen to the pain. And the medical community is horrible. I have to change my doctor of twelve years because I to wait up to three months to see her or see the nurse practitioner. I don’t want to see the nurse practitioner.  She is not a doctor nor is she my doctor.

While waiting to see my doctor about the pain in my side my appendix almost burst. At the hospital they treated me like a crazy, drug seeking addict and sent me home without relieving my pain saying I was constipated although I was vomiting violently, so much that bile was coming up from my liver. They made me feel like being constipated was my fault when (that is a symptom of appendicitis).

I have so many medical conditions to manage that I have become overwhelmed. I am really at the point of giving up. With no one to talk to about this, because everyone is tired of hearing it, I have no outlet. Truth be told, I am tired of hearing it too.

I feel old, boring and a bother. Maybe it is my fault. I try not to whine. I try to act like everything is okay but I am not okay. I am suffering, alone in silence.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES

I feel younger, more interesting and well worth your time.

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This Sh** Aint Easy

Reality is kicking my a**.  I just realized there are a few people I have not consciously forgiven.  This journey to self-love has proven much more laborious than I thought.  I was watching “Behind the Music” – Mary J Blige,  and she said something so profound.

I LOVE Mary, watching her growth has been inspirational.  I have always felt a deep connection to her as a person and her music has been balm for my healing. Until this week I was not aware of her abuse at five, but now I understand my ability to relate to whatever she expressed.

She said “I am living proof that you can come from anywhere and have gone through anything and still make it.”  She talked about the man who raped her when she was five years old and how she had forgiven him.

All of a sudden a light bulb came on in my mind.  I have not consciously forgiven the man who raped me when I was five years old.

In my heart and mind I tried but I could not do it.  I want to so badly, but I am stuck.  So, I sit here asking myself,   “Is my ability to forgive in direct proportion to my self worth?”  Dam this sh** is getting hard.

I find it impossible to speak the words and thinking them is just not going to happen now.  I have spent a lot of time in and out of therapy thinking and talking about the effects of my abuse.  Looking at how that crap manifested in my behavior and thinking has been challenging.  Changing my thoughts and behavior has been grueling and I still have a long way to go.

Once I got past all the anger I could forgive my mother and grandmother and anyone else I felt had victimized me because what happened made sense.  I could relate to their behaviors and I understood therefore, it was easy to have compassion.

I have been trying so hard to finish my book.  It seems the more I want it completed the more resistance I get from the universe.  I am working to be in a space of non-resistance.  The reality is I will not get there without this most important piece of the puzzle.  Forgiveness, I am working on it y’all and I will keep you posted.

Again Mary J. Blige is my inspiration.  I love you Mary.

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