Below is a journal entry of mine from August 2010. I thought my life was over and I felt good for nothing. I have Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was grieving the loss of my former active self.
In March of this year I purchased a book titled “Go to Hell“ by Alfreda Lanoix. This book changed my life. I know people throw those words around a lot but this is my truth. Reading her book gave me courage to stand up and try again. I can not really explain it except to say I was a ready student and the teacher showed up.
I found beauty in me. I saw God in me. I knew love in me.
I felt if she could start over so could I.
I said to myself “if her story can help me, then my story can help some body” The rest is mystory. I found my voice and have not shut up since. I love you Alfreda.
I dedicate the rest of my life to telling my stories in hope that a life will be transformed.
written in August 2010
Suffering in silence. not seen nor heard
I’ve become cynical and jaded about the medical community. I am tired of being treated like I am crazy or a drug addict seeking drugs. My pain is real, damn it. If I am depressed it is because I am tired of hoping every day that this day will be better than yesterday, it is getting hard to hold on to hope.
Some might say it could be worse. Well my answer to that is the only thing worse would be death. I am tired of hurting but more than that I am tired of not being heard. I am Tired of not being seen. I really do not know how much more of this I can take. I am not lazy. I am not faking. Who would choose this?
I am a mother of twins and triplets. I’ve worked two jobs many times in my life. I was always on the go. While my children were little I went to college full-time and maintained a 3.5 GPA. All while teaching Sunday school, singing in the Choir, serving on the Usher board and the Nurse’s board at church. I was also taking care of my ailing grandmother. I was a wife, mother, student and servant in my community as well as at church. I went out of my way to help those more disadvantaged than myself.
I was active at my children’s school serving as P.T.A. President and was Coordinator and Liaison for Practical Parenting Partnership. I was responsible for establishing the Free Breakfast program in our school district and getting Drug Free School Zone signs installed in our neighborhoods.
Now I feel like a lazy bum although, that is not true of me. That is how I feel when I spend my days in bed crying in pain.
I am able to do less and less. I spend more time in bed than I do out and it is starting to drive me crazy. If I try to push myself to do more it only causes more pain. I live in fear of pain. I am always anxious about what I have done or might do to cause more pain.
It is so bad that I do not take my pain seriously. If I am hurting anywhere on my body, I just chalk it up to that is just the way it is. That has cost me dearly. I almost died because I did not listen to the pain. And the medical community is horrible. I have to change my doctor of twelve years because I to wait up to three months to see her or see the nurse practitioner. I don’t want to see the nurse practitioner. She is not a doctor nor is she my doctor.
While waiting to see my doctor about the pain in my side my appendix almost burst. At the hospital they treated me like a crazy, drug seeking addict and sent me home without relieving my pain saying I was constipated although I was vomiting violently, so much that bile was coming up from my liver. They made me feel like being constipated was my fault when (that is a symptom of appendicitis).
I have so many medical conditions to manage that I have become overwhelmed. I am really at the point of giving up. With no one to talk to about this, because everyone is tired of hearing it, I have no outlet. Truth be told, I am tired of hearing it too.
I feel old, boring and a bother. Maybe it is my fault. I try not to whine. I try to act like everything is okay but I am not okay. I am suffering, alone in silence.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES
I feel younger, more interesting and well worth your time.
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